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Step children are ruining my life. - Page 2

post #21 of 36

I think you're right. I have a friend who has been alone with her son basically since he was born (so about 6 years). It is kind of sad watching her try and date because she is so wrapped up in her son, I cannot see how she can ever have a relationship with a man. I love spending time with her, but I sometimes cringe thinking about spending time with her and her son (and I feel very bad about it) because I know he will control and dominate what we do, the conversation, etc...even if we make plans to do something else. She thinks all his ideas are wonderful and everyone should think so too. I mean, that's a nice way to think about your kid, but I can't see how anyone could have a relationship outside of that. The other person gets dropped like a hot potato anytime her son wants to do something different, or if she doesn't do that, she just feels bad about leaving him and talks about it the entire time. I've tried bringing some of this up when she wonders why she can't meet and keep a man and she will usually acknowledge what I am saying, but it doesn't really seem to sink in :/

post #22 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieAlly View Post

I think you're right. I have a friend who has been alone with her son basically since he was born (so about 6 years). It is kind of sad watching her try and date because she is so wrapped up in her son, I cannot see how she can ever have a relationship with a man. I love spending time with her, but I sometimes cringe thinking about spending time with her and her son (and I feel very bad about it) because I know he will control and dominate what we do, the conversation, etc...even if we make plans to do something else. She thinks all his ideas are wonderful and everyone should think so too. I mean, that's a nice way to think about your kid, but I can't see how anyone could have a relationship outside of that. The other person gets dropped like a hot potato anytime her son wants to do something different, or if she doesn't do that, she just feels bad about leaving him and talks about it the entire time. I've tried bringing some of this up when she wonders why she can't meet and keep a man and she will usually acknowledge what I am saying, but it doesn't really seem to sink in :/

 

I think it's really great that there are so many women who decide to be single moms by choice...but I think that one of the reasons so many of them are very successful parents and people, is because they go into it without a partner and can take steps to make sure that things stay healthy. Be aware, you know?

 

When someone goes into parenting WITH someone and then finds themselves, for whatever reason, without that partner, there tends to be a bit of a shift toward throwing everything into the kid(s) and the primary relationship, naturally, becomes the parent child relationship. I think there only being one child would make this even more severe.

I think what has happened with your friend is really normal. When you have two adults parenting together, the primary relationship is the partnership between those two parents....the secondary, but no less important as far as meeting needs is concerned, is the "parent kid" relationship. When the parent kid relationship is the ONLY relationship, it can be a real struggle for the single parent AND the kid(s) to adjust back into having that other partner in the picture...but I have known SO many people who have done it and gone on to be very happy.

 

The other thing that is worth mentioning, is that plenty of marriages where there are real struggles and distance between partners, one can also observe this "getting completely wrapped up in kids" behavior. I know multiple marriages like that. I have one friend in particular, an amazing lady, who has been struggling really, really hard with a husband who abuses alcohol and sort of "checked out" for a while, cheated, etc. My poor friend was just trying to keep it together and the only way she held on to sanity and didn't totally go off the deep end from the heartbreak of everything that was happening, was to throw herself COMPLETELY into rearing her child. I think that sometimes that is what happens with single mamas who didn't intend to be that way. They are so heartbroken by events not shaping up as they were planned to, that the most natural and least harmful way to cope with the pain of starting over again with a new plan is to throw themselves into their babies.

 

But I mean....what are you supposed to do? Things crash and burn. They weren't supposed to. No matter what the reason, breakups are devastating....you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to lay around and feel like you're dying for a while. But you've got kids. So what do you REALLY do.....you get up and make them a damn sandwich, that's what you do. Then you wash their little face and you take them outside. Then you read some books...and on and on. We all know that a child will soak up about as much of your time as you give them...so if you're just trying to keep looking forward and not fall apart so that you can keep things as normal as possible for them, it's pretty easy to fill up your days with caring for them, planning for them, working to put a roof over their heads and then coming home to feed them and on and on. I completely understand why that happens. I really do. My mom did it with us. Most single mothers I know, when they are first striking out on their new life on their own, do a whole lot of throwing themselves into their kids. Both to help their kids to feel good and keep their chins up...and also because kids are really good at helping you feel like everything is going to be okay, when your whole world seems to be falling apart all around you. :(
 

 

post #23 of 36
Thread Starter 

Broodywoodsgal
Wow, I don't know what to say. I mean your so right. I do hold on to alot of resentment, something I think I like to. Maybe I feel I'll hurt him first so he don't hurt me. He is a good man, but I just want him  not have to be told what to think what to say what to feel. You know, women want men to figure that out on there on. I only pray that I could be as calm as what you wrote. I just know that's not going to happen. What you wrote that's what my husband does (always calm, understanding) but seems like I don't matter/ Sometimes I want him to get mad like I do. It makes me feel he can take me or leave me.

 

I had a long talk with him about, buying a new home for US. So we can have something together. Everything in our life is separate. I want togetherness. Me and him with something of our on. He said would that help you and make you feel better. I think it would. IDK but I think it's a start. I think that's my problem I need to feel like some how we're connected. ( I have a very good paying job I could do this on my on.) But I need this, from him. We talked about our future, and it would take 30 years to pay for it. We might not be able to go like we go, and take trips like we do. I'm fine with that I want a home life. Sooooooo.... then I ask what he pay's for his daughter home......50 dollars less then what he would pay for this one. Well I blew again. He bought her home without hesitation. We could sell or rent our house, I want to pay some on the note/ That way I can have a home of my own. I'm a runner I run from all situtations. That way I'll STAY and I'll run the people off and stop doing the running. You have so made me understand some of my situation, I've said things I never expressed before. Thank you, Maybe you can evaluate this for me. This running I do.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BroodyWoodsgal View Post

 

 

Yeah but honey....you left (probably all huffy, right? You can admit it!! :) ) and he didn't "get it" until you got home and he called (chased after you) and was "no no, what's wrong" - and THAT'S when you explained it to him in a way that helped him understand your view point?? I totally get the need for time to cool down...but lady, you need to start acting like the intelligent woman that you are and address things when they come up, in a low key sort of way. When you're married, you don't leave or throw a fit and THEN explain how you feel. Let me give you examples of how you can help him feel like he's got a strong, confident, loving wife on his arm...instead of a jealous, whining girl (I say that SO gently):

 

Scene: You two are in the car, he is getting texts from his kids.

 

What you did: You huffed and probably rolled your eyes or silently brimmed over with rage all the rest of the way there.

 

What you should try next time: Gently pushing the phone down, as he is done reading his text and putting it down anyway, into the center console instead of his pocket. SIMULTANEOUSLY...plant a warm kiss on his cheek or lips...and say to him "You know what I want, for the rest of the night? I want you and me, to go to this party and feel connected and flirty and sexy and then later I want to go home and enjoy a quiet house :hint hint look: I'm enjoying my time so much with you, let's not let any more interruptions butt in!" - you could even throw in "Tell her we'll definitely babysit tomorrow...but you're mine the rest of the night" or a "hey, answer that text and then let's leave the phone in the car!" -  let me explain.

 

^that really is what you want...you want to go to the party and have a fun, flirty time with him and then go home and cuddle and smooch or whatever. But instead of making it into a fight, or nagging him, you're connecting with him in a way which totally catches him off guard (because it's not the same old "you never, blah blah" and gains his positive attention(physical touch goes a LONG way toward instantly turning complete focus to what you're doing/saying)...and then  --this is the important part--- you are expressing, in no uncertain terms, exactly what you want from him....and you're doing it with the language of a WOMAN...a WIFE...instead of a jealous child with a sister who gets all the attention or whatever. Don't squeal "daddy daddy, how come you never drop everything for ME like that, how come blah blah blah" - and take this shit up a level. You are not a kid, on the floor with the other kids, fighting for this mans attention. Grab his attention with positive means and then hold onto it by being engaged and positively present.

 

If you want to have a good time at the party, let the other stuff melt away from your mind and have a good time. If you're too angry to have a good time, don't go. But don't go to the party and stay pissed but not say anything to him and then later on blame him for your not having a good time when you really could have put a stop to his getting text messages every other minute if you had asserted yourself and made it clear that you wanted him all to yourself for the night.

 

When you do that, not only does it let him know what you want and not only are you asserting your position as his wife (and, therefore, someone who has the RIGHT to say "that's enough with the texting, it's not an emergency, the rest of the night, you're mine!") but you're also sending him the message in terms that men tend to respond better to, that you really, really dig him and want him and desire his full attention.

 

Scene: You're making breakfast and he says "Man, I hope my kids can come eat"

 

What you did: Got huffy and pissed, probably were still pissed from last night, weren't you? Then, you left, even though the plan was for you to stay, which is what you wanted. You drove home and then, after he called you, explained yourself and he said "ooohhh" and understood....but you were at your house...and he, at his.

 

Something to try next time: He says "man, I hope my kids can come eat" - you say "Hey, how about I get you for lunch and we'll think of something fun to make for dinner with everybody...pizza or something the little ones can get their hands dirty with!" - you could even add "I've been dying to have some alone time and I know we just had an overnight but what can I say, I need to be spoiled with attention sometimes!" -  Again, do this while making some warm action....caressing his arm, kissing his cheek, hugging him from behind - so that you're TELLING him you want more time with him RIGHT NOW...AND you're reinforcing that expressed desire with physical touch, which, again, many people respond to.

 

 

 

You want connectedness and you want to be heard. Sooooo, connect with him and express yourself in positive terms. It really sounds like he is receptive, but you need to get a couple of things straight:

 

1. IT really, truly sounds to me like you are holding on to jealousy, resentment and bitterness and that a lot of what you do and say has a thin coating of that on top of it. That's going to get in the way of your communication and make it hard for him to really understand what you're saying.

 

Don't spend all your time thinking "If this relationship would change, I'd stop being so angry all the time" - and start LIVING: "I'm going to let go of the past and stop being angry all the time, so that I have a better shot at changing this relationship."

 

Change starts with you, because you're the one who is unhappy here. He doesn't have a drinking problem, he doesn't cheat on you with women....he's REALLY lousy at picking up on your ques, spoils his children and is more comfortable with a more separated lifestyle than you are. <---- None of these is really a deep character flaw.

 

2. You need to let go of the fact that he spends a lot of time with his kids. If you don't like his kids or are so angry that you can't see past the resentment that you've built up, this relationship is not going to work for you, because you are never going to get him to stop seeing his kids so much and helping them with babysitting all the time. You're just not. Frankly, I'd look at you sideways for trying. These grandkids are so blessed to have a grandpa like this. You need to let go of this anger and replace:

 

No, don't invite them over, spend time with me.......with......Hey, let's go jump in the car and spend the afternoon doing xyz, and on the way back we;ll pick up xyz from our favorite pizza joint and then everyone can come over and we'll watch a movie, I heard that "xyz kid film" is really fun for parents as well as adults - or something like that.

 

You're going to have to come to a place where you can assert yourself in positive ways while at the same time, respecting his wishes to be very present in his kids lives. It wierds me out that he spends so much money on these kids...but it totally makes me dig this guy that he's always thinking about his kids and grandkids. Instead of feeling dread when he says "hey, my daughter is dropping the kids off in the morning" - use it as an opportunity to spend more time with him! "Hey, I heard the elephant at the zoo had a baby...wouldn't it be a blast to take the kids there for the day!?" - seriously. THat's speaking this dudes language. He loves his kids, he loves his grandkids...DO THAT WITH HIM. If you make it a point to carve out time to do things HE loves AS WELL AS things that YOU love (being alone with him)....I think you will find this all so much easier.

 

 

You need to start speaking his language. Don't nag him AWAY from his family....assert yourself effectively and carve out "mama and papa bear time" while being enthusiastic about time with his kids, too. If you lead by example and start positively asserting your space as a married couple, he WILL fall into line.

 

In the beginning of this thread, I really thought that you and your DH wanted different things. But now I see that was wrong. You want all the same things that he not only wants, but has illustrated he CAN'T DO WITHOUT....FAMILY. You want to be a famly with him. He's got a really strong family situation going on. You've got to jump in like you belong, because you do, he picked you just as you picked him....and you need to start shifting the culture of this family to include a "mama bear" again. I'm not telling you to start being all mommy-ish to his kids...I'm telling you to act like you belong there and support the family system (which sounds really tight knit and supportive) and find out where you fit in it.

 

If you play tug-o-war and try to rip him further from his family....you will lose. There is absolutely no question in my mind about that. Be more involved in his existing family circle...and involve him more with your boys, too...and watch these two families start to form one.

 

Nothing is worse than resentment. I've been there before. My husband and I went through a weird thing where he was kind of depressed and spent way too much time on the computer. It took me a loooooot of nagging and whining until I could hear my own voice. I was saying "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, SPEND TIME WITH ME!!!" - but my face was hard and mean, my voice was scratchy and sharp with anger and my body language was cold and shooting. My words were saying "come closer" but absolutely everything else about me was whining, angry, hard and cold and saying "go away, I hate you".

 

What really helped, was letting go of the past and treating each moment like it was a fresh, new one. You can't be mad at someone for messing up in the past. The past is gone, along with their opportunity to make it right. Address what is happening NOW. If you want a fresh start with him, well, you need to erase the hate and start sending positive, clear messages to him. I have a feeling that half the time you don't even get around to actually clearly expressing what you want him to do.

 

Don't expect him to read your mind...nothing is going to be "clear" to him...meaning, all these things you are mad that he ust doesn't "get"....stop doing that. From here on out, while you guys are getting things back on track....I want you to positively, clearly and calmly express - in CLEAR and SIMPLE terms - your exact expectations....and you just watch what a difference that makes.

 

I know where you're coming from. After my second childs birth, I swear, I could have walked out of this house he did such a horrible job taking care of me. I cried, I wailed....he said "please, what should I do, tell me what to do!!??" and I was like "F-you for not getting it...you suck!!" (basic attitude) and that's how it went. I realize now, of course, that a lot of it was hormonal...but how unfair was that? I wasn't getting what I needed....so I got mad at him for not meeting my needs....and all I needed to do, was tell him what those needs were.

 

Your needs are not being met. You think that your needs are completely clear and that he should just "get it"...but you've been trying that and it's not working...so start telling him, on the spot, what you need and how you need it. Nice and easy, no nagging, let go of the anger and the hurt of the past and forge new roads, taking more responsibility for making sure he KNOWS what you need.

 

Right now, he doesn't know what you need. So you can't very well hate the guys guts for not giving it to you. Right??

 

 

I really believe you guys can come through this. It really sounds like you want all the same things. He loves his family. You love yours. You want him to love YOU as his family...so be family. Make a big, blended, happy family with him! <3

 

not edited, sorry.

 

 



 

post #24 of 36

Oh yeah, I did the same thing for the first 18 months of my daughters life (single mom, she never met her dad). She kept me going most days because I had to be there for her. People asked me a lot how I did it, how I did all that stuff alone. I told them I did it because I had to. I really didn't have a choice!  But I woke up one day and was sick of being alone, sick of doing everything on my own, and felt I could be a less stressed and more sane person for my daughter if I had a partner. I know, not very feminist of me or whatever, but I don't care. That is what I decided was best for us. It took 2 years of dating losers, but I finally found a winner that has only enhanced my family and my relationship with my daughter. I just don't see my friend doing that. She really never parented with her ex, he left soon after the child was born and his visitation has been sporadic (though getting better now, 6 1/2 years later). She labels every guy she dates as either controlling or lazy and passive for what seems to be very minor things. I just wish I could do more for her because I know she is happy for me, but I also know it upsets her to see me finally moving on to a family and she is still stuck alone. She's 6 years younger than me, more out going and waaaaaaaaaaaaay better looking by most people's standards, and while I know that is mostly superficial stuff, it surprises me she hasn't met anyone yet because those attributes means she has met a lot more men than I have. You'd think that would increase her odds of meeting the right one :)

 

 

post #25 of 36
Thread Starter 

PixieAlly
I guess if that's what she want that's okay. But poor darling she's going to probably end up alone. I love my kids, but do one day want to live for me. God has blessed us with our children I get it. But sooner or later they are going to leave the nest, and then what. A medaling mother-in-law, no one wants that. But as my situation, I put up with it. As far how long IDK, gowing very hired though.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieAlly View Post

I think you're right. I have a friend who has been alone with her son basically since he was born (so about 6 years). It is kind of sad watching her try and date because she is so wrapped up in her son, I cannot see how she can ever have a relationship with a man. I love spending time with her, but I sometimes cringe thinking about spending time with her and her son (and I feel very bad about it) because I know he will control and dominate what we do, the conversation, etc...even if we make plans to do something else. She thinks all his ideas are wonderful and everyone should think so too. I mean, that's a nice way to think about your kid, but I can't see how anyone could have a relationship outside of that. The other person gets dropped like a hot potato anytime her son wants to do something different, or if she doesn't do that, she just feels bad about leaving him and talks about it the entire time. I've tried bringing some of this up when she wonders why she can't meet and keep a man and she will usually acknowledge what I am saying, but it doesn't really seem to sink in :/



 

post #26 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by amicrazy View Post

Broodywoodsgal

 

I'm a runner I run from all situtations. That way I'll STAY and I'll run the people off and stop doing the running. You have so made me understand some of my situation, I've said things I never expressed before. Thank you, Maybe you can evaluate this for me. This running I do.
 

I really think that this is something you should consider addressing with a therapist. Buying a house with your husband is *not* going to change this in you. Nor can you guarantee that you can "drive" his kids off by co-owning a house. He would have every right to have his kids come to his home. As would you.


Edited by mtiger - 12/14/11 at 9:33am
post #27 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by amicrazy View Post

Broodywoodsgal
Wow, I don't know what to say. I mean your so right. I do hold on to alot of resentment, something I think I like to. Maybe I feel I'll hurt him first so he don't hurt me. He is a good man, but I just want him  not have to be told what to think what to say what to feel. You know, women want men to figure that out on there on. I only pray that I could be as calm as what you wrote. I just know that's not going to happen. What you wrote that's what my husband does (always calm, understanding) but seems like I don't matter/ Sometimes I want him to get mad like I do. It makes me feel he can take me or leave me.

 

I had a long talk with him about, buying a new home for US. So we can have something together. Everything in our life is separate. I want togetherness. Me and him with something of our on. He said would that help you and make you feel better. I think it would. IDK but I think it's a start. I think that's my problem I need to feel like some how we're connected. ( I have a very good paying job I could do this on my on.) But I need this, from him. We talked about our future, and it would take 30 years to pay for it. We might not be able to go like we go, and take trips like we do. I'm fine with that I want a home life. Sooooooo.... then I ask what he pay's for his daughter home......50 dollars less then what he would pay for this one. Well I blew again. He bought her home without hesitation. We could sell or rent our house, I want to pay some on the note/ That way I can have a home of my own. I'm a runner I run from all situtations. That way I'll STAY and I'll run the people off and stop doing the running. You have so made me understand some of my situation, I've said things I never expressed before. Thank you, Maybe you can evaluate this for me. This running I do.



I'm happy that he is positive about the idea of you two owning a home together, but if I'm completely honest with you, I think your insistence about the buying a home thing is really just another sign of desperation, of wanting him to PROVE to you in a way that can measure up to things he has done for his kids, that he loves you as much, that you are as important.

 

I think that buying a house should be the icing on the cake, the reward for doing all the hard work it's going to take to figure out if buying a home is even a good idea for you guys, if this is all going to work out, you know? My marriage has seen ups and downs, but we've worked consistently enough, that I can say we've been in a great place for a long time. I could live with this man under a freeway in a box. I could live with him anywhere....I'm not even joking....and be completely content. So long as we had food for our childrens bellies, I could get through anything with him and live anywhere happily. I want you to get to the point where you could say just about the same, before you commit yourself so heavily by buying a home with him. These are not the times for rushing into homeownership without serious thought....it's not so simple, anymore, as "just throwing it on the market" if things don't pan out between the two of you.

 

Just like I don't think that you quitting your job and staying home so he can take care of you is the next logical step....I think buying a house is just as premature. You don't need to buy house, you need to get into therapy. I really don't even think you need to go into couples therapy, because I think his communication/receptiveness is such, that if you were able to fine tune YOURS a bit, you may find that your communication struggles just melt away. I feel like there is a lot going on with you, though, that is prohibiting healthy communication and, really, prohibiting self awareness to the point that you're not even sure what you really want to communicate.

 

If you want my hunch....my hunch is that you have issues from your FIRST marriage, or your childhood, or maybe years as a single mom or something, that you're still hanging on to. Things you don't process and intentionally move out of your system, can sometimes move out on their own....but usually they stick around, form deep layers of "trash" that can really get in the way of healthy communication/behavior/being when you try to move on to new chapters of your life.

 

I think if you sat down with someone who was REALLY goal oriented (really, more of a therapist who life coaches - these are everywhere now!) you would discover that many of the things that drive you are leftovers from situations you have long been free of. You can release yourself from some of those things, you know? I think you have enough going on with you and are strongly motivated by jealousy and fear to the point that it would really behoove the both of you, for you to go and see what exactly is creating some of these fears. You could be fighting your ex-husband, your dad, your sister....loads of different people from various past situations...and not even know it.

 

What I mean, more simply put, is that while the situation you've described seems mighty frustrating and one that many people would find intolerable...the reason that some of these pretty simple to navigate issues are so completely enraging and maddening to the point of being emotionally crippling for you....could be because they are touching on old issues that haunt your emotional processing of current situations in your life.

 

Take for instance your running.....running, is a pretty classic "I'll leave you before you leave me" and/or "I'll leave you, if you love me, you'll chase me" .....which is also evident in other things you've posted "He made a small comment about his kids coming over (which touched on a deeper issue for me) and so I left (ran away - "fine! You obviously love them more, so I'll LEAVE!")...and didn't really explain myself to him in a way he could understand until he called me at home (chased me and proved that he loves me) and talked to me on the phone."

 

Many of the things you've said work in that same pattern. Something small happens that touches on a MAJOR insecurity...instead of asserting yourself, you need to run away, so he'll chase you and prove to you that he isn't leaving, that he loves you too, etc etc, Chasing = "no, don't go, I love you...come back, come back" - you are behaving in ways which feed your need for constant reassurance....do you see that?

 

This jealousy of the kids thing is interesting...because I think many people would feel like some of his behavior is TOO much.....but the fact that it turns you into this whining, fit throwing child...that means something. You're not just a whining, fit throwing little girl. I think you are a woman, who has some insecurity buried deep within her, that causes you to just LOSE IT in frantic fears of being abandoned, or pushed aside for someone else, or whatever. I mean...did you have a distant father who was hard to reach? Did your first husband cheat on you, even though you did everything you could to try and keep him happy and interested in you? Have you always just had a kind of low self esteem and maybe just a general sense that you weren't good enough or special enough? Any number of small or large things could be laying around under the surface here and causing some of these self esteem problems.

 

 

I mean, really look back at the posts you've written. "We're on our way to a party, having such a good time, and his daughter starts texting him!" - your mood instantly changes, you are sullen and sulky and mad....because "We just can't do ANYTHING without people texting him and NEEDING him" - this inability to stop small things from totally messing you up and changing your whole emotional space....that is an emotion regulation issue, my friend. The anger and jealousy you feel, which I do not believe is entirely based on what's actually happening in your relationship...wields a truly unhealthy amount of power over you....and when that anger comes and you feel powerless like that....it only triggers your response to do more things which cause chaos in your relationship, because things like running away, throwing a fit, etc...cause him to chase you and feed the need for reassurance AND create a situation where you've STOLEN BACK power over the situation using negative means. If the chaos is caused by YOU, YOU are exerting the power.

 

On some level, you do really feel pretty powerless, don't you.....really examine that, ask yourself, when you get so angry like that, he's getting these texts, you're just trying to have a good night, you're sinking and sinking deeper into feeling like all oft his is not even worth it, he obviously doesn't love you as much, why can't he just spend a little time with YOU, etc....don't you feel more and more powerless over your situation? You sound like you feel pretty damn powerless.

 

So...yeah. I'm seeing:

 

Running/disengaging - so you'll chase me, empower me, prove to me that you care and that you're not going to leave me or let me go.

Intense Jealousy - as a result of intense insecurity which may stem from any number of places.

Some pretty black and white thinking - one minute everything is great....next minute, after something small happens, everything is HORRIBLE there is nothing good at ALL.

 

I also see a lot of "look at my life, look at everything that is happening to me" - sp, a bit of "I'm a victim of my life" style thinking.

 

You need to be released from whatever is making you feel so powerless. You are actually REALLY powerful. The thing that sucks the most about being motivated by cripppling feelings of powerlessness, is that we tend to create situations that feed us small measures of empowerment which are not real or lasting....but in the long run, create fewer options for us in our relationships, which translates into less power over our lives....which ends up creating the very situations which reinforce that sense we have that everything is happening to us, people are great...until they just up and leave you, etc etc. But we can't see that we're a major part of the patterns which cause these situations to play out.

 

But the running thing is pretty clear to me. That's a control/power thing and a "if you love me, you won't let me go, you'll chase me.....and if you don't love me enough, you won't, but I LEFT YOU" - :power power, control control:. You see?

 

Only you can really figure out why you do these things....and I would be willing to bet that it would change your whole life if you did. When we are motivated by negative, fragmented energies, it tends to drive us toward negative, fragmented situations....because those are the situations we create.

 

Get your own ducks in a row before you do anything else. Once you figure out how much of this you need own and get a better sense of your own self....this won't feel the same way at all. You may look at this situation and, instead of seeing bratty, terrible grown children with a father who shamelessly spoils them....may see some kids who are pretty normal twenty-somethings with a father who, yeah, spends kind of cookoo money on them....but only because he's got a heart the size of the moon and is crazy in love with his kids. The best part is, when you get a good sense of what you really need to own in this situation, you'll get a better sense for what HE needs to own and you're communication will be fantastic because you'll be able to pin point exactly what needs to shift and the messages you send to him won't be confusing...it'll all make sense, because he'll be able to look at his mode of being and say "oh my gosh, she's right, I do that....I can't imagine how that's been making her feel!" - you know? Right now you are just throwing a jumbled mess of things that YOU do that you think HE does....plus things HE really DOES do and should own...plus, random emotion and a constant need for reassurance....it's just a lot. It's not clear and, therefore, cannot be productive....which only aggravates the issues.

 

When you love yourself and feel secure in his love for you.....his love for and desire to care for other people, won't make you feel LESS loved. You won't have this insecurity in your heart and that panicky feeling of being totally unheard won't come up on you and strangle you so that your words get stuck and you can't communicate with this very receptive man who sounds like he actually really does love you.

 

I really hope that this all works out for you, I would be willing to bet, that if you really look at this situation and the running you do and the insecurity...you can trace these things back through your life a long, long way. Go over, in your head, the fights you used to have with your ex....what were the words that came out of your mouth over and over again? Look at other relationships in your life, look for the sore spots in your memory bank....when have you been hurt, when did you feel small and out of control of your life? Just EXAMINE YOURSELF......

 

Look for patterns. Our own behavior and the patterns we create will always, EVERY TIME, burn like neon arrows in a night sky, and point directly at the things which lie beneath and trip us up every time. We are our own worst enemies. We humans are famous for self sabotage...and/or allowing other people to sabotage and/or exert negative control over us. We can also be really good and convincing ourselves that "it's not me, it's HIM!" or that "I wish there were something I could do about it, this person MAKES MY LIFE SUCK!" - look at a statement like that, count the number of times you've said it about your own situation "He does this and IT MAKES ME ______" - look at the amount of power you give up, when you create a situation where someone else can do something small and, by itself, not in any way malicious....and everything falls apart for you. Yer leakin' power, self control and emotional self regulation like a leaky pipe!!!

 

 

You can do this. The best thing about it is....it doesn't matter if things DO fall apart with this man. If you do the work on yourself, YOU NEVER LOSE THAT. You carry your emotional health and self esteem with you EVERYWHERE YOU GO....if he leaves you, if you leave him....doesn't matter, YOU are still whole. YOU can avoid a situation like this in the future and YOU can be happy, feel good about yourself and squarely in a position of power in your own life.

 

You are the captain of your own ship. You are on this journey to live and learn about the universe and be happy. You don't get a prize in the end, for being a martyr or staying unhappy...this life, your every waking moment, IS the prize. LIVE IT WELL!!

 

not properly edited. innocent.gif


Edited by BroodyWoodsgal - 12/13/11 at 5:25am
post #28 of 36
Thread Starter 

Again feeling bad, seems like nothing will change. Where I from the weather is crazy bad tonight. His daughter wanted him to make her special dish tonight and he did. Now he's driving 30 mintues to bring it to her, in the worst weather in a long time. Soooooooooo I 'm home alone and praying he's going to be okay. IDk anymore sick of complaing, need to do something. Sure He's a GREAT DADDY yea I get it, and really can be a great husband. But ......wish he was here with me tonight

post #29 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by amicrazy View Post

Again feeling bad, seems like nothing will change. Where I from the weather is crazy bad tonight. His daughter wanted him to make her special dish tonight and he did. Now he's driving 30 mintues to bring it to her, in the worst weather in a long time. Soooooooooo I 'm home alone and praying he's going to be okay. IDk anymore sick of complaing, need to do something. Sure He's a GREAT DADDY yea I get it, and really can be a great husband. But ......wish he was here with me tonight



It really does seem like he goes over the top to please them. I'm sorry you're alone and worried, that's awful. Have you made any progress in terms of sorting out where you are and meeting him in a positive place so you can begin moving forward? I really do believe that you finding someone, a therapist/life coach, could make all the difference for you.

 

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets any better at all...but sometimes, you know, if you really are trying and you can't seem to make anything "click", it's because it's just not going to. I still highly recommend that you do as much as you can to get on top of sorting out your own issues, you may be surprised at how far that brings you in advocating for your needs and helping him to see the folly in some of what he does. Or, it may just help you to see that this relationship isn't going to work and isn't what you need in your life. Take care of yourself. heartbeat.gif

post #30 of 36
Thread Starter 

I can't help but feel always left out. Although, he always includes me in everything he does with his kids I can't bring myself to do so. Just the other night his girls were both at his house, just dictating to him what he needs to do for their brother. And MOM said Tell your Daddy to do this and that. Im like what the hell. Then they sat around like two little girls telling there daddy how they need this and that. And you ask the question does he do things for me? Yea but not half as much as he does for them. Instead of our life getting easier I see it getting harder. You think the older they get the less he needs to do for them, but I see it only getting worst. I feel like my husband is just to busy for me, and I'm sorry if things would of been different and we would of all messed together as a family I'm so I would feel different today.I would be happy to be around them, and not run evertime they go to his house. Which its a almost everyday thing. Last night I was with my husband at his house, his son calls "Hey dad I'm on my way to your house to watch the game". Well there goes our night by ourself. So I left. Tonight all three are going over because his cooking. I keep telling him (and maybe I'm TOTALLY WRONG HERE) that the only person who would love to see them everday is YOUR EX WIFE THERE MOTHER. I truly dont think any other women would want this either. Maybe if they were some what pleasant ADULTS it would be different, but I work and pay my on way. It's hard for me to hear how daddy still takes care of them. I wish someone would take some of my struggles away. I know alot of husbands that do that.

 

post #31 of 36
Honestly? This sounds awfully petty. You've somehow turned it into a competition between your husband's kids and you, and you know what? If you make it that way, YOU WILL LOSE. And you're wrong - their mom is not the only person who'd like to see the kids on a daily basis. Their DAD clearly does, too. And what's wrong with that? If your husband basically said "your kids are over here too much, it's them or me," nobody here would blink an eye if you told him to pack up and go. He's a parent, too. He loves his kids, too. There is nothing wrong with his wanting to maintain a close relationship with his children.

And I'm a little baffled why you're keeping a financial tally. You went into this marriage with your eyes wide open: you signed a pre-nup, you moved into his existing house, you had separate bank accounts and kept finances that way. It's not like he's leaving you to cover all your joint bills alone so he can fund his kids' lives... He's managing his share of your agreed-upon split expenses, and using his discretionary income however he sees fit. I might have more sympathy if this had come as a surprise, but again: this is how you two agreed to make it from the beginning, why are you suddenly expecting him to "take care of you" to prove he loves you?

I think you need to check the giant chip on your shoulder and stop thinking about it like it's a competition. Stop running from your husband, stop sulking when things don't go the way you want them and express your needs clearly and calmly. Why don't you suggest a scheduled "date night," one night each week that will be just the two of you. No kids, no work, no cell phones. Make it clear to the kids that Wednesday nights are now date night and they're welcome to come by any other night but that. Make sure your husband is on board and will enforce your alone time. wink1.gif

Otherwise, I agree with pretty much everything broodywoodsgal has said. Start with yourself, and the rest will fall into place.
post #32 of 36

I can imagine, that part of the reason your DHs kids are so miserable for you to be around, is because they dislike you....because you dislike them so much. Which started first, I couldn't say....but the fact that you married someone who has a lifestyle that you find so completely uncomfortable, makes me imagine that a lot of this dysfunction belongs to you. It's probably a pretty big bummer to have a step mother who hates you no matter what you do...you know? Any healthy person is going to stop trying, past a certain point, to make someone who is going to be unhappy no matter what, happy and comfortable. I know it feels like you have good reason to feel such contempt for them....but honey, I'll say it again: were I you, I wouldn't feel comfortable with near ANY assessments that you've made of this relationship or the people involved. I'm sorry, I'm not saying "doubt yourself" - but I would certainly be taking second looks at things and reserving my judgement until I was involved in some type of meaningful therapy work with someone qualified. I know you can't see what I'm talking about...I'm asking you to trust me, as someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by telling you all of this. Your perception is so skewed, I think, that you should really remain open to making new assessments after you've done some work to figure out where your head is and why.

 

 

You really didn't even need to spell any of this out in your first post, before you started throwing up red flags...look at the title to your thread:

 

"Step children are ruining my life"

 

Read that over and over again. Who says something like that? Someone in control of her life, with clear boundaries and expectations...with a good marriage and strong communication skills with her partner?? Probably not. Someone who feels empowered in her life and recognizes that only she can make or break her experience on this earth?? No. That's definitely not someone who makes a statement like that.

 

"Step children are ruining my life"  - your step children require your complete cooperation, to achieve that level of power in your life.

 

 

Read it again: Your step children require your complete cooperation, to achieve this level of power in your life.

 

There is only so much power that CAN be had, over your life. In order for them to posses MORE of it than you, you must GIVE it to them. You empower forces, situations and people outside of yourself FAR too much. Please go see someone, who can help you to understand why you do this and can arm you with the tools you need to take this power back and start using it to control your life and steer it in healthier directions. This change in your life, "taking back your power" - will not be aggressive, it will not entail yelling or force or anything "fierce" like that. It will happen almost instantly, upon your realization of the fact that you really do do this and your understanding of the underlying reasons why you do it. This change will be calm, it will feel relaxed and peaceful. Every relationship in your life will change for the better, when you become empowered in your own life.

 

Seriously. I say this as someone who used to have the exact same problem. Many, many people have this problem....you NEED to fix this mode of being. You **will not** be happy in this relationship or any other (or alone, for that matter) until you get this figured out and start living for YOU and understanding yourself better.

 

I'm seriously serious...you REALLY need to go do some work with someone. THe work I did changed my life forever. I do not give my power away any more. Ever. I'm extremely powerful in my own life, I'm honest with myself and I understand myself and my relationships with intense clarity. Please, find someone who is trained for therapy...but who does more "life coaching therapy" than "talk" therapy. Someone who is more goal oriented....someone who will help you to see your patterns and bust through them.

 

 

 

post #33 of 36
Thread Starter 

I really don't think I have a chip on my shoulder. Im going to back up to the begining. I was married to an abusive man both verbally and physically. To me and my three children. I felt like I had no way out, no money or place to go. Finally I got out browed money from my parents, and left. My life was happy just me and my kids. I met my husband (now husband) about one year after my divorce. I didn't want a relashionship, but it happen. I saw what a wonderful daddy he was, and thought this is a wonderful man. Being my kids father was absent from their lives, I thought how wondeful if he could love my kids. He treated my kids very well in the begining. I totally understand he would never love them like his own, but just to have a possitive role model in their lives. After dating a year and half my husband proposed to me. He mentioned me signing a pre-nup.Mentioned maybe once or twice in our almost 2 years relasionship. We then stayed engaged for 6 months before getting married. 2 days before we flew to our wedding destanation, he bought me to his attorney's office (apologizing the entire way) to sign a pre-nup. I was hurt not for the fact I wasn't going to get and thing. But like WOW I felt our marriage was doomed then. I was hurt but I sign. My husband has a very good business. I would never expect any of it or nor would I want it so I signed. After getting back from our honeymoon me and my kids moved in. Then the fun began, his daughter at the time 16 was totally out of control. (drugs, stealing, in trouble with the law many of times). I stood by my husband and tried to help her in a possitive way. I never fussed at her just tried to be her friend. (not her mother) Would invite her every where I went she never wanted to come. But I thought poor baby she's going through alot with a new family moving in her space. I had a little dead end job, and being paid 0 in child support. But managed to pay for me and my kids cell phones, and car insurance. My two older children (in high school at the time) were great kids invovled in sports, good grades just really good kids. While his daugther same age as mine was totally out of control. When she would come home all drugged up I would take care of her, while my husband completly egnored that fact. Well I hit hard times and could afford my kids phone bills. Sure they don't need them but it was a piece of mind for me to beable to talk to them. I was tolded by my husband he would pay for mine, but my kids would have to work around the house, and do chores for theirs. Well before that happen I landed a really great paying job, but I would have to work out of town. I did it for two years, only coming home on the weekend. In the begining, my kids stayed with my husband. After a very short time I was getting phone calls from my kids, how mean my husband was being to them. Nit picking. Which his daughter had no chores to do, and got a brand new car (doing her drug addition). By daughter moved out with friends busting her butt working. The boys stayed. Then one day my husband call and tell me the boys didn't do the dishes, so I left them a note that they need to go live with their daddy. My kids never talk to their Daddy. After that we got in a huge fight, and my kids started staying at my sister.house  All in all my youngest son suffered from this. At the age of 16 he was pretty much living from house to house. So I could work to provide for me and my kids. My daughter then in colledge, my older grad. from high school, they all needed money. He moved his daughter in her own home, and is still in colledge today. She has straighten up ALOT. God bless her. I feel if I had the chance to stay home to raise my son none this would of had to him. So this is pretty much my struggle. It's been 5 years, and I guess the anger is just building up for me now. My son has completly been kicked out of school, and will have to take his GED. I never thought I would go through this with my son he was always so loving. I just wished my husband would of given me the chance to stay home and finish raising him. I could of, but would of not had anything. Couldn't stand the fact that my kids would of had nothing, (what kids have today) I thought my husband would of treated my kids equal with his, I really didn't expect that much for them. (not as much as what he gave his) but just helped them out. Until I could pick up the bills again. ANd look he would of, but knowing my husband he would of stayed on their butts 24/7 for it. I didn't want to put myself or my kids through it. After all what his daughter put us all through, if my kids eyes would blink a certain way he was their to fuss at them. Never his own. Now for the most part we dont' have that struggle with her, but I hold a lot of resentment (for husband) because of this. Beinging a Great Daddy made me fall in love with thim, in hopes he would take the place of my kids daddy. That sure didn't work. Not even finacially but just as a father fiqure.

post #34 of 36

Time to borrow money from your parents again and leave.You tried. The prenup would have been the trigger for me to move on. You still gave it a chance.Better to admit  it is not working out and leave.You and the kids will be happier alone.Staying would be worse that leaving.

post #35 of 36

I'm totally agree.  It's time to part the waters and start a new.  I'm currently experiencing a similiar situation with my husband and step daughter so I feel your pain.  My husband started off as a good father and over time has proven to be far from that. If you've given it all you've got, now it's time to enjoy the latter parts of your life. Maybe your husband will see where he has failed you and the relationship can be savored.  I tell myself this daily "what's life without laughter" and "what's family without love".  Good luck to you. 

post #36 of 36
Thread Starter 

Well I posted that post sometime back, but not much has really changed. I'm still with him fighting o the same fight. It's really hard when you truly love each other. I've learn to deal with it a little better, I guess. I was glad to see that I'm not crazy, that there is other women out there that feel the same way. My advice would have to be, (Think this is what helped me). I pretty much would leave or had an excuse every time one of his kids would come to visit. I started (making myself) stay and visit with them, and you know it wasn't so bad. But there was moments about what DADDY needs to do for them, and how wonderful there Mom is. That was hard but I'm still here with him. Moved back in with him about 4 months ago. We still argue about the same shit, nothing will change until I do something about it Im just going to suck it up, and tell myself They Are His Children.

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