How to stay positive when DH is negative?

[rockportmama]

I don't often post here but I'm at my wit's end. I've been working a lot for the past few years on personal growth, raising my vibration, practicing gratitude, calming my anger, allowing myself to succeed in small steps. I have a good PT job now that pays fairly well. I'm even keeping up with the house more. I've made a lot of changes in who I choose to be and have a loooooong way to go on my journey.

So my current snafu is my DH. I don't know how to keep his negativity from bringing me down. It feels like every time I release one of my blocks and am motivated, getting things done, his verbal abuse slaps me down, saps all my strength, & I lose my forward momentum.

Today was a bad day. He was in a rage all morning. Told me I was braindead. Asked the kids how it felt to know that their mama doesn't care about them.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be so confident in myself that his pain and anger don't collapse my growth. But I don't know how. Short of leaving him, what can I do?

TIA,

-rockport-

[philomom]

Originally Posted by rockportmama 

Told me I was braindead. Asked the kids how it felt to know that their mama doesn't care about them.
-rockport-

That's verbal abuse and should never be tolerated. When he gets like that, pack the children up for a fun outing and leave him home alone. Later, tell him that he will not be allowed to treat you that way. And certainly not in front of the children. You want them to have a great life? They need better role models than that.

[MariaMadly]

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rockportmama 

So my current snafu is my DH. I don't know how to keep his negativity from bringing me down...... Short of leaving him, what can I do?

Why isn't leaving him on the table?

Don't stay with this man for the sake of the children. He will screw up their childhoods. If they are girls, he is teaching them every day that this is how they should be treated by the man in their life. If they are boys, he's teaching them to treat women (including you) this way.

You are headed toward nightmarish teen years -- with daughters who choose abusive boyfriends and sons who talk to you the same way your husband does.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 



 
Why isn't leaving him on the table?

Don't stay with this man for the sake of the children. He will screw up their childhoods. If they are girls, he is teaching them every day that this is how they should be treated by the man in their life. If they are boys, he's teaching them to treat women (including you) this way.

You are headed toward nightmarish teen years -- with daughters who choose abusive boyfriends and sons who talk to you the same way your husband does.

[Cyllya]

An abusive husband isn't really something you get over with positive thinking. Is this a new thing? Maybe some kind of mental illness or disorder that he can get help with? But still, even if he readily agrees to get help, you still need to protect yourself and your children in the meantime. There may not be any good options that don't involve you leaving, at least temporarily.

[Snapdragon]

Do you WANT to leave him? I think that is the first question to ask.  If you want to leave him, then that opens up a whole set of other questions as to how to do that.

If you don't want to leave him, then that opens up the questions of how much are you willing to tolerate, and can you hope to change him- or can you just build up a wall of protection for yourself against his negativity?

what do you want?  Just asking so I can better answer the original question :)

[IsaFrench]

ok, am asking the question .... I have a DH who can be very negative when he's under stress.

I don't want to leave him.

I am clear about what I don't find acceptable. but then communicating with words is not a problem in my family

He comes from a family where it's considered "normal", even "polite" to say nothing in order to get what they want.

I am very clear to him and to my children that this is NOT normal and not acceptable. there is progress, and slip ups, it's draining.

How do I start building a wall to protect myself from their negativity ? (I've already made very good progress with MIL over the last 3 years)

[IwannaBanRN]

A relationship shouldn't prove to leave you feeling shamed or draining you of self-confidence or accomplishment. This is not only verbal abuse, it's emotional abuse and not only should it not be tolerated, but since he's teaching the kids it's okay to be this way towards you and other loved ones, they shouldn't be around it at all. Why would you want to subject them to that? Why would you allow yourself to be subjected to that? It's unhealthy and is only setting you back in all of the hard work you've been doing. So, sorry that this isn't the "short of leaving him" post you'd like to hear, but you and your children would be much better off without him being emotionally abusive to you. Here's a link to an article I think would be helpful: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

[IsaFrench]

ok; I will read the article (just have 3 minutes right now ..)

my reasoning is that = if DH had a road accident and was physically impaired i wouldn't leave him because of it.

now, since we had a few stressors in our life, stuff from his childhood has come up (my analysis) to the surface and is creating unhappiness ...

I'm all for tacling stuff in the open, his family of origin is all for secrecy and emotionnally un-healthy interactions.

I don't want that to destroy my marriage and I didn't have children to raise them by myself.

running away from DH would be just running away and not sorting out stuff so that life can go forward in a better way ....

I see DH as emotionnally impaired and don't think it's any more justify-able to leave him for this reason than for a physical impairment reason ...

I'm looking for a way out of the situation without abandonning one in the partnerschip.

[IwannaBanRN]

Then the answer is simple. Get him into therapy. Though, if he truly IS emotionally abusive, then this will only harm you more and arm him with better ways to do what he's doing to you.

[Snapdragon]

IsaFrench- That totally makes sense- it sounds like you Love your DH and don't want to leave him.

So as far as you know, how much is he able to admit his faults and want to work on them?

Edited by Snapdragon - 12/8/11 at 6:05pm

[Linda on the move]

I think there is a massive different between being negative and being abusive.

One thing that really helped me with my DH's negativity was to realize that it was his problem, not mine. It's my job to find my happiness, to find my center. It's not his job -- he doesn't owe me that. At the same time, if he was stomping around being unpleasant because he had a bad day at work, that's really his problem, not mine. I don't need to figure out how to fix it or cheer him up or any of that.

It was an adjustment period for both of us -- moving from being co-dependent to being functional adults was bumpy -- but worth it. Eventual, he got used to me not jumping into his negativity with him and he figured out how to work out some stuff on his own or speak about things with maturity rather than just acting out like a 2 year old.

For abuse -- I still vote get the heck away.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by IsaFrench 

I see DH as emotionnally impaired and don't think it's any more justify-able to leave him for this reason than for a physical impairment reason ...

I'm looking for a way out of the situation without abandonning one in the partnerschip.

I think there is a big difference.  Frankly, I would WANT my husband to leave with the kids if I were subjecting everyone to abuse.  I don't think you can compare physical issues with emotional ones.  With physical issues, there will be limitations, stress, and worry, but self-esteem would not inherently suffer.  With emotional abuse, "everyone" becomes sick.

I would recommend counseling.  If he won't go, go alone.

[IsaFrench]

the difficulty with emotional issues is .... there's nothing that you can see/touch/that is constant

- it's fleeting, not constant, and seemingly random occuring

- it's words that are said and forgotten (i cannot record our every day life for waiting for the times when these issues will strike again ...)

- it's poor or non communication, assumptions and thought process that are deficient in basic common sense, basic respect, basic polite tenants etc .... which are then acted upon and create alienating situations

so line between negativity and emotional abuse is difficult to draw

what concerns me is the repetitivity of some scenarios which I think are "sick"

Mizelnius, I think that in physical abuse everyone suffers too (as I see it, when there is physical abuse .... the emotional abuse is in-built, not only on the person being hit but also on all the witnesses)

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by IsaFrench 

the difficulty with emotional issues is .... there's nothing that you can see/touch/that is constant

- it's fleeting, not constant, and seemingly random occuring

- it's words that are said and forgotten (i cannot record our every day life for waiting for the times when these issues will strike again ...)

- it's poor or non communication, assumptions and thought process that are deficient in basic common sense, basic respect, basic polite tenants etc .... which are then acted upon and create alienating situations

so line between negativity and emotional abuse is difficult to draw

what concerns me is the repetitivity of some scenarios which I think are "sick"

Mizelnius, I think that in physical abuse everyone suffers too (as I see it, when there is physical abuse .... the emotional abuse is in-built, not only on the person being hit but also on all the witnesses)

Mizelnius meant PHYSICALLY sick, not physically abusive. You were saying what's going on is no different than a physical ailment.

 

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

Mizelnius meant PHYSICALLY sick, not physically abusive. You were saying what's going on is no different than a physical ailment.

 

Yes, that is exactly what I mean!  I apologize that I was not clear.  Thank you!
 

I also wanted to add that in statistics for child abuse/neglect, would you believe that the lowest documented form of abuse is EMOTIONAL abuse?  As you said, IsaFrench, emotional abuse is built into physical abuse.  To me, this is a sign that even the "professionals" have a hard time quantifying/qualifying emotional abuse. I would guess that it is actually the most common form of abuse.

The litmus test, I think, is you.  If you think you are being emotionally abused and it's somewhat isolated (meaning, you don't think the whole world is abusing you), then you are probably right.  You don't have to think," well, it only happens when ___," or "it's not so bad."  If you find yourself rationalizing words and behavior, then take that as a sign that there is "something" to rationalize. 

Ultimately, remember that emotional abuse is not your fault.  It's not you, and it's not something you can fix.