Deleted this due to it being too long. Need to find a way to condense it.
OK, well I will try to express my struggle without taking up a page and a half (I'm a rambler, lol). I was raised in a home with parents who loved me but had addiction issues, were young and very immature. This put me in a caretaker role at a young age. I basically became responsible for my parent's emotions and issues. They pushed me to get married at sixteen so they could be relieved of responsibility for me (I was NOT pregnant) and life became very hard after that.
I married and had three kids in four years, before I was even 21. I was divorced by 23 and went to work full-time. I liked it, I worked in a non-profit position and got to help people. It didn't pay much, but I felt like I finally had something of my own. I developed a close group of wonderful friends, and every other weekend when i didn't have my kids I did social things and just basically started learning how to build and enjoy my own life.
Fast forward to now, I am remarried and my new husband did not have children so I had a tubal reversal surgery to have two more and we have a big beautiful family of mine and ours. My vision of this new life is that I would maybe finish my degree and continue to grow as a person while having this amazing partner and children and life would be great....but that has not happened.
When I was pregnant with mine and dh's first baby (five years ago) he decided to pursue another degree at night while working full-time so he could earn more money. It took FIVE YEARS. I have been staying at home and had another baby in this time so they would not be too far apart (then had a tubal). He is very hands on with all the kids so I thought us having our own children would be so much easier and more fulfilling and enjoyable with all his parenting help and it is...when he is home, which is rare. He graduated in Dec, Summa Cum Laude, after reaching his personal goal of becoming a certified accountant. He started a new job today in tax, which basically means since this is tax season we will not see him till April or May.
I have tried several times to go back and finish my degree and have not been able due to childcare and kid responsibilities. I feel like I always have to put my needs, goals, dreams, and everything on the back burner for everybody else!! The way the classes were set up at the community college, I would have to pay for childcare for two full days and I can't pay for that when not even bringing in income. I think I would like to go to work part-time...but I don't know how to work out childcare for that either. I am so ready to make a change and tired of being the one holding down everything here at home by myself while dh works and pursues his dream career...But I am struggling to set and reach personal goals while having the responsibility of all five kids nearly alone. My first three kids dad is not involved at all.
I wonder if anyone else has felt this way before and what they did to change it. I realize I could do online classes at home with the kids here but I hate online, and was really looking forward to going and being with people in the real world again that are not children. I cannot talk to many people IRL about it, because I get the "you're so lucky to be at home, enjoy it, blah blah blah." I am done with this part of my life and want to move on and into a career or something else personally fulfilling. I am not the type that believes women have to stay at home to be good mothers, I have worked outside the home before and loved and felt I was an even better parent because I had something other than the daily routine of childcare to look forward to. My husband continually tells me that we are in a higher tax bracket and nearly all my check would get eaten by taxes and childcare....I feel frustrated and stuck and wish I knew the direction to take next....
Edited by allthesekids - 1/3/12 at 12:43pm