Ok.....so I'm going to tear. - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by acordio 

I had a section with my first, my second was a  VBAC and  I had the episiotomy and with my third totally expected to tear right along the tear.  Not one single little tear :)  I have a friend that had horrible 3rd and I think some 4th degree tears with her first and was told by the ob she should have a section because she tore so bad with her first.  I think with her second she walked away with a few stitches.

Excuse my language....but this shit drives me up a fucking wall. When I hear mamas asking that question "My OB is a really good doctor and he thinks I should have an elective c/s with my next because I tore so badly with this one, what should I do" - I just start spitting and sputtering and have to walk away from the computer. That drives me NUTS. Very, very few women will EVER experience tears, which can come EVEN CLOSE to the kind of trauma your body experiences when you get major abdominal surgery. There are exceptions, of course, and God bless every one of the ladies who does tear that badly, because that is an intense road and one I'm glad I've never had to walk down.....but these doctors telling women who have had pretty normal (granted, bad, but normal) tearing and instead of jumping to "things we can do during your next labor to help reduce the chances of tearing" barge straight on into "I'm going to cut you open at 38 weeks".....AHGHGHGHAHAHAHA!!!!

[KSDoulaMama]

Broody, I do agree that tearing should not be a reason for an elective C-section... but in my postpartum doula practice I've definitely seen quite a few cases where the healing process from a vaginal birth was so difficult due to tearing that it was harder on those women than many of the C-section mamas I've worked with. That said, my experience is biased because those are the women who need postpartum support more than those who have easy recoveries. Also, it does not speak to the full-body trauma and hormone disruption of the interruption/forgoing of labor, anesthesia, etc. I think that physically traumatic vaginal births aren't likely in most cases, but they are more common than you might expect. Of course, I'm also convinced that common hospital practice like epidurals, birthing on backs, and non-water births contribute to that too.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by KSDoulaMama 

Broody, I do agree that tearing should not be a reason for an elective C-section... but in my postpartum doula practice I've definitely seen quite a few cases where the healing process from a vaginal birth was so difficult due to tearing that it was harder on those women than many of the C-section mamas I've worked with. That said, my experience is biased because those are the women who need postpartum support more than those who have easy recoveries. Also, it does not speak to the full-body trauma and hormone disruption of the interruption/forgoing of labor, anesthesia, etc. I think that physically traumatic vaginal births aren't likely in most cases, but they are more common than you might expect. Of course, I'm also convinced that common hospital practice like epidurals, birthing on backs, and non-water births contribute to that too.

The bolded is totally what I meant when I made my comment about vaginal tearing not being as traumatic. The word I REALLY meant to use was "risk".....the RISKS associated with c/s are so much higher than the long term risks associated with vaginal tearing.

I know full well that recovery can be very traumatic after vaginal tearing I've known women with prolapse, women who tore from vagina to anus and had to have multiple surgeries....it's not funny. It's serious. The emotional effects can be really serious, too....when I was only a few weeks out from my second babys birth, the one with the worse tearing....I really and truly thought that the opening to my vagina was going to look like a horror house entrance for the rest of my life. Even, really, a couple of months out, I couldn't understand how everything was going to go back to anything that looked normal. Two years later...everything is correctly shaped and pretty much correctly proportioned/even...I can only tell that anything ever happened if I look at it full on, in full, bright lighting. I can see scars...but they are hardly noticeable. I don't understand how it;s possible, but it went back. Seeing my lady parts looking the way they did, like they were in a bad accident...it was really hard. It made me heartsick. I thought I had to prepare myself to cope with that just being "it" for the rest of my life....looking all mangled like that. I was fine with it, because I'm cool with the story of my life being written on my body. I don't mind my stretchmarks or rope swing boobs...but that's such a special place. I thought it was going to be more impacted than it ended up being and it was a lot to cope with.

Oh and yeah, I agree completely with all of your thoughts about the impacts of medicine, being flat on your back, etc on vaginal tearing and it makes me so sad. :(

[joyfulmomof2]

I had an episiotomy in the hospital w/#1, but I was assisted by a midwife, and I had already been pushing for 3 1/2 hours. After that DS came right out. Makes me think of the "tight skin" thing. With DD, she came out like a "cannonball" mostly, I think I was pushing furiously because I refused to push for 3 1/2 hours again. Lol! I tore with her, but not sure if it was because of the prior episiotomy, or if like you say, the opening isn't very big or whatever or a combination of all that and pushing furiously. With this one, we're planning a home birth, so I will make not tearing one of my goals. Interesting what someone said about water birth minimizing tearing- maybe I will try that. I didn't want an episiotomy either time, but with DS, I was willing to since I'd been pushing so long (and labor had been really long to begin with) and my MW thought it was the best thing to do at the time. On the other hand, my children just might have really large heads like DH's side of the family (DH has a big head, his brother wears the largest hat size possible, and struggles to get T-shirts on and off so he wears a lot of polos and button-down shirts...when I heard that it made me think of DS, who often gets stuck in his shirts. Lol!)

Anyway, the tearing/being cut itself wasn't really bad- of course I had stitches- not sure how many, but it healed pretty quickly (maybe a week or so).

[MovnMama]

Originally Posted by BroodyWoodsgal 

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD JUMP IN!!!!   Don't be crazy, I'm so glad you chimed in!!

I'm not trying to tell you how to view your own experience, because that's not my place....but I sincerely hope that someday when you describe your first birth, the word "fail" doesn't even come out of your mouth. I'd be willing to bet just about anything that you did your complete best....and I know you'll do the same this time, too, and I JUST KNOW that you will be in this very DDC, complaining about an ole ratty torn up vagina with the rest of us, come June.

Do not fear failure...I know that's easy to say, from my couch, not having had any c/s's myself....but I'm well versed in NOT giving power over my life to fear. When you fear something, you give all your power to that thing. Don't FEAR FAILURE....REALIZE SUCCESS. Hold on to your power. You can do this, you have everything you need to make this happen, I know you can do it. The fact that you think that it was the kids big head that stalled things is GREAT! My first had a big round head, too(though, not as big as yours)...my second, a tiny little perfectly round one. I bet you anything this baby has a cutie pie little perfect head, too!

Things are going to be different this time. You've got this.

Broody, you are always so forthright and empowering. I'm typically like this too - I just have a block with my own self I guess. Some days I'm really hopeful and other days im an emotional mess. Like days when read ladies stories of vaginal tearing, and I start welling up. How weird is that?!? To be jealous of  such a thing I mean. 

Originally Posted by tinams8 

My birth that I described the tear above was a VBAC.  It wasn't his head that caused the tear, either... it was his huge barrel-shaped rib cage! He still has it.   When it comes down to it, after going through labor and being handed your brand new baby, getting stitches is the least of anyone's concerns.  And let me tell you, I didn't care one whit about it and I still don't!  Good luck, I hope you get your VBAC!!!

Thanks to you both for your hopeful words. I hope so too! And I hope minimal tearing injuries to us all. 

[swelldoula]

I didn't read all the other responses, but I remembered that you posted this a few days ago, and I thought this link might be helpful:

http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=66

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by MovnMama 

Broody, you are always so forthright and empowering. I'm typically like this too - I just have a block with my own self I guess. Some days I'm really hopeful and other days im an emotional mess. Like days when read ladies stories of vaginal tearing, and I start welling up. How weird is that?!? To be jealous of  such a thing I mean. 

Thanks to you both for your hopeful words. I hope so too! And I hope minimal tearing injuries to us all. 

It's not weird to be jealous of such a thing.

Think about it. Tearing is a result of vaginal birth. There is no way you can think about a torn vagina, without thinking about, at least briefly, a baby being born vaginally....and that is going to be a major emotional trigger for you....crap, it's a major emotional trigger for ME too!!

When a seed of hope/longing is planted in your heart....from it will grow a an emotional attachement to an idea. You have the seed of hope/longing for vaginal birth planted deep in your heart. I can tell you really want it....what grows from that seed, is an emotional attachement to the idea of vaginal birth, a longing for that...a sense of envy surrounding those mamas who didn't even have to think about it, it just happened. You have an added layer of thought process, it's not a given for you (not that it is for ANY of us) that you're baby will come out of your vagina, no matter how GREAT your odds of a successful VBAC are. You have extra shit to jump over/through, even if it's just your doctor saying "are you sure, there are added risks, you know!?" - to get to your vaginal birth.

So no, it's not weird to feel a bit of jealousy at that. It's not aimed at the mother, it's aimed at the experience, that you thought would be yours...that wasn't....that you have a chance to reclaim. That's edgy, that means something big inside of you....that's going to be a way big emotional trigger for you and I totally get why.

It's kind of like (not exactly, but kind of) how when I see birth stories that have pictures of a mama being held by, touched by, kissed by her DH....pictures of the DH in the tub, holding the mama, so sweetly...being completely focused on her, never leaving her side....I feel pangs of jealousy. I can't help myself. I didn't marry that dude.

My love for my DH was written in the stars, I just know it. I don't believe in the super mushy, romantic version of "soul mates"...but I believe I was born on this path to learn certain things, that everyone who touches me and who I touch, even if only briefly, is a part of my journey and my learning and exploration of this planet. I love my dude and I know he was always going to be my dude and that we are doing beautiful work that we are meant to do on our paths together.......but he is one hell of a sucky support person in a situation like birth. He's just not cut out for it, he doesn't know how to cope and be emotionally present in the face of intensity for me like that.

I say I tend to be a lone birther and it's true. I get very zoned in and go inward. It's the way I do it. But I have to confess.....to feel his loving, protective energy while I'm in that place, to feel him, posted up beside me, keeping watch over me while I'm sooooo far away from reality....it would feel to me, like being tucked into the downy soft wings of an angel. I can't say that to him, because he would then say "oh man, I had no idea, I will do my best to be that for you"  - and then he would just mess it up and it would suck, because he simply, cannot, do it.  He won't get in the birth tub, he won't do the counter pressure on the back thing...he's not going to hold me up while I lean on him....he is just not that guy, who knows how to stay focused on being a neutral, completely supportive birth partner. There is something about the wildness and intensity of it, the fact that I can handle it...I don't know...something, that jut scares the shit out of him.

So I let it go....and I'm jealous as crap of women with partners who know how to hold it together and not be antsy and scattered in their energy, etc while they are birthing. But it's not aimed AT those women...it just is. It's an experience that I wish I could have, that I haven't been able to have. But unlike you, I'm not going to try to have it.....that's the difference. Your longing is for something much deeper than mine....and your longing is one you will satisfy. I can't wait to read your birth story.....<3

not edited, sorry.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by swelldoula 

I didn't read all the other responses, but I remembered that you posted this a few days ago, and I thought this link might be helpful:

http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=66

I love this link, thank you!