my judgement of mainstream parenting, codependency, and my SILs who are doing it - Page 4

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by llwr 

OP again.  I'm feeling a little defensive, so I hope nothing comes out wrong.

<snip>

And again, I don't think what it is that SILs are doing is actually relevant.  The point is I am bothered by a situation over which I have no control, and I want to be free of wasting my energy being upset by it.  I think this is probably true no matter what the criticism or judgment is directed at. 

Again, what I'm looking for is exactly how to go about changing these negative feeling into something more productive.   I'm totally ok with believing that RIC, formula, and CIO are not the best choices.  I'm even ok with my opinion that SILs would be better off with a little less parental rescuing.  What I need is to have a peace with the situation anyway. 

I'm beginning to not understand what you want. What is it exactly that you're feeling defensive about? Those of us who have said agreed with you that, yeah....you seem pretty needlessly judgmental about your SiL? Isnt' that what YOU, yourself, are saying? Or, were saying? You're also saying repeatedly that you don't want this to be a critique of their parenting, but then you keep slipping in more and more details that you are unhappy about. Do you want want pats on the back for the way you raise your own kids and for looking down your nose at the way your SiLs raise theirs? Or do you want all the negative, toxic feelings and judgments about these people to stop taking up valuable space in your head?

[coffeegirl]

MDC is a huge parenting community that does have certain tenants that set it apart....none of which are as radical and extreme as some of the posters here are making it out to be.

And Tumble Bumbles....which comments do you think are negative? Are you reading the OP's posts?

Also? The more that I read the OP's posts the more I think that what would really help her is to stop being so focused on herself and her feelings. When you feel something negative or judgmental (which are things you have repeatedly said here that you don't want to feel), push it out of your mind and focus on something else. Every time.

That's if you really want to stop feeling this way. And if this thread isn't just an excuse to brag about your own superior parenting techniques and fish for compliments/pats on the back. Which I'm starting to suspect is the case.

Otherwise, why are you rejecting, ignoring or arguing with everyone who has tried to tell you how to erradicate these "negative feelings"?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by NoraFlood 

 I have learned to pretty much not judge much of anything other parents do when they are acting out of love and concern. How is it that so many of you have NOT learned that lesson? That's what I judge..

Ironically, there is a lot of judgment in this thread directed toward the OP.

To me, it sounds like the attitude she feels from her SILs is not one of love and concern, and obviously, she hasn't learned to not judge yet. She's working on it.

However, you haven't learned to not judge yet either. Are you working on it?

About half the post on this thread are self-righteous "I would never judge another mother!" statements while lobbing judgment at the OPer. The truth is -- most of us judge other people about something. Most of us need to work on this issue. Just the specifics are different. We don't tend to judge others for what we see as our weaknesses, the things we fear being judged for. We pick our strengths. 

so -- compassion. Compassion for moms who do things differently than us, compassion for moms trying not to judge the moms who do things differently, compassion for ourselves.

I do think that in life, we tend to get back the kind of energy that we get back, so may be a different way of looking at it for the OPer would be to think about the kind of energy/thoughts she would like people to send her when they see something differently than she does, and then try to send out the same kind of energy to people who see things differently than she does, with faith that it will come back to her.

[coffeegirl]

I can only say that if it were me, and if I were having an issue of being too judgmental, being aware that I'm being judgmental, being aware that it's taking up too much of my time and energy and I just want to learn how to move past it or turn it into something positive, etc....if that were me, then I would not consider advice like, "oh, but you're right! Your SILs don't know how to parent correctly, oh those poor kids!" etc.to be AT ALL HELPFUL. You know? That's not what *I* would need in that case. Maybe the OP is different? I don't know because she's not responding to any of it.

Some advice can't be effectively worded in cotton candy language, but that doesn't mean it's not compassionate.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by coffeegirl 

That's not what *I* would need in that case.

the kind of advice I have given on this thread is from my own experience of having grown up in an extremely critical judgmental family, and gradually learning to release those patterns.

As long as I'm sitting around trying to decide if someone is worthy of releasing my judgments of them or not, I haven't moved past judgments. Deciding someone is doing OK enough for me to not judge them is still me judging them, just giving them a pass rather than a fail.

I'm sure other things work for other people.

[hildare]

i think pretty much someone who says something as jerky about people going back to work isn't getting judgment from me but some well-earned scorn.  stuff like that is lame and uncalled for.  and maybe pointing it out can clue the op in that if her issue is her being judgmental, then she needs to start with comments and thoughts like that if she doesn't want to be perceived as such or wants to grow up & out of it.

[Kelly1101]

Yeah... except not.  I'm totally at ease with the choices I've made in my life.  I still think it's crappy to be looking down on a mom for being eager to go back to work-- and I'm way cool with my choice to be a SAHM.  So I think your idea that people are just "not entirely at ease with the choices they've made in their own lives" may just be you projecting?

The point of MDC is to be able to get advice from people who do the same kind of things you do.  I love that I can ask cloth diaper questions here because there are lots of women here who use them.  That does not equal "disposables are evil and people who use them are disattached from their babies."  Maybe YOU are here because you think that only your own parenting ideas are healthy and valid, but again-- don't project your issues onto the rest of us here. 

Originally Posted by Tumble Bumbles 

OP -- I know exactly where you're coming from. Ignore the negative comments, people sometimes twist intentions because (in my opinion) they're not entirely at ease with the choices they've made in their own lives so they internalize and analyze anything.

If I felt that every style of parenting was equally valid and healthy, what's the point of a place like MDC? Why not Babycenter, or all of the other websites that cater to the mainstream parenting attitudes I see on those sites? Why didn't I just throw a bunch of parenting techniques in a hat and just randomly choose what techniques to follow when I was pregnant if it's all the same in the end and every single style of parenting was 'best' (in my eyes)?

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

 Please remember to offer your advice in a way that is respectful and to avoid personal attacks.  Things are beginning to get ugly.  Keep it civil please.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by NoraFlood 

My son got formula from birth AND I was thrilled to go back to work when he was 12 weeks old. I am pretty icky, I guess. But here's what I don't get. Parenting has knocked me on my ass SO hard that I have learned to pretty much not judge much of anything other parents do when they are acting out of love and concern. How is it that so many of you have NOT learned that lesson? That's what I judge...people who tsk tsk tsk other parents who love their babies. Some people think RIC is in the best interest of the child! Some people think CIO is the best way for their baby to get a good night's rest! I happen to disagree, but that doesn't make me a better parent. And I am also not a worse parent because I went back to work with no regrets and had to use formula. I just don't get the judging thing AT ALL, unless we are talking about actual neglect or abuse, which we are not. Is parenting so easy for everyone else that they feel like it's okay to look down on other parents who are just trying to get through the fucking day?

Um, yeah, parenting has ripped me a new one for SURE! I've learned so much about parenting, and its so hard, and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to do it all day everyday and not work outside the home. I seriously admire SAHM's because I just could not do it. My son wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't be happy (in fact, we'd all probably end up super miserable), and life would be BAD BAD BAD.

I LOVE working, I have an awesome new job that is amazing, and I don't miss my son when he's at daycare (and I never have). I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day, and in the morning I look forward to dropping him off!

OP - based on your descriptions, I wonder if your SIL's have PPD. It's very common, not discussed openly, and when you're being judged as being a bad parent, well, its not like you want to say, "I have PPD - cut me some slack!" to that person.

[sharon71]

OP I just want to offer you some hugs and say I kind of understand what you are saying except it's not just my sil but my own brother who is 36 with 2 kids and my mother can't seem to cut that umbilical cord. She does pretty much everything for them,pays most of their bills,buys most of their groceries,pays their cable and phone bills,either her or my stepdad takes them where they need to go even though they live approx. 20 mins from each other,until Aug. of this yr my nephew from age 4 until 10 lived with my mom to go to school.they babysit several times a week overnight,etc.

As for how my brother and sil parent like circing my nephew,FFing,spanking,etc while I may not like or agree with it I know there is not anything I can do about it as long as it is not abusive.

Anyway the point I was trying to make is I'm more concerned with the way my mom treats and coddles my brother than I am with anything else and how she does all this stuff for him but will call me on the phone and complain about doing it. I have told her so many times to stop that he is never going to "grow up" and do these things on his on as long as she keeps doing it,but it falls on deaf ears.