Quote:
Originally Posted by
amicrazyÂ
It just seems like we can never just be alone, without his phone going off all the time. I'm sorry we are both getting up in age and just want to spend alone time with him. Is that selfish? I love my children with all my heart, but I've given,helped,encouraged,love you name it I did for my children. Now I want to start living for me, enjoying my life with my husband. Just this weekend my husband and I went to his Christmas party. On the way his daughter calls (to ask for something), get to the party daughter in law text to see if he could babysit the next day. It made me sooo mad, we just can't do anything with out someone needing him for something. Sat. night I slept at his house, was planning on spending the day with him. He wakes up and starts to cook lunch, then says I sure hope my kids can come eat. I said really you just can't spend any alone time with me, then I left. He calls when I got home, and after explaining to him why I got mad then he got it. But to me it should come natural, for him to think...... great me and my wife can snuggle all day by ourselves. But nooooooo
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Yeah but honey....you left (probably all huffy, right? You can admit it!! :) ) and he didn't "get it" until you got home and he called (chased after you) and was "no no, what's wrong" - and THAT'S when you explained it to him in a way that helped him understand your view point?? I totally get the need for time to cool down...but lady, you need to start acting like the intelligent woman that you are and address things when they come up, in a low key sort of way. When you're married, you don't leave or throw a fit and THEN explain how you feel. Let me give you examples of how you can help him feel like he's got a strong, confident, loving wife on his arm...instead of a jealous, whining girl (I say that SO gently):
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Scene: You two are in the car, he is getting texts from his kids.
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What you did: You huffed and probably rolled your eyes or silently brimmed over with rage all the rest of the way there.
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What you should try next time: Gently pushing the phone down, as he is done reading his text and putting it down anyway, into the center console instead of his pocket. SIMULTANEOUSLY...plant a warm kiss on his cheek or lips...and say to him "You know what I want, for the rest of the night? I want you and me, to go to this party and feel connected and flirty and sexy and then later I want to go home and enjoy a quiet house :hint hint look: I'm enjoying my time so much with you, let's not let any more interruptions butt in!" - you could even throw in "Tell her we'll definitely babysit tomorrow...but you're mine the rest of the night" or a "hey, answer that text and then let's leave the phone in the car!" -Â let me explain.
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^that really is what you want...you want to go to the party and have a fun, flirty time with him and then go home and cuddle and smooch or whatever. But instead of making it into a fight, or nagging him, you're connecting with him in a way which totally catches him off guard (because it's not the same old "you never, blah blah" and gains his positive attention(physical touch goes a LONG way toward instantly turning complete focus to what you're doing/saying)...and then --this is the important part--- you are expressing, in no uncertain terms, exactly what you want from him....and you're doing it with the language of a WOMAN...a WIFE...instead of a jealous child with a sister who gets all the attention or whatever. Don't squeal "daddy daddy, how come you never drop everything for ME like that, how come blah blah blah" - and take this shit up a level. You are not a kid, on the floor with the other kids, fighting for this mans attention. Grab his attention with positive means and then hold onto it by being engaged and positively present.
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If you want to have a good time at the party, let the other stuff melt away from your mind and have a good time. If you're too angry to have a good time, don't go. But don't go to the party and stay pissed but not say anything to him and then later on blame him for your not having a good time when you really could have put a stop to his getting text messages every other minute if you had asserted yourself and made it clear that you wanted him all to yourself for the night.
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When you do that, not only does it let him know what you want and not only are you asserting your position as his wife (and, therefore, someone who has the RIGHT to say "that's enough with the texting, it's not an emergency, the rest of the night, you're mine!") but you're also sending him the message in terms that men tend to respond better to, that you really, really dig him and want him and desire his full attention.
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Scene: You're making breakfast and he says "Man, I hope my kids can come eat"
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What you did: Got huffy and pissed, probably were still pissed from last night, weren't you? Then, you left, even though the plan was for you to stay, which is what you wanted. You drove home and then, after he called you, explained yourself and he said "ooohhh" and understood....but you were at your house...and he, at his.
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Something to try next time: He says "man, I hope my kids can come eat" - you say "Hey, how about I get you for lunch and we'll think of something fun to make for dinner with everybody...pizza or something the little ones can get their hands dirty with!" - you could even add "I've been dying to have some alone time and I know we just had an overnight but what can I say, I need to be spoiled with attention sometimes!" -Â Again, do this while making some warm action....caressing his arm, kissing his cheek, hugging him from behind - so that you're TELLING him you want more time with him RIGHT NOW...AND you're reinforcing that expressed desire with physical touch, which, again, many people respond to.
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You want connectedness and you want to be heard. Sooooo, connect with him and express yourself in positive terms. It really sounds like he is receptive, but you need to get a couple of things straight:
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1. IT really, truly sounds to me like you are holding on to jealousy, resentment and bitterness and that a lot of what you do and say has a thin coating of that on top of it. That's going to get in the way of your communication and make it hard for him to really understand what you're saying.
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Don't spend all your time thinking "If this relationship would change, I'd stop being so angry all the time" - and start LIVING: "I'm going to let go of the past and stop being angry all the time, so that I have a better shot at changing this relationship."
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Change starts with you, because you're the one who is unhappy here. He doesn't have a drinking problem, he doesn't cheat on you with women....he's REALLY lousy at picking up on your ques, spoils his children and is more comfortable with a more separated lifestyle than you are. <---- None of these is really a deep character flaw.
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2. You need to let go of the fact that he spends a lot of time with his kids. If you don't like his kids or are so angry that you can't see past the resentment that you've built up, this relationship is not going to work for you, because you are never going to get him to stop seeing his kids so much and helping them with babysitting all the time. You're just not. Frankly, I'd look at you sideways for trying. These grandkids are so blessed to have a grandpa like this. You need to let go of this anger and replace:
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No, don't invite them over, spend time with me.......with......Hey, let's go jump in the car and spend the afternoon doing xyz, and on the way back we;ll pick up xyz from our favorite pizza joint and then everyone can come over and we'll watch a movie, I heard that "xyz kid film" is really fun for parents as well as adults - or something like that.
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You're going to have to come to a place where you can assert yourself in positive ways while at the same time, respecting his wishes to be very present in his kids lives. It wierds me out that he spends so much money on these kids...but it totally makes me dig this guy that he's always thinking about his kids and grandkids. Instead of feeling dread when he says "hey, my daughter is dropping the kids off in the morning" - use it as an opportunity to spend more time with him! "Hey, I heard the elephant at the zoo had a baby...wouldn't it be a blast to take the kids there for the day!?" - seriously. THat's speaking this dudes language. He loves his kids, he loves his grandkids...DO THAT WITH HIM. If you make it a point to carve out time to do things HE loves AS WELL AS things that YOU love (being alone with him)....I think you will find this all so much easier.
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You need to start speaking his language. Don't nag him AWAY from his family....assert yourself effectively and carve out "mama and papa bear time" while being enthusiastic about time with his kids, too. If you lead by example and start positively asserting your space as a married couple, he WILL fall into line.
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In the beginning of this thread, I really thought that you and your DH wanted different things. But now I see that was wrong. You want all the same things that he not only wants, but has illustrated he CAN'T DO WITHOUT....FAMILY. You want to be a famly with him. He's got a really strong family situation going on. You've got to jump in like you belong, because you do, he picked you just as you picked him....and you need to start shifting the culture of this family to include a "mama bear" again. I'm not telling you to start being all mommy-ish to his kids...I'm telling you to act like you belong there and support the family system (which sounds really tight knit and supportive) and find out where you fit in it.
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If you play tug-o-war and try to rip him further from his family....you will lose. There is absolutely no question in my mind about that. Be more involved in his existing family circle...and involve him more with your boys, too...and watch these two families start to form one.
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Nothing is worse than resentment. I've been there before. My husband and I went through a weird thing where he was kind of depressed and spent way too much time on the computer. It took me a loooooot of nagging and whining until I could hear my own voice. I was saying "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, SPEND TIME WITH ME!!!" - but my face was hard and mean, my voice was scratchy and sharp with anger and my body language was cold and shooting. My words were saying "come closer" but absolutely everything else about me was whining, angry, hard and cold and saying "go away, I hate you".
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What really helped, was letting go of the past and treating each moment like it was a fresh, new one. You can't be mad at someone for messing up in the past. The past is gone, along with their opportunity to make it right. Address what is happening NOW. If you want a fresh start with him, well, you need to erase the hate and start sending positive, clear messages to him. I have a feeling that half the time you don't even get around to actually clearly expressing what you want him to do.
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Don't expect him to read your mind...nothing is going to be "clear" to him...meaning, all these things you are mad that he ust doesn't "get"....stop doing that. From here on out, while you guys are getting things back on track....I want you to positively, clearly and calmly express - in CLEAR and SIMPLE terms - your exact expectations....and you just watch what a difference that makes.
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I know where you're coming from. After my second childs birth, I swear, I could have walked out of this house he did such a horrible job taking care of me. I cried, I wailed....he said "please, what should I do, tell me what to do!!??" and I was like "F-you for not getting it...you suck!!" (basic attitude) and that's how it went. I realize now, of course, that a lot of it was hormonal...but how unfair was that? I wasn't getting what I needed....so I got mad at him for not meeting my needs....and all I needed to do, was tell him what those needs were.
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Your needs are not being met. You think that your needs are completely clear and that he should just "get it"...but you've been trying that and it's not working...so start telling him, on the spot, what you need and how you need it. Nice and easy, no nagging, let go of the anger and the hurt of the past and forge new roads, taking more responsibility for making sure he KNOWS what you need.
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Right now, he doesn't know what you need. So you can't very well hate the guys guts for not giving it to you. Right??
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I really believe you guys can come through this. It really sounds like you want all the same things. He loves his family. You love yours. You want him to love YOU as his family...so be family. Make a big, blended, happy family with him! <3
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not edited, sorry.
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Edited by BroodyWoodsgal - 12/12/11 at 3:36pm
 It is hard, given the little information in your post, to imagine that putting his children first is a bad thing.
