Feel like a bad mom « Back to Group Discussions

[SoonToBe]

So I had posted about Elliott being all thrashy at night and it driving me nuts.  Well, I'm now 100% sure it's when he has gas.  He will thrash around and then toot and then he's still.  Anyway, Thursday we had the worst night ever and he just could not get all the gas out.  Friday and Saturday were the best nights he's ever had.  He slept from like 9-4 without waking and then ate at 4 and 6:30 and got up at 8am.  So then last night...oh sigh...

He was up at 2 which was okay, but then at 4 he never stopped moving.  I should have just gotten up, but I kept thinking he would settle.  He never actually wakes up.  His eyes are closed and he doesn't make a peep, but he slaps me, punches me, head butts me, kicks me, pulls my lip, scratches me, you name it.  Any body part that can move does move.  I've tried swaddling and sticking him in the cosleeper, but he is so thrashy it doesn't matter. 

So at 6:30 this morning after being so frustrated, I had had it.  Even though I was telling myself I knew it wasn't his fault and he must just be uncomfortable, I was so aggravated that I was being irrationally mad at him like he was somehow hitting me on purpose.  I almost wish he had been crying.  At least then I would have had more sympathy and it would have been easier for me to just get up and give up.  Instead, it was fall asleep for 2 minutes only to be woken up over and over.  It was a form of torture. 

So then I was upset with myself for being mad at this little baby.  Okay, I wasn't actually mad, but I certainly wasn't being completely rational either.  I was losing patience and before I kicked him out of bed, I brought him to DH's bed (in another room) figuring the alarm was going off in a few minutes anyway.  Elliott was still asleep.  I just plopped him on the bed and went back to my room.  I needed a minute to gather my sense because I felt like a dork for being aggravated with him.  Well, I ended up falling asleep.  Then the dog woke me up.  Then I fell asleep again.  Then I got up to check on the baby.  Well, apparently he had been crying/fussing the whole time I left him.  He has never cried for more than 2 consecutive minutes...for real.  DH thought he had been crying all night and I just needed a break so he didn't wake me.  I did not want Elliott to cry.  It is literally the ONLY time I have not cared for him.  I have done all but 3 diapers.  I don't give him to DH so I can nap.  I do it all (by choice) and the one time I give him to DH for what I thought would just be a minute, he cried. 

I feel like I let him down.  DH said he didn't cry hard with tears or anything, but it was more of fussing/whining and lots of grunting.  He said he farted several times and then stopped.

Sigh.

I have to figure out what is causing his gas.

I feel bad he cried since it was longer than ever even though from the time I plopped him on DH's bed until I checked on him was less than an hour and he didn't fuss the whole time. 

I feel like an idiot for being irrational in the wee morning hours thinking he was smacking me on purpose.  Even at the moment I knew he wasn't, but I was getting so frustrated.

I feel like a bad mommy.  My baby cried. :(  I know babies cry, but Elliott doesn't.  He occasionally cries in the car and he has cried twice when he was hurt, but a boob fixed that.  Once I pinched his skin when I was buckling him in the seat.  Another time he slammed his lip on my collar bone when he sneezed. 

I also feel bad because DH said he opened my door to bring him in and Elliott was crying, but I didn't move.  How could I not hear him?  Later he said that when he opened the door, Elliott stopped, but still.  I actually thought I heard him once and looked up, but the door was shut.

Ugh.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I just feel like I let Elliott down and I'm disappointed in myself for not having more patience this morning.

Okay, little man, I promise to try not to get so aggravated again.  I will also try to figure out what the heck keeps giving you gas.

Thanks ladies. 

[cat13]

You didn't let him down, you are just doing the best you can. Mamas need rest to be good mamas!  And it's not like you just left him alone in an empty room to cry, he was next to his loving father.

Of course, no matter how rational you can be, I know what you mean when you have mommy guilt. I think it's just part of the job!

[copper.kettle]

Bree, you have got to go easier on yourself or motherhood is going to kick your ass.  Babies fuss.  They cry.  Mom's need sleep.  Mom's get aggravated.  Mom's lose their cool.  It's all part of the whole thing.  You'll get pissed at him again one day, I promise.  This is not a huge deal!  You just say to yourself  "So, that wasn't my best moment.  I needed some rest and I got it, so now I can be more patient.  Baby wasn't thrilled but was with his father.  Ok, time to move on..."

Don't beat yourself up!!

[Beckily]

What they said.

Plus, babies get gassy. They have a liquid diet which they intake laying down. There's no way to do that without swallowing gas. If he's not crying about it, it doesn't bother him. It's okay and normal and healthy and he's fine.  You do need to get sleep, though, so you might need to do slightly different sleeping arrangements. Just scoot him a bit away from you, maybe. Sometimes I put Charlie in the middle of the bed and lay on my side facing him, but I'm hugging my body pillow between us.. He still touches me with his hands, I have a hand on his belly and hips, but he can't kick me. Totally comfy, we sleep great that way.

Sleep deprivation IS a form of torture. You have to sleep or you cannot function. You seem like a great mother. He also has a father, though, who gets to be a parent, too.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by copper.kettle 

Bree, you have got to go easier on yourself or motherhood is going to kick your ass.  Babies fuss.  They cry.  Mom's need sleep.  Mom's get aggravated.  Mom's lose their cool.  It's all part of the whole thing.  You'll get pissed at him again one day, I promise.  This is not a huge deal!  You just say to yourself  "So, that wasn't my best moment.  I needed some rest and I got it, so now I can be more patient.  Baby wasn't thrilled but was with his father.  Ok, time to move on..."

Don't beat yourself up!!

Especially when you get to toddlerhood!  The other night I lost my cool with DD and screamed louder than ever at her and said things I instantly regretted -- and you know what?  I cried over it.  I told DH I feel horrible, that I'm not cut out for this, that this age is getting the best of me.  And you know what he said??  Tomorrow is another day.

It is so so easy to get frustrated and annoyed and mad and just UGH at them, even though you love them so incredibly much it hurts.  It doesn't make you a bad mama by any means!  But I'm glad you got your feelings out.  

[kylaskye]

You're not a bad mom!

Everything every one of the other ladies has already said is 100% true. 

It might be your diet causing him to be gassy, or it could be the position you're feeding him in. Or he could just be a gassy baby.

I'm not big on medicines, but we have an anti-gas medicine that we use occasionally and it does work. Gripe water might help, too. Keep trying things until you figure out what works for you guys. 

[SoonToBe]

Thanks ladies.

I know it's normal to lose patience, but I just felt stupid for being so irrational.  Like this little four month old was torturing me on purpose. :)

Becky, I have pushed him to the middle of the bed.  The little stinker immediately wiggles right back.  I mean immediately.  He LOVES to be touching me.  It's actually incredibly sweet, but I was not all warm and fuzzy with it this morning.  He has a great dad, but he works so by choice, he sleeps in another room.  I am much more tolerant of less sleep.  He has a horrible day if he hasn't slept well and he works all day and needs to be functioning.  He has offered many times to take Elliott for a night and just bring him to me when he needs to eat, but I know I wouldn't sleep well that way always wondering when he would be coming in.  That's just me. 

The gas does make him uncomfortable.  When he's just wriggling around, he doesn't seem to be in much pain, but he will often fuss/whine in the evening and needs a lot of attention and help to get the bubbles out.  Then he farts and is all happy again.  You can hear the bubbles in his belly.  It could very well just be normal and I only see it as abnormal because it's the only thing that makes him unhappy. 

I really appreciate you guys reading my novels (I can't make things quick and to the point). :) 

I know babies cry and Elliott is fine and he was with his daddy so it's not like he was all alone.  I think I really am just upset with myself for losing my patience when it wasn't his fault or anything.  He just couldn't get comfortable because of his gas.  I knew that and I still got frustrated with him instead of my first thought being that I felt sorry for him.  I wasn't even that tired.  In fact, I had slept well before that which is new.  He woke at 2 to eat, but I fell right back to sleep which is unusual.

Thanks ladies.  I'll shut up now before this is more of a novel. 

Oh, I do have an appt with a new doc on Wed and I will ask him about the gas and stuff.  Elliott seems to have belly trouble, but I have nothing to compare it to except to what he did before.  His poops are HUGE and they are mucousy and sometimes green lately.  The huge poop thing isn't new, but the consistency is.  They used to have some seediness to them and now they are just wet and runny.  The smelled bad for a couple days,  but now they smell sweet and normal again.  I gave up dairy and eggs for over 2 weeks and just yesterday added dairy back in.  I'll have to see if the gas gets worse.  The other thing it could be is yeast.  I still am fighting thrush and he developed a yeast rash 4 days ago so I know it's effected him even though he has no spots in his mouth.  I read that thrush can cause gas in babies and that very well could be it.

Okay, really shutting up now. :)

[Tamera]

Do you know some techniques to help him get the gas out? I'm nursing and typing on my phone but I will post some.links when I get s chance to use the laptop.

[Baby_Cakes]

Bree, don't shut up!  This is how we all learn!!  If I didn't have you girls to hash things out with and get more perspectives I'd go mad.  

I'm thinking since you just added dairy back in, that could be the culprit.  How much did you do?  Did you go crazy or just like, milk in your coffee?

I often feel like my kids are torturing me on purpose.  They aren't?  

[cat13]

When River and I had thrush, his gas was really bad. That could definitely be the problem. Are you doing infant probiotics?

And as for the sleeping arrangements, I'll throw in my 2 cents and say that it's the life of a parent to get less sleep and your DH might need to accept that. I work 32 hours a week and am going back to 40 soon (boo!) and I get broken sleep all night long.  It sounds like your DH has offered to keep Elliott in bed with him, but that doesn't have to mean it's all night long. Can you just do that a few times a week for a couple of hours? The other night I was at my wit's end with sleeplessness and after a 3am wake up and nursing, I left DS and DH in bed and slept on the couch for a while. DH woke me up a few hours later because DS needed me again, but it was a blissful, uninterrupted couple of hours! 

Oops, I just re-read and realized I sound super judgy. I don't mean to at all, so please take it with a grain of salt!

[Beckily]

Charlie scoots back, too - that's what the pillow's for. Never for all night, but for parts of the night :)

Pretty wonderful to be so wanted!

You could do some belly massage before bed maybe, to help pass the gas. I think you'd enjoy it!

But mostly.. you're doing great. i'd say more but he's on my right arm, tired :P

[SoonToBe]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

Bree, don't shut up!  This is how we all learn!!  If I didn't have you girls to hash things out with and get more perspectives I'd go mad.  

I'm thinking since you just added dairy back in, that could be the culprit.  How much did you do?  Did you go crazy or just like, milk in your coffee?

I often feel like my kids are torturing me on purpose.  They aren't?  

Thanks Carrie.  I often vent and then see how long my post was and feel bad.  Oops. :)

At my mom and baby group a woman said she felt a similar way the other day when her son bit her hard and she thought he did it on purpose, but knew he really didn't.  I just feel stupid for thinking it at all since I know it's not true...one, he's a baby, and two, he's the most considerate little baby. :)

It could be the dairy, but he was gassy yesterday before I ate any, though not as bad as last night for sure.  I had some cheese and then some butter and sour cream on a baked potato.  I'll keep an eye on it and see.  If I have to give it up, I will.  It's just been hard doing no eggs, no dairy, and no sugar (for the yeast thing).  I feel like all I can eat is chicken, veggies, and nuts.  I try not to go crazy on fruit even though I love it. 

Thanks again for your support...always.
 

[SoonToBe]

Originally Posted by cat13 

When River and I had thrush, his gas was really bad. That could definitely be the problem. Are you doing infant probiotics?

And as for the sleeping arrangements, I'll throw in my 2 cents and say that it's the life of a parent to get less sleep and your DH might need to accept that. I work 32 hours a week and am going back to 40 soon (boo!) and I get broken sleep all night long.  It sounds like your DH has offered to keep Elliott in bed with him, but that doesn't have to mean it's all night long. Can you just do that a few times a week for a couple of hours? The other night I was at my wit's end with sleeplessness and after a 3am wake up and nursing, I left DS and DH in bed and slept on the couch for a while. DH woke me up a few hours later because DS needed me again, but it was a blissful, uninterrupted couple of hours! 

Oops, I just re-read and realized I sound super judgy. I don't mean to at all, so please take it with a grain of salt!

You don't sound judgy.  No offense taken.  DH would take him all night every night if he thought it would make my life easier.  I honestly prefer to take care of him and feel like I'm better equipped since I have the boobs and I can sleep during the day.  Elliott is normally a very good sleeper and consistently sleeps 10-12 hrs a night.  The problem before was I had insomnia.  He would be passed out and I'd be laying awake for no good reason.  It's only recently that I've not been spending 3 hrs a night laying in bed awake.  I slept well last night until 4am and then I wasn't even all that tired...it was the aggravation.  Had it been the middle of the day after 9 hrs of sleep, it still would have been annoying.  LOL

I am hoping it's the thrush and it will go away when that is resolved.  It had been better, but then I had sugar over the Thanksgiving holiday and it flared up.  I am giving him probiotics, though I did forget yesterday.  Hmm...

[SoonToBe]

Originally Posted by Beckily 

Charlie scoots back, too - that's what the pillow's for. Never for all night, but for parts of the night :)

Pretty wonderful to be so wanted!

You could do some belly massage before bed maybe, to help pass the gas. I think you'd enjoy it!

But mostly.. you're doing great. i'd say more but he's on my right arm, tired :P

I will try the massage thing.  Do I use an oil or anything or just rub him?

[Tamera]

Have you tried laying him down on his back and alternating between bicycling his legs and gently bringing his knees to his belly? I have to do that with Augustus sometimes when he's gassy. He will let out a ton of gas, give me a relieved smile, then settle down and nurse. You can Google some videos for baby bends.

[HawaiianBlesing]

Bree, it's human nature to get frustrated sometimes.  Rafe will "wake up" in the middle of the night thrashing around so I change his diaper and potty him.  He cries and wiggles and squirms around and sometimes will buck out of his diaper over and over.  It's like he's awake because he's crying and moving all over the place.  Let me tell you that it's the last thing I want to deal with in the middle of the night when I've been waking up every 1 1/2-2 hours.  I know he's teething and growing right now (logically)  but it still frustrates the crap out of me and I just want to tell him to stop it.  We are human.  We love our babies more than anything but they still can frustrate us--it's going to happen whether we want it to or not.

Rafe has newly green/watery poops too.  We went to the pedi today for a WBV and I asked him about it.  He said it's just bile and completely normal in breast fed babies.  I thought it was just because he was teething and has a bunch of extra saliva--that's what I read anyway.

Also wanted to point out that Becky posted a good article about babies crying...they sometimes do it to just let off a little steam so even though Elliot doesn't cry on a regular basis, he may just need to "vent" every once in a while. 

[Beckily]

Originally Posted by SoonToBe 

I will try the massage thing.  Do I use an oil or anything or just rub him?

Oil is nice - olive oil or coconut are good. Something you can eat! Just do slow clockwise circles. Not crazy slow, but nothing fast on a belly. Pressure is gentle but enough to actually be doing something - you can test things on your arm. And do the things that Tamera said! Those are excellent :) They have books and classes. I never charge when I teach it, but I think it's not too expensive. There are lots of videos on Youtube :)

[egmaranian]

I'm typing on my phone so this'll be short and sweet.

Wait until he's a toddler. Then you'll feel like you were the mom of the century when he was an infant. There's nothing like a 2yo to make a great mom feel like a failure.

You're doing great. Give yourself some credit AND a big break! Hugs!


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[Baby_Cakes]

I think too that you're experiencing some new emotions and they upset you. It's ok to feel what you felt. It's ok that you got sleep. It's even ok that you were so zonked you didnt hear your dh bring E in. I think you can cut yourself some slack, and realize none of those things mean you love E any less.

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[Lynann]

I'd like to just echo what has already been said, you are a wonderful & very attentive mom. Go easy on yourself, and don't let the mommy guilt in.

On the gassy issue the one thing that Seth has reacted to was sauerkraut. A couple of weeks ago we took a short trip to the Keys while my parents were here. We stopped for lunch at a really nice place and I had a Grouper Reuben. For the next day and a bit Seth was just a gas machine. He was farting almost constantly. The only thing I hadn't eaten before with him was the sauerkraut in the Reuben. Needless to say I won't be eating that again until I'm no longer nursing Seth. Sometimes its not the things you'd expect that cause the gas.

Hope you do find a way to deal with the gas or stop it from building up to begin with.

Meanwhile be gentle with yourself, and remember it won't damage E for him to spend a few hours with his Daddy some nights.