The Woes of a "Blended Family" - Page 2

[kmeyrick]

Goodness. I got some things to say.

OP, don't have any children with this guy, because you absolutely are not ready and you are right, it will complicate things.

I think 3 weeks out of the year and every other Christmas is very little time to spend with one's child. I wouldn't resent my dh at all for taking time off work to go camping and fishing or whatever with him. In fact, I might insist on setting up Skype so he could speak to his son nightly and help him with his homework. If you don't think parenting is important, then you aren't ready to be a parent yourself. Would you like it if he parented your children so little of the time? Statistically speaking, as the second wife, you are quite likely to be in the first wife's shoes down the road. Please think about how you want your own children to be supported and nurtured by your dh in the future. How he handles his son now is a good predictor of how he'll handle your children in years to come. I wouldn't be pouty or guilt trip him- I'd feel relieved and assured that he's devoted to his kid.

As for your stepson's gadget hobby- that's what you're complaining about? Really? I work with seriously disturbed children in if all I had in a stepson was having interests different from my own, I'd wonder if I had been some saint in a past life. Good lord. What a strange complaint. My happiest childhood memories are of the time I spent on a farm with a grand imagination. I don't know that it gave me more sparkles or made me more spiritually advanced than any other kid. You said so yourself, he's a good kid. Your dh does his best to be a good father to him.

I think it's time to say "Thank you, God" and move on. Or get divorced and grow up a bit to find what you want in life.

[marybethorama]

I wonder if the negative feelings about "gadgets" are about people feeling that they will be "disappointed" in their children for wanting things they don't approve of.

it's natural that a preschooler would be fascinated by a Gameboy or iPod.  Things with buttons that make noise and show colors?  heck yeah!

But it seems like some people see this as either a failure of their parenting ("I was so careful to expose my child to the "right" things and now he wants something that's "wrong") or the sign of a character flaw. ("Only kids who aren't "brought up right" would want that stuff).

It's one thing when it's another family because you can chose your friends, but when it's a relative who, even worse, is staying in your house, you have much less control.  You might not be in the position to flat out say "not allowed".

My personal opinion is that we should let go of "perfect" and adapt where we have to. Set the limits for your own kids where you need to, but don't worry about them being "corrupted" by exposure to things you don't like.

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick 

Goodness. I got some things to say.

OP, don't have any children with this guy, because you absolutely are not ready and you are right, it will complicate things.

I think 3 weeks out of the year and every other Christmas is very little time to spend with one's child. I wouldn't resent my dh at all for taking time off work to go camping and fishing or whatever with him. In fact, I might insist on setting up Skype so he could speak to his son nightly and help him with his homework. If you don't think parenting is important, then you aren't ready to be a parent yourself. Would you like it if he parented your children so little of the time? Statistically speaking, as the second wife, you are quite likely to be in the first wife's shoes down the road. Please think about how you want your own children to be supported and nurtured by your dh in the future. How he handles his son now is a good predictor of how he'll handle your children in years to come. I wouldn't be pouty or guilt trip him- I'd feel relieved and assured that he's devoted to his kid.

As for your stepson's gadget hobby- that's what you're complaining about? Really? I work with seriously disturbed children in if all I had in a stepson was having interests different from my own, I'd wonder if I had been some saint in a past life. Good lord. What a strange complaint. My happiest childhood memories are of the time I spent on a farm with a grand imagination. I don't know that it gave me more sparkles or made me more spiritually advanced than any other kid. You said so yourself, he's a good kid. Your dh does his best to be a good father to him.

I think it's time to say "Thank you, God" and move on. Or get divorced and grow up a bit to find what you want in life.

tennisstar: Since you deleted your OP, I am assuming that you may understand why your statements bothered some of us ladies. That being said, I do hope you are doing more that "sugar coating" this with your DH. He deserves to know all of your thoughts. Not having a child right now is a smart move. But if you already have these feelings toward your stepson, will they really change?

[Imakcerka]

Honestly with your feelings about the whole thing, having a step son might be the best thing that happened to you on top of finding a great husband who has already proved to be a great father.  I would be annoyed by debt who wouldn't be.  Coming from a blended family the best thing was having an awesome Step dad who treated me like I was his own and loved me unconditionally.  I think you can find a way to step outside of your comfort zone and be the best step mother this kid could ask for.  I think you just needs some cheerleading!  I first when I read your post I was sad for you and your new family.  I wouldn't want to feel that way and I think I would have a hard time changing my perspective.  I think you can do it though.  You came here looking for help and I think that means you don't want to feel this way. 

Good luck

[Storm Bride]

I saw this thread title in the main forum page, and read the thread. I'm in a blended family, but I'm not the stepmom - dh is the stepdad. I did want to address one aspect of this, though.

The concern about having an older child around who was raised with different values, expectations, etc. than you would have is valid. But, it's not really a "step" issue. I have issues with that, because my own parenting has evolved over time. There's a ten year gap between ds1 and my next child. My views haven't changed a lot, but they have shifted. One of the areas where I see things differently than I used to is tv. My ex had it on all the time, and I watched it a lot...and so did ds1, from a very early age. DH and i were completely tv-free for a few years. Now, we watch old shows and movies on Netflix, and rent movies sometimes. But, it's a very different experience than ds1 had, and he was exposed to a lot more commercial advertising on tv. He played video games (not a lot) from an earlier age than I'd like dd1 and ds2 to be playing them at). But, having him here affects our current lifestyle. Honestly - just having a much older child in the house affects the dynamic (things like dd2 getting candy at an earlier age than any of her siblings, because it's around - doesn't seem fair to say, "okay ds1, dd1 and ds2 - I know you usually get candy in your Easter basket, but that's on hold for a couple years, because you have a sister", yk?)

Anyway - that's not totally a "step" issue. Families are organic, dynamic entities, even with the same parents. People, both parents and children, grow and change over time, so the dynamics are constantly shifting. That's just...life.

[churndash]

Originally Posted by tennisstar 

"

- I understand that it's easy being an a-hole when you don't have to see the person you're typing to, but really? I'm sure you and your blended family are doing perfectly fine and an ill thought or moment of regret has never crossed your mind. I commend you!!!    

My stepfather reminded me DAILY how much happier his marriage to my mother would be if my brother and I did not exist. He told me DAILY how much money he had to waste on providing food and shelter for children who were not his flesh and blood. When my mother and stepfather divorced, my brother and I were blamed because we just made things so hard by..oh...wanting to be loved. 

So excuse me if I think you're the a-hole in this situation. That kid has done nothing to you. It's not his fault YOU have issues with his existence.

[Linda on the move]

Dear OPer,

When I read your post yesterday, I had no idea how to respond. Today I read through all the other responses, and see that you've deleted your OP.

I hope that rather than feeling attacked, you can use this as a wake up call. Your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes are highly toxic. They are harmful to:

1. your stepson (they will come across, even if you think you are hiding them)
2. your husband (who is trying to be a good man and a good father)
3. your marriage (holding something against a spouse that they cannot change is like dripping poison into your marriage)
4. and ultimately, to yourself (toxins hurt everyone exposed to them)

I understand that you didn't think through what you were getting into when you got married, and are just realizing that now. And you don't like what you got yourself into. So now you have a choice. I see the choice a little different than some people do. I see your choice as:

What sort of adult do you want to be?

The fun and excitement is over -- this is where real life starts. What are YOUR values? What do you YOU want to be remembered for? What sort of character to plan to forge this lifetime? And how does all of the relate to your husband and step son? You can choose to remain the person you are right now, or you can choose to grow. You can chose to find joy to providing a child, even one not related to you by blood, a wonderful life, or you can continue to think of your needs first. You can choose to relish in looking for your DH traits in his son, or you can continue to think that only children born of your uterus count. You can choose to accept that your DH has had some painful chapters in his life (or he wouldn't be divorced with a child he sees 3 weeks a year) and love him anyway and be committed to building a joyful life with him, or you can continue to judge him as failure for not living up to standards that you only recently realized are important to you.

My advice is to approach the problems with the same vigor you would if you were told you have cancer. The way you feel is like cancer to your marriage. You don't have to stay stuck here, though. You can grow. You can change. You have so much more goodness inside you right now that is trapped, but you can find a way to let it out. You have the capability to love -- truly, love, which involves acceptance and grace and wanting the best for EVERYONE involved, esp his son.

But if you don't want to do that, it's OK. This is your life, and you can do what you want with it. But if can't fully love and accept another person in spite of their painful past, divorce them. It's actually less painful. And if you can't come with with some actual positive desire for this boy to have everything needs and to be loved and accepted, then quit the role of step mother. Because if you can't fulfill these roles, you are harmful by staying in them.

I'm sure you have both capabilities inside you -- the strength to be a wonderful wife and step mom, or the strength to let the situation go. The only path I see as wrong is to stay stuck -- staying where you are and staying how you feel.

I really do wish you well. I don't think your situation is all that unusual. I think a lot of people marry without realizing what they are getting into or that their ideal image of life doesn't match up with the person they married. I don't feel any judgment toward you -- just that it's imperative that you take action, and I know that the action you decide to take will partially determine what sort of person you become. I know that you have a lot of potential.

Edited by Linda on the move - 12/5/11 at 6:52am

[tennisstar]

Thank everyone for the responses. When I read the first responses, I felt awful and regretted even writing on this forum. But the last few were so helpful, kind, and empathetic. I had a huge talk with my husband last night and told him exactly how I felt. It went so so good and he was so awesome about the whole thing. I've just been thinking about it so much these last few days. When I first met his little guy a couple years ago, I remember how easy it was. We got on good and I actually looked after him for a week while my husband (my boyfriend at the time) had to work. I remember thinking how neat it was that he was so cuddly right away. That was the only time I really hung out with him before we were married, but I thought it was all going to fine. I didn't have a hard time with it until we were married, and I guess it's because it became a true reality. When I hung out with him this summer, it felt awkward and I felt that tugging resentment.

The thing is, I guess I do realize how much it's all my head. I've kept building on my negative thoughts and telling myself I can't do it, that's it not traditional, that's it's not "my dream." Ridiculous, I know! A lot of you who responded had such positive and constructive things to say and I feel like I can do this and that I really can benifit from the whole situation. My life can be great with this little dude in it. It's pretty sad how accepting his little boy is of me, and yet I, the adult, is the one who is less. I guess I could learn a thing or two from him.

 All those little "problems" I wrote about, aren't really problems and I will adjust. I think I've done enough negative venting and plan on staying positive from here on in. Thanks guys!

[Imakcerka]

I hope you all the best for you and your family.  I know some of the comments were harsh and honestly that's not always bad.  I initially thought badly but the more I thought about it the more I realized that being in a situation that you're uncomforable in is very difficult.  Glad you were able to talk to your husband about it.  Good luck mama.

 

Originally Posted by tennisstar 

Thank everyone for the responses. When I read the first responses, I felt awful and regretted even writing on this forum. But the last few were so helpful, kind, and empathetic. I had a huge talk with my husband last night and told him exactly how I felt. It went so so good and he was so awesome about the whole thing. I've just been thinking about it so much these last few days. When I first met his little guy a couple years ago, I remember how easy it was. We got on good and I actually looked after him for a week while my husband (my boyfriend at the time) had to work. I remember thinking how neat it was that he was so cuddly right away. That was the only time I really hung out with him before we were married, but I thought it was all going to fine. I didn't have a hard time with it until we were married, and I guess it's because it became a true reality. When I hung out with him this summer, it felt awkward and I felt that tugging resentment.

The thing is, I guess I do realize how much it's all my head. I've kept building on my negative thoughts and telling myself I can't do it, that's it not traditional, that's it's not "my dream." Ridiculous, I know! A lot of you who responded had such positive and constructive things to say and I feel like I can do this and that I really can benifit from the whole situation. My life can be great with this little dude in it. It's pretty sad how accepting his little boy is of me, and yet I, the adult, is the one who is less. I guess I could learn a thing or two from him.

 All those little "problems" I wrote about, aren't really problems and I will adjust. I think I've done enough negative venting and plan on staying positive from here on in. Thanks guys!

[singin'intherain]

 I have my days where I say, "Did I really sign up for this? This is impossible!". I know I can't be the only one who wonders occasionally if she should have found a nice childless man! It doesn't mean I share those thoughts with my step kids, or that I don't want them and love them. I just try to revise my self talk, and move on. I think you're doing fine- you're being honest with yourself and your husband about the negative issues you have, and that can only help your marriage- if everyone looks at it in a nonjudgmental, constructive way.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by tennisstar 
I feel like I can do this and that I really can benifit from the whole situation. My life can be great with this little dude in it.....

 All those little "problems" I wrote about, aren't really problems and I will adjust. I think I've done enough negative venting and plan on staying positive from here on in.

yes, you CAN do this and you can benefit! There is a possibility that everything can be very cool. 

(You might not be able to stay positive *all* the time, but at least you can find your way back  )