Stealing

[Imakcerka]

Yesterday DD1 bought a some gifts at the Santa Gift Shop they have at school this week.  After lunch she noticed that some of the items she bought were gone.  The teacher had the kids search the classroom.  They didn't go into personal belongings.  (I have no problem with that)  The school councelor came in and asked that everyone be on the look our for the items and if they "find" them quickly return them to DD1.  DD1 was upset about the loss and keeps thinking that maybe it just got lost.  She keeps asking why would somebody take it and if they took it can I give her a few dollars so that she can buy the gifts again and keep them in the teachers desk?  I didn't give her any more money to buy more presents but offered to take her somewhere this weekend to pick up a few things to replace the "lost" gifts. 

I appreciate that the teacher and councelor realized that this wasn't just a misplaced issue.  However I feel bad for DD1 since this isn't the first time something has been stolen from her at school. Last time it was a kid stealing her snacks and part of her lunch.  Because it was a food issue I couldn't bring myself to make a big deal out of it.  Instead... I packed her two snacks and told her to offer it to him before snack time.    I was once that kid who didn't have much and I did take food from peoples bags at school in 1st grade until I got caught.  Are we teaching her that doing nothing means that doing nothing is the normal outcome for theft?  To me stuff is just that, stuff.  I don't put attachments on "things", other people do and I get that.  I just wonder if I think I'm teaching her one thing, yet she's learning something different from all of this.

Thoughts?

[serenbat]

I had an item taken in 2nd grade and I remember it very clearly.

There were only about 5 of my classmates that would have known about it and I went with them thru 12th grade- I do not know no to this day who it was but it could have only been 5 and I had thought of them as my friends. It stuck with me and I never forgot it.

it was money and it was returned - it was for after school lessons with my teacher's aid- the school handled it differently then your school did - the following day it was announced in the class and it was said that the money had to be returned the next day - the following day, we came in, we had to put our heads down and the person that took the money had to bring it to the desk - it happened and I never knew who did it, we were told no one would be punished (the teacher and the aid knew)

as with the food, I think you were wrong in not making a bigger deal about it - if they are stealing snacks- they usually are not getting what they need - don't know if your school has programs and that it could be better addressed if they can find out who it is?????

[Imakcerka]

The school has programs and 60% of the students use the program.  Quite a few parents do not send a snack daily with their kid to school.  However time is set aside for kids to have snack.  I think you might be right about saying something about it though. 

I'm also wondering if by the do nothing mentality we're displaying with the "stuff" not food if I'm doing something wrong. 

[serenbat]

I'm also wondering if by the do nothing mentality we're displaying with the "stuff" not food if I'm doing something wrong. 

I'm not understand this? about the stuff missing? mentality she does know someone she has to be with each day took her things-not some random strange, no accident-it's sticks with you---she knows only a few (just like with me) knew what she got and where she had it--you know! I would assume it's a close friend (in my case it was, the person knew where the money was kept and that only on one day a week I had money - there was no reason the other days and the way it was folded and fit into my change purse was the same way it was returned to me, it was a close "friend"--I'll even tell you more! we did EVERYTHING from K-12 in abc order, I was "friends" with those closest to my last name, I sat by the SAME two people for 13 years! my coat and book bag were hung in order (my school system was anal) I can narrow it down real good and I still think of this when I see things like you posted! 

I think it's sad, your DD knows it's someone she should want to trust and now will always wonder about...stuff is stuff, trust is a whole other thing and she knows 

Edited by serenbat - 12/8/11 at 12:11pm

[Imakcerka]

I see what you're saying.  It sucks.  It really sucks.  I just hope it got returned today.  I'll find out when I get home. 

[SweetSilver]

Stealing is tricky all around.  Even houses that get broken into, wallets that get stolen, cars that are broken into or stolen outright.  It is very, very difficult to track down and prosecute these people.  What happen to your daughter is no different.  It sucks, but until there is some definitive proof there is unfortunately not a lot you can do except keep your eyes and ears peeled and take preventative measures.  

I don't think you've downplayed it, though perhaps from her perspective you did.  As someone who has been around the block in this world you have a different perspective on theft than she does.  To some extent, we are on our own in defense.  One difference, though, is that in our own homes and houses we are able to have scary dogs, locks, alarm systems.  If we have to stow our stuff there are usually lockers with padlocks available.  Something should be available for kids to stash this kind of stuff-- in the teacher's desk or at the office if lockers aren't available.

It is an unfortunate lesson to learn, especially with something that is essentially irreplaceable.  It is sad that we get in trouble for stealing ourselves, but when others steal we often have no recourse.  My daughter said to me in the car last time that police should give people who are driving exactly the speed limit money to reward them for not breaking the law.  A brilliant idea, if impossible. Following the rules should have better rewards.

No, mama, I don't think you did anything wrong.  Maybe you can explain yourself to her, teach her strategies for preventing theft, offer to support her efforts to recover her stuff.  What you did with the snacks was just as the Shakers did when planting their gardens-- half for the residents, half for the thieves.  You've given her directions towards the road of forgiveness, not simply justice.  It is a good road.  

[serenbat]

I'm wondering---- how did you know about this- just because it was your child or did the school let all the parents in this class know? 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

 can I give her a few dollars so that she can buy the gifts again and keep them in the teachers desk?  I didn't give her any more money to buy more presents but offered to take her somewhere this weekend to pick up a few things to replace the "lost" gifts.

Why couldn't you give her the few dollars to buy the things again at school? Part of the cool factor is that she got to pick things out at the school fair/store or whatever it was. That joy was stolen (literally) by someone else. 

Are you acknowledging your daughter's feelings and really letting her get her emotions out? I don't think you have to "do" anything, but I'd be careful of minimizing her feelings just because you don't think it's a big deal. She needs time and permission to grieve, rant or do whatever it is she needs to do. She needs to be able to tell the story of her stuff getting stolen without someone saying "it's no big deal, it's just stuff". If you give her the chance to do that, but don't get worked up about the stuff yourself, then I think you're modeling very appropriate behavior. With the snack thing, did you tell her that you were once that child? Hearing YOUR story will be very powerful for her as well. 

[Imakcerka]

She told me and I got an email from the teacher yesterday as well.  She told me that the last time this happened she asked the all the kids to empty their desks and the culprit had to return all the things he had taken from various desks but she got in trouble for it.  The kid had taken money from someones backpack and few other things.  The money was still in the envelope with the other kids name on it for the bookfair.  This time she brought in the school counselor. 
 

Originally Posted by serenbat 

I'm wondering---- how did you know about this- just because it was your child or did the school let all the parents in this class know? 

[Imakcerka]

This isn't the first time things have been stolen from her or others in her class.  I didn't minimize the theft.  We talked about it and DH said that if she brought it up when he dropped her off he'd give her the money.  She was happy with me taking her to get something else.  I realize that it is fun to buy from the school holiday shop and she did get a few other things.  Both her and her sister were given 10 to shop.  I'm taking her today with her best friend to go shopping which she's excited about. 

I'm going through out conversation, hoping I didn't say anything that minimizes the ordeal.  I don't think I did.  I will talk to her about it again when we go shopping.  She's really looking forward to it since her best friend gets to go. 
 

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Why couldn't you give her the few dollars to buy the things again at school? Part of the cool factor is that she got to pick things out at the school fair/store or whatever it was. That joy was stolen (literally) by someone else. 

Are you acknowledging your daughter's feelings and really letting her get her emotions out? I don't think you have to "do" anything, but I'd be careful of minimizing her feelings just because you don't think it's a big deal. She needs time and permission to grieve, rant or do whatever it is she needs to do. She needs to be able to tell the story of her stuff getting stolen without someone saying "it's no big deal, it's just stuff". If you give her the chance to do that, but don't get worked up about the stuff yourself, then I think you're modeling very appropriate behavior. With the snack thing, did you tell her that you were once that child? Hearing YOUR story will be very powerful for her as well. 

[serenbat]

She told me and I got an email from the teacher yesterday as well.  She told me that the last time this happened she asked the all the kids to empty their desks and the culprit had to return all the things he had taken from various desks but she got in trouble for it.  The kid had taken money from someones backpack and few other things.  The money was still in the envelope with the other kids name on it for the bookfair.  This time she brought in the school counselor. 

well, they certainly known they have a problem - hope they keep on top of it! I'm assuming they might know the person and maybe some counseling is occurring with the culprit (if it's the same one!!)--sorry your DD had to have this happen, you should feel safe in a class room