I hid her blanket

[Jennifer Mendez]

Please don't hate...
 

I hid my daughter's blanket. She hasn't slept without blanket since she was like 8 months old, or even earlier, probably, and she is now 4 years 6 months on Saturday. I'm feeling REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about this. But, last night was the 2nd night without it, and so far she has handled it amazingly well. We "looked" for it the first night. Couldn't "find" it, so she settled on one of my scarfs and a little baby lovey soft thing, both which she gave up once in bed, and opted for another blanket of mine. In the morning, we "looked" for it again, as I'd promised we would, and didn't "find" it. She went all day without it...Didn't ask for it, and didn't seem to need it, actually...which I found shocking, since she relies on it for everything. Last night she mentioned wanting it for bed, but settled for the same blanket of mine again. This morning she hasn't talked about it at all..

What led me to this is that she only ever wants blanket. This has been going on for a long time. Not a month, or a few months. Not a year...It's been a couple years, or so, and it's only gotten worse. I have only ever been accepting of this very serious attachment she has with it. She doesn't want anyone to touch her. She just wants blanket. She has only recently started actually holding her little brother, with her bare hands. For months she would only let him touch her if blanket was between them. At night, when it's time to cuddle, she doesn't actually want me to touch her. Just wrap her in blanket and then lay next to her. She pulls away in her sleep, when I try to cuddle with her. I don't force myself on her, by any means, so that is not what is going on. I try to give her hugs, when she is happy and when she is sad. She pushes away when happy, and completely flips out if I try to touch her when she is sad. She doesn't want to be touched. For a long time I thought it was a sensory thing, but that's not it. When she gets upset, she will not let me hold her, or touch her, and instead cuddles with blanket. Well, from everything I have read, she needs physical touch to help let go of her fears/sadness/anger. She will not let me hold her or touch her or even be near her, as long as blanket is there...So I did it...

I hid it, and in the last day and a half since she hasn't had it, she has let me hug her, hold her when she gets hurt, hold her hand, and cuddle with her at night. She hasn't shown any bit of anxiety about not having it, and she is obvious about her anxieties. She rubs her lip when she's feeling uncertain or uneasy, and if anything I would say that this habit has started to dwindle too.

I feel like from what I've noticed in the last day that I have done the right thing. But I am feeling REALLY guilty about this. I am not the kind of person that would be sneaky like this. We talk about everything. When it's time to go through old clothes, she helps me. I don't get rid of toys, and never have, even since she was barely talking, without her sitting there helping me decide which we should put in the keep pile, which we should get rid of, and which should be kept but put up. So just going and hiding it was/is completely foreign to the way I go about my parenting.

I haven't told my husband about this. I think he might have noticed, but he isn't home much. I am feeling like I committed this huge crime, lol. But seriously, I do feel like that.. Do you think I've done the right thing. Do you think there was a better way to go about this?

[Jennifer Mendez]

Awe, it says I'm new...I thought if I logged in with my facebook, it would connect with my other account. I've actually been around awhile.

[4midablemama]

I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 

[Jennifer Mendez]

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking about this after I posted and as we were playing. If she would have gotten very upset, I would have made sure we "found" it.

I'm worried that what might happen is what you describe. But, so far, she seems to be doing great. She even got mad earlier at the baby for crying, and when I asked her not to yell at him, she actually stopped, said she was sorry, and finished my sentence when I said, "I know you don't like hearing him cry..." with "but, we don't yell at people when we're mad". I'm really astonished with the changes that she has made in the last almost 2 days. Normally she would get mad at me and go get blanket and hide in her room.

I don't want to deprive her of her special blanket. I have no problem with loveys, and being attached to an object. I just feel like in our situation, the blanket was getting in the way of me helping her with her emotions, because she uses it as a way to shield things...if that makes sense.

I hope I am not coming across as defensive. I am sorry that your grandmother took your blanket away. I feel like a hypocrite by saying it wasn't right of her, while I'm over hear doing the same thing, pretty much. I don't want to take her blanket away, and I'm hoping that maybe we can get a handle on her behavior, then find it.

Originally Posted by 4midablemama 

I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 

[TCMoulton]

At 38 years old I still have my beloved blankie safely stashed in a small pillowcase under my pillow. I would have simply been devastated if someone took it away from me. If it really is a problem for you why not tell her that it must stay in her bed unless extenuating circumstances such as a long trip away from home or an injury. Honestly, I can promise that allowing her to keep it will not damage her in the long run.

[4midablemama]

I can see your dilemma, I really can, and I thought about it a lot before I posted my experience. It sounds like your reasons for removing the blanket are sound, and I hope that your daughter's behavior keeps getting better. I think that I would probably be worried, too, if one of my kids reacted to things by turning to a lovey and pushing me away. It might be worth talking to a counselor who specializes in children to make sure that there aren't other things going on with your daughter that would cause her to be so intensely attached to an object rather than the people around her.  

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton 

At 38 years old I still have my beloved blankie safely stashed in a small pillowcase under my pillow. I would have simply been devastated if someone took it away from me. If it really is a problem for you why not tell her that it must stay in her bed unless extenuating circumstances such as a long trip away from home or an injury. Honestly, I can promise that allowing her to keep it will not damage her in the long run.

That's an oxymoron. 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

That's an oxymoron. 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

To quote Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." ;)

Anyway, I think it's fine for kids to have loveys. My great-grandma Button always said, "Why say no if it doesn't matter?" If it were me, I think I'd try to work on her emotions with her without removing the blanket. Much like weaning from breastfeeding- offer alternatives, and let her move away from it at her own pace. But it's not my daughter, and it seems like it's going well. Still, it doesn't seem like it's sitting completely well with you either, OP. Maybe you should do some deep thinking about why you took it away, why you feel badly about it, and what it would mean to bring it back and try another way. Maybe you'll stick with your decision, or maybe not. Just an idea.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

That's an oxymoron. 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

Are you saying that the fact that a grown woman keeps her childhood blanket makes her damaged?

[McGucks]

41 year old woman here.  I still have pieces of my blankie and my thumb slips into my mouth from time to time.  I'm entirely unconcerned about it.

I have not read the OP's whole entry because my toddler's on the loose and I'm trying to fix supper, so I hope I don't regret saying this, but my thought is as follows:  nobody's ever too old for a comfort object.  Smokers smoke, foodies eat, drinkers drink, runners run...we all have our methods of self-soothing, and I think a blanket's a pretty innocuous one.

I understand OP's point, I think (I scanned very quickly)--that the blankie was used to the exclusion of loving parents.  That would suck and hurt my feelings as a parent, for sure.

I can't say what the right thing to do for the poster is.  She knows the situation and her child.

However, for me, the blankie was pretty great and important to my security for a very, very long time.

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by 4midablemama 

I can see your dilemma, I really can, and I thought about it a lot before I posted my experience. It sounds like your reasons for removing the blanket are sound, and I hope that your daughter's behavior keeps getting better. I think that I would probably be worried, too, if one of my kids reacted to things by turning to a lovey and pushing me away. It might be worth talking to a counselor who specializes in children to make sure that there aren't other things going on with your daughter that would cause her to be so intensely attached to an object rather than the people around her.  

I agree with this.

It sounds like you took the blanket away not because you were concerned about her having a lovey, but because there seemed to be something about her attachment to the lovey that was interfering with her ability to attach to people. Her change in behavior since the blanket disappeared seems to reinforce that notion. It does seem worth talking to an "expert" (perhaps one of MDC's experts?) to see if this is a typical pattern or cause for concern.

You sound like a very thoughtful and concerned parent who's trying to help your daughter be healthy. That's very different than arbitrarily taking away her lovey because you've decided it's time to be "done."

[Jennifer Mendez]

Exactly what's in this quote. We've tried weaning from it, and only having it at bed time/certain times. I have tried to have her hold on to part of her blanket while I hold her, so that we can talk. It just hasn't worked. Granted, she has always been like me...and all or nothing kind of person, so this makes sense.

Thank you for the comments everyone. I feel bad because I know how much she loves her blanket. I have tried this a couple other times. Once after she was using it to hit us (didn't hurt, of course). I told her we needed to put it up, since she wouldn't stop hitting us with it. Not as a punishment, but because she was using it as a weapon, even if it was a soft one. Another time when we accidentally left it in the car. I just asked my husband to leave it there, which ended up working since he wasn't home before bed for a couple nights, and it was rough, and she really missed it. That is why I am so surprised that she isn't having more of a problem with this. But that's why I feel like maybe this was the right timing, and that even though it doesn't feel right, it will be ok.

It really was so hard with her blanket, because as long as it was in the other room, waiting for bedtime, she would be able to get it whenever she needed to. Breaking the "only at bedtime" "rule", but I can't just take it from her and say "no blanket, you HAVE to let me help you. It's either me or nothing...", you know? With blanket "missing", she is having to make that decision on her own, not with me forcing the dilemma on her...does that make sense?

She co-sleeps, and I am home all day with her, every day. In the last couple of days she has been so open to my affection, where she never really has. Usually when she is sad, or angry, or upset, or frustrated, she just wants her blanket, and completely shuts me out.

I am definitely not against loveys. I am trying to aid my son in finding one. It's proving to be much more difficult that it was with my daughter ;) I think they are great. It helps when we have to leave her for a time with someone so we can go out (though I can't remember the last time THAT happened, lol). It helps when we are in the car, and I can't be there for her. But in the last year or two, I have noticed a huge change. I posted on another board, on cafemom, about this issue about a year and a half, and they said to just let it go, and be supportive, and she'll come around, but the opposite has happened.

Thank you all for being understanding, or at least trying to understand. If it was just the fact that she had a lovey, I would not have cared one bit. I sucked my thumb until 5th grade, when I decided to stop...So I see no problem with comfort objects. ;)

Originally Posted by CI Mama 

I agree with this.

It sounds like you took the blanket away not because you were concerned about her having a lovey, but because there seemed to be something about her attachment to the lovey that was interfering with her ability to attach to people. Her change in behavior since the blanket disappeared seems to reinforce that notion. It does seem worth talking to an "expert" (perhaps one of MDC's experts?) to see if this is a typical pattern or cause for concern.

You sound like a very thoughtful and concerned parent who's trying to help your daughter be healthy. That's very different than arbitrarily taking away her lovey because you've decided it's time to be "done."

[Imakcerka]

You hid it but didn't throw it away.  Has she asked for it?  I think if she asks for it you might need to give it to her.  Otherwise if she's doing fine I don't think it's that terrible

[NiteNicole]

I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 

[elisheva]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 

I think the OP explained this. Her DD was using the blanket almost as a crutch instead of interacting with real people. I admit that at first I was like "oh no you didn't" to the OP but after reading her explanations, it sounds like she made a very difficult decision that is bearing fruit. She sounds mindful and like she's prepared to change course if things go awry. I didn't get that it's all about the OP needing to cuddle with her daughter...

[dakotablue]

OP I see what your saying. It does not sound like a healthy attachment from what you are saying. I would seek professional advice just to check in and see if anything else is going on. You are trying to do what's best for her. That couldn't be more evident.

As for the blanket, After seeking some help I would defiantly hold on to it and maybe eventually 'find' it when she seems to have a healthier attachment to people.

As for me I still have my 'Monster' which I slept with every night as a child, even brought to college. It is currently sitting in the basement warding away any mice or bad monsters from my house.

I don't 'need' monster, but I would still be very sad and upset if something were to happen to him.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 

I think there is a difference between being not being "needy" for touch and going through extraordinary (for a child) measures to avoid ANY skin to skin contact. I think it is important to understand the "why" though because it isn't typical behavior for a child that age--when my son was behaving in a similar way he was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD/SPD/Asperger's; though he still doesn't enjoy as much physical contact as younger dd, he isn't actively avoiding it and initiates it a lot.
 

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

You hid it but didn't throw it away.  Has she asked for it?  I think if she asks for it you might need to give it to her.  Otherwise if she's doing fine I don't think it's that terrible

  It sounds like now that it's gone she doesn't seem to care.  If everyone is happy I see no issue.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Honey693 

  It sounds like now that it's gone she doesn't seem to care.  If everyone is happy I see no issue.

see that's the problem. some children like mine would put on a 'face' so others dont know how sad she is. she like my bro is a pro at hiding their feelings.

i dont know. i am v. conflicted about this. i have never done anything like this dramatic with my dd. she is v. sensitive emotionally and i have slowly built and done things with her so the 'shock' is not there. unless i didnt have a choice. 

it has been hard to work with her because if she knows its a big issue for me - she will hide it even from me. 

like she told me at 4 'ma just because i no longer cry when you drop me off at dc, doesnt mean i am ok with it. i am still really, really sad but i know you cant do anything about it so i have stopped crying so u dont feel hurt."

i can understand your action though mama. seeing how she was pushing others away. honestly i trust your decision that you know intuitively what is right for your child. it may not be right for mine, but i hope it is right for yours. 

i am assuming she has anxiety? has she been getting more stomach aches and headaches that mysteriously suddenly disappear and that is never affected by diet or water or pills? these were how i knew my dd was stressed. or other signs of anxiety that is unique to ur dd.

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

I think there is a difference between being not being "needy" for touch and going through extraordinary (for a child) measures to avoid ANY skin to skin contact. I think it is important to understand the "why" though because it isn't typical behavior for a child that age--when my son was behaving in a similar way he was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD/SPD/Asperger's; though he still doesn't enjoy as much physical contact as younger dd, he isn't actively avoiding it and initiates it a lot.
 

It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.

Edited by NiteNicole - 12/4/11 at 7:27am