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I hid her blanket - Page 2

post #21 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post



It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.



I think this is true ("there's nothing wrong with them") if you are talking about an older kid or adult who has skills at receiving comfort from a variety of options, blankey, touch, self-talk, play, other. But in this case, the OP described a young child who had settled into one and only one comfort mode, and the mama saw that this would not continue to serve her child, nor allow her to develop other connections.

 

OP, I think you're doing great, and you could perhaps go back and edit out of your mind all the apologies and self-criticism in your post. You've watched for but not seen any significant adjustment issues, and you know your daughter is different from meemee's child who can "put on a face." It sounds to me like you finally found the right moment to help her make this change, and congratulations to you for not forcing it on her earlier when you judged she wasn't ready. It also sounds like you're a mama who keeps an eye out, and you'll notice if there's something unbalanced that comes up later. I see nothing awful, mean, wrong, unkind, ungenerous, or self-serving in what you've said here. I just see a mama who is paying attention! Good job.

post #22 of 31
This is way rude. dizzy.gif

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post



That's an oxymoron. 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 
post #23 of 31

if it's disappeared before, and then reappeared, the daughter is probably expecting the same thing to happen.

 

 

OP: are you figuring on giving it back to her at any point soon? or what will you do with it, ultimately? what's your plan?

 

post #24 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post



It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.



I think there is a big difference between not being into touch and avoiding all forms of touch.  Sometimes people, whether adults or children, find ways to self sooth that work but that aren't actually emotionally healthy in the long run.  It sounds like the OP, who lives with the child and has known her all her life, has noticed that this attachment isn't one that is fostering emotional health and she is trying to thoughtfully help her child find other ways to sooth herself which may involve connecting with some of the people in her family.

 

OP, I agree with the posters who suggested going in for a screening.  The level of touch avoidance and obsessive attachment to just the one object seem very extreme for a young child.  I also want to say that I had a blanket as a child that I remember my mother putting up for when I had a child and it really didn't bother me that much, it definitely hasn't effected me for the long term.  Some people do reach an age when they are able to let go of an attachment to an object without serious emotional damage and it sounds like you have reached that point with your dd.

 

post #25 of 31
Thread Starter 

Hi everyone, and thanks for all the input. She hasn't asked for it, but has mentioned it maybe flying away, :P. I just said that we've been doing a lot of cleaning and reorganizing lately, so it's probably just lost for now, but we'll surely find it soon, if not when we move. That was enough for her. So she knows it's in the house.

I am keeping it. I would never get rid of it. The thought never even crossed my mind. The only thing I'm unsure she is when to introduce it back. She has shown amazing progress in the last week or so without it. She is still not as "touchy" as the next kid, but neither is her dad, and I'm sure that's just her personality. The problem, which I noticed others picked up on, was that she was adamantly against touch of any kind. I was very worried for awhile that it was a sensory thing, but we found that this wasn't the case. She just couldn't stand anyone touching her, at all. I don't feel any need to have me be her "lovey", I get enough touch from my 8 month old who I lovingly call my little "koala bear", because he is ALWAYS attached to me. (And as a side note, this behavior of my daughters wasn't brought on by the baby, but it did get worse when she saw how much he gets held, which says to me that she does in fact want to be held, touched...)

As far as it disappearing before, and thinking it will come back. It didn't necessarily "disappear". It was left in the car on one occasion, but quickly brought back inside when we realized she needed it. And the only other occasion was when she was hitting us with it, in which case I wasn't going to allow her to hit us with it anymore, so it was put on the counter, not in a box in the shed...

 

Anyway, yes she will get it back, as I have mentioned before. I'm not punishing her, and I'm allowing her space, and also not forcing myself on her. If she's sad I ask if she'd like a hug. Before, it was an adamant "NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! I WANT BLANKET!", whereas now she may stomp off and take a breather, but is back in less than 2-3 minutes, tops, and ready to say sorry, hug if she wants, pat her brother's hand lovingly, etc..

 

This was a difficult decision for me to make, even though it was fairly spontaneous. I put it up mid-day, and she was unaware that it went missing until night time, so I had time to change my mind. I could have woke up in the middle of the night and put it under a toy or in a cabinet, and played it off, but I was watching her cues and seeing how it was affecting her.

I don't know if I would say she has anxiety. She does feel and experience things on a deeper level, I know that. She rubs her lip with the back of her painted fingernail frequently, but so do I, and I can't think of anything I really have to worry about, so it may just be a funny habit. I do it because it's really soft. I did it with my moms nails when I was growing up, too, now that I think of it, so it may not be so much of an anxiety thing. She's never complained of stomachache, or headaches, or anything like that..

 

I thank everyone for their feedback, even the negative kind. It has helped me question what I'm doing to make sure that I am doing the right thing by her. I talked with my husband about it, and he didn't realize what I was doing. He thought it got dirty and was waiting to be washed or something. I find that funny, because even when that thing was filthy, she needed to have it, or things weren't pretty, lol...So it got washed very quickly when it really needed it... But, anyway, he said he did notice she was behaving better, and that she wasn't as hesitant to being touched.

post #26 of 31

I didn't read all the replies but I really wanted to respond. I'm 22 and still have what's left of my baby blankets in my pillowcase. They will always be with me until there's nothing left. I'm so glad no one ever took them away from me. My whole family picked on me constantly and asked when I would finally get rid of them but I just ignored it. My son is 22 months and since he was about 8 months or so, he's been super attached to this bear/blanket thing. Of course it's always dirty looking (even though I wash it often) and I don't want to cuddle it against my face, I wouldn't dream of taking it away from him. He loves it and it makes him feel secure and comforted, why take it? My mil and her mother were recently talking about how they took my bil's blanket away at like 1 or 2 (I forget which) and how he was so upset about it but eventually forgot about it. I told them I still have my blankets and that I have no intention of taking my son's bear away from him. What's it hurting? He'll eventually decide he doesn't need to carry if every place he goes on his own time. I have very different views from my very harsh mil and I love rubbing my opposing views in her face because there's not a damn thing she can do about it. Ah winky.gif

post #27 of 31

I think that's incredibly cruel.  Yes, she might seem fine now, but you have no idea what's going on inside her.

 

My youngest son has a blankie.  I made it before he was born and he's had it since.  He's now 5 1/2.  He would be devastated if his blankie disappeared, understandably.  I started setting limits on it when he was younger and he's had to keep it in the house or car since he was probably 2.  Now he uses it to sleep with and brings it out with him in the mornings while he's laying on the couch waking up.  It sounds like your child's attachment is much stronger and I can't even imagine how much she's probably hurting inside.  And you're lying to her. 

 

I'm 31 and have my old blankie still.  No I don't carry it around with me or sleep with it but I'm very happy it's still preserved for me.  Whether that's damaged me or not, I don't really care.

post #28 of 31
I'm sure the OP knows her child better than we do...

Sometimes the least selfish thing we do as parents is say "no" or give up something in the short-term for a long-term gain for our kids. It seems like this is one of those situations.

Good job, OP. You sound sensitive and caring and I'm glad this is working out so far.
post #29 of 31


It sounds, OP, like your kid was developing a coping habit that allowed her to avoid responsiblity and consequence rather than touch per se.

 

She was retreating into the comfort of the blankie rather than face her actions or choices...THAT is a dangerous habit, and if removing access to the blanket is the best way to get her to do that I think it is okay, but perhaps dishonest of you to do so in this way.

 

Why not limit access to the blanket to moments of self-soothing rather than remove all access at all times?  My son retreats into playing with his tracks for similar reasons, it is a world of escape for him but we have just laid down rules that we can escape when it is the time to escape, but when it is the time to face the ugly and do some spiritual cleaning up, we leave the tracks alone and get to the business of facing our choices and consequences.

 

I haven't disappeared his tracks, I simply put them up in that moment so that he understands that it isn't the self-soothing that is bad it is the vice-like treatment of the tracks as an avoidance technique when things get hard...sometimes life is hard and we need to face that to grow up.

 

I don't know if it makes sense...but rather than lie (and I am not prefect, I have lied about stuff too to avoid conflict, but I don't think it's the best thing in the long run), it might be better, and address the long term root of the issue better if you deal honestly with the situation.

 

Just a thought.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4midablemama View Post

I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 


Me too.  My dad took away my bear, and just after the separation of my parents...yes he was a germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross, but he was my germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross, and my best friend.  I would sooner die than ever take away my son's own germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross.
 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post


That's an oxymoron. 

 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

 


No...it might be a paradox if you think sleeping with a comforting thing is damaged, but either way it is NOT an oxymoron.

 

tiphat.gif
 

I still have my baby blanket and recently had the holes in it mended and passed it on to my daughter who loves it even more than the blanket I quilted for her.

 

The blanket tells a story.  It is my blanket.  It is the softest dang blanket that ever there was.  Plus it has vintage Peter Rabbit prints on it...it is made of awesome and I love it, and if we take good care of it, it might even last another generation.  Why not?

 

I think I am quite well adjusted given the trauma of the Fuzzy Bear incident of my youth.

post #30 of 31

OP, you sound like one of the most attentive respectful moms i have heard of. I'm incredible impressed how you have taken the sometimes harsh judgments of these posts. You have a lot of grace, your daughter is lucky to have you.

 

I think what you did, you did for the right reasons and was ok because of the things you saw happening. That she is doing so well shows that she is responding to this in healthy way. I dont think from the description of your daughter and the type of parent you are, that her stuffing her problems would go unnoticed. That she does not seem to ask for it, means that she was ready in some way to move on. Parenting means sometime having to make the harder choices for our kids, we are gifted thru experience the long distance view on life and they are the beneficiaries of that vision.

 

I'm glad you are saving it, i would make sure to wash it well and put it away somewhere very very safe and protected from harm and aging. I would not give it back too soon. I would think that so long as she continues to move forward, that you can give it back to her once it will be a memento rather than directly a lovey, does that make sense?  Like if she were 6 or 7 and found it in a move, then she and you could reminisce about it rather than turn back to it?  maybe at that point also give her a really special box that will fit it and maybe a few other tokens of childhood and let her start a memory box as she grows up?

post #31 of 31

I think it's the right thing to do, OP. Keep it to return at some point, and lay down some rules about returning it too, so she doesn't use it to ignore everything, but instead uses it for self-soothing. Sure, many people take away their kids lovies or blankies or special object because they feel the child is too old or has outgrown them, and *that* may or may not be questionable depending on your parenting style... but I think *this* is more akin to her using it to hit other people.

 

My kids usually have short-term treasures (shell from the beach, treasured for a week at the beach, "where's my shell?! need my shell!" but after getting back home, they forget the shell. If the treasured shell becomes something to hit siblings and others with or becomes a reason for outlandish temper tantrums or screaming fits though, the shell has to be put away, at least for a while. What you're describing with her blanket is pretty similar IMO. 

 

I might talk to her about her behavior first, praise her good behavior, comment on how nice that is. Ask how she feels about her behavior and if she feels it is easier to behave kindly while blankie is missing. If it's hard to behave kindly when she has blankie. If she says yes to both, then I say blankie can stay missing a good long while, as in years. If she says no to both, maybe re-find blankie for a day, but tell her you think blankie should be only for x timeframe, bedtime maybe? 

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