Hurt by Best Friend

[joanielspeak]

My best friend has really gotten excited about me being pregnant. He is gay, has a good job, and is in a stable relationship so he is really on board with starting a family and seemed really happy for my husband and I. He insisted on taking me to one of my prenatal appointments (though we had to take my car because his was almost out of gas and instead of talking to me in the waiting room, he texting all his other friend about how he was sitting at a doctor's office with his pregnant best friend. We then went to lunch after the appointment where I was upset because I was re-diagnosed with bacterial vaginosis again, and he insisted that we split the $12 check? Not that I expected him to pay for my lunch, but if the table was turned I would have bought his) and he has been talking non-stop about looking at baby clothes and about the arrival of my little one. Before I got pregnant (he knew we were going to start trying soon) he demanded that I let him throw me a baby shower as soon as I knew I was pregnant. I let him know the day I found out and just assumed he was planning something. A few months later my mom asked me what I wanted to do about a baby shower and I told her about my best friend's wishes. She called him and he never called her back so she, my sister, and I kind of planned it ourselves (it is a duel baby shower for myself and my sister who is 5 weeks behind me in her pregnancy). It is a pretty fancy venue with a $30/plate holiday tea and luncheon. My sister spared no expense on anything for it.

Well, the shower is this Saturday and my mom and I were discussing the guest list (best friend was invited, RSVPed yes and seemed, again, excited). I was telling her how excited I was to see what my best friend was going to get us. He has been going on and on about the nursery and how happy he is for us, I guess I just assumed he was excited about the shower, though he dropped the ball on the promise of throwing the shower himself. My mom, trying to be an optimist, assured me that he was probably going to get us something really nice (my friend is like a second son to my mom. We have been friends since we were 12). 

Well, he just messaged me on Facebook asking if it was ok to not bring a gift to the shower. I was kind of confused because he mentioned me saying a month or so ago (when asked what I wanted for Xmas) that I wanted baby stuff for Xmas. He they asked if it was ok to just give me my shower gift for Xmas. I said, I guess that was fine, but then he clarified that I would be receiving my shower gift as my Xmas present. So I guess he was planning on just not giving us a shower gift at all.

I mean, I don't want to sound greedy or anything, but what the heck? Does this seem like odd behavior? Oh yes, he will certainly come to an expensive luncheon to be fed but he won't bring a gift for his best friend and her first child? I already feel bad that I couldn't help my sister and mom with the shower expenses (money is really tight for my husband and I right now) but now I am really embarrassed that he's coming with no gift for me or even my sister (he knows her just as well as me!) The guest list had to be small for the venue (<30 people for 2 new moms) and my sister had to not invite one of her friends so that I could include him. Now I feel like he has been so rude and impolite about everything that I don't even want him there. Is it wrong that I feel that way? 

Needless to say, when my mom found out, she was less than enthused and a little hurt by his behavior. 

I guess I just needed to vent. He hasn't really been the best of friends over the years, but I really thought he was excited about the baby. I'm just kind of hurt and embarrassed over all this.

[Rani]

I may be hard hearted but I would address this with him. I would say pretty much exactly what you say here to us.  That you are hurt and don't understand. Could it be he is having money troubles?  And is too embarrassed to say?  Or, I hate to say it, the glory of being a preggos bff has worn off?

Im so sorry this happened to you. It sucks.  If it were me, I would tell him to not worry about shower or xmas gifts if its that much trouble. 

Rani

[Right of Passage]

I also think it sounds like he's having money troubles but is too embarassed to say.

[joanielspeak]

I would think that too if he didn't spend every weekend driving to designer outlets to spend his entire pay check. Just last month he bought a Burberry iPad case because it was "on sale" ($350).

He doesn't even have an iPad.

[hildare]

it does sound like he's having financial difficulty.  i would think though, that having him come to the shower would be enough?  maybe i just see things differently, though.  i don't care about people giving me stuff.  i don't necessarily believe that polite = gift giving, you know?  plus.. nothing to be embarrassed about.  it's a shower.  for you.  (and your sister) so, you should have your friend there if you want him to be there... 

[Mizelenius]

I think he has money problems for sure-- car being out of gas, not wanting to plan the shower (he might have thought it would cost him more than just being there), gift issues . . .I am not saying he is WISE about money, but I guess (for me) friends and family are never about gifts or spending money in order to spend time together.  Like hildare, I don't think politeness has anything to do with money.  He sounds like he has really good intentions, but maybe is immature about his money, feels guilty, and then can't/won't pay, but not because of anything personal with you.

The thing that would annoy me would be the texting instead of talking.  Talking is free.   Instead, I'd find ways to hang out that are free/very low-cost, and I wouldn't talk about the baby during those times either.  Baby talk gets boring pretty fast.  Find ways to reconnect and remember why you two are friends vs. having any sort of expectations that are related to money in any way.

I may be the odd one, but I dislike getting gifts in general for myself.  I registered for my shower but didn't tell anyone . . .frankly, I'd rather just have a party and hang out. 

OOPS!  I had no idea I was dd crashing!  I thought this was the general PG board!  Sorry about that!!!!

[Adaline'sMama]

Honestly, I have to say, I doubt he will be your best friend much longer. I say this only from my own experience, but I had two best friends who pretty much did the exact same thing the first time I was pregnant.

Best friend #1 was so excited when I told her I was pregnant that she cried and gave me huge hugs and demanded to throw the baby shower and talked on and on about how she was going to go shopping that weekend and she was going to spoil my baby rotten. She never threw me a shower, she did buy stuff for the baby but not nearly as much as she stated, and she pretty much acts like my kid is an inconvenience every time we go out to eat or get together. She has ZERO financial problems, plenty of money, and I try really hard not to do to much baby talk around her, but we just dont live the same lives anymore, you know? I'm really glad that I didnt ask her to be my kid's godmother like she insisted because I would have been so disappointed. We still talk on the phone (she calls me after she's had a few or when she needs to talk), we still see each other, and she still calls me her BFF, but its nothing like it was before.

Best friend #2 was so excited that when I told her I was expecting she wanted to fly to my place and stay with me for a week after the baby was born. I was stoked! Never happened, in fact she let me go because she had another call coming in when I called her from the delivery room to tell her DD had been born. We talk, text, and email, but its never been the same since I had a kid.

Having kids really changes almost everything about your life, and IME, BFF's who dont have kids/ arent really looking towards having kids in the near future go on with their lives doing all the things that they did before you had a kid and it seems like your life is both staying the same and changing in huge, huge ways and things are just different. One of my oldest friends and I reconnected when I was pregnant and she has really stepped up and filled a spot that I had missing with my other two friends kind of fading into the background, so its worked out- but I really miss my friendship with the other two (especially #2, as she was also my childhood best friend). One day, those ladies will likely have kids and we will be close again, but right now I have very little to offer them and they have very little to offer me(you know, aside from great memories and knowing each other like no one else in the world.)