last name problems

[Jula]

So we are having all sorts of trouble deciding on a last name for this kid, and were hoping someone would have some brilliant suggestion to get us out of this one.

Here’s the issue:

1. I do not want it to have only my last name or only DH’s last name. So a hyphenated name seems to make logical sense.
2. Except when hyphenated, our names became uber long and unwieldly. People already have trouble with mine alone. Think along the lines of…. Chattopadhyay-Guitterez.  Do you think the kid can handle something as long as that? Are we going to be able to fit it into forms, along with a first and a second name? Seems cruel, as I know the trouble I have every time someone asks me to spell my name over the phone.
3. My option of making up a name that is a combination of both our names has been shot down by DH, because apparently it lacks both history and meaning!
4. Thought of changing all our names to some common moniker, except DH and I are in a field in which we are already established, and name recognition means something.

What on earth to do, given all this? I am close to giving up and letting this kid deal with a multi-syllabic name that uses half the letters in the alphabet.

[sjdragonfly]

You could always use one of the last names as a middle name, though you've probably already thought of that. I know in some South American countries, it's traditional for children to have two last names so they have both their father's and mother's last name, but it's not hyphenated. You could always do the two middle name thing that's really just adding in the other last name as a second middle name so you're passing on both names, but it makes some things a bit easier to have just one last name instead of a very long hyphenated one.

[eirual]

I think it's fine to hyphonate two long names. If it's reallly an issue on a specific form you could just use one of the last names solely for logistical reasons.

You could also play around with merging your two names in a creative way, change your FB name if you have one, and start using it more to get DH used to it and do a good job at letting everyone aware of the changes you've made?

[aeterna]

I'm with the PP - I'd probably use two middle names (First, Middle Last, Last) just for convenience (MUCH easier than having two official LAST names, which will cause all sorts of headaches for the kiddo).

Having been the bearer of ONE difficult last name (prior to marrying into a much easier one, thank god) - I can say with absolute certainty I'd rather deal with unweildy-but-meaningful middle names than try to shoehorn it into a 22-character, hyphenated, difficult-to-spell-and-pronounce last name.

Especially since the whole "use just one of the last names on forms for logistical reasons" means your child may very well end up handling identity issues where he has four credit reports (Baby A, Baby B, Baby A B, and Baby A-B), refusal to accept identification or payment ("I'm sorry sir, your credit card says Baby A and your license says Baby A-B"), and runaround for special requests (like, insufficient space to input characters on a background check... who fixes that?).

Just a giant headache for the kid, IMO. Of course, he can always change it later if you're set on hyphenating something complicated and he'd rather just be Baby Smith. ;)

[LindyGirl]

What about using one of your last names as a second middle name? Two middle names are common in many parts of the world.

Something like: Christopher Jackson Chattopadhyay Guitterez

That way, both of you and your family are honored, but the child isn't saddled with a particularly long and unwieldy last name?

[MovnMama]

We had this EXACT same problem, and I'm very happy with our solution. Like PP mentioned, we have First Name, Middle Last Name (Mine), Last Name (DH's). They are both complicated Northern European last names that are commonly mispronounced and misspelled, and both are 11 letters long. So hypenating (as I would have liked) would produce a 23 character last name. Which won't fit on a bubble sheet form or a debit card, FYI!

Okay, so this is really about me, because although we did the name format for DS, he goes by the last-last name. For me however, I had my maiden name and then decided that all our family should have the same last-last name because our long term goals involve a lot of international travel and I just liked the secure idea of all the same identifier. 

Anyway, I recently changed my name to First Name, Middle last name, and Last last Name (DH's). When I did so, I told every person that needed to know my last name (coworkers, boss, friends, family) that I intended to go by both names, as if they were hyphenated, because it wasn't my fault that I fell in love and partnered with someone who has a long last name, and it's not my fault for my last name either, so essentially, get over it and call me what I want to be called. People took it in stride. 

I'm also in a job where my last name is REALLY important (I teach high school, so 125+ teenagers refer to me by my last name, and teachers and staff, on a daily basis). I just laid it out, why I had two last names, I expected to be called that or a reasonable facisimile (my teacher nickname is MRS Initial-Initial, like for your sample name it would be Mrs. CG). Everyone complied quite satisfactorily. 

I see no reason why you can't name two un-hyphenated last names for your DC and just insist that they go by both. People are remarkably accomodating (FTR, I live in a really traditional sort of place and work in a traditional sort of school, and it's just fine here). 

Best of luck!

[Calycanth]

I married into a very long, hyphenated name that doesn't fit on standardized forms and that no one can pronounce. It's always been a headache for my DH and his siblings, but they're also very proud of their distinctive last name.

[RachaelsMommy]

I agree with using one last name as a middle name. He can still go by both names if he chooses, but only one would be his legal last name to keep things less complicated. I personally don't like the idea of creating a new last name, especially since you and DH would not be changing yours for professional reasons. It doesn't make sense for all 3 of you to have different names.

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by LindyGirl 

What about using one of your last names as a second middle name? Two middle names are common in many parts of the world.

Something like: Christopher Jackson Chattopadhyay Guitterez

That way, both of you and your family are honored, but the child isn't saddled with a particularly long and unwieldy last name?

This is what we've done with our two kids. The name order is alternate with #1 and #2, so ds has dh's last name as his 4th name (and uses it as his last name); dd has my name as her last name. Each has the other parent's last name as their 3rd name. For us, it was the only solution we could agree on, and we're pretty happy with it so far :)

[Peony]

We did the two last name thing. My last name is the longer one, DH's is shorter, but we saddled all the kids with longer first names because those are the only ones we could agree on. So yeah, I feel like they learn all their ABCs just writing their name. Poor 5y DD2 JUST is able to write her first name correctly after working on it all school year so far, it is only 9 letters long, no idea what took her so long.   I think at this point she is going to go by her first name only because she isn't ready to tackle two last names last. My oldest is dyslexic and I remember the first time I wrote out her name for her therapist that was starting to work with her, I will never forget the look on that woman's face. Priceless. 

Needless to say, it is pain at times. I loathe paperwork, especially on multiple kids, I feel like I just need a stamp with all their names on it. I don't regret it though, they might someday and I would be ok and pay for them to legally drop a last name if that days ever comes. We talked about doing one name as a middle but neither one of us wanted our name to be the middle. No one outside of us would know it was there, and I wanted my kids to have my last name. Well, so did DH. I refused to budge and so did he. 

[eleuthia]

My last name is long and by itself gets cut off on some forms, but it is unique and I like it. My partner's is shorter & easy to spell/pronounce, but it sounds funny with some first names. I recently found out that his father was adopted (by his stepfather) & originally had a different last name, plus he's not too close to his dad & his mom is remarried with a different last name, so I don't think anyone will freak out (except maybe in principle) if we don't use his last name. We could combine our last names into something I like, but... we're not married & not planning on getting married, and I really don't want to go through the hassle of a name change (again, as I'm divorced & had taken my ex's name), so all 3 of us would have different names. I do think we could use my partner's last name as a middle name, but it would limit nickname options. Fortunately, we've still got awhile to figure it out! 

[erigeron]

I saw this same problem coming 4 years ago when I got married, and gave up and took my husband's name. So I am no help. I grew up with my mother's last name as a middle name (she never changed her name) and hated it because I wanted a girl's middle name so I would have an alternate name. I didn't want to do that to my own kid. Everyone has different preferences though, and I don't think mine is the best way, just what made me feel comfortable. Whatever you do, people will deal with it... and no matter how simple your name is I can guarantee you someone will ask you to spell it anyway. So it really doesn't matter all that much what you do, I think.

[wanderinblues]

DP and i are still trying to work this one out. he has an unusual last name and i have a hyphenated, long and unusual last name (6 letter german name-9 letter polish name). he actually wants to hyphenate them all! i'm not sure how serious he is. i think i would be happy with giving them both names without hyphenating them. when they are older, they can decide what they want to go by.

when i was younger, i went by just my mom's last name for simplicity's sake but when i was in high school, i started using both. i'm kind of proud of my weird last name.

[philomom]

Ddc crashing to say my kids have a 14 letter hyphenated surname. It actually was not the longest surname in the elementary school.


I have a friend who gave her kids her last name as the automatic middle name and the surname is dad's.
ex... Jessica Robinson Smythe
Adelaide Robinson Smythe


I have one friend whose daughter got her surname and her son got her hubby's surname.
ex...... Janie Robinson
Andrew Smythe

If I had it to do over again.. I would be more creative and create a new surname that all four of us shared!

[Jula]

Such helpful thoughts, everyone!

Movnmama - I was intrigued by what you did with your name. It sounds like you had a cool dual approach to this: the "last last name" gets used as the last name for official purposes, but culturally, in everyday life, you had people use both names as last names? I need to think about that one, but my gut tells me that I would prefer official last name status for both. And if I did that, then it seems it wouldn't really make a difference to length whether it is hyphenated or not. 

Xanadumama - I do like the solution your family came up with. In fact, I had thought of doing exactly the same thing (so one kid would have its dad's last last name, and my name as a middle name and vice versa for the second. My mom held on to her mother's name, and I would love to pass it on to a daughter, as long and unwieldly as it is). Except we will probably stop reproducing with this one, so unless it's twins, we're back to the original problem.

Aeterna - I think I got a bit of a headache just reading your post about the bureaucratic hurdles we might have to negotiate with such a long name :) Yikes, there are actually instances when they make you chose one name "for logistical reasons"? I am dreading this, as it increasingly seems like we won't have a choice but to go with the long name, whether hyphenated or not, if we want official last name status for both. I started downloading a bunch of random forms just to check if we'll be over the letter limit, and so far, it seems like the kid will be able to successfully donate organs and tissues (in New York at least! - a DMV form), register for a debit card (at least at the Bank of America!), and apply for a visa to China. So here's hoping....!

Thanks to everyone else who talked about your experiences negotiating two last names. I fear this kiddo will only learn to spell its name when it is a teenager, never mind at age five, Peony. Mind you, I have two middle names, and I am willing to only give this kiddy one, to help deal with the cumbrous double barrel last name. But it's not going to help that its first and middle names will probably be a bit strange for most people as well, considering I have a penchant for little heard Old/ Middle English and South Asian literary names. DH is afraid I will come up with something like Isolde Arjumand ...  Chattopadhyay-Guitterez.