running away, spitting out food and power struggles...please help!

[doulawoman]

My 21 month old has entered a phase of sorts where she runs away gleefully....usually this centres around getting dressed to go outside, getting undressed for baths, diaper changes, or when we want/need her to come/go anywherre for any reason. She is not angry or distressed when she runs away, it is a game to her. It is a bit puzzling since lately I will let her stay in a dirty diaper she clearly *Wants* changed because I refuse to chase her, right now I am in my hat and boots and we are not going to the park even though this is her favorite thing in the world. She *knows* we are going to the park, she knows she has to get dressed, and once she is getting dressed she doesn't mind. If I take her by the hand she escapes...if I let her come to me she pretends tocome, gets a mischievious smile and runs away at the last minute. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant and I can't physically catch her even if I want to, not lunging around coffee tables and stuff, I am furious because I *know* this isabout power and control, I know she willnot nap if I don't get her out but I am so very sick of this, it seems to only be getting worse not better. As I was going pee and brushing teeth for myself, I told ehr we'd go get dressed when I was done, she was waiting eagerly for me to be done so we could go to the "paygound" and as soon as we went down the hall she started running away, laughing and being silly again. Nothing is working and sometimes I actually need to get out the door, it exhausts me and takes an hour sometimes.

She is also spitting out her favorite foods all over the house (i get her to pick it up and she is somewhat cooperative) and refusing to tr things. three weeks ago she ate nearly anything. she also randomly pulls my hair cause she thinks it's funny etc. I hate being home with her lately she is either acting this way or whining all.day.long wanting to nurse etc. our time together is not good time.

DD is very high needs, esp around sleep. she always has been, so these behaviours are harder for me to deal with because there are so many other ways in which she is more demanding. Has anyone had any luck durbing these behaviors? It should take both dh an I hours struggling with her everydya. her routine is generally very consistent but it is getting difficult as I can;t control when she will sleep, get dressed etc.

[asraidevin]

i swear to god my son thinks "come here" is code for run faster. When she runs take a breath and remember she will be a teenager someday, repeat to yourself "THIS WILL PASS."

I would stop trying to control her so much. Stop struggling you are chosing to get into power struggles with her. Take a good hard look over what behaviours you are locking into. It's so hard when it's our own child and we've been dealing with it for so long and it feels like they are doing it just to piss you off. I feel you. But, you need to take a step back and remember she's not even 2, she really isn't doing it just to piss you off (well she is because she likes the reaction if you stop reacting then she'll stop).

Instead of getting mad, have a bit of a chase game with her for 10 minutes and once she's calmed down, then you can get her dressed maybe. I read that somewhere, just chase her and tell her you need your hugs from her for the day or she needs to be tickled. And just have some fun with it for a while.

Somewhere on the the positive parents website below it says "Children don't misbehave they behave to get their needs met". You are exhausted from being pregnant and chasing a 2 year old all day. It's exhausting. And we have a few needs that need to get met everyday:

As any parent knows, hunger and sleep are two of the most common needs that, when unmet, trigger all kinds of "colorful" behaviors in children. Other needs children have that they will work at meeting are:

- Empathy; children need validation and acceptance of their thoughts and feelings
- Belonging; children need to know that they matter and that they have an importance place in the family
- Autonomy; children need to have choices and independence
- Connection; children need to be heard and understood (

- http://www.positive-parents.org/search/label/discipline)

Try working on those needs and see if it improves the situation.

If it's an optional situation ie park, just sit there with her stuff and don't react. Just wait for her to come. Once she stops getting a reaction from you it will be less fun.Yes, she does need to get out to the park for her playtime.

Secondly, make it her choice. Ask her to decide what she wants to get on first. If she choses boots she will learn that boots cannot go on before ski pants.

When she spits food, take the food away, she's clearly not hungry at that point. if she is remind her that because sge spit she doesn't get anymore and she can choose not to spit later when next food time is. (some of this may go over her head but she'll quickly figure out spitting means no more food).

Here's a whole list of toddler "management articles"

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/discipline-managing-toddler

http://www.positive-parents.org/search/label/toddlers

1. Toddlers are biologically programmed to PLAY and to EXPLORE. Both are crucial in toddlerhood. Don't squelch your little one's curiosity, but instead provide a safe place for her to explore and begin teaching her what is off-limits through language, play, and empathetic limit-setting.

2. Don't mistake independence for defiance. Some toddlers are more strong-willed and independent than others. My first son was very mellow and content under my wing, while my second wanted independence early. He doesn't want to hold my hand in parking lots (we'll address that one!) because he says "I can walk by myself!"

3. Develop a habit of seeing through your toddler's eyes. From your perspective, you're using your stern voice and redirecting him when he goes for the outlet. From his perspective, he's learning cause and effect. "Every time I go near this thing, mommy changes her voice, jumps up, and scoops me away! How fun!" So, his smile as he heads toward the outlet again isn't defiance, it's a game. "You silly boy! You like for me to chase you! Outlets are dangerous, OUCH! You'd better run that way, I'm going to get you!!" Giggles!

3. Here's a tip. Save your "danger voice" for the biggies. The average toddler hears the word "no" an astonishing 400 times a day, according to experts. If you use a big voice or yell out often, or use "no" a lot, this will soon lose effect. Your child may not be able to tell the difference between "NO! Stove hot!" and "NO! No cookie!" All she hears is "NO!" and if she hears it often, it doesn't signal danger. Consider using "no" infrequently (Check out How to Say No Without Saying No), and use different words for actual danger, such as "DANGER!" or "STOP!" which are more likely to catch your child's attention.

Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting offers this advice to a mom whose toddler is hitting her.

1. Set a limit (“We don’t hit”)
2. Offer empathy and acceptance of her feelings (“You are disappointed”)
3. Let her discharge her feelings by crying with your comfort.
4. Help her explore ways to shift her mood.

You can print this and hang it up if you'd like, because these are the basic steps we'll follow in handling aggression.

[doulawoman]

thank you for all the info. I will have to start reading. I can't really chase her though, game or seriously or what have you, I am getting huge and it is really hard for me to chase her, i end up hurting myself. I refuse to chase her. I don;t even get that mad/react, I just get bored of sitting there waiting for 20 mins. This has been going on for a while so my exasperation came out in the psot, but with her I don't really do much.

[Faither]

My almost 24 month old does this too and I am about 26 weeks pregnant. I totally feel your pain. What works for diaper changes is taking her into the bathroom and closing the door so she's virtually trapped. Sure we can explore everything in the vanity and check out the tub but she really can't run far. Since she's a bit older we do stand up diapering (or attempt it) and keeping her in a smaller space is better for that in general. Same thing goes for getting dressed. We go into her room and I shut the door. Of course then she pulls out toys and sits on her rocking chair, all sorts of things to distract her in there. But eventually she comes over and we can get changed. Some days this is so annoying and takes a long time, but she is curious about why I am sitting on her floor and she loves sitting in my lap so it works.

DH (he stays home with her) has another method entirely. They do a funny walk to get to wherever they are going (diaper change/get dressed). That works just about every time. It just makes her silly enough that she'll go where you want her too. Then we shut the door and start all over. It's not perfect but it's working at the moment.

I think the biggest thing that we both try to remember is that this will change soon just like everything else. She likes to put her clothes on herself so we're working toward that.

Deep breaths. Good Luck!

[hildare]

yup... another preggo mama chasing a little one. 

i tend to just turn it into a game, with boundaries.  dd usually only runs to one room when it's time to wipe her face after a meal.  i've been trying to preempt it too, by wiping before she realizes i'm about to...

if not, i will announce that i am coming to do xyz and then just go grab her, gently, and maybe with tickles.  with the nap thing, she did try to push that somewhat but i'm too tired and it affects her so horribly in the long run that i am actually willing to hold her and let her just be mad for a nap.  she doesn't fight that particular issue anymore.  i think this might sound meaner than it actually is-- when i chase her for the face wiping thing, for example, she's not particularly upset or fighting it or anything, it seems kind of fun. 

for the nap thing, i found pretty quickly if i let it go on, it led to a cycle of no sleep and worse behavior than a few seconds-literally- of non-tearful crying.  dh said it was almost like she needed to cry before she would go to sleep. 

for the diaper thing...  she's pretty much done with them except night diapers and nap diapers, and i have turned it into her responsibility to take the diaper off and put it in the bin.  sometimes she'll refuse or drag her feet a little and i'll just let her dwadle or whatever until it's time to do something she wants- like go outside, do a puzzle, etc.  and i'll just tell her we'll do it after the diaper is in the bin.  that works pretty consistently and i think lets her have some sort of autonomy about it...

i let the getting dressed thing go.  unless it's freezing cold and she wants to go outside, which i refuse to do until she dresses warmly, i don't care if she dresses herself or not. 

[Snapdragon]

My 20 month old also struggles and yells and tries to get away during diaper changes and clothes on and off. I have simply developed a tactic where I gently but firnly hold my leg accross his body- across his stomach area, and his arms needed, or legs- and just get the job done.  He gets upset about it while I do it but then is fine as soon as we are done, and we get to go out and do things! If I waited for him to come to me on his own to get dressed it just wouldn't happen.  I dont really chase him- if he is running around I sometimes wait a minute for him to get energy out, but when I am ready to go I just scoop him up, lay him down, and get it done!  I dont feel that it is harsh because I am always loving and respectful and gentle with him when I do it. But I also choose to be firm, and I also think it is good for the child to feel that the parent is stronger than they are- that the parents know better about some things- all the while if the parent remains respectful of the child. Not by respecting that they never want to be still to be changed, but by respecting that they need to get changed, and that they are needing me to take charge and do it! That is just my approach anyway.  I find that it doenst make a whole issue out if it for me and my son, where I am having to teach him to curb his instincts or anything. but it also allows him to learn a level of respect and ultimately beinifits him because we get to go out and he is warm and dry and in clean clothes!!

[newmamalizzy]

Sometimes if my 20 month old does the running away thing I just lay down and tell her I'm going to sleep until she wants to get dressed (or whatever).  She HATES it when I sleep, so it's almost guaranteed to work, and if it doesn't, at least I get a nap!  Lately I've been letting her choose her own clothes, and she's generally willing to put them on right away.  If I'm really not in the mood to be creative, I'll distract her with TV for a few minutes.  It's like an invisible leash that she can't run away from (shudder!). 

[doulawoman]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon 

My 20 month old also struggles and yells and tries to get away during diaper changes and clothes on and off. I have simply developed a tactic where I gently but firnly hold my leg accross his body- across his stomach area, and his arms needed, or legs- and just get the job done.  He gets upset about it while I do it but then is fine as soon as we are done, and we get to go out and do things! If I waited for him to come to me on his own to get dressed it just wouldn't happen.  I dont really chase him- if he is running around I sometimes wait a minute for him to get energy out, but when I am ready to go I just scoop him up, lay him down, and get it done!  I dont feel that it is harsh because I am always loving and respectful and gentle with him when I do it. But I also choose to be firm, and I also think it is good for the child to feel that the parent is stronger than they are- that the parents know better about some things- all the while if the parent remains respectful of the child. Not by respecting that they never want to be still to be changed, but by respecting that they need to get changed, and that they are needing me to take charge and do it! That is just my approach anyway.  I find that it doenst make a whole issue out if it for me and my son, where I am having to teach him to curb his instincts or anything. but it also allows him to learn a level of respect and ultimately beinifits him because we get to go out and he is warm and dry and in clean clothes!!

This was my approach too, but my tummy is big and unwieldly, I cannot get up and down quickly due to SPD, I end up injuring myself...and dd will run and run and run...I decided I can't do the park solo anymore at 35 weeks pregnant the other day when she escaped up the stairs and ran for the road and I almost didn't catch her....maybe my dd is just more fiesty and fast than some, dunno.

[babymommy2]

I haven't read the other responses so maybe I am repaeating, but :

this is all conpletely normal! it is fun to run away. she can't think far enough ahead to understand that running away=not goingto the park. You cannot reason with a 21month old, nor even a 2 1/2 year old! I have a 21 month old now who also runs away and loves to spit out food. This is my 3rd chidl. this is what works for me:

When getting dressed  I shut the bedroom door so I only have to corner him in the room vs chase around the whole house.

I get dressed for outside first, I keep the basement door closed (that is wear he escaps t). then I get him dressed, forcibly most of the time at times  (I don't have time to bargain with a 1 year old, my older chidlren have to go to school) put him in the car. I pick him up and get him dressed while he flails and tries to get away, I don't get mad, there is no discussion around it at all.

My child is a big spitter too. Lately he hold liquid in his mouth for a long time and spits it out so food is only in the high chair. When he throws food on the floor he is doen eating. Now he is better about putting his bowl on the table when he is done, but for awhile everthing went on the floor. when he throws a toy/spoon/anything, I put it up high. right now he will throw something when mad, pick it up throw again and again.

I'm trying to cut down on the nursing as well because it seems constant. If we are busy out and about or busy in the house he nurses less. If I sit down at all, like on a couch or the floor he instantly wants to nurse so I am trying distraction.

I think you will find it will get easier as you child gets older and as her vocbulary increases.