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When will you share the news? - Page 2

post #21 of 80

Yes, the more I step back from the situation, the more I see that my DH knows his sister well, and we just need to celebrate.  I'll make sure our good news doesn't monopolize our entire Christmas celebration, but I will be happy and excited about, and I know the rest of DH's family will be too! 

Thank you for all the support! :)
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie View Post


That's tough and tbh, a bit selfish of your sil and mil. It doesn't sound like any way you spin it, it will come off positive. I sort of agree with your hubby. I absolutely feel empathy for your sil, but it doesn't sound like she can also think outside of herself a bit also. Sorry it may be a downer, but you and hubby do what you need to do to share your news in a positive, fun way. We support you here!

I'm glad that you will be able to have the ability to have a heart to heart with your good friend. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you are being so kind in your approach with everyone. That's very admirable.

 

 

 



 

post #22 of 80


Yes, you're so right!  She's generally unhappy because of her situation (and I do feel for her, it must be horrible to have a husband that decides he doesn't want kids AFTER you get married), but yes, we're going to go ahead and share our news.  If it works to drop a hint like "we're ready for a baby anytime" before, then good.  If not, then I'll take that as a sign as well.  Thank you for your advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninetales View Post

Yeah, there's a difference between being sensitive and walking on eggshells. She's going to be upset no matter what and it's not right to make you feel bad because of your happy news. Sad as it is, the world doesn't stop because she is having trouble getting pregnant. Other people can't be expected to stop living their lives until she succeeds. I say tell, be happy, and let the chips fall where they may.


 

post #23 of 80

I just spilled the beans on FB. Pretty much everyone knows now, as I was REALLY getting sick of being asked "have you gained weight? or or ARE YOU?!?!?!"

 

I'm only 5 weeks along and i'm either showing or like, bloated or SOMETHING but I'm 10lbs less than I was with baby #1, and I already look like I did at like 8-10 weeks along.

post #24 of 80

Since I've been dealing with infertility due to PCOS for a year (5 months of that we were actively trying), I guess I am extra sensitive to how the people in my family who are trying to conceive might feel if I announced during the holidays, so I am going to wait. I haven't spoken with either of them directly, but have heard from another family member that my sister has been trying for over a year (she has thyroid issues) and when I was home on vacation I saw my brother's wife looking at her fertility chart on her laptop & I know they want a baby but he is out on a ship for weeks at a time which I'm sure makes things difficult. I just wouldn't want to risk forcing either of them to react to my news when surrounded by the entire family (I won't be going home for the holidays but we do video chat). Plus, I won't be very far along then, and I wouldn't want to tell them at all if the pregnancy doesn't continue (I fear it would trigger my mom's grief over her own miscarriages, which would make it difficult for her to support me & likely put me into a position of supporting her). 

 

My birthday is a couple weeks after Christmas, and I'll be ~10 weeks then, so I think I'll tell my parents when they call to wish me happy birthday - seems like a fitting time to announce it! I may hold off on telling my sibs til I'm out of the first trimester (I'll probably just send a Facebook message, since that's how we all keep in touch). After that, I won't consider it private info anymore. 

 

I've already told my close/private/ladies-only internet community (which includes many women I know outside the internet), since they have supported me through my fertility struggles and they're who I'd lean on if anything went wrong. I'm really glad I could tell them or else I bet I'd be announcing to grocery store cashiers and bus drivers lol.gif

post #25 of 80
Thread Starter 

I'm really grateful for this conversation b/c I've actually realized just how sensitive this *may be for dh's family. It's not actually our new sil we are concerned about. We realized this may trigger bil hugely with everything he went through with his ex wife a few years ago. It was a a tough tough time, and it did in fact end their marriage. And now,  being newly married and considering trying to conceive;  well if we bust in on Xmas with some big ol announcement, my dh is worried it will send his bro. over the edge. Although I don't think bil will outwardly react. That's not like him. But my dh has requested that maybe I have a private convo with sil (we are becoming close) and let her tell him.  On top of that, we just lost my fil 2.5 months ago. While initially I thought this would be a bright spot for mil, I'm realizing this might actually trigger for her that there is another grandbaby fil won't get to know and vice versa.  So I'm bummed to not be able to share in the cute way I thought to. It's not totally my choice, b/c of course I feel it is joyous news that should be celebrated but I do respect my dh's wishes, and I do understand human emotion and people's personal filters very well. I know people often have a difficult time moving outside of themselves and not taking things personally. Plus, I really love dh's family and I certainly don't want anyone feeling bad on Xmas.

So it looks like we'll just be a bit more private in telling each person. I'm still going to be happy about it though and say what I need to say joyously and of course kindly.

 

This is such a strange place to be in. Vastly different from telling with my first. With my 2nd we didn't make too much of a big deal but for various reasons. I'm just so excited to be pregnant again (I really wanted this!) that I want to enjoy the whole process.  Fortunately there are a lot of people I do get to tell that are going to be, and have been, beyond excited.  I'll focus on those people.

 

LW- I still feel that your situation is a bit diff. b/c it sounds like your sil  is negative no matter what. And it sounds like her and your mil take it as something you are doing against them, which of course is not the case. Plus, your dh wants to tell and it's his family, so seems like he knows best if it's a good idea or not. I would just recommend that you don't have any hopes for a specific reaction and stay happy and positive no matter what anyone else says in that moment. Don't let them take the joy away from you.

post #26 of 80

Reading this thread has helped me come to a decision.

 

If you read my intro I already explained the issues with my sharing with my friends and sister struggling with infertility and losses. However, one of these friends, the one who just lost a baby in June, is my very best friend and has always, since baby number 2, been the first person I told after my husband. She will be sad and confused and hurt and I know that, but she also loves me very much and she is one of the most mature and strong women I have ever known. As such I will respect her and our friendship by calling her today and letting her know gently. I went to her baby's funeral. I still tear up thinking about it; so this is going to be so hard for me and I can't imagine how hard for her, but I think it is the right decision.

 

Other friends and family will probably find out on New Years Eve. Announcing #8 will get mixed reactions no matter what, with so many people thinking we are crazy/irresponsible/just-plain-stupid, but oh well. My kids will be thrilled, and that is always fun. My youngest is in for a shock, spoilt stinker that he is. eyesroll.gif

 

Stormimay

post #27 of 80

I think it is good to tell your friends/family members who are struggling with infertility/loss about your pregnancy - it would really hurt to be left out completely! And especially if it's someone very close, I think it's important to tell them personally rather than letting someone else share it as gossip. I think it's best if it's done privately, and maybe not even face-to-face, so they don't have to manage their reaction in front of you. BUT that is just my opinion based on my experiences (& those shared with me by other friends experiencing infertility), and you & your partners know your situations & family dynamics best! 

 

post #28 of 80

It's very kind to be sensitive to people who are struggling.  I remember what it felt like not getting that positive month after month while other people were managing it.  It hurts.  I also recognize how lucky I am to be in the position I am now, where no one in our families are in that situation.  Everyone is already pregnant or not wanting to be pregnant.  ;)  So I get to make it a big thing.

 

We bought Elsa a Big Sister shirt.  We're thinking about taking my in-laws out to dinner and having her wear it and see how long it takes them to notice.  I can't decide whether to wait until Christmas Day and tell my family all at once or do it sooner.

post #29 of 80

It seems like several of us are walking the fine line of celebrating appropriately and in the right context.  My dear friend, who struggled with IF for many years and how now quit all treatments always just begged to all of her friends that if any of them ever got pregnancy news, PLEASE, PLEASE tell her privately and not in a group.  I respect that totally.  She is a gracious, trustworthy friend who kindly makes every friend a quilt for each baby they have.  I can't imagine her pain and I hope and pray so often that she will know the joy of being a mother; something she so longs for.  While I absolutely dread telling her that I'm pregnant again, I know she will still stand by me and celebrate....it just may take her a couple of weeks. 

I really appreciate this conversation.  It's really helped me process.  While the majority of our large family will be thrilled and have no fertility issues, I want to be sensitive to SIL whose husband may never agree to children.  I'm just having faith that I'll be led the right direction as to how to approach it with her when the time comes.

post #30 of 80


How did it go today?  I think you made the right decision as well; she is your best friend, you are being extremely considerate and I'm sure she is grateful!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormimay View Post

Reading this thread has helped me come to a decision.

 

If you read my intro I already explained the issues with my sharing with my friends and sister struggling with infertility and losses. However, one of these friends, the one who just lost a baby in June, is my very best friend and has always, since baby number 2, been the first person I told after my husband. She will be sad and confused and hurt and I know that, but she also loves me very much and she is one of the most mature and strong women I have ever known. As such I will respect her and our friendship by calling her today and letting her know gently. I went to her baby's funeral. I still tear up thinking about it; so this is going to be so hard for me and I can't imagine how hard for her, but I think it is the right decision.

 

Other friends and family will probably find out on New Years Eve. Announcing #8 will get mixed reactions no matter what, with so many people thinking we are crazy/irresponsible/just-plain-stupid, but oh well. My kids will be thrilled, and that is always fun. My youngest is in for a shock, spoilt stinker that he is. eyesroll.gif

 

Stormimay



 

post #31 of 80

So far, I have only told my husband and my sister. My only real grandparent died this past year, and the journals and letters she left behind were so meaningful.  I've decided to get Grandparents Journals for my dad/stepmom, mom/stepdad, and the in-laws. We're going to wrap them for xmas and give them as their gift...and ask that they fill them out over the next year. My family is kind of spread out location-wise, so this is the best way to tell everyone all at once, so no one feels like they were left out.

 

I already messed up the telling-your-husband part. I read in the Dr. Sears Pregnancy book last night that you should "avoid telling your partner via a phone call. You want to see his reaction face-to-face. Maybe have a special candlelit dinner together." Yeah, didn't happen. I called him up just as he got to work and said, "HUNNY, I think we got TWO lines!" He was so confused. "Really, ok. Um. I gotta get back to work." duh.gif Oh well.

post #32 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Willovia View Post

So far, I have only told my husband and my sister. My only real grandparent died this past year, and the journals and letters she left behind were so meaningful.  I've decided to get Grandparents Journals for my dad/stepmom, mom/stepdad, and the in-laws. We're going to wrap them for xmas and give them as their gift...and ask that they fill them out over the next year. My family is kind of spread out location-wise, so this is the best way to tell everyone all at once, so no one feels like they were left out.

 

I already messed up the telling-your-husband part. I read in the Dr. Sears Pregnancy book last night that you should "avoid telling your partner via a phone call. You want to see his reaction face-to-face. Maybe have a special candlelit dinner together." Yeah, didn't happen. I called him up just as he got to work and said, "HUNNY, I think we got TWO lines!" He was so confused. "Really, ok. Um. I gotta get back to work." duh.gif Oh well.


Ha ha, don't worry.  I told DH about #1 by handing him the positive pregnancy test while he was peeling potatoes.  With #2 I was in a state of shock so I just said, "Go look in the bathroom" and he saw the test on the counter. 

 

post #33 of 80

My husband was on the phone with his mom when I came into the room waving the positive test in front of his face with #1. He was like, "I, uh....I'll call you back..."

post #34 of 80

My partner was fast asleep (he went to bed at 3, it was 6:30) when I came in and turned on the light and handed him the digital test. He said "What??... Oh, that's great! Can I go back to sleep now?" Hahaha! I did get a sleepy hug but it wasn't the jumping up & down celebration I'd envisioned! 

post #35 of 80
Thread Starter 

This year I told my husband by posting a sign on the oven that said "we have a bun in the oven, OPEN"  then inside was a note that said: "Congrats you've knocked me up again! Smile!" and it had the pregnancy test on it.  I thought it was pretty cute.  I was in the living room when he found it. He took a couple of minutes to digest it and come into the living room to kiss me. It was cute. I know he was taken a back. He didn't really think it would happen, I don't think. He's always been unsure of a third, but decided to take a chance. I guess he's a straight shooter. ;)

 

 

Two big ones for telling; My boys. My 6 and 4 year old were both like 'huh?' Actually my 6 year old seemed intrigued. I kept saying I hope it's a sister for you, and he kept saying he hopes it's a brother. My youngest actually got a pretty sour look on his face. He's very attached to me and in love with me, so I expect that this will be particularly challenging for him. They wanted to talk about names and we even already talked a little bit about the birth and how they will be there.  Then the next day I sat them down with a book that shows the development of the baby in real time pictures. We went through the whole book and talked and then I showed them their sonogram pictures. We are along the lines of unschoolers, so I see this as a great opportunity to learn about the life cycle, and birth etc. They are getting a grow a frog for Xmas, so that will fit in nicely. It's been a fun conversation, I look forward to continuing it as the pregnancy progresses.

 

And then one of the big ones I've talked about on this thread was telling my bil and sil.  I decided to go ahead and tell my sil b/c I don't figure there is going to be any real great time from here on out. They are doing some testing and some things to give them the go ahead to try, so there's no good time to fit it in, that they won't also be in baby hope mode. So I called her and explained the situation.  She responded just as I expected; which was totally happy and supportive. We explained that we wanted to be sensitive to bil's feelings from his previous experience and to her as they embark on trying. She said she would talk to bil, but she really thinks he'll be fine. She immediately texted dh to congratulate him. She's a very gracious person. I'm so happy she's in all of our lives! And then we talked about how fun it would be if we were both pregnant at the same time, and who knows, we could both have new babies by the end of 2012. I sincerely hope that's the case and I have a very good feeling for them. 

 

 

post #36 of 80

Besides dh, only one good friend knows. I had to tell someone so I could chat with someone about what was going on and being so nervous (I'm pregnant after 2 losses).

 

I have my first u/s the first week in Jan, I'll be 10 weeks, and assuming all goes well we'll tell our parents at that point, and our siblings a few weeks later.

post #37 of 80

I always want to keep it to myself for awhile.  It's like this little secret that no one suspects.  This time we're pretty shocked and I'm not really sure how my family will feel about #3...we're not from big families and my boys both have some health struggles, so this might not seem prudent.  We have absolutely no family or help around here and I am anxious about adding a third to the mix. 

 

I called for an appointment today and they agreed to see me before Christmas, even though I won't be the full 9-10 weeks that they usually require.  We'll see how I feel after the 22nd when I have the first appt.  Ideally I'd like to wait until after we get the nuchal fold test and such -- as the doctor's office reminded me, I'm considered AMA this time around and may even be put in the 'high risk' group.  Since none of our family is around it will be easy to keep it a secret from me.   But friends here are going to suspect -- I even bailed on book club this week b/c everyone would wonder about me not drinking ;)

post #38 of 80

My diabetes puts me at high-risk, ainh. In my case it's not THAT big of a deal-- with my pregnancy with Cecilia, it meant appointments more often so my OB could monitor my blood sugar levels, and a couple of extra ultrasounds to make sure her brain and heart were developing normally. I birthed a perfect and perfectly little (6 lbs 3 oz!) girl at exactly 38 weeks.

post #39 of 80

Thanks Aimee...it feels a little strange to be put in high risk.  But I've always had lots of ultrasounds, so maybe it won't be any different really.  (My first was breech and no one could accurately tell his position, so I had many ultrasounds in the last two months -- eventually they did a version.   My second has a misplaced kidney that they discovered at 19 weeks, so they kept a close eye on him for other abnormalities.)

post #40 of 80

It has been interesting to watch the conversation evolve as far as telling those who are struggling with IF goes. As someone who's pregnant after a year and a half of trying, I definitely have some feelings about that! But it sounds like you ladies are doing a great job of trying to be sensitive to those who are struggling in your lives. I definitely agree with the idea of not telling anyone with IF that you are pregnant in front of a group of people. Whether or not you should tell them face to face I think depends more on the person, but in all cases, I think you have to be prepared to give them time to process, and to try not to take it personally if they aren't instantly ecstatic. I am definitely happy for all my friends who get pregnant, but sometimes it takes awhile to get over the shock factor, if I'm not expecting it. (It took WEEKS to process the fact that my brother and SIL were expecting twins, when their first was only 7 months old! And it also hurt that I found out the entire family knew for a few weeks before my brother found time to call me.)

 

Anyway, as far as my pregnancy - I'm planning on telling our immediate families at Christmas!! I'm excited to have a big Christmas surprise. Actually, it is killing me to wait that long, as I'm a "teller", but I want to have fun with it, and we pretty much won't see our families till Christmas, anyway, due to traveling for dh's work. No one else in either of our families is married besides my brother, and their twins were just born two days ago, so I'm pretty sure they'll be nothing but happy for me. We've been very open with our IF struggles with our families, so I think it should get overall good reactions all around. (Though I still wonder what MIL is going to think of becoming a grandmother - but I know she'll be happy for us!) Also, we'll be almost 7 weeks at Christmas, so I'll be a little more confident than I am now (4w 2d). We aren't planning any ultrasounds besides the 20 week one at this point, so I'm just going to have to go on faith that all is well. I'm not willing to wait until we can hear the heartbeat to announce! We will probably slowly start telling friends after we tell family, I think.

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