Originally Posted by MovnMama
Broody, you are always so forthright and empowering. I'm typically like this too - I just have a block with my own self I guess. Some days I'm really hopeful and other days im an emotional mess. Like days when read ladies stories of vaginal tearing, and I start welling up. How weird is that?!? To be jealous of such a thing I mean.
Thanks to you both for your hopeful words. I hope so too! And I hope minimal tearing injuries to us all.
It's not weird to be jealous of such a thing.
Think about it. Tearing is a result of vaginal birth. There is no way you can think about a torn vagina, without thinking about, at least briefly, a baby being born vaginally....and that is going to be a major emotional trigger for you....crap, it's a major emotional trigger for ME too!!
When a seed of hope/longing is planted in your heart....from it will grow a an emotional attachement to an idea. You have the seed of hope/longing for vaginal birth planted deep in your heart. I can tell you really want it....what grows from that seed, is an emotional attachement to the idea of vaginal birth, a longing for that...a sense of envy surrounding those mamas who didn't even have to think about it, it just happened. You have an added layer of thought process, it's not a given for you (not that it is for ANY of us) that you're baby will come out of your vagina, no matter how GREAT your odds of a successful VBAC are. You have extra shit to jump over/through, even if it's just your doctor saying "are you sure, there are added risks, you know!?" - to get to your vaginal birth.
So no, it's not weird to feel a bit of jealousy at that. It's not aimed at the mother, it's aimed at the experience, that you thought would be yours...that wasn't....that you have a chance to reclaim. That's edgy, that means something big inside of you....that's going to be a way big emotional trigger for you and I totally get why.
It's kind of like (not exactly, but kind of) how when I see birth stories that have pictures of a mama being held by, touched by, kissed by her DH....pictures of the DH in the tub, holding the mama, so sweetly...being completely focused on her, never leaving her side....I feel pangs of jealousy. I can't help myself. I didn't marry that dude.
My love for my DH was written in the stars, I just know it. I don't believe in the super mushy, romantic version of "soul mates"...but I believe I was born on this path to learn certain things, that everyone who touches me and who I touch, even if only briefly, is a part of my journey and my learning and exploration of this planet. I love my dude and I know he was always going to be my dude and that we are doing beautiful work that we are meant to do on our paths together.......but he is one hell of a sucky support person in a situation like birth. He's just not cut out for it, he doesn't know how to cope and be emotionally present in the face of intensity for me like that.
I say I tend to be a lone birther and it's true. I get very zoned in and go inward. It's the way I do it. But I have to confess.....to feel his loving, protective energy while I'm in that place, to feel him, posted up beside me, keeping watch over me while I'm sooooo far away from reality....it would feel to me, like being tucked into the downy soft wings of an angel. I can't say that to him, because he would then say "oh man, I had no idea, I will do my best to be that for you" - and then he would just mess it up and it would suck, because he simply, cannot, do it. He won't get in the birth tub, he won't do the counter pressure on the back thing...he's not going to hold me up while I lean on him....he is just not that guy, who knows how to stay focused on being a neutral, completely supportive birth partner. There is something about the wildness and intensity of it, the fact that I can handle it...I don't know...something, that jut scares the shit out of him.
So I let it go....and I'm jealous as crap of women with partners who know how to hold it together and not be antsy and scattered in their energy, etc while they are birthing. But it's not aimed AT those women...it just is. It's an experience that I wish I could have, that I haven't been able to have. But unlike you, I'm not going to try to have it.....that's the difference. Your longing is for something much deeper than mine....and your longing is one you will satisfy. I can't wait to read your birth story.....<3
not edited, sorry.