I rarely felt like I belonged anywhere, even as a kid. I was visiting the United States (from French Canada) at 21 when I got pregnant. I subsequently got married and settled in a small (as in <1,000) town. Three years later, I divorced (he turned out to be very less than nice). I found I don't really fit in here so much. I'm too different for most people. I do have a boyfriend, but he lives/works on a ranch about 30 minutes on a dirt road away from town. He has a daughter who is with him on weekends, but her and ds don't get along so well. Between that and the distance, we rarely spend time together. He usually has to be there in the evening and morning to feed the horses and other animals, and his truck gets horrible mileage, so there's another reason it's hard to see each other. At first I didn't really mind, especially that the kids were getting along better in the beginning, but now, two years later, it feels heavy. I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship, but since we do see each other once in a while, it's different.
I feel so lonely. This weekend, ds is with his dad. Bf has his daughter, so I'm not going there as to give them quality time together. I have not seen a human being all weekend. There aren't many hip parents around here, and most of the non-parents are (ok, I'm gonna pass a major judgement here) are raw-food zombies that are so dogmatic I can't stand it. Maybe it is just my own projection, but I feel like they judge me because I eat meat, eggs, and dairy. The rest of the town's young people are partying mainstream Americans. I guess that I could've called a couple of girlfriends who have kids, but I really didn't want to hang out with young children this weekend.
Going back to my relationship, I do love him. Very very much. However, I'm wondering if he's "the one", or if there even is a "the one". He's an awesome man, kind, smart, funny, helpful, etc etc. But he's also a bit (a lot) of a recluse. Rarely leaves the ranch except to pick up his daughter in the city (1hour+ from here) every week and do some grocery shopping. There are many reasons for that, as mentioned above. I understand, but I really wish I would see him more often. When we do see each other, I feel this pressure to have a really good time and make sure that we have sex, because if we don't, it could be 2-4 weeks before we have another chance. It sucks. I'd like to see my partner more often, and do things like just have dinner and spend some chill evening time together. I don't think that we can do anything about it though. He needs to live where he is for work, and I don't want to move in such an isolated place.
I don't want to end it with him at this moment, as he's really amazing, but I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'd love to have more kids, he doesn't. I'd like to live with my life partner, but neither of us wants to live where the other one does. I'm thinking about moving away from here to some place bigger at some point, he's stuck here because of his daughter.
It may sound silly, but I'm also longing for a play-partner in the kitchen. I love cooking. I'n an exagerated way, I eat to live, while he eats to live. I want to cook together, take turns creating delicious dishes, build upon each other's creativity. With him, I don't think I'll ever get that.
I feel like I don't fit anywhere, at least not in this tiny town. I'm spiritual, into health, organic gardening, NFL, etc, but then I curse, like to watch rowdy stuff like Jackass and South Park, and quite unconventional. I'm very social, but somehow I feel socially unadapted. I have the knack of saying inappropriate thing at the wrong time. I also have a big tendency towards anxiety so when I do say something stupid, it can make me super anxious. One of the reasons I'd move would be to have more friends and people to hang out with, maybe more a feeling of community. It won't happen for while though. I'm starting a small business here, and I want for it to be established before I move anywhere, so it could be a few years.
Wow, I really wrote a lot. I guess I have a lot on my heart and mind.