When I read your post yesterday, I had no idea how to respond. Today I read through all the other responses, and see that you've deleted your OP.
I hope that rather than feeling attacked, you can use this as a wake up call. Your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes are highly toxic. They are harmful to:
- your stepson (they will come across, even if you think you are hiding them)
- your husband (who is trying to be a good man and a good father)
- your marriage (holding something against a spouse that they cannot change is like dripping poison into your marriage)
- and ultimately, to yourself (toxins hurt everyone exposed to them)
I understand that you didn't think through what you were getting into when you got married, and are just realizing that now. And you don't like what you got yourself into. So now you have a choice. I see the choice a little different than some people do. I see your choice as:
What sort of adult do you want to be?
The fun and excitement is over -- this is where real life starts. What are YOUR values? What do you YOU want to be remembered for? What sort of character to plan to forge this lifetime? And how does all of the relate to your husband and step son? You can choose to remain the person you are right now, or you can choose to grow. You can chose to find joy to providing a child, even one not related to you by blood, a wonderful life, or you can continue to think of your needs first. You can choose to relish in looking for your DH traits in his son, or you can continue to think that only children born of your uterus count. You can choose to accept that your DH has had some painful chapters in his life (or he wouldn't be divorced with a child he sees 3 weeks a year) and love him anyway and be committed to building a joyful life with him, or you can continue to judge him as failure for not living up to standards that you only recently realized are important to you.
My advice is to approach the problems with the same vigor you would if you were told you have cancer. The way you feel is like cancer to your marriage. You don't have to stay stuck here, though. You can grow. You can change. You have so much more goodness inside you right now that is trapped, but you can find a way to let it out. You have the capability to love -- truly, love, which involves acceptance and grace and wanting the best for EVERYONE involved, esp his son.
But if you don't want to do that, it's OK. This is your life, and you can do what you want with it. But if can't fully love and accept another person in spite of their painful past, divorce them. It's actually less painful. And if you can't come with with some actual positive desire for this boy to have everything needs and to be loved and accepted, then quit the role of step mother. Because if you can't fulfill these roles, you are harmful by staying in them.
I'm sure you have both capabilities inside you -- the strength to be a wonderful wife and step mom, or the strength to let the situation go. The only path I see as wrong is to stay stuck -- staying where you are and staying how you feel.
I really do wish you well. I don't think your situation is all that unusual. I think a lot of people marry without realizing what they are getting into or that their ideal image of life doesn't match up with the person they married. I don't feel any judgment toward you -- just that it's imperative that you take action, and I know that the action you decide to take will partially determine what sort of person you become. I know that you have a lot of potential.
Edited by Linda on the move - 12/5/11 at 6:52am