I am so sad for your sadness at Christmas... I really feel your pain.
And you had such a good vibe and positive omens this cycle, too. I think you're feeling so much more raw this time because you emotionally committed and believed in your heart that this would be it.
Or that's what I felt from your posts over the past few weeks.
And now to have your DP not only get a BFN but also to be so sick... that's rough.
I know I'm a total noob to this, but I would recommend you wait a week or so before you make any big decisions about your KD, how to proceed from here, etc.
I would even suggest putting any big conversations you guys have about it on ice for a week or so. Whatever decisions you make right now would be made while you're in the darkest, deepest, crappiest part of nature's cycle. And nature is amazing. Yes, it sucks to get AF, to be sick and sad, but it's also a new beginning, right? It's a circle, and right now you're at the bottom, but you've already turned the corner and are unerringly on the way back up again... and like winter is at it's worst and most miserable (and rainiest in Vancouver, anyway) at the moment, we're already past the solstice and the sun is on it's way back, even if we can't feel it yet.
So I would suggest that you wait.
This is the cleansing part of the cycle, the making room, getting ready for it all to start again in a few week's time...
Give yourself and your partner time and space, to heal and to grieve and to find your balance again and then make the big decisions.
I do have some thoughts on using frozen sperm.
1. I imagine you know your KD's sperm count (and analysis findings ie. morphology, etc). Assuming all is well with his sperm, your chances of getting pregnant in any one cycle using fresh sperm is significantly higher than with frozen sperm. So all things being equal (ie. your insemination timing, your DPs fertility and overall health, etc) your best bet is to stay with fresh.
There are 4 main reasons:
- ease of access/ number of inseminations per cycle
- count/ quality of sperm in sample (up to half of sperm do not survive freezing/thawing)
- life span of fresh sperm is several DAYS longer than previously-frozen sperm
- volume of ejaculate per insemination
Again, I'm pretty sure you know this, but just in case:
2. Fertility clinics in Vancouver CAN help you with known-donor frozen sperm, BUT it has to meet Canada's Assisted Human Reproductive Act, which is a pain in the ass.
There is 1 (yes, ONE) sperm bank in Canada, and it is ReproMed in Toronto. Your KD has to meet all the same health and quarantine requirements as other anonymous donors, meaning he (and perhaps one of you?) has to fly to Toronto, have all his medical screening tests (re)done, donate (hopefully) several samples over a number of days. That sample is then quarantined for 6 months at which point he is re-tested and the samples are released to you. Vancouver fertility clinics can then use them to do IUIs or whatever.
What's good about that:
- super safe, protects your health, etc
- once you go through that whole pain-in-the-a** procedure, that sperm is yours forever, totally legal in Canada, can be stored indefinitely, and can be used by any fertility clinic you like. All the paperwork is legit. You can also use it in future, should you want more children, and your KD is no longer healthy or available, etc etc
What sucks about it
- it costs a lot of money. Flights to Toronto (for at least 1, possibly 2 or 3 people), hotels, etc, plus the costs at ReproMed are extortionate. And no, they won't accept any health tests or sperm analysis tests done anywhere else, and yes, they can charge whatever they want as they have the monopoly.
- the whole process takes about 8 months, mostly due to the 6 month quarantine.
If you guys are thinking that this might be something you might need to rely on in the future, and you can afford it, you might want to get started on it now. Because waiting 8 months is a long, looooong wait. If you have the money, and your KD is willing, you might as well put some sperm on ice, no? Then you can still continue as you are with fresh, at home, which will then of course work immediately since you've just spent a load of money on the frozen. Murphy's law, right?
Plus, if you're considering using another donor's anonymous/or ID release frozen sperm (ie. purchasing from a clinic) your costs will quickly climb up to the costs of using ReproMed. I believe only Xytex Cryo sperm meets the Canadian standard, so have a look at their shipped prices, plus IUIs at a Vancouver clinic... it adds up fast!
3. I believe you can have directed-donor sperm frozen at the Seattle Sperm bank.
(I called them up to get more details on this once, but the guy I needed to speak to wasn't in the office that afternoon, and I never followed up...)
This sperm will NOT be accepted in Canada, so Vancouver fertility clinics cannot use it to do IUIs or anything else. The Reproductive Health Act forbids it. I believe (although I'm not sure, you'd have to ask them) that they may be able to ship it (frozen) to your home address to do an at-home IUI yourself (or with the help of a midwife). If not, you would drive to Seattle to have your IUI done there at the clinic.
What's good about it:
- start-up costs are cheaper! Driving to Seattle is a day trip (or 2 or 3), no hotels, flights, etc etc
- I believe the wait is shorter as you may be able to opt out of the 6 month quarantine with a directed donor (you'd need to check this)
What's bad about it
- if it turns out that you (or your DP) have fertility issues, you can't get help from a local Vancouver fertility clinic. They can't touch this sperm, and never will be able to help you with it. So in the long run, you may find you have to do MORE travelling going back and forth to Seattle each month, depending on how long it takes you to conceive...
- if this goes on for a while and you need to have IUIs done in a clinic (rather than having vials shipped to your home) the costs will start to climb up to and possibly above what ReproMed would have cost to start with.
- laws change, governments come and go, your sperm will be in the US, under US laws, you will be in Canada, etc. Things could get complicated. This is what we were told at Genesis clinic in Vancouver anyway.
So, you guys have options!!
My suggestion would be to wait a week before you decide anything. Then get a referral from your family doctor to see Dr Beth Taylor at Genesis on W Broadway.
We went to see her back in November and she was lovely, very calm and relaxed, and gave us some tips and sent us off 'to procreate'. She also said that if nothing had worked after 6 months we should come back and see her and she'd do some more investigations.
So, maybe you guys are at that stage.
Maybe it would help to have someone new look at your DP, check her blood/ hormone levels again (did you guys have a HSG done originally?), maybe do some extra tests. Maybe you just need to have someone new say 'yes, everything is good, you're very healthy and able to make a baby' to give you some confidence back so you guys can get pregnant next month (or the one after).