Thanks Shesaid- So after all that, I couldn't even get the shot due to my propensity for adverse reactions to drugs. I mean they didn't say I couldn't get it, just that I should get it at the doctor's office. The pharmacy was VERY helpful and gave me the insert to the package and the number of the manufacturer. The preservative-free flu vaccine is listed as Class B so that definitely put my mind at ease. Now I just have to wait until Monday because I need to call my PCP and see if she has the preservative-free shot and would be able to give it to me. She wanted to know how the fertility treatments were going so this gives me an opportunity to tell her they were successful! DH and I played a game last night so that was helpful. I also love how excited he is about the babies! When we woke up this morning, he said "Guess what honey?" I said, "what?" and he said, you are 8 weeks and 2 days or 58 days along." I thought it was adorable he was keeping track too! I think he's really pretty happy to be becoming a daddy.
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~ DECEMBER 2011 INFERTILITY ONE THREAD ~ - Page 11post #201 of 26712/16/11 at 6:05pmpost #202 of 26712/17/11 at 1:52am
Shesaidboom, did you get a test? haha it's the internal struggle we all go through! I just wanted to quickly come on and let you know that progesterone supplements can be very irritating to your vagina, if that is what you mean by pain. I took endometrin and whenever I started feeling really irritated down there, I started using my fingers instead of the applicators to administer the pill. I found that using the applicators would cause irritation that led to a bit of spotting (at least i think that was the reason for the spotting!) and when I switched to my fingers, the irritation lessened and the spotting went away. I hope that helps!!post #203 of 26712/17/11 at 2:36am
Thanks for the encouragement Shesaidboom today I'm 14 DPO (or 13 DPO). AF is due tomorrow or Monday. My cycles are generally 26 to 28 dys with the odd 24 and 29 once. When I tested (Thursday) I was about 12 or 11 DPO. You may be on to something there but I'll wait to see if i'm a couple days late. If BFN I'll do a beta just to be doubly sure because the uncertainty is too risky with my Grave's Disease.
Hoping and that you get your BFP.
deborahbgkelly: Awwwwww that's so cute of your DH. Hope things work out with the flu shot.post #204 of 26712/17/11 at 7:55ampost #205 of 26712/17/11 at 8:16am
Hi all- there is a lot here for me to catch up on!
Sourire- Are you testing early or waiting until Monday like shesaidboom? How is the Crinone treating you now? I've heard you have to kind of 'clean out' the leftover gel every couple days, is it causing any irritation? Are you getting the dreaded 'pregnancy symptoms' that come with progesterone supplements?
Chica- I'm glad you are coping well, I hope your body just needed to reset to carry a healthy pregnancy, at least now you know you can get pregnant, now just to make it sticky! I think your OPK checking timing sounds good. Fingers crossed for extra fertility this cycle! I also am a big fan of the Parenthood- how heartbreaking about the adoption though... so sad.
Brichole- They always do IUI 36 hrs post-trigger... I think my problem was I already started my LH surge before the trigger which usually is only 36 hours, so depending on when my own started and then combined with the trigger, I have no idea when O occured. My nurse did say there was fertile CM and my CP was still high and open, so that is a good sign that the IUI timing was fine. I hope we all have a baby in the belly for NYE. Your timing sounds good with BDing though!
Gemmine- are you eating your pineapple core- I'm gagging my way through.. I have 8 pieces (2 pineapples). I started the night of O and will use them every day- probably eating 2 on the last day just for good measure. It sounds like me and you and brichole are cycle buddies!
Shesaidboom- I vote for testing on Sunday AM - it is a happy compromise between today and waiting til Monday. Has the cramping gone away? I can't remember really if I had any vaginal pain... I do remember feeling pressure but not pain. I hope that it is just your cervix changing to hold a baby!
deborah- good luck with the flu shot
skeemama- big hug- I'm sorry it didn't work this month, we're here for you if you need to vent/advise/sympathize, etc. I hope you're taking it easy on yourself
AFM- Only 2 DPIUI. I'm supposed to start prometrium today, I just can't bring myself to insert the pill.... I hate the side effects. I might wait until tonight, I know I'll do it, I just... ugh... I hate the side effects. I had my work Christmas party yesterday, got a massage and facial and ate lots of good food, it was a nice day. It wasn't as nice as when my boss actually liked us... but it was tolerable because he wasn't there most of the day. One of my co-workers divulged to me that she had an abortion a few months ago, she only told her b/f and it is eating her alive, thinks about it every day, etc. I think I handled it well, but I just keep thinking about it. I know if she trusted me enough to confide in me that I needed to be as supportive for her current predicament as possible, after all, God did not put me here to judge people, that is his job on the last day... I just felt so sad for her, so young and whatever... she was on BCP so it wasn't so much a 'you made your bed now sleep in it' sort of unprotected/deserved risk, so although it is something I am totally against in my own life and would never encourage anyone beforehand to do, again, I'm not put on this earth to be the judge. It was an awkward postion to be in, and again, I'm only sharing because I just can't stop thinking about whether I handled it the right way. The IF/Catholic part of me wanted to scream and berate her, but the compassionite/Catholic part of me wanted to hold her tight and tell her she would be okay. Although in a way I feel like of course you think about it every day, that was your baby, you were so lucky to have conceived. Blah. I had half a glass of red wine last night, it was not as good as I would have liked to actually enjoy drinking wine when I'm trying not to drink...post #206 of 26712/17/11 at 8:57am
deborah - thanks for sharing those pics of your little peanuts! That sounds like a really difficult decision you had to make about that flu shot. It sounds reassuring that you might get a preservative free version of the shot.
brichole - I'm seeing a doctor at my fertility clinic. According to his bio he is an OBGYN specialised in infertility. When I start IUI in January they will add on Ovidrel to the Femara + Crinone that I'm currently taking. Good luck with your family gathering tomorrow, be strong!
gozal - I hope you find some peace during your well deserved break and I hope you can forget about TTC completely for a little while.
monkey - you and your DH sure travel a lot! Is it your DH's work that brings on all this traveling? What does he do?
jukim - Welcome! I know from experience how scary it is to begin TTC when you already know you have issues... especially after nothing happens in those first few cycles and the reality begins to sink in that you may have to do this the hard way. I envy women who have no idea they might have a fertility issue because they get to spend the first 6 months to 1 year of TTC being happy and hopeful about their chances of getting pregnant, however for me I found it very difficult emotionally starting after my 3rd failed cycle. I really hope you are one of those people whose fertility issues turn out to be not such a big deal after all and you get your BFP very soon. And if not, well I think you will find a lot of support in this group.
boots - Congrats on the first ultrasound! I totally understand how scary things must be for you right now because you've been trying for this pregnancy for so long and it would be so terrifying to lose it now that you've finally reached this step! Are there any activities you can do that can help you feel less nervous about your pregnancy (even temporarily)? Yoga really helps me feel more calm. I've never been pregnant before but sometimes when I feel nervous about other things in life I try to convince myself that being nervous won't change what's going to happen so I just try to relax and enjoy the moment as much as possible (easier said than done, I know!)
chicajones - speaking of TV/movies that talk about infertility, a few months ago I saw the movie Mother and Child...I highly recommend that one to anyone who's in the mood to have a good cry! DH came home right around the end of the movie and I was crying buckets when he walked in, lol! It's more focused on adoption than infertility but one of the main characters is dealing with infertility and the actress does a really good job portraying the emotions we all go through. Good luck with your new cycle! I hope you get an ovulation for Christmas!
shesaidboom - how are you holding out cycle buddy? Have you tested yet? I was planning to wait until Wednesday but my pharmacist (who also happens to be my DH hehe) mentioned that if I am preggo I'll need a huge supply of Crinone for the next 10 weeks and his pharmacy has to order it a few days in advance so I should probably test sooner. Maybe I'll do it on Tuesday, which would be 13 DPO.
I'm also taking a break next cycle because I'm going to be travelling to visit my family for the holidays (in Western Canada) and it would interfere with the IUI schedule. I'm really looking forward to having a complete cycle with no medications at all, the last med free cycle I did was in April and the side effects are so exhausting that the break will feel great.
I've never had vaginal pain from progesterone but I've heard that people occasionally get infections from prometrium so you might want to go see your doctor if the pain continues.
cbaa - I'm definitely not testing this weekend. I always go through the debate between keeping hope alive by not testing and the possibility of seeing a BFP sooner, but last time I tested sooner I really regretted it because I got a BFN and I was sooooooooo upset.
I did have to start cleaning out the leftover Crinone gunk because it built up so much that I was having a hard time getting the applicator in every day! Gross, right? But so far I'm pretty happy with the Crinone because I haven't had ANY spotting yet since I started it and I'm already at 11DPO! When I was taking Prometrium I still had some LP spotting here and there.
Good luck with the prometrium, you can do it! You know all those crap side effects will be worth it in the end! This is just proof that we all deserves babies: we want it badly enough to deal with all these medications! And our babies will definitely know how much we loved and wanted them when they arrive and we tell them our stories! I know how hard it can be for a child growing up when they know they were not wanted... my mom actually told my youngest sister to her face that she didn't want another child when she got accidentally pregnant with her, I can't believe my mom could have been so cruel! Any child we have will never have to go through those feelings, my poor little sister did not deserve to be told that and its been difficult for her (I try to show her as much love as possible to make up for it).
I'm really proud of you for not judging that girl about her abortion, you are a wonderful person. I was brought up catholic (though I don't consider myself to belong to any religion now) and I know a lot of catholics with that judgemental attitude towards all kinds of stuff (including most of my dad's family) which can really make people feel bad when they are going through difficult times in their lives and need as much support as possible. And it's even harder for us not to judge people who have abortions when we are dealing with infertility!
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice about endometriosis. I may try to get a 2nd opinion if I don't get a BFP soon. The reasons I suspected I had it were:
- Extremely painful menstrual cramps (to the point I can't walk)
- During my period I often feel pain in areas other than my uterus... sometimes I get stabbing pain around my anus
- Periods that last over a week, and sometimes up to 14 days
- Extremely heavy periods... some days I have to change my pad every hour!
- Lots of spotting in my luteal phase
- Frequent bleeding after sex (though this might be due to having a very sensitive cervix because I also bleed during every pap smear I've ever had)
- Increased bleeding with certain medications... for example after I started taking prometrium I began to have spotting during my fertile phase. It would begin a couple of days after my period ended and continue until I started the prometrium (also it totally grossed out DH when we had to BD so that was no fun). The month I stopped prometrium (which was last cycle), I finished my period and then started spotting again 2 days later. Since I didn't take anything after ovulation, the spotting continued until AF showed so basically I had bleeding every single day that cycle except for 2 days!!!! That is the reason I switched to Crinone, I'm really hoping I get less bleeding with Crinone.
Deborah do these sound anything like your endometriosis symptoms?
AFM - right after I complained about my low LP temps a few days ago, they shot up... check this out: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2d1bce! Now I really don't want to get my hopes up at all... but the word "triphasic" won't get out of my head whenever I look at my chart! Oh and around 8-9 DPO I had this strange "tugging" feeling in my uterus most of the day... I refuse to get my hopes up! I have to keep repeating in my head "don't be hopeful, don't be hopeful" haha...
Last night was my work christmas party... a bunch of my coworkers commented that I looked really hot in my sexy red dress and 5-inch hells (that I couldn't walk in at all haha). It made me feel really good. When I first started TTC I refused to drink in my LP ever, but considering the number of times I've prevented myself from drinking and then got a BFN, and also considering the number of times people assumed I was pregnant because I wasn't drinking, I allowed myself 1/2 a glass of white wine, sipped very slowly over a period of 3 hours in order to avoid any rumours. I hope I don't end up regretting it! The wine relaxed me just enough so I could have a really great time!post #207 of 26712/17/11 at 12:58pm
Sourire- The first 4 symptoms definitely sound like mine. Endometriosis is interesting though in that everybody's symptoms are a little different. Here is a resource that might help shed some light:http://www.endothepain.com/. It kind of has everyone's stories. I haven't updated mine yet since I haven't announced my pregnancy to the public. I have to have one of my doctor's give me my flu shot because of my history of adverse reactions to drugs (still have itchy rashes from my Estradiol patches), so I need to see which one of them have the preservative-free shot and if none of them do I might call the hospital or urgent care and see if they can do it for me (and have the right shot). Also, it might be reassuring to you that I didn't spot at all with the crinone (not even during implantation). Cbaa- Thanks!post #208 of 26712/18/11 at 4:35am
Sourire, I'm so jealous of your 5 inch heels. haha my DH won't let me walk in those because I'm notoriously clumsy and in fact, have hurt my ankle so much that the doctors really think I should get surgery in order to fix it completely. I've put it off though because I can still walk perfectly. I just have to be really careful that i don't step on any cracks or any uneven areas or I'm likely to twist my ankle again. sigh. I'm really glad that you had a glass of wine, by the way. We all need to relax. And a glass of wine won't hurt you or the baby I'm hoping you're carrying. Women drink a lot before they know they are pregnant and their babies are fine. I have multiple friends who went on drinking binges while they were pregnant but didn't know it! So don't worry about your half a glass of wine! It's also really difficult to hide pregnancies during the holiday season because people look at you crosseyed when you don't drink! I had that issue when traveling with coworkers. I used the excuse that I really had to rehearse for my presentation after dinner and drinks would make me too tired but they still looked at me funny. Oh well, I'll be letting the cat out of the bag soon enough!
Cbaa, I hope you didn't have any awful side effects because of the prometrium this time around! These progesterone side effects are the worst. i thought that the estrogen was so easy to take but progesterone gave me all the side effects. i found prometrium unbearable when taken orally too. Anyway, I really hope that your body is more used to it so you don't suffer from the same side effects as you did last time. By the way, good for you for being such a great friend and not judging the girl. I have such mixed feelings about abortion. Personally, I could never have an abortion and that was how I felt even before all these issues with infertility. However, I do think that women should have the right to choose what is right for themselves.
Jukim, I hope your AF is late for good reason :o) 11 or 12 dpo seems early to me so I think you still have hope. If not, we will be here for you during your next cycle and hopefully, that one will be your BFP cycle!
How is everyone else doing? oh Deborah, I just got my flu shot too. Arm is a little sore but I'm happy I got it done.post #209 of 26712/18/11 at 5:45am
Sorry i've been MIA the past couple of days, the holidays are sooooo crazy around here!!! I did make it thru DH's family gathering yesterday, and we have our 1st get together with my mom's family today!!! I hope that everything goes good....or i might just run away!! I think the only thing i'm dreading is having to hear everyone making over my cousin who just found out she's pregnant. WEll, more about me later i'm about to catch up on personals LOL
Renavoo: I hope you and the little Twinkles are doing good!! I hope you get to be less busy soon too because i miss getting your words of encouragement every morning when i get to work lol. (you are 1 hour ahead of me so you usually post right before i get to work!!)
Shesaidboom: Did you decide to test this weekend or are you waiting until your BETA tomorrow? I don't have the strength to wait...i would be peeing on everything lol ha
Deborah: I'm so excited that your DH is in this so much with you!!! :) It's so sweet that he is counting up the days!!! I hope that your doctor will be able to get the preservative-free flu shot for you!
Jukim: Has AF shown up yet? Is it possible you Oed a little later than you thought?
Cbaa: I am happy your timing was good for your IUI! I really really hope you get your BFP this cycle! Will you be testing around Christmas like me? Are you going to POAS or are you going to just wait for your BETA?
Sourire: YAY for that chart!!! Also, i wouldn't worry about that 1/2 a glass of wine you had!! Your body probably enjoyed it since it relaxed you after you sipped on it!!! When are you going to be testing? I really hope that you get your BFP too!! LOL I think it would just be WONDERFUL if we ALL get our BFPs this month!! OH, and i am sooooo in love with my red ankel strap 5'' heels that i have!!! They make me 5'6'' and that makes me happy because being so short next to my 6' tall husband really sucks!! LOL.
AFM: Ok, back to me lol haha. Yes, i made it thru dh's christmas gathering like i said but i thought we were going to end up killing each other by the end of the night!!! We were both so tired and just stressed by the end of the day that I'm kinda happy that DD#1 stayed with my mom and dad last night!!! I was getting tired of us snapping at each other in front of her yesterday. I think that it was part hormonal for me though because i'm just so tired of TTC again lol. I want a baby so bad, but i've been trying again since like March, and it's December and still no baby....but i do know that i CAN get pregnant because i have had 2 really early miscarriages since we've been trying this time....so who knows. I did get the pineapple finally and i've been eating on the core the past couple of days!! My SIL thinks i'm crazy but i didn't share with her why i was eating it!!! I know that she would support me to having another baby, i'm just not so sure how the rest of my family will react to it! We will see though if i get my BFP on Christmas. I think that if i do test and get a BFP on Christmas the only person i will tell IRL is DH. I think i can keep it a secret until about 12 or 13 weeks, but my mom will probably be mad at me if i don't tell her before that. I am just lost...i mean my mom isn't COMPLETELY against the thought of us bringing another baby into the world, but some of the rest of my family think i'm stupid for wanting another baby...i just wish they would keep their opinions to themselves though because it puts doubt in DH's head each time someone says something negative about it!!!
ANYWAYS, I think i've made it to about 3 DPO right now, so we will see if i'm ready to go crazy by the middle of next week lol. I can't STAND the 2ww...it's like it drags on sooooooo long!post #210 of 26712/18/11 at 7:07am
Brichole, even if i don't write, i think about you everyday and I keep hoping that you let us know that you have a BFP! I will be hoping for it in about 10 days too :o) As for your family, they annoy me because they are making you feel like you aren't supported. Well, we're supporting you here and can't wait until you get the BFP and we can follow you through your pregnancy! I hope that the next couple of weeks don't drag too slowly because the holidays are always so busy. I am so sorry that you and DH had a tough gathering though...it is amazing that such a happy time like the holidays usually ends up causing so much stress for most people. I hope you guys made up with some fun BDing ;o)
When everyone starts oohing and aaahing over your cousin, just think that you may be announcing your little sticky bean soon :o)post #211 of 26712/18/11 at 7:47am
Renavoo: Thank you so much :) See i can always count on you and the othe ladies in the thread to lift my spirits and make me smile!!! :) Yes, we "made up" last night hehe!! I think that's the fun part of getting frustrated with each other. We didn't get finished with going thru the "galexy of lights" at our Botanical Gardens until about 845, so by the time my brother and sil dropped us back off at my car at my parents' apartment and told Jayde good night (she stayed the night with my mom and dad) it was like 920. So we just picked up some dinner on the way home and put emma to bed and had a little "picnic" dinner in the living room floor and watched a little TV. Then retreated to the bed room where DH made up for hurting my feelings earlier in the day hehe!! I know one thing, i am at least having more fun trying to make a baby this time than I got to last time!!! I really hope that we get another free baby....because paying out what i did to get Emma here was not fun! I know that i didn't end up paying what a lot of you ladies have had to pay, but it's still not fun having to dish out a couple thousand dollars just for treatments!!!
I'm really trying to stay positive this month!! I don't want to be OVER positive...but i know that if i haven't started spotting the day before or the morning of Christmas I won't be able to stop myself from testing anyways!! I will probably go ahead and test before i go to work on the 24th because i honestly don't think i can hold out until CHristmas morning...but i will be sure to make a gift for dh as special as possible if i do get a BFP reguardless. I don't think DD#1 will be too happy with me if i have another baby, but once the baby gets here i think she would be more than happy to have another brother or sister. (i am praying that we have a boy but hey, i'll take either as long as he/she is healthy!!) I'm going to be as positive as i can be with my cousin today too. She is already talking about how she wants to have an epidural done and stuff...and she's only like 5 weeks pregnant!!! I want to get to talk to her alone and let her know that yes, pain meds are good if you are in so much pain that you can't concentrate on what's going on, but it's the pain meds that caused me to have to have a c-section with DD#1, and so I'm just praying she will at least wait until the last minute posible to see if she can just bare thru it....I just don't want her to have to go thru the traumatic experiance i had to at the age of 19 with an "emergency" c-section. I didn't have to be cut down my belly or anything but the doctor came in my room at like 3:40pm to look at my contractions on the monitor and stuff and said he would be back in an hour, and in less than 30 minutes he was back in the room because my nurse ran out of the room and got him. He took one look at my stuff and said that i would need a c-section now, because my b/p was getting way too high and they were affraid that it would impact the baby. I was scared to death, and sure enough at 448pm Jayde was born!!! It was not the birth i had planned, but i guess not everything goes the way we want them to. I did end up scheduling my c-section with Emma because at 34 1/2 weeks i started having contractions that took a lot of medication and bed rest to stop...and i kept having the contractions until i was 38 weeks and nothing was happening with my cervix...so my doctor just scheduled my section for 39 weeks and i recovered much better from the scheduled setion than i did from the not planed one. He also told me that i will not be given the option to even try to have a third baby without having a c-section...so when we get pregnant with our 3rd child I will have to schedule a section and just know the day my baby will be born unless my body does try to go into labor for real on it's own before the scheduled date. If i wasn't so worried about my uterus rupturing and bleeding to death i would just ignor going to the doctor and try to have an unassisted birth at home but I would rather not take that risk. There are no mid wives allowed to practice in alabama so that choice is out too unless i go to another state to have my baby, but i don't want to have to chill and wait for contractions to start and "TRY" to make it to Tennessee or Georgia to have the baby lol. Well, i've gotten winded and really off track, so i need to get going and start doing some reports at work!! Hope everyone has a great day!! and
SHESAIDBOOM & Sourire: I'm thinking about you ladies and praying that you get BFPs tomorrow!!!!post #212 of 26712/18/11 at 8:30am
Brichole- Ditto to everything Renavoo said. Also, if my doctors don't have the preservative-free flu shot, I will see if they can order it and, if not, I'll contact hospitals and urgent care centers in the area (luckily, we have quite a few) to see if they have them. Not taking any unnecessary risks!post #213 of 26712/18/11 at 8:37ampost #214 of 26712/18/11 at 9:35ampost #215 of 26712/18/11 at 8:57pmpost #216 of 26712/19/11 at 2:33am
Jukim, Hopefully this is your cycle!
Brichole, yah to some great make up BDing. haha that is fantastic! You and your DH are a hoot...I can always count on you to spice things up ;o)
What a scary story, by the way! I think it's great that your doctor is willing to let you try to have a natural birth instead of a c section the next time...many doctors wouldn't. I would rather have a natural birth, of course, although i know i have a 50% chance of needing a c section just because that is the rate for twins. However, I don't really care because we're planning to just have these two and then I'll be done with having babies. We only wanted two babies. Why do you think DD#1 would be upset with a new baby? She seems to get along so well with Emma, from the photo! i hope you get your "free baby" too :o) COME ON STICKY BEAN!!
Deborah, I got my flu shot just a couple of days ago (11 weeks 5 days) from my Ob's office and I have to say, getting a flu shot while pregnant is quite interesting. I get a shot every year and i basically never feel anything a couple of hours after the shot. This year, I have redness and soreness in the area of the shot. And it's been 2.5 days already and it's still red and sore! i don't know if it is because my immune system is down due to the pregnancy or if it is the preservative free version! Good luck finding your shot!post #217 of 26712/19/11 at 5:31amDeborah - thanks for the link to that website. I was only able to find one story on the site though and I don't think it was yours.
Brichole - your cousin is lucky to have you to get advice from. It's really unfortunate what you had to go through with your first birth.
Jukim - awww that is so disappointing
Renavoo - thanks for the reassurance about the glass of wine. I'm basically trying to purposely do everything wrong this cycle to prove to the universe that I just don't care anymore, maybe that will get me a BFP haha.
AFM - I've come to the realization that Crinone isn't preventing me from spotting, it's just hiding the spotting. DH (my pharmacist) explained to me that Crinone contains a substance that makes it adhere to your mucous membranes so that it doesn't leak out. So I haven't seen any blood in my underwear or on the TP so far, but when I go to clean out the Crinone gunk it's all brown (it was white when it went in). And last night I did a clean out and when I woke up this morning there was blood in my underwear so I'm thinking the Crinone has been soaking up the blood and since I had no more Crinone in me last night it allowed the blood to come out. Anyways I'll be testing tomorrow morning. Im not expecting much, I think I've done a good job convincing myself not to get my hopes up.post #218 of 26712/19/11 at 6:05ampost #219 of 26712/19/11 at 7:16am
I may be getting sites confused. I thought she had everyone's stories there, but she doesn't. I'll try to find another site which will eventually be a book that I'll have my story in and will probably also help edit. That group isn't open to the public, but I'll try to find my copy and post it here.post #220 of 26712/19/11 at 7:20am
Looking forward to being able to add my happy news to the story- but here it is as I wrote it in August:
The Trials and Tribulations of Endometriosis
by D. K.
I developed early and began having periods at age 11. They were
painful right from the beginning, but got worse in high school; around
age 16. At that point, I began taking birth control which helped with
the pain from menstruation, but gave me severe migraines. There was no
such thing as low-dose birth control back then. I had to take very
heavy drugs to control the migraines, which made life quite
challenging since I was working hard in school and very active in
As I reached adulthood, things did not get any better. In fact, they
got worse. Birth control continued to help with pain from PMS and
cramping, but began giving me horrible headaches again and I had to
get off birth control pills for a year. They then came out with low-
dose birth control in several forms and that was great for several
years. However, in the fall of 2009 I began feeling like I had PMS the
entire month and complained to my then nurse practitioner. At first,
she thought the dose was too low, so I was put on a different pill and
was told to take it continuously. This did not do much and a few
months later, I was on the phone with her again telling her I was in
so much pain I could not function. I work from home and was having to
sit out half the week from writing. This was around April of 2010.
At that point, she recommended I meet with the doctor who runs the
practice since she suspected Endometriosis. He got me in almost
immediately and next thing I knew I was having Laparoscopic surgery
done. It turns out I had cysts all over my ovaries that he
suspected were there essentially since puberty started. I also had
Endometriosis. I went on Lupron shortly thereafter for 6 months. I
will never touch the stuff again. It gave me severe depression which
essentially made me lose a job because I was not performing to the
best of my abilities. I stopped the Lupron in December of 2010 and
got my period back at the end of the February. On my second cycle, my
Endo was back with a vengeance and is only getting worse.
I switched gynecologists and he is by my side as my husband and I try
to conceive. He also suggested it might help with the Endo. This road
has been fraught with challenges and emotional distress. However, we
are now seeing a reproductive endocrinologist who is working with us
to get things heading in the right direction. That does not mean that
the feelings of not being sure the pain will ever stop and not being
sure I will get pregnant are gone, but at least I feel I have some
advocates. I am sharing a poem I wrote at one of my darkest points
dealing with Endometriosis and TTC, hoping that people will know that
others have gone through much of what they have gone through and know
that those emotions are acceptable and, in a way, expected.
More Than I Can Handle
Of Disease Return
Pain Not Just in the Abdomen
But in the Cerebrum
Too Many Hormones Released
Never Enough of What I Need: Serotonin
Emotional Havoc Wreaked
A Constant Battle
Fear Latching On
Feeling That a Child Never Will
How to Explain to a Spouse
Who Can Never Understand
Despite His Own Struggles
No One to Share With
Wanting to Connect to Something Spiritual
No Idea Where to Turn
The Hurt Does Nothing But Burn
The Tears Won't Stop
Trying to Be Thankful for What I have
But Stuck in a Rut of Self-pity
Healing is Slow to Come
With Each Step Forward
Something Sets Me Back
I Know I am Surrounded By Love
But Feel Alone
- The Scars Mommy Hides
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