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- topicGentle Discipline
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Just caught DD STOMPING the cat. - Page 2post #21 of 2712/11/11 at 9:36amMods, please remove that nasty post! It has been up for over 16 hours and has been reported multiple times!post #22 of 2712/11/11 at 9:46ampost #23 of 2712/11/11 at 10:17ampost #24 of 2712/11/11 at 12:49pmpost #25 of 2712/11/11 at 2:02pmQuote:Originally Posted by joensally
IMO, when kids have self-regulation issues, GD looks a bit different. Think of it this way - she has not yet developed the internal abilities to navigate her world. While she's developing them, she needs external supports (scaffolding). This can all be provided gently and empathetically, but it may include a bit more structure and direction than you'd envisioned. I am ambivalent about reward systems and avoid them when possible. But kids who are struggling to learn something may need external motivators to keep them moving forward, and the hope is that it becomes a habit.
She is not happy when she's out of regulation and melting down. She is not happy when she knows she's upset you. She needs extra help to learn these skills.
I would go back and indicate that she needs OT. A child's development is not entirely predictable, and what was true for her before (only needs social group) may not be true for her now.
I would second this -- one of the ways you know you have a 'special needs' child is when the traditional discipline doesn't work. I used to scoff at people when they said "Oh, I don't teach my child politeness. I'd never tell them to say "please" and "thank you", they just learn it from hearing us use it." Hah! Not my son. He needed social behaviors explicitly described and modeled. For heaven's sake the child needed to be SHOWN how to hug me! He's not on the autism spectrum, but he's a huge introvert and has sensory issues (mostly avoidance). He needed overt, explicit instruction. He's 10 now and his social development is on track. But it took some overt teaching by us and the school to get him there.
. And then along came dd -- her 2nd word was "please"! I rarely had to do more than raise an eyebrow at a particular moment to get the politeness words out. A lot of things were like that: potty training, getting dressed, learning new skills. Ds needed/needs explicit instruction and expectations. He's the poster child for a rewards chart. Dd is internally motivated to learn these skills. She's the poster child for why rewards charts don't work with all kids. She could care less about the reward. Having dd was also reassuring in that it showed me that my parenting wasn't inherently flawed. Ds was just different.
I would also second the OT -- if you can't afford it and your insurance won't provide it, then I'd highly recommend: The Out of Sync Child Has Fun, Raising a Sensory Smart Child and Sensational Kids. All have very practical ideas about how to set up a sensory diet. OT made a huge difference for our son. I hadn't realized it, but he was selectively mute before OT. He's still quiet, but he talks outside the home. I did a little happy dance when his K teacher got upset because he was talking too much to his friend during rest time. (I'm sure she thought I was nuts!) Even today, he NEEDS heavy work to feel better. I encouraged him and his sister to wrestle and tackle each other in the living room yesterday because he clearly needed some heavy work, and I was grading papers. Winter is hard on him because he gets less outside time.
Can you get a little mini trampoline for jumping (you can get cheap ones off of Craigslist for $10-$15 from people who thought they'd use them for exercise and now want them gone)? Give her a small backpack with a book or two to carry around for a bit. Have her help carry the laundry or the groceries.
Finally, I'd say that when our son was out of control, he needed me to go away. My presence simply upset him more. So, we'd put him in his room and go in an connect when he was done. You'll have to experiment with what works for your daughter. Our daughter needs us to be there; our son needs his space.post #26 of 2712/11/11 at 4:14pm
Lynn and I are singing from the same song sheet.
It's interesting about the proximity thing. DD needed proximity (she LOST it if she was put in her room, like throwing up lost it - that isn't a consequence, it's cruel). DS was better about being away from us, but I could get him to get it together faster with proximity. But this was all after I figured out how to avoid a lot of the mayhem, and to intervene before they went into rabid hysteria.
When DS got physical before I could get there, I calmly removed him saying "no hitting, you need to move away from her." You have to be really, really calm, and you need to be very directive.
What are you doing prior to her losing it? Are you working on avoidance? For a kid without self-control, it's over once they've lost it. There is no teaching them to behave better while they're raging. You have to avoid it, work to de-escalate them when you can see it building, but once they've lost it, forget about it. Then it's just about bandaging the wounded and de-briefing where you talk about future strategies and get them to apologize/repair the relationship. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
If you are working methodically to preempt the violent behaviour and it's still happening more than randomly, you need to go get another eval. Kids are developing constantly, and what was true last year may not be true currently. Is she in preschool?Quote:I would second this -- one of the ways you know you have a 'special needs' child is when the traditional discipline doesn't work
This is so true.post #27 of 2712/11/11 at 4:17pm
Oh, and complete this online and send it to the ped. It's an ages and stages questionnaire and will indicate where she has developmental lags. Tell the waitlist folks what's happening in terms of her violence with you, her sister and the cats.
- Just caught DD STOMPING the cat.
- Playful Parenting, Simplicity Parenting or Full-tilt Ferber?
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