Minimalist Holidays « Back to Group Discussions

[Mommel]

For me one of the biggest challenges around the holidays is how to come away from it without feeling like I need to take a shower and then take a garbage bag to the house to collect all the unnecessary excess of stuff that's been brought into my household by well-meaning family and friends. I'm going to make a short list (I think I might be a compulsive list maker, sorry!) of things that I get way too much of and then a short list of things I like to get (if I have to get anything from people) if people really have to buy me things.

Things I get too much of and really hate:

1. Bath stuff... if I had a nickel for every "luxury" bath item that went to the landfill and/or to Goodwill, I'd be much, much richer than I am now. I swear I have to go through bath stuff way too often for a minimalist, but it seems like people who don't know what to get me, get me bath stuff. Do I stink? What gives? It's just an easy thing when people feel obligated to give, and even though I say "no, please don't", so many people don't actually mean what they say when they say that, so my pleas are ignored in favor of bath stuff.... or candles.

2. Candles... same as before. It's nice to have a few in case of emergencies, but really? I literally just got rid of twenty candles from last year... donated on Freecycle. 

3. Useless knicknacks. These are the worst. They are the kind of gift that says, "I really like you and I want to be better friends, so I am giving you a gift (that is something I hope you will like, but since we don't know each other very well just yet is generic enough to be good for almost anyone) in the hope that you reciprocate my friendship with a gift." Ugh. Yes, I like you too... but can we please just skip all that and go out for drinks or lunch and actually get to know each other better instead of buying into the consumerism of the holidays just for the sake of it? Pleeeeeze? Pretty please? 

Things I would love if people really have to get me something:

1. Time. A meal or a coffee or just hanging out with friends or family would be an awesome gift. I'm not on Facebook and have no desire to be, but as a result I feel less connected (as an aside, I have a "not on Facebook tribe" here too because FB makes me feel so falsely connected anyway), so it would be nice to actually spend some real Face Time, instead of Facebook time. You know?

2. Food gifts. Although I am sort of picky about my food more and more these days, a thoughtful... I remembered that you really like pears, so I ordered some fancy ones from Harry & David, or I know you love my grandmother's pumpkin pie and while I can't divulge the secret family recipe you keep asking for, I've brought you a pie. (But please don't bring me another one of that horrid casserole that you brought me when I was pregnant, and I said I liked because I was being polite). That's a tough one.

3. Experiential gifts. Spa days, tickets or gift certificates for things to do (especially with the giver as an activity partner) would be nice too.

How about you ladies? Some families are very opposed to "directing" gift givers and feel that it's very rude and that you should just accept a gift as given and be grateful. Period.

This year, I am getting the picture that while I am not going to get any gifts (I've finally gotten through to them), that my new two month old son will be receiving a bajillion little things that I will have to put in my suitcase and likely pay to check an extra bag to bring home on the flight. Bleh...

[maia.springgoddess]

I hear you Mommel​! My husband and I are naturally minimalist, but most of his family is not at all! At his Thanksgiving family reunion we were given an expensive, locally made, and completely ugly large glass candle holder. We got home, unwrapped it, and immediately wrapped it back up to donate. Just why?

My side of the family is much better. My sister and I have been encouraging each other to get rid of clutter over the past few years and she just sent a mass email reminding everyone not to give her anything for Christmas (with the exception of chocolate). I think I will give her a gift certificate to an amazing spa. And my brother-in-law will probably get a gift certificate for a fancy sushi place that he loves. I am also going to attempt homemade mustard to give to about 10 friends. So, food and experiences are definitely my go-tos for presents.

[Mommel]

Originally Posted by maia.springgoddess 

I hear you Mommel​! My husband and I are naturally minimalist, but most of his family is not at all! At his Thanksgiving family reunion we were given an expensive, locally made, and completely ugly large glass candle holder. We got home, unwrapped it, and immediately wrapped it back up to donate. Just why?

My side of the family is much better. My sister and I have been encouraging each other to get rid of clutter over the past few years and she just sent a mass email reminding everyone not to give her anything for Christmas (with the exception of chocolate). I think I will give her a gift certificate to an amazing spa. And my brother-in-law will probably get a gift certificate for a fancy sushi place that he loves. I am also going to attempt homemade mustard to give to about 10 friends. So, food and experiences are definitely my go-tos for presents.

All of a sudden chocolate with mustard sounds really good. I swear I'm not pregnant either!! Just hungry... LOL

[MonkeyPrincess]

My kids get a meaningful, useful, wanted gift and a stocking on Christmas morning, we don't do presents with anyone else. Oh, except if the little kids want to give their teacher something, I will make some extra candies and they can put them in a mason jar. Clutter free and yum! My parents do get the kids something, but my sisters and I just get together with the kids and decorate gingerbread houses. That's our gift to each other. :)

I am not against giving/receiving gifts in general, but I really only give things spontaneously...if I am thinking of someone and want them to know it I usually do food items, if I find something I know they have been looking for and I have the extra money I would pick it up for them, etc. I am a rather particular person and don't like stuff in general, so getting gifts usually brings me anxiety...even though I have no problem telling people where I stand with regards to gifts, I do NOT want to come across as ungrateful. There are just so few things I choose to bring into my space in the first place, its very rare that I will be happy to have the actual thing I've been given, even if I am bowled over with gratitude for the gift givers intention. I'm glad most of the people in my life understand this about me. (It took my husband YEARS!)

[belltree]

Oh gift giving, especially those unneeded knicknacks that just accumulate dust around the house, I can't stand them.

My husband's family is great and either asks if something is needed or sends us food, music, books from their home country, which is always welcome around here. But my family? They insist on presents and rather listening to wishes such as send to send us food items from their home country or nothing at all, they insist on sending something along with it, and honestly, it's just crap, or one of these "fun presents". We have enough mugs for a crowd, I don't need any more mugs or funny TShirts or weired ornaments or bathroom stuff.

I have tried not to give too much to my family either, but they really want the stuff. So this year everyone is getting a pair of smartwool socks. I hand-stitched their names inside. Done. I prefer giving things spontaneously when I see something special.

Please, either ask us, if we need something, listen and respect our wishes, or just don't give us anything and save yourself the money.

Ouselves - we do one present each on Christmas, often a small family trip, or a course (last year we learned how to make our own cheese). Our son will get packages from the grandparents as well and that's plenty for him.

[Rainey Daye]

As I expected, I'm probably the least minimalist of the posters so far...insofar as gifts for my child. He will get a couple very small gifts in his stocking (a matchbox car and another wild animal figure for his collection) and then three gifts from us...a very small Thomas train set that I got with Huggies codes, a small set of wooden blocks that I got for the price of shipping after a voucher, and some Duplo blocks from Freecycle. All these fit into the seven categories that I am working toward narrowing his toy collection down to.

His Granny already gave him another even smaller Thomas set for Christmas when we saw her for Thanksgiving and both Thomas sets will fit together with the simple figure 8 set that he already had (from Granny for his birthday this past summer) with the addition of a few extra track pieces and he will be set for trains (no elaborate setups for him). His train table is the only piece of furniture besides his toddler bed in his room and it was got off Craigslist for $20 with his birthday money from Grandma and Grandpa. 

Grandma and Grandpa will work with me on my wishes for Bug as well...Grandma wants to get him a little plastic toy car organizer and a couple more matchbox cars. I think his cousins and his Aunt Susie plan on giving him a few more little cars. Not sure about his Uncle Andrew or Aunt Syrena yet, but I don't think they will be a problem. His great-uncle Bruce will probably give him something that will have to be returned and his Aunt Rebekah has already declared she will NOT respect my wishes as she plans on giving him a Nerf gun!! All in all though, he will have a very respectable and small-ish Christmas with a couple things exchanged afterwards for acceptable stuff...and a GREAT deal of current unacceptable plastic stuff that requires batteries will be donated and replaced with what he's getting!! 

So yeah, this Christmas won't SEEM as minimalist, but once his toy collection is switched out and filled he will instead start to receive experience-based or educational gifts instead. The end goal is to get to the point where he still gets three gifts, but one is clothing, one is an experience, and one is educational (like a book or something). 

[Paigekitten]

Originally Posted by Mommel 

For me one of the biggest challenges around the holidays is how to come away from it without feeling like I need to take a shower and then take a garbage bag to the house to collect all the unnecessary excess of stuff that's been brought into my household by well-meaning family and friends.

I read this to my husband and he said "Oh MY GOSH that's you!"  So I totally understand the feeling.  I just wish that people would not bother to get me something unless they know I'll love it.  If you don't me well enough to know what I will like and not like then why are you getting me something?

And then family and my kids drives me crazy.  DH's father seems to think he has to provide an entire Christmas of junk for them, including stockings.  STOCKINGS!  I'm the parent!  I do the stockings! Sigh.  He always harasses us about giving him a Christmas wishlist for all of us and every year DH says, we don't really want things, please don't get us things, but here is a list of memberships we would love to have and can't afford (like the Zoo) or says "Well, what we would REALLY LOVE is a _____" and every year we get STUFF.  So this year I made up an Amazon wish list of things I know the kids will want and that I wont' hate.  Hopefully that will work out better since he doesn't seem to get the idea.

DH and I will probably do stockings for the kids from Santa, we will bake some treats for our friends, and then we will give the girls each a gift from us.  They are only 4,2, and new so they will be super happy with that.

[peaceful_mama]

LOVE memberships or lessons as gifts

[mudhugger]

Cheap plastic crap in stockings.  And weird gadget things...like a footlong compass with a clock and penlight that requires batteries for anything to work.  !!   I too really struggle with balancing gratefulness with the crawling feeling I get when confronted with a bunch of gifts I know will sit in the basement until I can freecycle them.  It's so hard.  And surprises wrapped up in bright colored paper are so much fun! 

Paigekitten, I hear you on the stockings.  I have the same problem with my mom-- she gets so excited about giving them.  I haven't been able to work up the courage to say anything to her yet, but the cheap plastic and tasteless gold coins drive me insane...and DS should only have ONE stocking. 

I totally agree on the gift certificates!  They rock.  For about 4 years now, we've been doing family gifts like a gift certificate to a local children's museum, or to a favourite ice cream place for our sibling's and their families.  DH makes artisan bread and homebrew for his dad, and I make favourite food treats for my folks.  The idea is that they will hear us begging for less stuff when they realize we're giving less stuff.  It's been mildly effective.  For our son, we do a stocking full of found treasures (he's still young, so it works well for now) and a homemade gift or two under the tree. 

I find that it's helped to celebrate all of December, rather than just christmas...but again, DS is still young, so I'd love to hear what others are doing, and how things have changed, as your kids get older.  Belltree, I LOVE that your family learned how to make cheese!  Fun! 

Are their traditions any of you have created that really have helped promote simplicity during the holidays?

[Rainey Daye]

I think my mom is finally getting it on the gift category...she is actually listening to my desires on specific kinds of toys for Bug. They can't really afford to do a zoo or museum membership for us, but I think once I feel like Bug has enough toys that they might be willing to contribute towards a membership. Once we are actually on the road and traveling there is a museum in Ohio that the membership is like $100 for a family, but it gets you into tons of museums, children's museum, zoos, and aquariums all over the country...and that will be what I will covet then!!

This year is the first year I am REALLY pushing for people to only give useful, consumable, or experiencial gifts so it's gonna be a little harder/trickier this year, but once the holidays are past, thank you's are said, and I still return stuff I think next year may be a little easier as more people start getting it!!

I let DH tell MIL about our desires....and since it came from him and not me....she is now on board...haha!! She even was declaring over Thanksgiving that she was only going to give a single gift to each grandkid (of course she still fudged on that, cause Bug got a small flashlight and a tiny metal "lunchbox" just big enough for a box of crayons...besides his one big gift)!! But I'm actually okay with both of those small gifts, cause the box can hold a few crayons and a small notepad in my purse to help keep Bug quiet in church and now that he has the small simple flashlight I can get rid of the annoying tiger flashlight he got last Christmas (that turns on by squeezing his tail and has a roaring sound effect)!!

I HATE getting "smelly" gifts because they are absolutely useless to me and must immediately be regifted (as I usually can't return them cause no gift receipts are ever given). My husband and child have asthma (both allergy and environmentally induced) and I have allergies...so we cannot stand perfumed anything and actually get ill in our friends overly scented houses. So it really is annoying to receive gifts like this year after year from people who should know better and it kind of takes the fun out of getting gifts when most of them aren't anything I can actually use (or even return for stuff that I CAN use)!!

Jewelry is another unwanted thing. I don't really wear jewelry at all around the house (not even my wedding and engagement rings) but I DO like to wear a watch, necklace, earrings, and several rings and bracelets when heading out of the house and I DO like to change it up a bit....but I have specific tastes when it comes to what I wear and most people are SO off when picking stuff out for me...plus I just have WAY too much right now. I mean, it's not overflowing my jewelry box or anything...but when over half the box is stuff I never wear it's a bit too much. So getting yet another 2-3 sets of department store costume jewelry every single Christmas starts to get ridiculous!!

Personally, all I REALLY want right now is $$ toward getting a quality pair of leather boots and hopefully a new trench coat to replace the coat I've had for six winters now. A bicycle and bike trailer (both off Craigslist, as used is just fine for me) would also be greatly appreciated as a way for Bug and I to get outside for fresh air and exercise. A museum membership renewal would also be nice, though that would be more for Bug than myself (as we spend WAY more time in the children's area than any of the other exhibits). A couple pairs of glasses with my new prescription off one of those inexpensive websites (where you can get a pair for around $20) would be a nice way to fill a need. Books for my Kindle, a new glass reuseable water bottle to replace my metal one, or a polypro hoop would also be fun....but not really needed. Other than that, I really can't think of a single thing I want to be cluttering up my house!!

[Ramzubo]

I've become mildly obsessed with this topic recently. With our extended family there's always a ton of confusion/stress involved in what are we going to do. We live far apart so we were having to ship/drag things across the globe every holiday. After trying for many years I finally just laid down the law. No gifts for adults, you get a card with our well wishes. For the little ones we just give a small amount of cash so they can go to the book/candy/whatever store and pick a little treat. Some family is on board and some aren't, but I'm hoping that after a couple of years of only getting a card from us they'll stop sending us junk.

I've already posted this on another simple holidays thread, but I agree that it's about the experiences of the holidays. We love to listen to Christmas music, bake cookies, look at lights, and enjoy our Christmas Eve fondue. My parents piled on the presents, but although I rarely remember presents I got, I do remember the hot cocoa in front of the fire. It was a whole December experience of doing things we didn't do all the time. There are loads of free and cheap things to do around here during the holiday season. I'd rather put in the "time" to create memories than the "money" to buy gifts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainey Daye 

As I expected, I'm probably the least minimalist of the posters so far...insofar as gifts for my child. He will get a couple very small gifts in his stocking (a matchbox car and another wild animal figure for his collection) and then three gifts from us...

With #1 on the way, we decided to set the rules down early. We too decided to do the 3 gifts plus a stocking. Guess this is why I say we're minimal-ers instead of full blown minimalists. Coming from our families this is a significant drop in the amounts of gifts.
 

Originally Posted by mudhugger 

Cheap plastic crap in stockings.  And weird gadget things...like a footlong compass with a clock and penlight that requires batteries for anything to work.  !!  

Yes to this! Luckily we're the only ones who do stockings...I could not handle getting a stocking full of junk from other family members. We try to stick with edible items because otherwise stockings just get filled with those cheesy "stocking stuffers" that stores try to push. Every year the in-laws give us money for a nice gift(yay deep freezer!) but then they insist on also giving us the most ridiculous small items. A plastic bottle for vinaigrette, a  potato peeler, a tiny glass cutting board big enough for maybe 1 tomato, and every year we get 2 flavored sugar packs. I guess it's their way of giving us a stocking.

Edited by Ramzubo - 12/1/11 at 9:22am

[mudhugger]

 A couple pairs of glasses with my new prescription off one of those inexpensive websites (where you can get a pair for around $20)

I get mine through Zenni Optical-- usually $9-20 for fun frames. 

[Mommel]

MonkeyPrincess - I hear you on the gift giving... if other people really want STUFF because it makes them feel loved and cared for then I'm okay with giving them STUFF, as long as it doesn't end up in MY house! LOL

belltree - I agree with the request for respect!! I think the problem is that people who equate STUFF with LOVE cannot fathom why we don't want STUFF. It's a very difficult thing to communicate to people who just don't seem to get it. I have a very good friend who thinks that HER gifts are the exception to my "rule", despite the fact that I regularly complain to her that so many "people" give me gifts I don't want or need (I think I need to find a less subtle way to let her know that SHE is "people". LOL)

Rainey Daye - YES!! I cannot stand to get another piece of unwanted jewelry! I finally got rid of everything except the one set of pearls that I wear every day. I sold what I could and donated the rest and I kept ONE piece of heirloom jewelry (my father would kill me if he knew this - and dear sister, if you are reading this, please don't tattle on me!). 

Paigekitten -  Great minds... you know. I had top grimace when I read about your FIL. I just think that's SO disrespectful! But there again, I think it's probably just a case of STUFF being his love language and sincerely not grasping that STUFF makes you feel claustrophobic and distinctly UN-loved. 

mudhugger - OMG! The footlong compass with a clock thing made me laugh so loud I almost woke the baby.  And Zenni Optical is AWESOME. I also get new lenses put into my old frames, and I have previously found vintage frames at flea markets and had lenses put into them, though most places can't guarantee they won't break the frames (because they can't replace them with their stock and won't pay for your broken frames), but I have yet to have them actually break a pair. 

Ramzubo - Let me know how that works for your family... I truly hope it does. Unfortunately, my experience has been that while giving what I want works well in other situations... i.e. give respect to get respect, or give love to receive love, etc... that it doesn't work for me in the reverse, especially with gifts... i.e. don't give gifts so I won't get them. I'm not entirely sure why it doesn't work for mine, although I know for some families it works perfectly... I have some ideas about it though. I think that (at least in my family) there are a lot more people who equate LOVE with STUFF (as I mentioned before above) and I really think that withholding STUFF only makes them more determined to give STUFF to me to prove their undying love for me, so that I will be LOVED enough to reciprocate... or loved in spite of the fact that I don't reciprocate. That doesn't change the fact that STUFF makes me feel anything but loved, and mostly makes me feel unduly burdened, disrespected and sometimes just plain irritated, but the only way I can get through is to tell them exactly what I really want... and to make it affordable, but not too cheap (lest they buy more stuff with their budget). And then lovingly re-gift, trash or donate whatever I don't need or want without remorse or guilt... immediately.

[Oliver's Mama]

For our kids, they get a stocking from santa with a toy, book, and gingerbread cookies. When my MIL heard we aren't giving the boys gifts from us because everyone else is too generous, I got a look that implied she might be compensating for that.. oops.

For relatives who really feel the need for a tangible gift, we're easing in the experience gifts.  Nieces and nephews get a certificate for a sleepover at our house along with new PJs.  Grandparents get a homemade birdseed wreath feeder with a gift card for a restaurant, etc.

My one gift pet peeve is getting Christmas knick knacks and ornaments.  It's quite clear that I don't decorate, and have a small tree, plus it seems silly to give those items after the fact.  Our only decor is a tree and a swag of garland on the bannister with the homemade stockings.  It's my first year not putting up anything else, just for the sake of decorating. Now, I can focus my attention on the only meaningful ones- tree and stockings, and spend more time with the kids.  My parents and inlaws spend so much time complaining about how they'll find time to decorate and who will help drag up all the trees and boxes from storage. that they don't have time to relax and enjoy.  I happily say we were done in 20 minutes!

[Mommel]

Holiday gift rant!!

I attended my IRL minimalist meeting tonight with the topic of "minimalist holidays" and when I got home my mom and I were sharing our days and I told her about the meeting, and started telling her about how I hate getting gifts and they cause me anxiety and how weird it is that everyone I know feels like they should be the exception to my "no gifts, please" rule and they don't understand how giving me a physical object causes me near physical pain... and she listened to me, and even gave me suggestions for making it clear to people... and THEN...

...wait for it...

...she GAVE ME A GIFT! 

Of something she bought on one of her travels that was exactly the type of gift I JUST told her that I cannot stand to get.

What kind of insanity is THAT? Erg.  

(On another note, I think I may start a "living with aging parents" tribe - LOL)

[Paigekitten]

Originally Posted by Mommel 

...she GAVE ME A GIFT! 

[Mommel]

I mean, seriously... I love the woman, but it's really like she doesn't hear me at all. *sigh*

[Ramzubo]

Mommel: It just seems some people can not change their thinking. I think parents seem to have an especially hard time with this. I don't know if it's the whole gifts=love thing or what.

Good news for our holidays; we've managed to get almost all the family on board the no gift exchange(don't talk to mom much so not sure what's up with her). All the siblings on both sides of the family have agreed to no presents, gift cards or anything. Woohoo! They all seemed relived when we brought it up. For nieces/nephews we're sending a small amount of cash in a card for a little treat or to put towards something useful. Dh's sister said she's happy with this, but she did mention her kids toys-r-us wish list. Too bad for her she also sent an email at the same time talking about the values she teaching her children during the holidays. It was all about anti-commercialism so we just sent an email back telling her we thought that was a fabulous idea so we would just send the cash to put in their college funds(her idea).

[Paigekitten]

So I wasn't planning to get a tree, just make some wreaths with some branches that fell into our neighbor's yard that she was getting rid of, but DH's boss was given 8 trees for free so DH brought one home.  I think we will set it up outside, in front of the window and then the kids and I will make popcorn and cranberry strings to decorate it. I do have a small box of angel ornaments, but I am not sure what to do with them.  Three are little angels playing the flute that my mother got for me because I play the flute and the other two were sent to my daughters from my grandmother.  

We found a wooden play kitchen on craigslist, and I have wanted to get them one for a few years now so they will get that for Christmas and I am also planning to make them some candies, soap crayons, and flubber for "stockings." We will probably use DH's socks or maybe their shoes because I only own one Christmas stocking.  I need to figure out what to do with that one stocking. It says "baby's first Christmas on it" but my parents never got me another and so it was my stocking every year, and then it became this family joke.  My mother knows I don't like a lot of stuff, and I know she has no use for it so I don't want to give it to her, but for some reason I feel really funny just tossing it a box going to goodwill.

[Mommel]

Originally Posted by Paigekitten 

I need to figure out what to do with that one stocking. It says "baby's first Christmas on it" but my parents never got me another and so it was my stocking every year, and then it became this family joke.  My mother knows I don't like a lot of stuff, and I know she has no use for it so I don't want to give it to her, but for some reason I feel really funny just tossing it a box going to goodwill.

I have my childhood stocking too... for that same reason. It is the only Christmas decoration I own.