What happens when you can't agree? - Page 3

[PixieAlly]

You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. How is it possible I am NOTHING to the children involved? Are you just completely clueless or that dumb? They are with me (and my BF) 50% of their lives. I give them baths, I clean their clothes, I cook their meals, I keep the house they live in 50% of the time clean, I make them soup when they are sick, I help put them to bed, I help educate them when they ask questions about things they are curious about, etc...Saying I am nothing to them isn't mean, it's downright moronic. You have no idea what you're talking about either as yout reading comprehension skills are obviously lacking. I never said she shouldn't take them on vacation. I said we should get this kids the two days of winter break she is NOT going on vacation. She does NOT have a full time job, so again, you have no clue what you're talking about. The schedule was written based on when the KIDS usually wake and sleep. I could give a crap if the ex gets up at 4am. That's her problem.

If you want my advice, learn some reading comprehension skills before you get diarrhea of the mouth (or keyboard) again and spew more of your crap.

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved. i suggest you leave the disputing custody between your boyfriend and his ex. and so what if she is taking them on vacation? dont you think the children deserve a nice vacation? instead of complaining that you will have no time with them while they are on vacation why dont you be happy for them that they are spending some nice quality time having fun on a nice vacation with their mother? and how is the ex winning anything? lets see, the children are old enough to be in school so there goes 8 hours of her day without them, they are with thier dad for an hour there is 9 hours a day she is losing time with them, lets see she probably has a full time job too, right there is munus more time with them... and just wondering how did you write a detailed schedule of when each parent wakes and sleeps? you dont know what time she gets up and goes to bed. she could get up at 4 am and not even get to bed till late getting the childrens things around for school and to be with you and their father. i think you need to cut the ex some slack and respect her for everything she is doing for the kids. you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business..

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion

[BrascosPrincess]

i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.

[Imakcerka]

Since nothing is in black and white and what works for some doesn't work for others and wait one more, your way isn't always the right way... telling someone they shouldn't be involved at all is a little unfair.  Infact it appears as though she's only supporting him and then asking questions here and is not involved in the actual decision making between the parents.  You just didn't need to come off so harsh.  Every situation is unique, if you ask around there are lots of step parents here that share frustration with these kind of issues. 

 

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.

[BrascosPrincess]

i never said that i didnt understand being frustrated with these issues... i am one of them... my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me, and now because he is married, and has three other children with me, she refuses to let him see his son or have anything to do with his son.. and i stay out of it, i support my husband through whatever choices he wants to make regauarding this, because its not my business, all that is my business is that my husband isn't getting his heart broken because she is a bitch, and that my children are not involved in the mess either. everything he does regurading the issue is his decision to make and yes i tell him i want no part of the descisions when it comes to this because he is not my son it's his son.. and his to make decisions about, if my husband and i ever split and he got a girlfriend and she tried to make decisions for my kids and try to decide whats best for them and to do as much with them as the girl that wrote this on here does, your damn right they would be spending a hell of a lot less time with him. they are his responsiblity to care for while they are in his care, not hers. and no im not trying to be mean or sound harsh but thats life.. if you cant deal with some peoples opinions then dont air it on the internet and ask for them.

[PixieAlly]

You still have no clue. It definitely WOULD be your business if your husband's ex was constantly changing the schedule around and demanding he pick the kids up at weird times (6am, 10pm, etc...), at the last minute and screwing up your plans and things you've planned to do with your husband and your kids. It sounds like you don't have to deal with any schedule issues since she is trying to keep the child away from your husband, so you have no idea what it's like. As far as my BF taking care of his kids...what if I didn't exist? He'd still need to find childcare on days he has the kids, and we both feel it is important for them to stay in the home since they get bounced around enough already (so daycare/after-school care would not be the preferred option, but having his parents come over and watch the kids would. They'd get to stay home and they'd get to see dad at breakfast, lunch and when he got home. I just happen to be here now, so no need for his parents to come over unless they want to).

Your life sound terrible. Married people should be partners and discuss decisions with each other, not hide their head in the sand because they don't want to deal with their partner's baggage. He always is able to make the ultimate decision when it comes to his kids, but yeah, I do expect him to talk to me about it and tell me what's going on.

[Kelly1101]

Oh, that's interesting.  Tell us more.
 

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved... you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business.

Certainly, some "girlfriends" are just a transient part of the dad's - and the children's - lives.  But, regardless what you may think of this, these days it's a fact that:

#1 - Many marriages are just as transient as BF/GF relationships; and

#2- Many couples never get married and still stay together for years - or for life.

None of us know the quality, history, parameters or future of PixieAlly's relationship.  But if she cares this much about her BF's time with the kids (by extension, the kids' time with her), it's only reasonable for us to assume she's committed to this family arrangement.  

Besides, she hasn't asked us whether or not we think she should get married.  She has described a genuinely frustrating situation where her BF is being denied a reasonable request for parenting time and wonders what recourse he has, before the holidays are over and done? Plenty of step-moms (or GFs in a step-mom role) discuss such things on MDC, on their significant others' behalf.  This is a good forum for getting ideas from other women who may have been in your shoes.  I think it's less common for men to participate in forums like this.  It's fine to support your partner by researching his options.

E.g., my husband juggles working, with being an involved parent and step-parent, and tackling major projects around the house.  My workload is different: my "job" right now is parenting, plus smaller household tasks that can more easily be stopped and restarted when it's convenient.  So when DH needs to know what his custody orders (or our state guidelines, or case law) say about a situation with my step-son; or what an airline's policy is about DSS's travel; or when he needs ideas on how to handle a difficult situation with his ex, it is easier for me to do the research.  I have even helped write things for him, for court.  I'm good (or at least thorough), at writing - which is time-consuming!  But the desires and concerns are still his and he is the one taking action!  I am supporting him, as his partner in life...and parenting!

It's fine for families to handle this in different ways.  But I strongly suspect that if your DH's ex let him see more of his kid, you would feel more like your DSS was part of your family (as well as the ex's family, of course!); and you'd feel less that he was your DH's concern - and his alone.  I think you'd feel more like your DH's relationship with his son; your DSS's needs and his time with your family - was deeply important to both of you.

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion

But you chose to express it with mean words and that does rub people the wrong way, here.

  Quote:

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i never said that i didnt understand being frustrated with these issues... i am one of them... my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me, and now because he is married, and has three other children with me, she refuses to let him see his son or have anything to do with his son.. and i stay out of it, i support my husband through whatever choices he wants to make regauarding this, because its not my business, all that is my business is that my husband isn't getting his heart broken because she is a bitch, and that my children are not involved in the mess either.

Yes, well when a father who loves his children and wants to be an involved parent is denied reasonable (and court-ordered!) access to them, and denied ANY time to celebrate holidays with them (after all, PixieAlly's BF has only pushed for 2 of the 10 days of their winter break and isn't even asking for Christmas Day)...

* That DOES break his heart!  

* His ex IS being (...let's say "rotten").  Not only to him, but to the child!  

* And, when people approach their blended family as a family - when they encourage the siblings (step-, half-, or otherwise) to feel like siblings, the denied contact with one sibling DOES hurt the others!  It does.

everything he does regurading the issue is his decision to make and yes i tell him i want no part of the descisions when it comes to this because he is not my son it's his son.. and his to make decisions about... 

That PixieAlly takes the time to research her BF's options for him does not mean the desire for action comes primarily from her, or that she's pushing her BF to do anything, or telling him how to parent.

[Imakcerka]

Well said Jeannine!

[PixieAlly]

I agree!

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Well said Jeannine!

[BrascosPrincess]

i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

[PixieAlly]

Well that's all fine and dandy but still no reason for you to tell me I'm an immature little girl because I want to be supportive and help my BF. Just because we don't have a stupid piece of paper saying we're married, doesn't mean I am not like a wife and mother/step mother in this household. And I don't understand your comment, "decided not to meet us at our neutral point" because you just got done saying there is no "us" when it comes to your husband and his son and decisions that are made. And I have no problems if my BF wants to go out with his friends or family after work, but he damn well better tell me he's doing so because if I spent an hour cooking dinner and no one shows up for it, it's not going to be pretty. It's called having mutual respect for each other and each others time and appreciating what you do for each other.

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

[BrascosPrincess]

"us" meant my husband and i and our children because i rarely let them go anywhere without me let alone around his ex without me being present, thats not going to happen. my children are the only reason i would be present but if he didnt want our children to be there that time then thats fine it would just be him and her and thier son.

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

You honestly have no idea what you are talking about. You should be taking advice and reading posts on this forum, not trying to give advice. I'm flagging the posts, ladies. I want to help PixieAlley have a great holiday with her family, not see these horrible comments.

[Cynthia Mosher]

BrascosPrincess your posts are not very conducive to a comfortable discussion. I think it would be best if you step out of the conversation and perhaps start your own thread about your personal situation and feelings. 

[MrsSurplus]

I'm, obviously, late to the conversation and I hope all worked out well (or, at least, better than it was going) for the Chistmas holiday.  I suspect that part of the reason you have the weird schedule of never having more than one day at a time with the children had to do with their ages at the time of the decree (at least, that's the tact I'd take with the court) and now your BF could argue that the kids are older and not only is it far easier for them to acclimate for 3 - 4 days at a time, but as they get older the likelihood that they will be involved in after-school activities increases - thus cutting into daddy time. My sister and her ex had a schedule where she had 3 days one week and 4 the next - it took some coordination to keep it all straight - but it offered more stability for the children than what your current schedule must.

While I feel for your BF, I sure feel for those kids (as you obviously do as well).

Good luck!

[PixieAlly]

No, they were 4 and 6, so not breastfeeding or anything plus she watched them for 8.5 hours a day while he was at work, but he watched them 100% of the rest of the time (including getting up with them at night as babies with a bottle), so any separation issues should have worked both ways. We did get our way for Christmas and she has backed down some after saying we were willing to go to mediation. However, now  that I am away visiting family (and he is home alone) she seems to be trying to gain control over him again, presumably because I am not there for him to bounce things off of before responding to her  crap  (this was his revelation, not mine). I just wish she'd give it a rest. It's tiring always having to keep our  guard up. She will twist words and guilt trip him into doing things and she will berate him for doing something and then as punishment, turn around and do the same thing (for example, she got mad because his daughter told her dad said mom has to buy a bag for karate because the ex wants him to tell her those things directly, not their daughter. That is understandable. He didn't do it on purpose, he just mentioned to his daughter that would be a mom purchase. But instead of leaving it at that, the very same day she has her son call him and tell him he has to bring treats into school the next day which was something either she should have done since it was her turn to bring treats or she should have told him about. Instead he felt he could not say no to his son and rushed around getting treats ready at the last minute. Double standards constantly and he won't stand up to her unless I'm right there next to him). 

I definitely agree the 3 days/4 days schedule makes much more sense and I really hope when they go back to court he fights for this and wins. I don't want her to have less them, just some more stability for the kids (and us and our sanity!) Things are going better at the moment. We got engaged, the kids seem happy and like they feel my confident I am permanent. His daughter tells me she loves me every day and his son (who takes longer to warm up to people) seems tons more comfortable with me than he did just a couple weeks ago. I'm very happy the way things are progressing, but I am sure the ex is annoyed as she has to hear all about me and my daughter every time she calls them on the phone. I can't help hiding a little smile every time I hear them tell her about some "great" thing I did :D
 

Originally Posted by MrsSurplus 

I'm, obviously, late to the conversation and I hope all worked out well (or, at least, better than it was going) for the Chistmas holiday.  I suspect that part of the reason you have the weird schedule of never having more than one day at a time with the children had to do with their ages at the time of the decree (at least, that's the tact I'd take with the court) and now your BF could argue that the kids are older and not only is it far easier for them to acclimate for 3 - 4 days at a time, but as they get older the likelihood that they will be involved in after-school activities increases - thus cutting into daddy time. My sister and her ex had a schedule where she had 3 days one week and 4 the next - it took some coordination to keep it all straight - but it offered more stability for the children than what your current schedule must.

While I feel for your BF, I sure feel for those kids (as you obviously do as well).

Good luck!