I want more than anything to have a wonderful, blissful, vaginal delivery, but I don't think it can happen. I had a c-section almost a year ago for failure to descend. Here is my story in a nutshell.
I was 41 1/7 weeks pregnant, and for reasons I won't get into right now, my midwife and I thought it was best to induce labor. I went to the hospital, found that I was having contractions about 6 minutes apart. I had been having some bloody show, was losing chunks of my mucus plug, having a decent amount of braxton hicks, nesting like crazy, couldn't sleep - it looked like I was going to go into labor shortly anyway. At any rate, cervix was about 1 cm, 80% effaced. We were going to try to do a half dose of cytotec to soften things up, see how it worked. Well about 4 hours later when the effects of the cytotec should have worn off, I started to have some real contractions. They were painful and seemed to be productive and about after 1 hour of painful contractions, my water spontaneously broke. To cut to the chase, the labor was fast, hard, and I wasn't getting any breaks between contractions. I had a few doses of fentanyl to take the edge off, but I was still getting out of bed, walking, going to the bathroom, sitting on the birthing ball, eating a bit, drinking, etc. Basically doing the things you are "supposed" to do during labor.
I started feeling the urge to push when I was around 8 cms, and had to try so hard to stop myself from pushing! Labor kept progressing quickly and then I just HAD to push. I had a persistant anterior cervical lip which my midwife pushed back and then I was "allowed" to start pushing (as if I could have stopped my self, haha!) Anyway, I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. I was squatting on the bar, pushing on my sides, on all fours, standing, sitting, on my back doing this backwards somersault type thing- everything you could think of. And I just couldn't get him out... After over 2.5 hours of pushing I was completely exhausted. I have heard stories about women who pushed for 4+ hours and I have no idea how they did that. There was no more I could give and the baby just hadn't budged in the entire time. So I got an epidural and a c-section... My baby was 9 lbs 11 oz and had a head size in the 90-95 percentile. Everybody was very supportive. My L/D nurse and midwife both agreed that there was nothing else that I could have done to get him out. My midwife said that in her 25 years of practice I was in her top 10 list for most effective pushers. I feel like such a failure. Why wouldn't he come out? What is wrong with me that I can't birth a baby?
I know I didn't do EVERYTHING right. Yes, I was induced. But it was only half the normal dose of cytotec, it wore off, and then my labor started, membranes ruptured spontaneously, he wasn't posterior, and I stayed mobile the whole time and pushed HARD and effectively in every position imaginable, I was with a midwife and very supportive natural labor and delivery nurse... And I just couldn't get him out. Was this a case of true CPD? I am 5 foot 6 and very thin with narrow hips and he was very big (and no, I wasn't diabetic and only gained 30 lbs). I want so badly to have a VBAC next time, but I don't know what is going to change from the last labor to my next one. I know that if you get to the pushing stage and can't get the baby out, the odds of a successful VBAC are very, very low. And if you have big babies the odds of VBAC go lower. And if you go post-dates, the odds are even lower.
I am just so sad. I feel like my body failed me. From the dawn of mankind, all of my mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, etc. had been able to vaginally birth a live baby, except for me. And based on my history it doesn't look like it can happen. This was no classical case of cascade of interventions that led me to being flat on my back, with an epidural, stuck to a bed, not having any urge to push, and being pumped full of drugs that distressed my baby. I should have been able to get him out, but I couldn't... Any thoughts or encouraging stories?