Has anyone read "Killing Monsters"?

[paakbaak]

I have an almost-6yo. He´s very sweet, very loving, helpful, sensitive and LOVES Ben 10 and any other violent super heroe! 

I had a terrible time with this, explaining why we shouldn´t be violent, bla bla bla...it´s not working. 

And yesterday, a friend told be about the book "Killing Monsters" and I wanted to check if anyone here has read it and what you got from it.

Thanks!

[Red Pajama]

I'm fairly certain I've read it.  I've slept since then, though.

What I think I remember is a validation of children's (esp. boys) need for an outlet for creative violence. Killing bad guys and monsters gives them control over a world in which they have little control.

The problem with parenting books for me is if I agree with the message after reading the book it becomes incorporated with my parenting philosophy, and I can no longer sort out the details of the origional message, as it's all become "mine".

[paakbaak]

Ok, I don´t see it as a problem though. 

Can you help me a little and tell me what YOU think about violent play in boys? I´m trying to get into peace with having to play with a gun in my hand (I´m a single mom so I can´t say, "Go play that with dad") but it´s hard. I´m better with swords though, and I´m really good at being Garfio! I´m just having a hard tome listening to him fight so much while he plays. Thanks!

[Red Pajama]

HOw old is your son?

My boys were deliciously innocent of what guns were until around 3 or so. Limited TV/Media, among other things, was the only way that was possible. Dad showed them the origional STAR WARS, and blasters and lightsabers became a very cool thing.

My own thoughts on boys and imaginary violence have changed. I didn't think I wanted toy guns in the house. There are some good articles, many that I've found here at one time or another, along with many parenting books that have helped me come to terms with how (many) boys play.

Here's my thoughts.

By their very male-ness, boys are hard wired to protect. Little boys practice defeating bad guys, among other things they do. Removing a whole category of play (no pretending guns), especially in the home, dilutes what boys do.  Would anyone prohibit a child from playing pretend in any other way? 

Most of our pretend violence centers around STAR WARS and knights/castles. I think as a parent, one needs to chose media carefully, as it inspires the play of the child well beyond the length of the show or movie.  My boys often carry "guns" as we stomp through the woods at my parents' house. They are watching for droids and storm troopers.  Fallen trees become crashed star ships-- and that's the point. It's all pretend.

We do have some rules. 1.  Pretend doesn't hurt.  2. Only play shooter games/lightsabers with those who want to play. 3. No guns at the table; it's not civilized.  4.No pretend guns where real guns could not be.  I've also talked to them about what to do if they ever encountered a real gun, and that real guns are very dangerous.

I woudn't expect everyone to agree with my stance. This is what works for my family, and as with everything, it's a work in progress.

[LCBMAX]

Thanks OP for the start of this thread and to the responders thus far. It sounds like "Killing Monsters" is a book for parents? I'll look into it.

Maybe some of you experienced mamas of boys could recommend some other books (you've mentioned doing good reading) about how to help guide the "violent play" issue?

Husband and I are both super pacific and yet we don't want to stifle this expression of energy that we believe is part of natural boy (and often girl) personality experimentation. At the same time, our almost 4 year old son is extremely innocent of this sort of thing - he has had perhaps 30 minutes total exposure in his whole life to other kids who play gun and sword games, or even use the word "kill". He's very attracted to that stuff, and is also highly verbal. He's just coming into his body in an energetic way so we are working hard on exercise (swim and gymnastics and a trampoline in the living room) but we feel he's still too young for a martial art. We allow and encourage rocket ships, blast offs, stomp rockets, and general aiming games, but have so far been asking him not to use the word "gun" at home, since "guns hurt people." In point of fact, he doesn't quite know what a gun even is or does, just that we don't like it. He's just clear that glue guns and staple guns are cool by virtue of the word gun. I doubt we'll ever get permissive about guns, though we plan on introducing archery when he's a little bigger. What to do in the meantime? (FYI we are headed on a loose waldorf path in general...) 

(Is this too much? Should I just start a new thread?)

[Red Pajama]

A subject search at the library of "boys education" or "boys parenting" will lead a wealth of good reads.

for me, there was Raising Cain, Boys Adrift, The Minds of Boys, and The Trouble With Boys as ones to start with. Lots of this education rather than parenting, but there's significant cross-over.

[paakbaak]

RED PAJAMA

My son is 5...turns 6 in february. And all this is fairly new to him. He saw Ben 10 for the first time this summer but had nightmares so I prohibited it. Then I realized he REALLY wanted to see it, and decided for a once a week screening. He loved it. Now, we do once during the week, 3:30pm, and sundays for the new eposides, also only 30min. He loves it. 

But he also loves Dora the Explorer, The Imaginators, Handy Manny...I think it´s the was I take and manage it. 

I love your rules, I´ll take them for my home! Can you explain this one? "4.No pretend guns where real guns could not be." The y couldn´t be at home either, so where could they be? I have a hard time taking his 4-day-old new gun to public places, people look at me in a terrible way (we live in Mexico, so you can imagine the REAL violence we are "used to" and the degree of non-violence we as parents have stepped into). 

I also believe that our very own nature is what rules in our lives. If we want the days to run by natural rythm, why not let there fantasy run by their own rythm and nature? I think, from personal experience, that I prohibited violent play out of fear. Nor out of love for him, but out of fear that he may turn into a violent person. And we go nowhere with fear. So I am learning to acknowlegde what you call his "male-ness", as natural aspect of him being a boy and it´s helping alot!

Thanks for the tips on the books and everything else! I´ll se where I can finde them here or ask for them if someone travels. Looking forward to reading Killing Monsters...reminds me of my own demons I would love to have killed!

LCBMAX

My son was the same at that age and I thought "Wow, we are skipping the violent fase" but it came! From personal experience, just go with the flow of what HE is playing, seeking, doing. Starting Waldorf...natural rythm. THEY set the rythm, not us. THEY are the once going through the fases, we are only bystanders. This doesn´t mean that we should let them just run wild and hurt eachother, it means to honer and respect and work WITH their rythm. Right? 

Love!

[Red Pajama]

The rule of "no play guns where real guns could not be" means that they can't take them to schools, libraries, courthouses, polling places... not sure of others. We don't permit them to take them to church, as it doesn't fit the message. THey have incorporated these rules, and almost never have guns or similar except at home and in the woods at their grandparents.

[paakbaak]

Ok. thank you very much! I´m learning!

[SweetSilver]

Originally Posted by Red Pajama 

The rule of "no play guns where real guns could not be" means that they can't take them to schools, libraries, courthouses, polling places... not sure of others. We don't permit them to take them to church, as it doesn't fit the message. THey have incorporated these rules, and almost never have guns or similar except at home and in the woods at their grandparents.

We already have rules at our house about violent pretend play, just like the ones you mentioned, but we don't have this one.  I have 2 girls and they definitely play pretend guns and light sabers, and I think that being girls they are less....hmmm..... intense..... about pretend violent play.  But I love this rule and am remembering it for the future.  Thanks!
 

[jess in hawaii]

One gun play rule we have had since my eldest was about 5 I got from a friend of his: We only kill what we would eat. So, we don't shoot butterflies, and we don't kill monsters/aliens/bad guys. This is a strategy pretty much for littler kids, but I think it sets a better tone.