Seeking help!

[autumnmom20]

I am writing this with concern about my 15 month old daughter.  Since birth she has not been a very cuddly baby.  She never liked to be rocked and preferred to be held outward.  Since about 7 months we have been concerned about her eye contact.  She never looks my husband or I in the eye when we are holding her.  For awhile, she began meeting our eyes more often during play, but has since started looking away quite often.  In addition, she looks down a lot.  An example is when I come to get her in the morning.

Recently, she has stopped playing with toys.  Her day consists of looking at books, playing with the dogs, and walking around the house.  She doesn't get into much trouble.  If I try to play with her in the evenings or on the weekends, she walks away from me.  She prefers to be by herself.  She also doesn't show much emotion.  When I come home, she sometimes doesn't smile and she barely laughs if ever. 

Overall she says about 10-15 words.  At times, she babbles, but mostly she is quiet.  She loves looking at her objects book and does try to say the words as I tell them to her. 

Amazingly, the other week she led my in-laws to the park where my husband and I take her, but they had never been there before. 

Am I overreacting about this or should I pursue help?  If you have made it this far, thank you!

[ErinYay]

I'm sure others will chime in, but if you're in the US, Early Intervention evaluations are free and often *very* useful. We had EI out for our nearly-2-yr-old DD last week, and will be meeting with her caseworker Monday to get her scores and discuss a gameplan- they knew without even tabulating that she'll qualify based on both social and speech. I personally do see some red flags based on your post- she reminds me of our kid a bit. Have you discussed anything with her ped?

I wish I had followed my gut and gotten her eval'd sooner. I suggest making a list of your concerns, and try to recall her early milestones- words, gestures, etc. Our ped, whom I adore, has gently been pushing us to wait and see. We see him (he specializes in autism though is not a developmental pediatrician) in 2 weeks for her 2-year and a special meeting to discuss ASD. Hopefully with an organized list and her EI results, he'll get us a referral to a dev ped or neuropsych. If he wants to wait and see more, well, we'll just go over his head.

If you don't choose to get services through EI, you'll at least have validation of your concerns, more information to work off of, or, if they say she's fine, you can relax a bit. Keep notes, though- it's been really frustrating going through all my old emails/ Facebook posts to try to gather information.

Good luck to you!

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by autumnmom20 
Am I overreacting about this or should I pursue help?  If you have made it this far, thank you!

The point of evaluations is to "evaluate" if there is a problem so I don't think it's overreacting to get one done!

I'd start with EI as it is fairly quick/easy to access, but I'd also look for a clinic like this as it can take 9-12 months to get an appointment--if you wait until you're sure there is a problem to contact them, you'd have to wait nearly a year from that point for the appointment.

As the pp said, I'd review the developmental milestones, note when she met them and anything else you have noticed (feeding issues, sleep issues, etc.), keep notes of who you talk to/when you talk to them, e-mails, etc. It's easier to start out organized than to have to back track. The book Wrightslaw: From Emotions to Advocacy has tips on organizing these things and other information that may be helpful to you down the line.

[buttercup]

Follow your mommy instinct.  It doesn't hurt to contact EI to express your concerns. If there is a developmental delay, then having her in intervention at such a young age can benefit her and your family as a whole.

Re the 10-15 words.  She she use those words to communicate her needs or wants, i.e. "ball" when she wants the ball you are holding?  Does she use the words to label an object in her surrounding?  If she uses the words to label, does she just yell out the word or is she looking at you or another person in trying to get you to look at the object?   Those are important questions to think about.  Many times those charts will state a child has X No. of words by a certain age, but there are children who have the words but use them inappropriately.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I have been a SAHM, home day care provider, and now care for my grandson while my son and dil work long hours so I have years of experience with toddlers from different perspectives. When you work full time your child doesn't have a lot of energy for you during the week. It sounds like you don't sleep with her so you don't have the extra closeness of the family bed. There is nothing wrong with these things in our society but they will/may have an impact on how your child behaves. She may be so tired from her day care situation that she just wants to be left alone in the evening. Many adults feel that way after work!

She is saying enough words for her age. Playing with toys may come and go. There is a commercial on TV right now for Mastercard about how the parents get the toddler a toy and the toddler plays with the box it comes in and how it is priceless. When my grandson was around your daughter's age his favorite things were two big wooden spoons. She may get some new Christmas toys that catches her fancy.

I think her development is in normal limits. I don't believe in mommy instinct. I am a scientist and I believe in learning and research. I think if you read a little more about toddler development you will be more confident about your child's behavior.

[ErinYay]

I'm sorry, but whoa, whoa, whoa.

We do *not* blame parents for their child's difficulties in connecting. It is beyond offensive to read such outdated nonsense on a support board in particular.

No amount of cosleeping or staying-at-home-momming can create a bond if a child is wired in an atypical way. 

The refrigerator mother is a dangerous, damaging myth and it really pains me to see it perpetuated in 2011. 

Not cool.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ErinYay 

We do *not* blame parents for their child's difficulties in connecting. It is beyond offensive to read such outdated nonsense on a support board in particular.

yes, it's nasty to blame the mother, yet it some people do it no matter what the mother is doing!

I was a SAHM and my kids didn't go to preschool, and many people suggested that my DD's social delays were caused by those parenting decisions. My DD is on the autism spectrum, and in spite of the fact that no research has found a link being a mother's work status and autism, some complete idiots believe there is one.

May be it is easier than accepting that life is random.

back to the OP -- it sound like there are enough red flags to warrant an evaluation. It's so hard to tell what is going on with little kids.

She does sound a bit like my DD at that age, and while my DD is on the spectrum, she is now 15 and in high school, preparing for college. She has 2 friends. She loves to read, study science, and make art. She and I recently started working out the Y together. She's really awesome. Even if it is autism, it can still be OK.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

She is saying enough words for her age. Playing with toys may come and go. There is a commercial on TV right now for Mastercard about how the parents get the toddler a toy and the toddler plays with the box it comes in and how it is priceless. When my grandson was around your daughter's age his favorite things were two big wooden spoons. She may get some new Christmas toys that catches her fancy.

I think her development is in normal limits. I don't believe in mommy instinct. I am a scientist and I believe in learning and research. I think if you read a little more about toddler development you will be more confident about your child's behavior.

Advice like this is why so many of our children here did not get the help they needed when we first sensed something wasn't right.

And many of our children have gotten help when we persisted despite even medical "naysayers" because we knew something wasn't right.

If you've been on this board any length of time you'd have seen many posts from parents who when to their doctor with concerns, sometimes repeatedly, only to be told that "all children get there eventually," "her development is within normal limits," "you're just a nervous first-time parent"; who later learn that their concerns were justified and that their children lost months or years of time where they could have helped.

I think if you read a little more about diagnosing developmental problems in infants in young children you will be less confident in discouraging a parent from seeking evaluations when they have concerns.

[ErinYay]

As far as I am aware, there is literally not a single delay or disorder that can't be helped with early interventions. Worse case scenario, everyone sits around the fire in a decade and jokes about that time silly mom thought you had autism. Best case scenario, the child's needs and limits are addressed early and helpfully.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

She is saying enough words for her age.

I think her development is in normal limits. I don't believe in mommy instinct. I am a scientist and I believe in learning and research.

 

This is not the only measure being used here.  My DS says enough words.  At 2 yo he has well over 200 words, many of which most kids his age don't know.  But he's still autistic.  Like you the ped was only going by how many words he had when judging whether or not he needed an evaluation. My mommy instinct told me things were off - he couldn't talk to me like a NT child, even though he has hundreds of words.  He was slow to notice/acknowledge things/people, he would spend long periods of time doing things that most kids his age flit on and off of (spinning the propeller on his toy helicopter, stacking blocks over and over, nesting and un-nesting his nesting blocks, drawing on his Magna-Doodle, etc.), among various other small things.  It wasn't until a friend with experience (and my SIL with a 9 yo ASD kid) mentioned something that I finally listened to my instincts and made the call.  If I were to only look at the lists of developmental milestones, he would be considered absolutely normal by most standards.  But the fact is he can't socialize properly, he has echolalia, and he's obsessive.  Those are 3 things that he needs help with, and I am not qualified to provide it. 

OP - I would suggest starting the process.  If they don't see any reason for it, they'll tell you so.  But the in-depth assessments by people trained to notice these small signals really can't compare with a casual appt with a normal ped.  And the earlier you start the process, the more help you can get.  I just regret waiting until he was almost 2 to make the call, I suspected things were "off" before then, but just kept my head in the sand.  Now we only get 10 mos of one-on-one therapy (until he's 3), instead of the year+ we could have gotten if I had called earlier. 

And I'll also say that the testing process really isn't scary for the kids.  This was a big fear for me.  They make it as calm and fun as possible for them.  You'll have to deal with your own fears, but a lot of it is just like a playdate with adults instead of other kids.  And the information you get can really only help you, even if the diagnosis will change with time (at this age a firm diagnosis, i.e. Aspergers, is not really possible, but they'll be able to see if she's on the spectrum). 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

foreverinbluejeans-

As many members have now pointed out, your post is inappropriate.  We do not allow blaming a mother for the fact that her child may be struggling.  You are perpetuating the mommy wars and you are also perpetuating that "refrigerator" mother myth.  The SNP forum is a support forum.  Your posts are accusatory and disrespectful.  Again, please read the forum guidlines, and don't continue posting until you can do so within the forum guidlines.

[karne]

If nothing else, the completely irrelevant and outdated post of Blue Jeans allows us to step up and support the gut instincts that we, as mothers, have about our children.  OP, there is never anything wrong with seeking an opinion, advice, or an eval if you are feeling concerned.  It's the right thing to do for your child.  We are so fortunate to have the resources available to our children at such a young age these days.

In my pediatric practice you can simply ask for a development check, which allows for conversation about concerns, any time, not just scheduled visits.  I have to tell you that as a mom of two, I have had many such conversations!  I don't think we're meant to parent in isolation.  Wherever you find the support to ask your questions, please go there.  We are our children's advocates.  I hope you continue to use this forum for support and questions, as you need.

[FarmerBeth]

Science and mommy instinct are not separate.  Parents typically notice something doesn't feel right and have their children evaluated, leading to diagnoses in most cases.  Instinct is often observation (just like any scientist) from those that do not have "expertise" to use scientific labels.

OP, I think there's no harm in a little over worrying, but there is potential harm in not seeking help if it's needed.  I agree with the PPs that it's best to get the evaluation to clear things up.  I do have regrets not following up on my worry about DS's reactions to sounds and movement as a baby.  I have no regrets about evaluations, even those which didn't give "correct" or conclusive answers.  They all provided clues and insight at the very least.

Hope to see you back in the forum and that you can get some answers for your LO.