Big age gap? « Back to Group Discussions

[jennyf917]

I'm due 8/9 with #2. My ds is 9 1/2. We hadn't been planning on having any more, but dp turned 30 and his brother had his first child and it just triggered something in us and we decided it was now or never. We're really, really excited. I've heard a lot of stuff about how with your second you show earlier and may feel movement earlier, things like that, and I was wondering if that still applies if you have a large age gap. I also am worried because my first was a difficult birth because my doctor was trying to push me into a c section and I basically had to fight tooth and nail for a vaginal birth, and it was not a good experience. Do I still have a lower c section risk due to my prior vaginal birth or am I considered like a primipara again? 

Also (I know this is getting long), I am worried about my older ds losing his spot at the center of our universe. Does anyone with a large age gap between kids have good stories to share? He has been less than thrilled so far and is worried about us loving him less despite our reassurances. Thanks for slogging through this and for any input.

[Knitting Mama]

I have a friend with about an 8 year gap between her girls. I am going to share your post with her, and I will let you know what she says!

[jennyf917]

 Thanks.

[Knitting Mama]

Here is a reply from a different friend:

"My brother and I are 5 1/2 years apart. We're not close, at all. But, I think it had more to do with some family difficulties we went through than the age gap. That said, I always knew he would be there to defend me if needed. My BFF(irl) is 10 years older than her sister (only siblings and both adopted). They talk on a daily basis. They fight like cats sometimes but they are very close. My Grandma was 10 years older than my g-uncle. She was like a 2nd mom to him and they were closer than they were with their parents until the day my Gma died.

I think we've talked before about how it's not necessarily the age gap, but the personalities, that are most crucial in children's relationships. For my brother, he couldn't verbalize his feelings and I was such a high-needs baby, that I think he felt left out at a time he really needed my parents but they just didn't know because he was such a quiet kid."

[Knitting Mama]

This is the woman who I first thought of, with the 8 year age gap:

"G (her husband) has a sister who's 11 year older, and they are pretty close. As close as I know siblings to be.

P (the 10 year old, who was 8 when Z was born) is having some difficulty sharing after being an only kid for so long, but she's old enough to understand that it's something she has to work on, and it doesn't bring aggression or anything. We talk about her feelings when she's upset, and it's nice that she's old enough and knows herself well enough by this age to be able to think and talk things out. She'll just tell us when she needs some "mommy-and-P time".

One of the other things helpful with the age gap is that P loves being able to help out in ways that littler kids might not be able to, like carrying her sister, putting her in the car seat, changing dirty diapers, switching the laundry, etc It's helpful because it makes her feel like "one of the grown ups", while helping her see that she's part of a family where everyone has to give and take. She did a little less giving and a little more taking as an only child, yk?

I did feel movement earlier, and I wasn't treated like a primipara at all, but I don't know if that's because I had a midwife? I'm not sure what an OB would say."

It sounds like the age gap is a good thing in their case, because P has the maturity to be able to work through her feelings with her parents, can really help out a LOT, and she is good about piping up when she needs the extra attention.

[Knitting Mama]

One more post! I'm spamming you now!  This is another mom in my group.

"There are 7.5 years between me and my sister. I remember not being jealous but just worried that my parents loved her more than me since she was new and exciting. I LOVED changing her diapers, feeding her bottles, rocking her to sleep, and playing with her. She was like a live doll. I think that's when I stopped playing with toys...I wanted to take care of her instead.

We aren't that close now though. She has her own life which is way different than mine--when I was little my parents had less money, I grew up in a poorer neighborhood and went to bad schools. By the time my sister was older my parents had more money and moved to a nice subdivision, so she grew up with nice clothes and rich friends, she drives a nice car, and hasn't needed to get a job. She'll be 18 next month. Weird how much difference 7.5 years can make. (I kind of feel sorry for her because she's more sheltered and spoiled. The real world will be a big shock.)

And for what it's worth my mom wasn't treated as a first time mom again. She had a 3 hour labor with my sister, just like a second time mom would go faster..."

[jennyf917]

Thanks. I did a lot of googling and couldn't get the answers I was looking for. FWIW, my sister and brother are 14 and 16 years older than me so I have experience there. I loved that  gap growing up. I hope my kids have a good experience too.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I don't have the answer to your questions, but I'm in the same boat of large age gap. I never would have thought it would have ended up this way. By the time this babe is born my oldest will be almost 7 and my youngest will be 5 the next month. My first two are only 22 months apart. We just went through so much back and forth over the last 4 years about the third child. I mostly never gave up wanting it, but I would go through phases where I could recognize it just simply wasn't a good time.  But now that it's here, I'm absolutely thrilled and I have this really calming feeling that it's going to just perfect as it is. I think the older siblings will be helpful. And with as busy as we are, I really think it's best the other two are older. Having three so young would have been too stressful for us, especially dh. It could have been a real mess I believe. But this just feels right and dh doesn't seem to have any qualms about it. I have no idea how it will play out in closeness, but I hope that as they get older and the age gap differences lessen in commonalities, they will all be able to really enjoy each other. I know that being close in age with my brother (2 years), did not equate to being close. We never have been and never will be. I think age prob. can play a part, but my guess if family dynamics is more impt. than that. My dh and his brother are five years apart and are also not that close. Now as they age, they are finding more in common. But again, I think the lack of closeness had more to do with that that they are so very, very different in personalities; as well as family dynamic growing up..divorce and unhealthy, unpleasantness surrounding that mess. I think their lack of closeness is a product of their environment. Now as adults with careers and wives etc, they are finding what they have in common and being more drawn together. So, in the end, who knows until it plays out.

[Justmee]

Mine isn't as big of a gap, but ds will be 4.5 when baby comes along. I still feel like I'm about to do the transistion back to baby (all my other kids were 1.5 - 2.5 year gap).  We've been trying for a while and it just hasn't worked out (I was due on DS's 3rd b-day also). Hoping this one will be a sticky, and yes, I'm a bit worried about how he will go from being "the baby" to big brother. I feel like he's old enough to be really excited and also upset about it, but too young to really be expected to act maturely about it. My other kids will be 7 & 8. Wow, that sounds OLD.

[joy2grow]

Our daughter will turn 6 the month after this baby comes.  I had hoped my children would be closer in age but it just didn't work out that way!  I have a strong feeling this is a good thing and life is unfolding just as it should for the best dynamics in our family.  My sister and I were 18 months apart and fought constantly till we were in our late teens -- it was horrible, but then so were all the relationships in my family of origin so there you go.  Truly that is where the influence lies.  Besides at some point our older kids can babysit and that will be conveniently awesome!

eta: as adults my sister and I are super close it just took a long time to get there

[Sol_y_Paz]

There is a 6 year age gap between me and one of my siblings.  I adore her and think she is awesome, I am so glad she is my little sister.  I don't think that gap automatically means the kids will have less in common or less likely to get along (not saying anyone said that, but I have heard that before).  We still shared a lot of things growing up in terms of experiences, etc. 

[LilyTiger]

For what it's worth, my brother is 6 years younger than me and 10 years younger than my sister.  We are all super close, and my brother and I were very close until I started seeing him as a real nuisance (right around when I turned 12).  We played a lot together and are now still very tight knit, so I think large age gaps can work really well.

[~Demeter~]

There's a 6 year gap between my 3rd and 4th, I don't particularly enjoy it. There's a lot of rivalry between them right now.. (A is 10 and S is 4) A perceives S as a big pain in the butt right now, hopefully that will change as they get bigger.

[midstreammama]

There is a 4 year gap between 1 and 2..they fight a lot but I think it is because of their personality clashes. I know that it will get better. There is just about a two year gap between 2 and 3. When they are friendly they are super friendly when they aren't, they sooo aren't. There will be a seven year gap between 3 and 4.. I think they will all be ok eventually, I always anticipate some bumps along the way. It seems that the new babe would peobably take on more of an only child role because of the gap..according to the birth order things but I sooo hate the generalizations of those descriptions...