Introducing DD to the new baby

[Adaline'sMama]

Im giving birth in the hospital, and I want DD to meet the new baby as soon as she can, but I want her to be well rested. Also, I really want it to just be me, DH, DD, and the new baby when she meets him. No grandparents present, which MIL will be watching DD while I give birth, so it means that we have to find a nice way to kick her out as soon as she brings DD to the hospital. Basically, how do I say, in a nice way, "Thanks for watching her, and I know you want to see your new grandchild, but I really want you to go away while we enjoy this experience just the four of us?"

I just feel like that if there are a bunch of people in the room, DD will be distracted and everyone will be making a big deal of it and I really want to remember this moment forever. The hospital is about 40 minutes from MIL's house, so she will basically have to wait in the waiting room or go somewhere- she wont just be dropping DD off and going back home because she will want to visit and see the new baby too. Plus, DD will have to go back home with her because she cant stay at the hospital with us. The option of just not letting DD see the baby until we go home is completely off the table. I have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours after birth (well, I dont, but the baby does) and DD has never not seen us for that long. I dont want to keep her separated from us that long, and I think she would be shocked if she was. It would be two nights, plus however long I was in labor. So, if I went into labor at say, 8 pm on Monday night and gave birth at 3 am Tuesday morning, I wouldnt be released until 8 am Thursday morning. Thats a long time to be away from my 22 month old, considering 24 hours has been the max.

How did you introduce your little one to the new baby? Im especially interested in hearing from moms who have had a baby with another little one under 3 years old and how they reacted, what you did, and how you worked the introduction. Were you alone with your babes, were people around, was it in a hospital or at home? If you are a mama giving birth and have a kid that age, how do you plan to do it?

[katelove]

Could your DH go and pick DD up from MILs house for the first visit? That might make it a bit easier than having her right there but not allowed to come into the room/see the new baby.

[Adaline'sMama]

I really dont think DH would be interested in driving 40 minutes to get her, 40 minutes to bring her to me, and then 40 minutes to take her back, and then 40 minutes back to stay with me at the hospital the day our new baby is born. That is a lot of driving by himself when he is not going to want to be separated from the two of us at all. Since it wouldnt make sense gas and mileage wise, we would still have to tell his mom that the reason DH is doing that is to keep her from being there because she would think he was crazy for driving all that way when she was planning to come to the hospital to see the new baby anyway. We are going to have to tell her either way that we dont want her in the room when DD meets her brother and she'll be butt hurt about it whether DH picks her up or whether she brings DD down so we just have to find a nice way to make sure she understands that we want a little immediate family only time.

She can come in the room and see the baby, I just dont want her to be there when DD is there for the first time. Im sure my parents will be there (and have no problem with me telling them- "hey, can yall go do something for a little bit so we can do this by outselves") so maybe my parents can watch DD while MIL comes in and meets the new baby and then DD can come in by herself while MIL waits outside in the waiting room. The thing is, its really likely that they will come as soon as the baby is born, so she'll know I dont want long time visitors anyway. Basically, I just want her to go away for 20 minutes, I dont want to have to have DH drive 3+ hours that day.

[Right of Passage]

What if DH picked up DD, came back, you guys had your family time, and then MIL would come and pick her up and get the chance to meet baby too?

[FrannieM]

I dont know what your relationship is like with your MIL, but with mine she would be totally fine if I said "I cant wait to introduce DD to new baby!  I need the moment to be really low key though.  Can you give us a call when you get to the parking lot?  DH will come get DD and you can get a cup of coffee real quick while our new family member meets DD.  Then, see you 20 minutes later!  Thanks SO MUCH for watching DD!"

[Kkrpata]

I agree with Frannie.  Sounds like a good plan :)

My DD was 25 months old when my DS was born.  To be honest, my parents watched her the night before, but they wanted to be there when DS was born.  We had a scheduled section, so I suppose that was easier for them since they knew exactly when he would be born.  They came to the hospital with DD and waited while I was in surgery.  Afterwards, we came out and everyone met him at the same time.  We had plenty of family time alone with her and DS later, I didn't mind my parents and in-laws being there right away.  I did kick them out to nurse for the first time but it didn't bother me that they wanted to see him right way :)  Everyone's different though, and if you want that moment to be super special and just the four of you, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her that.

Another idea, I don't know how close you are with MIL or if she would be capable of this at all, but maybe she could capture on film those first moments that your daughter meets your son.  You'll be busy, your DH will be busy, if she can be quiet and either video or take pics, that might be super special to have also :)  We do have on film our DD meeting her little brother and I'm glad we do.  Of course, it wasn't quiet at all and about two seconds after meeting him you hear my MIL say "okay, well I'm going to work now"...as if she was bored with it all.  LOL But I'm still glad we have it :)

Hope it all works out!

[mamanoish]

My oldest was barely 2.5 when my youngest was born and I hadn't put a lot of thought into the introduction. Man, I wish I had!! I think if you approach your MIL prior to the new baby's arrival and explain to her that whenever they all come up to visit after the baby is born that you'd like to gently introduce DD with just the four of you with minimal distraction. My oldest DS is VERY excitable and acts much different around others than when he is just with DH and I, so I can definitely understand your concern. If your DD is anything like my DS then I would just explain that to them, then say you want to other family visiting in right after.. so they don't feel left out. I don't think you will hurt any feelings at all. Also, explain that it might be overwhelming for you as you are recovering to have SO much going on during introductions. I thought when I was pregnant with my first that I'd want a room full of visitors and family but honestly, this time... I probably won't even tell people I'm in labor because I can't stand being bothered. 

My introduction with my second child was chaos. We birthed at a birth center, so we were only there my labor + 4 hours in recovery then we went straight home. DS gets crazy when he's excited... even more so with spectators. I mean bouncing off the walls and won't listen because he thinks he can get away with it. Of course now he's 6 so he's much easier to handle than when he was 2. With this baby, I'm birthing at home and the boys will be in the house, so hopefully the transition will be much easier for us this time. 

[Altair]

Sorry to DD crash but I have the exact same concern!  When my son was born we had planned a HB and we not going to invite family (my ILs are the only ones local) until the next day, but when we had to transfer to the hospital they RUSHED over and were in the room as soon as I was checked into my PP room, while I was supposed to be nursing my son to get his blood sugars up so he wouldn't need an IV/formula , they were taking their time holding him.  I was LIVID and to this day it is the only part of my birth experience that I regret.

They will be watching my son this time (he will have just turned 3) and I don't know whether we will be at home or hospital (though due to factors of my previous birth there's a chance we'll be having another HB c-section transfer).  I do NOT want them there when my son meets his sibling, and they will be so, so angry when we tell them that.  But I think we're just going to have to ask as nicely as possible if they can call us when they are close and Dad will come down to get our son, and they can go to a coffee shop (if at home) or the cafeteria for a half hour so that our first introduction can be as quiet and low key as possible.  Then they are welcome to come in after a half hour.  If we're at the hospital, they will have to take our son home with them too, which is a scary idea to me!  He's not going to want to leave us again... and I'm worried they will over-talk it and make him nervous before and after he meets the baby too.  Ahhh well nothing is easy here!

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by FrannieM 

I dont know what your relationship is like with your MIL, but with mine she would be totally fine if I said "I cant wait to introduce DD to new baby!  I need the moment to be really low key though.  Can you give us a call when you get to the parking lot?  DH will come get DD and you can get a cup of coffee real quick while our new family member meets DD.  Then, see you 20 minutes later!  Thanks SO MUCH for watching DD!"

I would love to say this to my MIL. She'd probably reply to DH with something like, "Oh, I guess me being your only parent for the past 28 years accounts for nothing. I cant even see my own granddaughter. That's fine, Ill just wait out in the car all alone."


I told my parents yesterday that when DD meets DS we want to be all alone and they were like, "Of course!, we cant imagine it any other way. How are you going to tell DH's mom that?"

She's a hard one to deal with.


I think the plan is for DH to explain it to her after Christmas, so she doesnt give us any guilt about it during Christmas. One thing is that her DD (SIL) will be leaving just before I have the baby to go on a 9 month trip to Europe, so she will already be feeling abandoned and like she doesnt have 100% control over everything, and that is when its hardest to put our foot down about stuff. Plus, when she had SIL, she had the person who was watching DH bring him in and stay with her so Im sure she will say something about how this isnt how she did it, and the way she did it worked just great (DH was 10, not 2).

DH is totally on board about this, so I hope he can just deal with it and I wont have to at all. My parents are down, so thats my job right?

[Right of Passage]

I was thinking if you had DH pick up DD, then have her come out, that would give her time to "recover" from taking care of DD get spiffed up for pics and you can play it off as you want to make sure SHE gets a special introduction with new baby and don't want DD's introduction to interrupt that. ;)