Having a rough night... - Page 2

[PixieAlly]

This makes me feel better about going to the next meeting and possibly volunteering for photographer, thanks :) We do get the planner every day, but the ex often removes all the flyers and newsletters or she takes them and then puts them in the planner days or weeks later so half the stuff has already passed :/ We're still waiting for info about the 6yo being "star student" this week and it's Wednesday (supposedly parents  can come in for lunch or snack or something like that when a kid is "star student" We know the ex went on Monday, but when is dad supposed to go?). I should check the site and see if there are email addresses for teachers or if he knows if there is.

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

My XH actually doesn't have visitation with the kids, but the school gives the kids planners which they write homework into, so whomever the kid goes home with would know what they are to accomplish that night/week. DH or I signs it every day, if XH had the kids every other weekend, I imagine he might pick them up from school on Friday & he'd see their planners then? 

My kids school has a website and on it, each of the teachers has an email contact. Your DH could email the kids teachers and request a conference with them at any time... maybe if there isn't a website/email isn't listed it's information he could get by calling the office.

It seems like teachers get a lot of experience dealing with all kinds of families, and are happy to communicate with familiar faces... I've seen a teacher come out to a child's home daycare provider and inform them if the kid has had a particularly bad day... I've had a little talk once or twice with one of my daycare kids teachers (eg: I couldn't find her after school one day & she'd been having trouble making friends that year... the teacher gave me the heads-up that she'd been playing with a certain kid that day so take it easy on her if that's who I find her with & maybe stick around on the playground if I can, because she's establishing a much-needed friendship) There are a few grandmas that volunteer at the school, especially when they're the daycare provider for a working mom. Teachers like to see that their students have a strong support system, and encourage involvement, I'm pretty sure you'd be welcomed into the community, especially since your own kid will be there next year.

[aricha]

Originally Posted by PixieAlly 

 I should check the site and see if there are email addresses for teachers or if he knows if there is.

We have DEFINITELY found it much easier to go directly to the teacher or school staff about issues. We always frame things very positively ("can you email a copy directly to me so Mom doesn't have to worry about passing it on?") and talk about how we are working to support my step-daughter ("She's going to be with us for Winter Break, is there anything in particular we should focus on while she is with us?"). There are also loads of ways we get the information without any special accommodations, like the school or activity website. I cannot *imagine* a teacher getting upset about your husband and you asking for a run-down on homework expectations so you can make sure you are supporting what the teacher is expecting. I would have the first conversation with both of you, or have your husband email and cc: you. If the teacher responds only to him (if she doesn't feel comfortable communicating with someone who isn't technically a parent), he can just forward to you any response. 

There isn't a reason not to attend school events or other events, but there is also a certain level of respect for the kids and how they feel having everyone there. For a long time we set things up so that my step-daughter's mom and I never attended things together (we took her to swim lessons one day a week and mom took her the other day, or we each chose our own activity). We didn't do it because we were trying to coddle mom, we were doing it to protect my step-daughter because we knew mom couldn't be cordial to me, even in public, and it would be really hard on my step-daughter... so I made the sacrifice until we were able to get to a place that we could both attend the same events. It's not a perfect system, and there are times that have been really hard for me to feel excluded from because mom can't be a grown-up about it, but when I keep my step-daughter as my primary concern it is easier to decide what to do, and I can feel good about myself and my decision. AND if there is something my step-daughter REALLY wants me to go to, my husband tells his ex, "FYI, [Daughter] really wants [step-mom] to attend this, she specifically asked her to please come and we want to honor that." She knows ahead of time when my husband or I will be volunteering at school so she can avoid those times/events if she wants to... and we make sure there are plenty of opportunities for her to volunteer on her own, too. Again, it's not because we are trying to avoid causing HER discomfort, it's because we know that if we take her by surprise she won't handle it well and that will be hard for my step-daughter.

It absolutely takes a certain amount of self-confidence on my part. I *know* that I have a special place in my step-daughter's life and that, just as no one can replace her mom or her dad, no one can replace me either. (I have parents and step-parents to whom I am very close, and that probably helps me maintain that perspective.) I'm very secure in my place in my husband's heart, and it doesn't really matter how anyone else treats me in relation to that because *I* know where things stand. AND... we've been together for 9 years and have weathered many, many storms together... I definitely didn't start out this secure and confident... it was a journey to get here, but one that was well worth the work. 

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by csekywithlove 

Sometimes it's not about sucking it up and dealing with it. When plans are changed by the BM it is most likely from my experience and what I have seen from other co-parenting relations, all about control. The BM still wants to be in control and needs to micro manage every aspect she can. Simple as that.

Actually... it works both ways. I see just as many Dads do the same. So I don't think it's right to paint it all as Moms always wanting/needing to be in control. It's the nature of the beast that is a contested divorce/custody situation. Rarely is one parent the sole problem.

Is it "fair" to OP that she had plans that were ruined? Of course not. But... it still isn't about her. Or Mom. Or Dad. It IS about a kid who, quite understandably, craves attention from a parent who is not part of his daily life. I'm a CP. There have been countless times when I've had to shelve plans because Dad had something he suddenly decided he wanted to do with teh kids. Yes... it is annoying, frustrating, and makes you want to tear your hair out. But the kid doesn't care whose "time" it is.

[PixieAlly]

Originally Posted by mtiger 


 It IS about a kid who, quite understandably, craves attention from a parent who is not part of his daily life.

Actually, she is the only parent who DOES see the kids daily. We are the ones that don't and he had just seen her less than an hour before the karate class. MY BF fought for a different schedule but here in this county, the mother is always favored. I know he's not a perfect saint, but she really is just all about the control and not that interested in what is best for the kids, especially if it interferes with her life. For example, she bitched at us for wanting to keep the kids until 10pm on Christmas Eve (that is how it is written in the divorce decree) because she says that will disrupt their schedule and be detrimental to their health and well-being, staying up that late because their bedtime is 8pm. Meanwhile, she requested to drop the kids off at 9pm on New Year's Eve...so how is that not also detrimental to their well-being even though it is an hour after their bedtime??? Because 10pm on Christmas Eve does not work for HER, but 9pm on New Year's eve does. It has nothing to do with the kids. She also leaves them home alone when she has things she needs to do and doesn't want to be bothered with taking them with her. The kids are 8 and 6. Unfortunately there is no law against that here in Wisconsin.

Anyway, I meant to come back here and thank you all because we had another control situation come up on Friday and thanks to everyone's advice here, I think we handled it very well. Basically, she wanted to force my BF to drop some books off at her house that the 8yo forgot (library books, not school books) at the last minute when we had plans. She laid the guilt trip on letting him know how sad and upset the 8yo is. He had asked her to pick up the books at his work because she literally drives right past his building on the way home and one of the kids can run in a get stuff from him, the whole process taking about 60 seconds. She said no. But, instead of just saying, fine, I'll drop the books off, he sent a text to the 8yo explaining that he was sorry but he had plans and could not do it, but she would be able to read the books on Saturday and Sunday when she is with us. When she got to our house on Saturday he also had a talk with her about being responsible for her things and making sure everything she  wanted at mom's house was in her bag. Meanwhile, the ex sends a text that says, "All humans make mistakes and I would never make someone waste their time and gas for a mistake I made". I knew this arguing to go on all night so we discussed it and he sent her a text back citing a date where she did exactly that (they both keep all their texts so I am sure she looked it up after he said it) and made him leave a family bbq to pick up the kids' shoes she forgot to pack in their bag. Then he said he had nothing further to say about the topic and to "have a good evening."  To my shock, she wrote back, "We will. You too!  :)  "

Although, to be honest, we're still kinda waiting for the backlash to occur... but I think it was worth it for her to see that she cannot control her ex-husband anymore and I KNOW from observation it is good for him to know he can stand up for himself and say no to her without  being a bad father.

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by PixieAlly 

Actually, she is the only parent who DOES see the kids daily. We are the ones that don't and he had just seen her less than an hour before the karate class. MY BF fought for a different schedule but here in this county, the mother is always favored. I know he's not a perfect saint, but she really is just all about the control and not that interested in what is best for the kids, especially if it interferes with her life. For example, she bitched at us for wanting to keep the kids until 10pm on Christmas Eve (that is how it is written in the divorce decree) because she says that will disrupt their schedule and be detrimental to their health and well-being, staying up that late because their bedtime is 8pm. Meanwhile, she requested to drop the kids off at 9pm on New Year's Eve...so how is that not also detrimental to their well-being even though it is an hour after their bedtime??? Because 10pm on Christmas Eve does not work for HER, but 9pm on New Year's eve does. It has nothing to do with the kids. She also leaves them home alone when she has things she needs to do and doesn't want to be bothered with taking them with her. The kids are 8 and 6. Unfortunately there is no law against that here in Wisconsin.

Anyway, I meant to come back here and thank you all because we had another control situation come up on Friday and thanks to everyone's advice here, I think we handled it very well. Basically, she wanted to force my BF to drop some books off at her house that the 8yo forgot (library books, not school books) at the last minute when we had plans. She laid the guilt trip on letting him know how sad and upset the 8yo is. He had asked her to pick up the books at his work because she literally drives right past his building on the way home and one of the kids can run in a get stuff from him, the whole process taking about 60 seconds. She said no. But, instead of just saying, fine, I'll drop the books off, he sent a text to the 8yo explaining that he was sorry but he had plans and could not do it, but she would be able to read the books on Saturday and Sunday when she is with us. When she got to our house on Saturday he also had a talk with her about being responsible for her things and making sure everything she  wanted at mom's house was in her bag. Meanwhile, the ex sends a text that says, "All humans make mistakes and I would never make someone waste their time and gas for a mistake I made". I knew this arguing to go on all night so we discussed it and he sent her a text back citing a date where she did exactly that (they both keep all their texts so I am sure she looked it up after he said it) and made him leave a family bbq to pick up the kids' shoes she forgot to pack in their bag. Then he said he had nothing further to say about the topic and to "have a good evening."  To my shock, she wrote back, "We will. You too!  :)  "

Although, to be honest, we're still kinda waiting for the backlash to occur... but I think it was worth it for her to see that she cannot control her ex-husband anymore and I KNOW from observation it is good for him to know he can stand up for himself and say no to her without  being a bad father.

I'm so glad that your BF took up for himself, his plans, etc. That is great, my dear! And yes there might be a backlash, but you have to start somewhere. 

It is very obvious that it is all about control their mother. It may never be easy but standing your ground is worth it in the long run.

I'm happy to hear that you are saving the text messages, writing them down with a time and date wouldn't hurt either just for documentation. You honestly never know when you will need it. My DSS's bio mom hasn't texted since October 27th and hasn't seen DSS since October of 2010. Our new notebook (yes we filled a 3 subject in a year) is barely used at this point.

Good luck! Definitely hoping for smooth sailing for your family!