I actually don't have a lot of residual emotional stuff to work through from my son's birth-- I am 100% sure that I gave it my all and tried everything under the sun, and worked at it longer and harder than I ever thought possible. It was a tremendous, traumatic amount of pain, but I'd gladly go through that pain again for my next baby. We are very at peace with our midwife's role during the birth, our doula's help, and our decision to transfer.
My risks are higher now as a HBAC mom, plus I have the additional history of CPD. I never thought my body would grow a baby bigger than I could push out, but I should have known with my petite family and my husband's enormous family, we had a bit of a mismatch there! Overall though, it was the head size and not his 9lb4oz weight that did it. His head was off the charts.
Yes there are risks to everything, but when it comes to knowingly taking a risk with your child's life, it's a risk that's hard to swallow because you would have a pretty hard time ever forgiving yourself. I want to give us the best chance to have a normal birth, which is why I want a HBAC, but I was curious if there were other moms who have made that choice and could talk though how they finally decided on it.
I was a doula for 10 years and could easily help *others* through this decision, but it's so much harder when it's yourself!
There are always risks to everything! When we get in the car we risk an accident. We we plug in an appliance we risk fire. When we make a decision we risk being wrong.
Bottom line for birth, if your not comfortable with your birthing environment it will be a negative experience! It also sounds like you have SO MUCH emotional stuff to work through before you can really decided where to birth.
Typically our bodies will not grow babies we can't birth, thought there are exceptions. My mom 5' 3" gave birth (vaginaly) to a 10 lb 4 oz baby. Small women can birth large babies. Now I don't know your situation to a T, there is still so much I don't know (and don't need to know). What I do know is fear and undealt with emotions negatively affect birth. Take care of yourself so you can take care of baby. ((HUGS))