DSS expressing jealousy of DS - thoughts?

[MsDolphin]

I would like to just vent and get thoughts from outside parties on this situation we have at home.

DSS (10) complained to his Mom, that his Dad (I took this to mean both of us) never buys him anything. I believed this stemmed from being out this weekend at the church fair, where I bought DS (15 months) three t-shirts. Honestly I didn't buy anything for DSS cause 1) he was with us (I was trying to Christmas shop) and 2) I did look, but there wasn't really anything that caught my eye. DSS asked for some candy he wanted when we were out and was told no by DH that afternoon (after he already had two treats).

I pointed out to DH that while DSS didn't get an item at the fair, he did get two snacks (separate times) while we were there (DS didn't get any food at the fair, other than a few bites of DH's).

I told DH that DS does get alot of "stuff" cause he is a baby and people like to buy baby gifts, so we are given alot of stuff. I do get lots of hand-me-down clothes for him, from various friends, but it's rare for him to have new clothes. Now it may be true that DS gets more stuff from us, but for example DSS gets birthday/Christmas presents from two sets of parents, plus relatives from both sides. DS only gets from one set of parents, plus my family is small - so he doesn't get alot from my side.

Another thing I pointed out to DH, is while DSS does not get stuff, like toys. DH constantly takes him for a "treat" after school several times a week, ie they go for ice cream, hot dogs, etc.

DH and his ex-wife pay for DSS to play on two in sport leagues, which is over $100 plus the cost of equipment, fund-raising for the teams, and the time/money spent on gas for travel.

IMO - it all works out even in the end. DH said he agrees.

I worry about DSS being jealous of DS and taking it out on him, especially when they get older. Any thoughts on this?

[Mummoth]

I think it might just be the age... my two are biological siblings who live together 100% of the time and I hear "Not fair!" about that sort of thing every week... DS has an orthodontist appointment and gets a snack on the way there, DD thinks it's not fair. DD's class is making gingerbread houses, so she'll be coming home with candy, DS will say it's not fair. Same thing with goodie bags from birthday parties or when either of them outgrows shoes and the other doesn't. It's the same when I ask them to clean up a mess, one of them insists the other made more/all of the mess and it's not fair they have to help, or one of them does clean their room as asked and earns TV as a privilege, the other says it's not fair they don't get to watch the show even though their room is still a sty. Nothing is ever, ever fair, they both have a mental tally going where they're always the one getting short-changed.

What do I do about it? Not a lot, because I believe I AM as fair as I can be. I tell them it might not be 100% even right this very moment, but that over time each of them is getting about the same amount of stuff. Sometimes I try to think of the last time the complainer got something and the other didn't, and remind them. Or say something like "I'm sorry DS, I didn't realize you'd like some fluffy mittens." (Oh you wouldn't? They didn't have mittens that looked like your style, when I see gloves I think you'll like I'll buy them) They often figure out that they don't WANT me to be perfectly fair right now, because if they wait a few days or a week they'll get something more suited to them personally. Another way it goes "Im sorry DD, did your toothbrush fall in the toilet, too?" (No? Well, if it 'falls in' now I'm just going to wash it off so don't think you can have a fake accident to get a new one!) There is no pleasing them! Your DSS might not know it was (mostly) fair until he's an adult... this is one of those 'tell them 500 times' things, unfortunately.

[MsDolphin]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

I think it might just be the age... my two are biological siblings who live together 100% of the time and I hear "Not fair!" about that sort of thing every week... 

Your DSS might not know it was (mostly) fair until he's an adult... this is one of those 'tell them 500 times' things, unfortunately.

Thank you! Your comments are re-assuring.

[organicviolin]

The other thing to keep in mind is that overall, not everything is "fair."  It stinks but that's the way it is.  We try to make things "fair" for our boys but hey, we're only human.  DS1 got a lot of stuff new (like toys) from family/friends, DS2 not so much because he's the second.  It's the way it is.  We do make a point of getting the same number of presents for big occasions and holidays.  Other than that, we haven't really gotten to the it's not fair stage, but my bro and I did it and we both lived and things were not necessarily even 100% of the time...it's not easy to do.  We all have finite resources, especially when it comes down to I don't want a lot of stuff in my house.