9 year old DD still tantrums, refuses to do chores

[FrodoLives!]

We've tried suspending privileges, sending her to her room, grounding her.  When she is reminded of a chore she has to do, she will fake illness or injury, take a sudden interest in her homework, or claim to be hungry or too tired.  Invariably it will escalate into a tantrum.  It doesn't help her teenage brother eggs her on.  The family is also adjusting to the addition of my fiance, and that may be exacerbating the situation, but the behavior has been going on longer than he's been with us.  I've tried lowering my voice in response to her screaming, or wordlessly escorting her to her room, but nothing is working.  What can we do?

[abeliamama]

My eleven year old used to do that but it has gotten better. Now we get "in a minute, I'm doing "X" and she then needs several reminders.

Have you tried sitting down with her (hopefully when you are both in a pretty good mood!) and saying something like this:

"In our family everyone has to pitch in to get things done. It isn't fair for us to do all of the work, and you are old enough and capable of helping. Let's brainstorm and come up with ideas for making the chores a better experience for you. "

You would still be saying- you have to do chores-but maybe a small adjustment in the process would empower her.

And then truly listen to what she has to say. Write down all of the ideas even if they seem far fetched. And then work together to figure out why she is balking. At the least she will know you care how she feels. Maybe it will help. It certainly can't hurt.

Good luck!

[meemee]

first i recognize that dd has problems with taking care of her things. she needs reminders. putting her plate away, towel goes back in the bathroom, put your hw away. she is the kind who gets an idea and totally forgets what she is doing now. 

second we have had the talk. about a lot of things in life. but the principle is the same. there are a lot of things we'd rather not do. its boring and terrible. and i get that. i hate that too. but its something we have to do. there is no two ways about it. whether we like it or not. 

i make a lot of requests. and its not imperative that dd do it NOW. or even do it. its a choice. and her reasons are all acceptable to me - even excuses. she has the right to say - because i dont feel like it. 

but then there are some commands. and there is no two ways about it. a command is a command. 

however i frame it in a particular manner - it would really help if you <request> as i have so much to do and need help. i've been doing this since she was little. so she is used to this method now. all i do is ask for help and she complies.

when i make a request though, unless its a cry for help which means NOW, i give specific instructions that she needs to do it by such and such time. would that work for her?

there are some tasks she absolutely HATES. like picking up her stuff or getting her things organized. so we work on that together. other 'duties' she does on her own - dishes, laundry, etc. 

or she will say ok i will do this part of the chore, can you do that part. sometimes my answer is yes, sometimes no. if its a no i give an explanation. 

we saw the excuses when she was around 6. 

i think the one talk with dd that has made a huge impact in every part of her life and really changed her attitude is the - sometimes life sucks talk. that i dont really want to do it, but i have to. a big impact has been for her to see that i dont like it either, but it has to be done. i'd rather do something else, but this has to be done. she was really surprised that we were on the same page. that even i hated doing some stuff but since we prefer a - say clean home, then we have to do it. 

we also trade. we have our personal like and hate list. and we switch. i enjoy sweep and mop and she the dishes. so we kinda make sure given a choice she'd do the dishes and i'd mop. 

[JayGee]

Glad you posted this because my 7yo DD does the same and it drives me NUTS!  Any time there is  something to do, she's "too tired" or "hungry" or needs to have a giant sobbing (fake) tantrum to get out of it.  My oldest and youngest are really helpful and rarely need more than one reminder to brush teeth, make bed, throw dirty laundry in the hamper, etc. but that middle child makes me scream with her antics.  Thanks for the replies from others who deal with this.

[Emmeline II]

I read this book this past summer: Raising a Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child ...

One recurring recommendation in that book is to have a family meeting where everyone determines what chores need to be done, how they will be scheduled, where the chart will be posted, and each person specifies how they would like to be reminded.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by JayGee 

. but that middle child makes me scream with her antics. 

if your child is ANYTHING like mine the way you talk to them is KEY to the relationship. for my dd more than just love - respect is what matters the most and thus helps her forgive my transgresses. or see that mommies are human and they make mistakes too. 

so here is an example of the kind of thing that worked with her. 

http://www.nycnvc.org/nvcquiz_requests.htm

the answer isnt as simple as it looks. we have had many a moments like this even when dd was FOUR years old.