OP again. I'm feeling a little defensive, so I hope nothing comes out wrong.
And again, I don't think what it is that SILs are doing is actually relevant. The point is I am bothered by a situation over which I have no control, and I want to be free of wasting my energy being upset by it. I think this is probably true no matter what the criticism or judgment is directed at.
Again, what I'm looking for is exactly how to go about changing these negative feeling into something more productive. I'm totally ok with believing that RIC, formula, and CIO are not the best choices. I'm even ok with my opinion that SILs would be better off with a little less parental rescuing. What I need is to have a peace with the situation anyway.
I'm beginning to not understand what you want. What is it exactly that you're feeling defensive about? Those of us who have said agreed with you that, yeah....you seem pretty needlessly judgmental about your SiL? Isnt' that what YOU, yourself, are saying? Or, were saying? You're also saying repeatedly that you don't want this to be a critique of their parenting, but then you keep slipping in more and more details that you are unhappy about. Do you want want pats on the back for the way you raise your own kids and for looking down your nose at the way your SiLs raise theirs? Or do you want all the negative, toxic feelings and judgments about these people to stop taking up valuable space in your head?