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Anyone have a family member that was not exactly over joyed at the news?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 

We are planning on telling people about this baby in our Christmas card. However, last night I was talking to my mom and I accidently slipped the news that I am pregnant. I said, oops you were suppose to find out in our Christmas card. And she said well I am glad I am prepared now. Then, she kind of laughed and said she was glad it was me and not her. I asked her why she did not seem very excited. She said she did not realize we were going to have more children. This is baby #4. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have a 15 year old, a 6 year old and a 19 month old. We are college educated, we are financially stable and we are good parents so I don't know why my mom is not more excited. It really hurt my feelings.

 

Anyone else with less than supportive family members?

 

 

post #2 of 24

sorry to hear about that reaction. So far we've had good ones. But I have experienced that in the past with my own parents. In fact, my mom was downright rude most of the pregnancy that I almost cut her off from talking to me until the baby was born. People have a hard time seeing past their own thoughts/feelings etc.

 

We're excited for you here on this board though! Babies are wonderful!!! joy.gif CONGRATULATIONS!!

post #3 of 24

My family will be less than supportive... I'm keeping it secret for as long as I can. This is my 6th... many people don't understand large families or why anybody would want so many children.

post #4 of 24

I'm so sorry that you won't have support from your families, ladies. That makes me really angry and sad. Regardless of their personal beliefs on what is the "appropriate" family size, they are still your families and should still be there for you. angry.gif

post #5 of 24

Congrats!  I am very sorry to hear about that reaction from your family.  I really don't understand it.  

 

post #6 of 24

I'm a little scared to tell my family.  I'm thinking I will keep it under wraps until at least 13-14 weeks, but we'll see?  I feel like the further along I am, the easier it will be for her to get excited somehow.  But perhaps I'm just nervous to tell her because of my own hesitancy.  Some days I'm pretty worried myself about how we'll handle #3!! 

 

Sorry to hear that your mom was more surprised than excited.  It's hard enough to embark on another round of parenthood without support of family.

post #7 of 24

I have had experience with it in the past. My mom really doesn't like DH because she is a narcissist and since she didn't pick him he there-fore sucks. Anyway, her first reaction with our first was, "Oh, was it planned?" (this was after we were married) and then she found out I was 10 weeks and said, "Well, why didn't you tell me earlier?!" Our first ended up being stillborn and as I am pushing her out in delivery she says to my MIL, "Just think, she will probably having another one around this time last year." Yeah, we don't talk to her anymore.....

post #8 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post

I have had experience with it in the past. My mom really doesn't like DH because she is a narcissist and since she didn't pick him he there-fore sucks. Anyway, her first reaction with our first was, "Oh, was it planned?" (this was after we were married) and then she found out I was 10 weeks and said, "Well, why didn't you tell me earlier?!" Our first ended up being stillborn and as I am pushing her out in delivery she says to my MIL, "Just think, she will probably having another one around this time last year." Yeah, we don't talk to her anymore.....



Wow - that is crazy. Sorry for your loss and for your mom's insensitivity. hug2.gif

And just for the record, I'm very happy you're pregnant!

post #9 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Demeter~ View Post

My family will be less than supportive... I'm keeping it secret for as long as I can. This is my 6th... many people don't understand large families or why anybody would want so many children.

A close friend of mine is expecting her 6th also. I was the first person she told and she expressed her concern about the people who will be negative. Some were people she's known for years (who I've met and CAN'T stand) and her mother's girlfriend.

So far my husband's and my family have been excited for us. Of anyone has some negative to say, it will be my aunt (4 years older than me) who thinks everything is a fight.
post #10 of 24

We haven't announced yet this time, but with our first there was silence at the other end of the phone when we told my in-laws. She was a wedding night baby so no one was expecting us to get pregnant that fast. I think they'll be fine this time though. My parents have 9 kids and it's amazing what people will say without thinking.

post #11 of 24

Thanks WIllovia!

 

Demeter...I have no idea why people have such a negative reaction to large families. I hope to have a large family and 2 of my friends have 4 kids and are still expanding.

 

We haven't announced yet. I thought about it when I was at a family get together last weekend but I felt like people would've been faking excitement for the most part, except for DD's godparents and my IL's, since this is our third. I haven't really decided when or how to do it but my belly may not let me hide it for long.

post #12 of 24

We had been married over a year with our first, so when we made the announcement my MIL asked me "Was this a surprise??"  lol

 

I purposely got pregnant with our 2nd when DS1 was 9 months, so in response to that announcement there was dead silence. They didn't acknowledge the pregnancy at all, and DS2 was a few months old before they really showed any affection for him.

With my third pregnancy, they seemed more resigned to the fact.  But when MIL asked if we were going to have more and I said "Well, I think I'd like at least one more" She responded with "But what does your husband think??".

 

So annoying, I was only speaking for myself, and I hate that she implies that it's all my plan and I'm leading DH down the garden path. He's wants another baby just as much or more than me! 

Anyway, there's my release of negativity :)

 

My side of the family is much more encouraging and understanding. So I will focus on that :)

post #13 of 24

Tizzy, my mom said the same thing about my first pregnancy. She doesn't like DH for some reason so I think she was thinking that I got myself stuck with him now...(bitch~(((whispered under my breathe)))))

post #14 of 24

This is exactly why I haven't told my parents yet.. they were not happy about the first 2 pregnancies.  We were just in a pretty bad financial situation so I think she will ask about that. Thankfully, my partner just got a part time job that will be a huge pay raise (it will almost triple our income, it's seriously a miracle) so I am going to tell them about that first. lol. They also know I am often overwhelmed with my 2 kids, but honestly that's been getting better. They've been playing together independently and letting me get a lot done, it's awesome.  Sooo I might have to mention that in another conversation, before the pregnancy conversation happens. I am still going to be dreading the conversation. I wish I never had to tell them.

post #15 of 24

My MIL's reaction - OH NO!

post #16 of 24

I talked about my partner's new job for almost a whole month before telling my parents. My 5 year old wanted to be the one to tell them, and my mom was so mad  that she just said "I have to go... bye" and basically hung up on my 5 yr old. Then she acted like it never happened for about a week. When my daughter brought it up again, my mom seemed upset again, and my poor daughter could clearly see it and said "don't you like having grandkids? don't you like me and my brother?" It was heartbreaking.  Then I got a voice message from my mom saying "you need to call you father, he wishes to speak with you."  Like I'm a little kid in trouble right? I didn't call because it didn't sound like it was worth the stress. So tonight I got a nasty email from my dad.   A couple things he said:

 

"" I thought you were
> going to concentrate on your health issues once (youngest child) was somewhat
> independent.   I don't see that happening now, and your long-term health is
> questionable to say the least. ""

 

I honestly don't know what to think about this...he sounds like he thinks I'm dying. I have a fracture in my tibia thats not healing, it's not a big deal, it's been stable for years and I have a metal rod in it. I can walk on it just fine.  I also have leaky gut and yeast overgrowth issues from taking a lot of antibiotics from when the bone was infected. I'm working with a really smart doctor on both issues and we;re making good progress. I am not too worried about. It's curable and I'm already healing.  Apparently he thinks it's very serious? idk...

 

also:  "Living on the edge of poverty, with no plan for
> that to change, and having major unresolved health issues indicates to us
> that you are not thinking about what is in the best interest of the children
> you already have OR those yet to be born."

 

I guess he didn't listen to all the times I mentioned the great job that was started a month ago.  We're not even close to poverty level now. The job pays $100/hour and even though it's part time it's more than enough to cover our expenses and have plenty left over.   

 

Sorry about this complaining.. It's just so upsetting and I don't know who to talk to about it. I don't think I will be talking to them for awhile.  His closing line of the email is "you have a difficult road to travel now, and it just got a lot tougher."  Uhhh.. thanks dad? I don't want this kind of negativity in my life.

 

My partner and I are not worried about this baby at all. We were charting to avoid so this was a surprise- we did plan on getting me healthier and getting our finances in really good shape before having another baby- but somehow this happened. We aren't upset. We have room for another baby, the other 2 kids are getting so much easier  now that they are more independent, we can provide for another baby, I feel like our life and relationship is very stable, etc. We're both excited.  It wasn't the plan but it's definitely not a big deal like my dad makes it sound like. 

 

So again, sorry for the rant. Just so upsetting. What would you guys do? Just not talk to them for awhile?  We live pretty far apart and only visit a couple times a year, so avoiding them is easy.  The hardest part will be that my 5 year old and my mom are very close.

post #17 of 24

SomethingAnonymous - Wow. You have a lot on your plate. I'm so sorry that your family is being so negative to you! Personally, I would avoid them, but when you throw kids in the mix, it's a little different. Have you told them how their response made you feel? I really think (from a therapeutic point of view) that would be helpful to you. It would help you work through some of the anger that you are feeling towards them. 

 

Your dad must be unable to confront you personally to send you an email about how he feels. He might not be ready to talk to you about it, so maybe you can send him an email back? Or, you can be a bigger person than him and call him directly. It's gonna take some courage to do (confrontation isn't my strong suite), but like I said earlier, I think it would be better for your mental health. Right now you and your new baby are the most important things to thing about and stress isn't helpful to either.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make and whatever you decide to do! You have support here!

post #18 of 24

Wow.  I would be really tempted to write back something like "Last time I checked I was an adult and don't need your permission to make major decisions that affect my family and NOT YOU.  Since our life choices and (for some of us) very existence is obviously so stressful and upsetting to you I will do you a favor and not bother you from this point on."  Or mention "yes, my road is not easy but it would be a lot easier if I had support from my parents instead of disapproval and tut tutting over something I can't change."

 

I mean, what are you supposed to do?  You can't un-do getting pregnant.  You are the parents and you decide whether or not you can "handle" something.

post #19 of 24

SomethingAnonymous: I have parents who don't agree with the choices I've made and I've had to make peace with the fact that I can't make them understand. It sounds like your parents might be similarly intractable. My advice is to work on your own response to them because you are not going to be able to change their minds. Find a way to accept the fact that these are the parents you have, and while they clearly love you they just aren't able to be who you need them to be. Allow yourself to grieve for that, and then try to forgive them. It's sad for them that they can't see what an incredibly strong and capable daughter they raised. Avoid the ugly topics in your dealings with them, and try to find other ways to connect. Make sure you give yourself lots of love and acceptance, since you don't get it from them.

post #20 of 24

Thank you all, it means a lot to hear your kind and supportive words.  I did send an email back, clarifying the couple things he is really mistaken about, and basically just told them I am disappointed they are not supportive.  You're right that they won't change; I've known it for awhile. 

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