Why is the right thing so hard to do

[JKN22]

The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with didn't turn out to be "the one."  We never got married but separated few months ago.  We have a 18 month old daughter together.  I left for the safety of my children and myself due to his drinking, other women, emotional abuse and physical abuse in the end.  I filed to take him to court a few months ago for full custody.  He works in law enforcement and has threatened me with the fact he has a badge and a gun and can get away with things if I don't agree to do Joint custody.  I'm at a loss on why he can't do the right thing for his daughter.  he doesn't help me out financially.  I just don't get it how he can't "man up" and take care of what he and I created, this beautiful little girl.  I understand if he wants to be angry with me but don't take it out on our daughter.  I just need advice on how to coparent with him.  We will be going to court few months and with all the evidence I have of his drinking there is no chance he will get full custody.  Is it wrong of me that I haven't allowed him to see our daughter until we go to court.  I'm worried for her safety while being with him.    

[Kaitlyn811]

Absolutely not. My ex (I'm currently pregnant with his child) was a huge substance abuser, it's my fault for letting it get as bad as it did before leaving - now I have another life to think about. 

Anyway, your fears of him being out of control and unsafe are completely rational, IMO. Cross bridges when you come to them - deal with court when the time comes. In the meantime, I believe you're doing the right thing. And him using his career in law enforcement against you is just so wrong and low - stereotypical of an abuser. 

[JKN22]

Thank you so much for replying.....nice to hear others opinion/advice.  I have a great family support system behind me and I read so many forums about women and single parenting.  There are so many single parents out there. 

[Kaitlyn811]

I never remember to check other forums..there's so many here! lol. Anyway...

Yes! Single parents share a common bond, the struggles, the good times, etc. It's totally possible, but it is SO much better when you have a good support system. I'm grateful for mine. And having one is a life saver, honestly. I don't even want to think of where I would be if my family didn't help pull me out from the rubble. 

It's expensive, but find a good lawyer to get on your side asap. Him using his career in law enforcement really is just so low and just irritating to even read. 

Really, just remember to take things one day at a time. I have to remind myself constantly of that but don't trouble your mind with things that you can't control at this point. Everything will eventually work out. (:

[mamayogibear]

I can't agree any more with the take days one at a time! Things are so hard when starting to be a single parent that some days I wonder what am I doing. I really hope you have enough evidence of his drinking so you can get full custody. You are awesome for getting your child away from his intoxicaited abuse!

[tccandlsccmom]

Anger issues suck.  My ex is still breathtakingly angry at me, over a year after I left the relationship, and the litigation is expensive and awful ... take care of yourself and your daughter and document document document so you can win the coming battle.  But above all ENJOY your little one.  Don't let the bitterness of your ex poison the wonderousness of mothering!

[*MamaJen*]

I'm glad you're taking steps to protect your baby. My advice is to DOCUMENT everything. Every threat, every assault, all of it. It can paint a really compelling picture. My other advice is to get a lawyer who specialized in abuse, if you can possibly afford it.

I am all about two people acting like grownups and putting aside their differences to have a respectful coparenting relationship. But when it comes to abusers, all bets are off. You can try to take the high ground and be respectful of them, and they just use that to manipulate you more. With a guy who's truly got that abuser mindset, you need to take hard steps to protect yourself. Good luck and stay strong!