My dh comes from a very medical family, and has worked several medical-type jobs over the years. Although he says he has faith in the process and supports me fully (which I believe), he has also made the occasional comment that hints at fears/concerns he has regarding my desire to birth at home alone. He flat refuses to openly discuss it though, saying he'll deal with it (whatever "it" is) and that everything will be fine. I'm worried he's going to panic when the time actually comes to have the baby and that his fear is going to cloud his perception/judgement. I'm uncomfortable insisting we explore his feelings/fears if he doesn't want to (not that I could force him anyway, obviously) but I don't want to be distracted during the birth wondering what he's going to fixate on and freak out over. Has anyone dealt with something similar with their partner? Any suggestions on what I can do to move through this with him?
- topicUnassisted Childbirthtagged by System, 11/28/11
Related Forum Threads
- Birth certificate- Alaska Last post on 2/5/14 at 9:32am in Unassisted Childbirth
- Wondering About Multiples Last post on 7/18/12 at 1:11pm in Unassisted Childbirth
- How to type baby's blood if you are RH-/how to get rhogam after a UC? Last post on 5/6/12 at 6:43pm in Unassisted Childbirth
- 4th UC, unexpected twins (warning: transfer) Last post on 5/21/12 at 12:00pm in Unassisted Childbirth
- trying to get my ducks in a row..... novel worthy warning... Last post on 5/12/12 at 2:30pm in Unassisted Childbirth
An Interview with Unassisted Birth Advocate Laura Shanley
Last edited: 3/14/13
- A Baby Born on Wednesday: The Story of the Unassisted BirthLast edited: 3/29/13
- A Baby Born on Wednesday, post 4Last edited: 3/29/13
- A Baby Born on Wednesday, post 3Last edited: 3/29/13
- A Baby Born on Wednesday, post 2Last edited: 3/29/13
helping dh face his fearspost #1 of 711/28/11 at 5:48pmThread Starterpost #2 of 711/29/11 at 4:55amHm, it sounds like he really does need to talk about things. Does he have a friend or brother that he is close to? Maybe he would be more comfortable talking to them.
Maybe if you start discussing YOUR fears, concerns, or just what-if situations, he will begin to open up and then a discussion can be had. I think that education is extremely important when considering UC, so make sure he is as informed as possible before labor begins.post #3 of 711/29/11 at 9:48am
does he understand that you sense his fears & that they effect you even if he doesn't speak them out loud? It sounds like maybe he is keeping them to himself because he feels that's the best way to support you -- thinking if he speaks them, he's causing you unneccessary stress... Maybe if he knows he's not going to say anything you haven't already considered, that having fear doesn't mean not supporting/having faith in you & that it'll help you worry about his experience *less* if you hear a little about his thought process, he'd be willing to share more.
If he decides not to open up, though, it may be up to you to separate your experience from what you percieve is going on for him on the inside (it might very well be that he doesn't want to share because his fears really are just passing thoughts & he doesn't find them significant)post #4 of 711/29/11 at 3:11pmpost #5 of 711/30/11 at 2:33am
How far along are you ZM?
I can totally understand your desire for your partner to be emotional stable during the birth. However, I've found the more dependent I believe myself to be on outside (myself) circumstances, people, ect...being a specific way, the more let down I've felt when feared action (or lack of) comes to pass.
I've come to view UC (after 5 births) much like a survival experience where the only one who can truly come to your rescue is YOU! I've often had to break my inward focus during birth to direct/guide others who may be in various states of panic/paralysis or demonstrating other unhelpful forms of normal behavior.
The guarantee of anything during birth is a false sense of security that sets you up for disappointment at best, or your own lack of presence at worst. UC ultimately becomes all you in the end. So, after learning this the long way, I suggest for you to assume full responsibility for as many of the issues concerning you as possible and being as compassionate and empathetic with your partner as you can. Non-violent communication is an effective method to draw out emotionally loaded subjects but I'd shift your focus back to what can make you feel more secure/prepared that is under your direct control.
He may panic and if he does you must determine how you will (or will not) respond to his fear. Becoming the calm (or not so calm;) leader may be necessary so prepare for the possibility. If you've read lots of birth stories, you'll find that things often happen quickly when there is actually much for others to do and the adrenaline aftermath hits when it's all over anyway.
My very guarded partner has only recently felt trusting enough to disclose his fears openly. And we're expecting our 3rd UC anyday now!post #6 of 711/30/11 at 10:59am
Beautifully said, Motheringbliss! Very important lesson for all of us!
There once was a time when I fantasized about having the parter who'd sway with me, hold me and be really intuitive, present and loving during labor... My first birth ended up being completely alone and it was wonderful that way. For the next two births, my husband was amazing and supportive, but not in that romantic way I'd imagined while pregnant with my first. It simply wasn't his personality, or mine. we sat and talked and poked fun at one another like we always to til it got intense and then I really retreated inside myself.
I think the way our relationships/interactions already are is how they'll likely be (maybe magnified a little) during birth. Having healthy boundaries, being empowered and understanding that ultimately you are only able to control/be responsible for your own actions and feelings is a healthy way to be any day :)
- A Baby Born on Wednesday: The Story of the Unassisted Birth
- › Changing my discipline techniques... where do I learn about GD/CP? 1 minute ago
- › another star publicly refuses to vaccinate and they skewer her in... 6 minutes ago
- › age appropriate expectations for 4 and 7yo to clean up after... 7 minutes ago
- › Who has an awesome hummus recipe? 14 minutes ago
- › ~*~The TTC ONE Thread~*~April 2014 16 minutes ago
- › Taking my child out of public school... 18 minutes ago
- › My dad passed away and I'm not handling it well 26 minutes ago
- › Share your favorite recipes featuring leafy dark green veggies! 26 minutes ago
- › Vaccines Don't Cause Autism: Healthcare triage #12 29 minutes ago
- › The Fertility Challenged One Thread - Spring 2014 32 minutes ago
- › Epibi Nursing Pads by SparkleMaman
- › By Marie Winn - The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers, and Family... by Catholic Mama
- › Vaccine: The Controversial Story of Medicine's Greatest Lifesaver by ss834
- › Pyur Diaper Balm by MimiPilla
- › Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Balm, Fragrance Free, by KatelynRose
- › Summer Infant Best View Handheld Color Video Monitor with 2.5"... by thebessmartinfo
- › Happy Heiny's One Size Cloth Diapers by SquirmyWorm
- › Homesteader's Kitchen, The: Recipes from Farm to Table by Monica S
- › Rainbow Light Just Once Prenatal One Multivitamin, 90 Tablets by glwilson22
- › Bear Stays Up for Christmas by rosemarievpaulson
- › Turning Five by Sheryl Paul
- › WellFuture WellBelly April 2014 Giveaway by JenniO11
- › 30 Hilarious and Inspiring Parenting Quotes... by Melanie Mayo
- › Should We Stop Acting Like Breastfeeding is a... by Sarah Clark
- › Got Trust? The Antidote for Insecurity &... by Marcy Axness
- › Finding My Tribe After the Death of My Daughter by Melanie Mayo
- › Ten Tips for Surviving Two Under Two by Melanie Mayo
- › The Worry and Wonderment of Parenting by Melanie Mayo
- › 5 Surprising Benefits to Making a Pet a Part... by Melanie Mayo
- › Mining Joy from the Muck of Daily Mothering by Marcy Axness