Finding the patience you need to cope with your ASD kidlet...

[cristeen]

How do you do it?  Where do you find it?  I'm plumb out right now, and really struggling to even let him touch me... which of course makes him even more clingy. 

How do you get through these days/periods? 

[beachcomber]

(((hugs)))

I know exactly where you're coming from. I had so many days like this when my DD was younger and even now. I'm at a very low ebb right now and just ridiculously intolerant of her compulsions, contrary ways and need to do things HER way. Just ONCE I'd like the little thing to just comply! ONE TIME!!! Lately everything is a fight and I know so much of that is *me* not being able to be more tolerant. She feeds off my moods and reflects them back, so I have to be careful with expressing or showing what I'm feeling.

I also have to continually remind myself that she's just 6, has very little ability to cope with the world, is frightened by SO MUCH, has SO LITTLE control over her life and just can't be expected to cope. She's just a kid and a SN kid at that.

Sometimes getting out for a night or a coffee date with a friend does wonders for me. It refills my supply of energy. Keeps me going for another month.

Sometimes I have to literally do a Calm Count - I say "one calm, two calm, three calm ... " slowly until I get to ten. It helps more than you'd think.

I have post-it notes all over my house reminding me of what's really worth fighting about or what's really important to me to model. That helps, too.

Good luck, Mama.

[FarmerBeth]

Lots and lots of really rigorous gardening gets me through.  Everyone needs to find their special something and make time for it, especially with an ASD child.  And I make sure to get time to speak to other adults.  Sometimes what really saves me is just calling up my best friend or having a movie night with my husband.

[cristeen]

Thank you ladies.  I think a big part of the problem is the total lack of "me" time.  He's still co-sleeping, and up at least 2x/night, sometimes for over an hour each time, plus I'm in my 2nd trimester and still exhausted.  And DH is in school FT and working FT, so it's all on me right now. 

After posting that this morning, in tears, I finally packed us up and went to the park.  The nice thing around here seems to be that at that hour the parks are empty, so we got about half an hour where he could do his own thing (he won't play with groups, and when it's crowded he just asks to go home).  As much as I normally dislike going out in public with him and dealing with the judgement and the stares, it was actually a really nice morning. 

I really wish I knew what to do just for me.  I seem to have lost my own identity somewhere along the way and I'm struggling to figure that out.  Not sure how to dig myself out of this particular hole. 

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by cristeen 

Thank you ladies.  I think a big part of the problem is the total lack of "me" time.  He's still co-sleeping, and up at least 2x/night, sometimes for over an hour each time, plus I'm in my 2nd trimester and still exhausted.  And DH is in school FT and working FT, so it's all on me right now. 

I really wish I knew what to do just for me.  I seem to have lost my own identity somewhere along the way and I'm struggling to figure that out.  Not sure how to dig myself out of this particular hole. 

I think I've traveled back in time . When ds was that age dh was working full time, in school full time, I was pregnant, still nursing, and co-sleeping. By the second trimester we had to put ds in his own room because dh and I weren't getting any sleep; ds was an acrobat nurser/sleeper. Sleep is really important for your mental as well as physical health--it's just harder to deal with anything without sleep. Dh handled the putting to bed and ds was not happy about it but something had to give. I was really feeling touched out and nursing wasn't helping but...nursing was the one thing that would get ds to sit down with me instead of tearing up the house so I encouraged it as much as I could; then after dd was born we'd all sit in the recliner put in a movie and we'd all fall asleep while they were nursing.

I think you're at the time of life when your children are little and they are your life -- having your dh's time fully occupied somewhere else and having the ASD to deal with is just making it harder. When ds was that age I didn't know about his issues so I wasn't looking, but I think it would be helpful if you could find a "play" group for people with children in the same "ballpark" of issues. When ds was in K there was a girl in his class that loved ds to pieces that was likely ADHD as well (I'm not sure about the Asperger's, her mom was just starting to pursue a diagnosis the last time I saw her)--it was nice to have a mom to talk to who had an idea of what I was going through; and she had a good idea as to what ds was like because she volunteered in the classroom a lot.
 

[fiddlefern]

Ugh!  Do I remember those days!  Needing to get outside for my own mental health, but not wanting to go outside because ds1 would have a tantrum if there were too many people at the park when he wanted the play structure to himself.  And the other mothers who wanted to be helpful but really ended up just discounting how hard my experience was by assuring me that my ds's behavior was within the range of normal.

I never did seek an ASD playgroup, but I think it would have been sooo helpful for ME.  In my house, a calmer mom often leads eventually to a calmer kid.  I am probably going to find an ASD playgroup soon, even though Ds1 is 7 years old.  Ds doesn't officially have an ASD diagnosis yet.  His IEP is for a communication disorder.  When he was younger there was too much subtlety to tell for sure, and I've been putting off following up on a referral for 2 years now.  He's coming out of his shell at school and therefore having behavior problems at school, so I'm finally motivated.

Anyhow, I will just affirm that you need YOU time, and it sounds like that's pretty darn hard for you to get right now (eeps on the busy husband!), so maybe a playgroup would be a win-win situation.

[beachcomber]

Making time for yourself is REALLY important. If you don't recharge your supply of energy at some point, you end up losing your perspective with your child. Your frustration tolerance goes down. Your ability to think on the fly goes down. You have a harder time with your partner, friends, NT kids, etc. Everything becomes harder when you don't look after your physical and emotional health. Parenting a NT kid is hard work. Looking after and advocating for a SN child is a HUGE amount of work and it's largely thankless. People with typical kids often don't have a clue what we deal with on a daily basis, the stuff we need to know, to learn, the phone calls we have to make, doors we have to bang down, etc. The only person looking out for you IS you, so make sure you do take time for yourself. It's the best gift you can give your SN child.