Very disappointing event.... I surged early, on Sat, and I had ordered the sperm Fri to be sent to the midwife. It's not getting there until today. So we are SOL this month. No hopeful 2ww over Christmas for us.
Queer Conceptions - December 2011 - Page 5
carmen- fingers crossed for you!
outdoorsy- oh, how annoying.
I know i'm new to this and this probably sounds really stupid but i never really thought about having to include shipping time in the calculations. That certainly adds a layer of complication. Our KD lives 15 mins down the road...
I hope you can at least enjoy a beverage or two over the Christmas period.
Cananny - those twins are so cute!
I love the way Hazel is assessing you with those tiny 2 month old eyes. Our friends 2nd daughter looks at you like that, too. She's 1 now but she could look right through you when she couldn't even sit up yet.
Carmen: yippee kay yay! I knew it. You go, girl. I know it's nerve wracking but enjoy the first few days of elation. It's the best.
Desert: hope you don't mind my interjecting some thoughts but it sounds to me like your DW might be annovulatory. Has it been 100% confirmed she does not have PCOS?
Outdoorsy--That is so terrible! Ugghh...did your temp go up? Maybe you O'd late? For some people, it takes a couple of days to O after surge AND remember that the egg can live around 12 hours!
AFM...Almost forgot to take my OPK this morning! (although...today is still early to start them..especially since sperm won't even be here until Wednesday) Definitely negative (thank goodness! ). I test twice a day and am hoping that this afternoon's is a bit darker...normally they gradually get darker before the surge and I will hopefully surge on Wednesday or Thursday. But with way last month went, who knows--although, I think last month was delayed because of how much stress I was under in finding out the results of my NBPTS...
Hope everyone is doing well!!
carmen -- thinking about you and hoping for a darker line (and better yet, rapidly doubling beta numbers). sending the hug your way this time
desert -- i'd hug you too right now if there weren't a few thousand miles of ocean in the way. thank you so much for your words of encouragement. this place truly is a welcoming, refreshing oasis, and i feel very lucky to have stumbled into it. there aren't too many people who even know we are trying, so i don't get to vent much. i am feeling a lot more hopeful today (see below)!
i paint with acrylics, too, and mostly because i love how quickly they dry. i studied at an art/film school in chicago for a little bit, and even though i was technically a film student, at least half my courses were in the art school. the prof in my first and only drawing class was horrible, but i had an amazing color teacher who inspired my own obsession with color. i mix all my own colors and love to just play with my palette knives. most of the stuff is very abstract expressionistic and probably appealing to no one but me, but i do enjoy the process. my main form of expression these days are in the form of the drawings i'm doing for my children's book. your painting both wowed me and made me want to get out all my tubes and start mixing. maybe when my break starts... what's going on with the little ones? are they still with you and you DP? how are you doing emotionally? i guess it's too early to be asking about DP's symptoms... maybe in a week?
allison -- a very warm WELCOME to our lovely little forum. your insemination experience sound really positive. i hope this is your month! and thanks for mentioning yoga. it's a wonderful thing, and i should be doing more of it. it sounds like the perfect way to shake that stress you mentioned. i hope your stay here is short!
anna -- i know exactly what you mean about feeling ambivalent about one person getting pregnant before the other. DP and i have talked about it, and i think i would probably feel both overjoyed and devastated, but i think any feelings of "why isn't it me?" would dissipate pretty quickly. a baby is a baby, and while i hope with all my heart that i can carry a child, i would be over the moon if i found out DP was pregnant.
frueher konnte ich sehr gut deutsch (bzw pfaelzisch) aber zur zeit kann ich kaum noch irgendwelche saetze zusammenbasteln. ich muss ueben... it sounds like you and i have had similar paths. with have three countries in common...i don't encounter that too often. i'm american, but i've lived in seven other countries, and i don't forsee myself returning to meine heimat. i just feel to comfortable with life over on this side of the pond. france is great in many ways (and, yes, the kids are frakking adorable...so polite), but i'm really feeling the weight of their discriminatory laws, so i don't love it the way i loved spain....or even england. maybe all that will change after the next election...one can only hope.
cananny -- thank you and merci for what you said. i can feel the positive energy all the way over here! those babies are really adorable. the meds the doc is putting me on will definitely increase my chances of conceiving twins, so now i'm seeing them everywhere. i hope AF shows up (how often do people say that on here?) and that you get to insem at the beginning of the new year. it's still so exciting for me that you're in this with us now. maybe we'll both end up with 2012 babies.
outdoorsy -- did you still insem anyway?? you should...even if you think you might have missed the O. i can't tell you how many stories i've seen where people were sure they'd missed the window and ended up pregnant that month. in any case, i'm sorry that you didn't get the sperm right away. i can completely relate to missing an opportunity due to a lack of swimmers. i hope all is not lost for this month.
lise -- congratulations on holding off until today! and thankya kindly for the recipe. it sounds delicious, and almond paste is readily available here, so that part is easy. what does you family call it? it sounds a little bit like small versions of a galette des rois, a cake they eat here during epiphany. if i can overcome my slight fear of pastry crust baking, i'll give it a go over the holidays. DP and her mom both make amazing tartes and crusts. maybe if i can master your recipe, i'll be able to show off a bit for them. good luck with the opks this month!
afm... after getting no reply from the clinic last friday, i called them today. apparently, we've both been accepted as patients! we don't have the details, because the doc hasn't mailed us yet, but it's very good news indeed. as i was just telling my sister, it's becoming more real now somehow. for the first time we have help on the journey....youpi! (as they say here.) being in the midst of exams is turning out not to be so bad. for the first time ever, my co-workers have started talking to me and joking with me. when i started there nearly two years ago, i didn't really speak french, and i have felt a bit isolated as a result. our admin assistant told me today that she used clomid and injectables before she got pregnant with her one year old daughter. it was so nice to finally confide in someone...especially someone who has been through the ttc process. i'm still pretty sure that i sound like a 3 year old half the time when i'm trying to explain things in french, but at least i'm finally communicating. thanks to all of you who have listened to me and offered your support and encouragement.
and to all of you in the tww...a big dollop of baby dust
Car,en: I know your past experience but you gotta screw the digital. Go get a blood test. With this pregnancy, I had one day of light, then a strong and then it went back to a light and I was driving my self nuts. But the same day I got the lightest line, I went in for blood draw and it was 154. And I was taking a 10mlu test. So what the f*** does that mean? It means it's all dependent on the amount of dye on the test and other factors. So just get in and get that blood test and find out what your base is. That's most important. Thinking lots of you!
Thanks for the warm welcome, guys!!!
As for our OPKs, when DW first started doing them, she was testing kinda willy-nilly, but then we paid closer attention and realized we were supposed to be stricter about it. She does everything perfectly, and they're totally inconsistent. She'll get a line DAYS before she actually ovulates, and then it will fluctuate between a dark line and a light line after that. We've given up on her OPKs. She got her hormones checked and everything's perfect, so we're just going to ignore the OPKs. We use BBT and CM, and I've also become incredibly skilled at wielding a speculum! ;) We are using a KD. Has been fun for the most part, once I got through our first round where I giggled and gagged every time I had to handle the sperm (now I just don't care, smell and all!).
To answer another question, we used Taking Charge of Your Fertility (who hasn't?), The Ultimate Lesbian Guide to Conception, Parenting, etc etc etc, and the other one by Rachel Pepper someone mentioned they didn't think Pepper was all supportive of home insems, and she doesn't even mention KDs as a possibility AT ALL. Disappointing. I thought Brill was kinda dry, but I was pretty burnt out of pregnancy/TTC books by the time I picked it up (not sure how that is possible, but I've definitely hit a wall in being able to read cover-to-cover any TTC book).
For the first time ever, my brain's just defaulted to thinking of her and a tiny human. I'm not sure if it's just wistful thinking, but it's certainly odd. I gut feeling knew in previous cycles that it hadn't worked LONG before anything happened, and I don't get that gut feeling now (my gut feeling is that it's *finally* worked and there's a tiny embryo digging it's way into her endometrium). I've always been planning the next insem cycle before we're even BFN/BFP, and this time I've not even LOOKED at January yet. All signs? Who knows. I thought wife looked pregnant (she looks different?)... maybe I'm going crazy (I do spend my working hours surrounded by babies. Small, often very sick, premature babies, but they're still babies!).
Carmen, I hope your results are in your favour!! Good luck!!
Good luck to all of you out there, armed with your OPKs and pregnancy tests!!
Thanks for the encouragement. I just had a really, really crappy day :( I have an appointment already scheduled with the RE for Wednesday to discuss the hsg and blood work results so I'm assuming he'll send me for a beta when I tell him I got a positive preg. test again. I mostly just hate the idea of the progesterone if I don't need it. We just got home because we missed our ferry so it's almost midnight and I have to be up at 5:15 for a long, busy day at work. Ugh. G'night everyone...tomorrow is a new day. (And I'm sorry to be ignoring everyone else....I hope everyone is doing well.)
ETA: My temp has been down for 3 days and dropped below the cover line this morning. I'm definitely going to test with a digital today (14DPO) because I really want to stop the progesterone if I can. A digital should pick up a viable pregnancy by now.
Edited by carmen358 - 12/13/11 at 6:32am
Allison--I think all of your thoughts and visualizations are very good signs!
Oh how I love the "getting-close-to-positive" opks! It looks as though I might have a positive in the next couple of days! Hooray! (It is rather silly how excited this makes me...)
Allison- I'm loving all your positive thoughts about this month's insems, too. I'm feeling a bit more vague and non-committal about our own chances on our first ever try, but I'm enjoying reading about your gut feelings. I hope they are indeed signs of something exciting happening!
And you made me chuckle about gagging around sperm. It is indeed a strange substance to have in one's bedroom all of a sudden :)
Luckily, our KDs sperm doesn't seem to have a smell at all! I remember a half-forgotten conversation with my first (actually only) boyfriend who told me that sperm of vegetarians or vegans has no smell and (apparently) a better taste, too. TMI, I know.
Also, looking back, I now wonder how a boy of 17 would have had such knowledge??! Hmmmm....
Carmen- ugh, that does sound like a crappy day. You guys must be exhausted.
I hope your digital test gave you the definitive answer you're hoping for. I'm thinking about you, too.
And good luck with your appointment on Wednesday.
Lisedea- I can just imagine you enjoying your "getting-close-to-positive" opks.
Like a grown up version of counting down to your birthday or Christmas
Hey they should make little count-down-to-Christmas sticks for kids to pee on. As the line turns darker and starts to look like a candy-cane Santa is approaching.
No news for us. Our first TWW!
S's temps are high and although her usually very clearly dip-n-spike ovulation temps were all over the place this month I think our timing of the last insem might have been pretty spot-on. Guess we'll find out right around Christmas whether our amateurish first attempt worked or not!
I also wanted to mention how amusing I find the selection of MDC emoticon options. there can't be very many forums that find a placenta icon useful.
I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a way to use it, but I can't.
So here it is, the ultimate non-sequitur:
Hope you guys are all having a great week! [placenta]
(thinking about ending all my posts with [random placenta] now. Cause I can. )
Lise and nosreves -- No, we didn't inseminate. The midwife said that since we've tried in the 36-hour range before, she wanted us to try inseminating earlier this time. So Monday would have been too late for that, although Lise you are certainly correct that O time can vary after the surge. I have a feeling that may be an issue for my body. But we don't want to waste all the $$$ on an insem that's too late. I am not temping at all anymore because the midwife said it wouldn't help. Hopefully I'll get pregnant before I have to start questioning her wisdom on that!
Now that we've done the intake visit with the midwife, I see there are a couple of big benefits to doing it at a medical office instead of at home. I was adamant about getting pregnant at home, but I didn't realize what the office could offer --- most especially, their own cryo-freezer so they can hold the sperm indefinitely for same-day insemination, so we don't have to worry about picking up from the bank in a hurry like before. (One time we tried getting it a couple days before we thought I would surge, and I never surged in the 7-day window you have to keep the tank.) The other big bonus is the simplicity of the fertility tracking. Hopefully the midwife is correct that with IUI we don't have to worry about temping or about EWCM (my nemesis!) or about viewing the cervix. She told me to just test once a day, call the day of the surge, and we'll inseminate -- that's it. I can picture some of you being concerned that I'm dealing with a half-assed place, but this is a place near Boston that is known for this. So we'll see how it works out.
nosreves: Great news both you and DP have been accepted as patients. I hope this is a the start of something good.
outdoorsy: good luck with the midwife insem. I think all doctors and midwives tell women to ditch the thermometer. I know I was told several times but I ignored them because I actually like temping. It gives me a (false) sense of control over the process.
lisedea: Hooray for almost positive opks.
Anna: I hope your tww flies by and you get your bfp.
Afm: Not Pregnant on the digital. I stopped the progesterone tonight. Our KD says he is on board for another try over the holidays (likely to fall around new year's eve) but I don't know if I want to try anymore. I'm really not in a good head space about this at all. Maybe I"ll feel better once AF is here.
Cananny, those twins are so delicious! They are surely going to rub off on you with their wonderful baby smells and coos and wiggles and you'll get pregnant and soon have your very own to snuggle! Sorry AF hasn't arrived on her own... your body must just be learning how to get into the swing of ovulating again.
Outdoorsy - UGH. That sucks about your early surge. I hate that. I'm sorry. I hope the clinic near Boston is the step you need to get pregnant!
Lise, any news on the OPK front? Swim team arrived today, right? Here's hoping you get a positive soon!
Nosreves, that's so fantastic! I'm incredibly happy for you and your partner, you're both accepted! HOORAY! It's also great that you're feeling more in sync with your coworkers now and that you have found someone to share an experience with.
I also adore acrylics because of how fast they dry, lol. I am absolutely in love with bright, joyful, vibrant colors! I enjoy mixing paints probably more than I enjoy painting. My wife says my palettes at the end of the night tell interesting stories. It would be interesting to do artistic photography of the spattered and full-of-colors palettes after each night of painting, to tell the story of the painting. Hmm. What an idea. Lots of the walls inside our house are painted lovely, cheerful colors. Chocolate brown, deep plum, turquoise, orange-yellow, royal blue, sunset orange, and blood red. I love it so very much, it makes my soul happy. As cliche as it may seem, I've only really started doing decent realistic painting since actually learning how to PAINT WHAT I SEE instead of what I perceive seeing. The shapes of shadows in wrinkles, the subtlety in highlight along the tip of an ear, so on and so forth. I still struggle sometimes because I'm looking so closely at the canvas and the little tiny thing I'm painting, that sometimes I have to prop the painting up and walk away from it and look at it again from a distance. I also recommend putting the painting/drawing away when you finish working on a piece of it, even if you only put it away for an evening or a few hours, then you can look at it fresh before starting up on it again. I get stuck looking at the small things I dislike, that I think aren't perfect, and my wife points out to me all the time that nobody notices those things but me. Which is why sometimes I'm very glad to be giving my paintings away, so I don't have to glare at their imperfections every day on my own wall at home, haha.
Allison - the way you're perceiving this cycle's attempt sounds very promising. I sincerely hope this one works out perfectly for you two! Also, I'd read that even frozen and then thawed sperm can have strong aroma, but I've never experienced that with our particular donor. We've only used this one donor's sperm, and we have two vials left in storage so after those we'll be searching for a new donor and we'll keep you updated then! (Hopefully we won't need to do that because this cycle works out!)
Anna (), are you sure that boyfriend wasn't angling to say something like, "Hey Anna, I've heard that what a guy eats changes the way his semen smells and tastes, I've been eating only strawberries for a week - why don't you test it out and let me know?" Haha. Also, your emoticon discussion got me wondering, why isn't there a sperm icon?!
Carmen. There are no more words left, and "I'm so sorry" just doesn't get the job done. I am hoping that you can come to peace with this loss, and reach a decision about continuing to try versus not and feel good about it. I wish there was something else I could do for you. If you think of anything, don't hesitate to let me know.
As for us. Tomorrow (Thursday) we'll be 7 DPO. Nothing to report, symptom-wise, says the wife. Our homemade Christmas ornaments are very close to (some of them) being done, hopefully I'll be able to post some photos very soon. I love the way they came out of the kiln, so I'm already pleased. I've made very marginal progress on my painting of myself for my mom's birthday. Yesterday, DW put 175 photos of the kids into a photo album to send home with them, which is something our agency suggests doing (called a "Life Book"), though I'm afraid all her hard work will be for nothing because I'm afraid the kids' birthmom will just trash it. Tonight I spent the evening writing captions in the book, since DW says I have the better handwriting. Tomorrow big A has her followup with the pediatric neurologist, during which DW will learn if anything abnormal showed up on big A's MRI from last week. Saturday morning we're taking the kids out to breakfast one last time with DW's parents and then they will go home.
Tonight, I walked into the preschooler's room at daycare to pick up big A, and she came running to the gate while shouting, "My mommy's here!" And I kind of froze, and looked around like, "What? Where?" and then it occurred to me that A was talking about me. She has never referred to me or DW as her mom in any capacity, and has shown a lot of understanding when others incorrectly refer to myself or my wife as her mom. To have her all of a sudden address me as her mommy... alright, I'm not going to lie, it broke my heart clean in half. I don't know what it means, I don't know what to think of it or to take from it, but it hurts. This whole thing hurts, and it sucks, and it's pretty miserable. And I signed up for it, so I can hardly complain, and yet I do anyway. You guys are all so lucky to be my captive audience.
It's been nine months. They have been both long and short months, and here we are at the end of their time in our lives. We have a number of large, framed photos of the kids up on the walls and I'm wondering now how hard it will be to tolerate having those photographs up once they're gone. I know eventually it will be easier. I believe that these kids have a purpose in this world, and I believe they will be watched over - if not by their mother, then by the greater being who watches over us all. I just have to believe they are going to be okay. I love them, and I already miss them.
Just realized, I forgot to answer Krista! DW has not been 100% confirmed to not have PCOS; we have an appointment with an RE next month (after different insurance kicks in) and we'll do all the testing he recommends then. It does make me wonder though, why do you suspect she is anovulatory? Her cycles are consistent within a few days (usually 32 or so days long), she gets clear thermal shifts halfway through, experiences negative OPKs before positive OPKs, and her EWCM always lines up with a high, soft, and open cervix. If anything, her cervix is high, soft, and open for a longer window than I'd prefer, and it makes the timing even harder with these damned frozen sperm. Your input is always valued!
Okay, that's really it for tonight. Later, ladies.
Desert--I love doing art projects! DW and I have been learning what temp to slump glass in a pottery kiln (much tricker than I imagined...) by practicing with wine bottles. We have been wrapping copper or silver wire around the neck of the bottom and have attached beach stones. They are pretty cool. We are going to use them as gifts this year since we have spent all of our money on sperm.
Anna--I got pregnant on our first amateurish try. It might work for you too! (Although, if so I hope your outcome is better than mine was!)
Positive OPK this morning! Too much fog for flying today--DW was supposed to go off island for clincals and is stuck here...makes me happy because I needed help packing for the 2 Christmas parties we have spread out over the state this week (Hooray for only having to pay to fly off once and get so much done!) I am calling the office within the hour to figure out when they want me in....hopefully it isn't too late by the time I make it off!
Anna- Good Luck in u guys first TWW!!!!
Carmen- soo sorry I was really hoping this was it for you, I hope you feel better about trying again soon.
Cananny- those twins are super adorable and huggable
Desert- I cant even imagine how u must be feeling with the kids leaving, but we are hoping that all will be well with them and that they will be watched over and taken care of properly.
AFU- we are currently staying with FIL for now hopefully we will be able to move out very very soon
GOOD LUCK WITH INSEMS AND TWWs!! BABYDUST!!!
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there semed to be no hope at all."
-- Dale Carnegie
"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th."
2 motivation quotes for us all when we are feeling down.