More kids, how do you decide...

[neonalee]

when (and/or if) to have another child? I know everyone has to decide for their circumstances but I'm curious how you made the decision or any thoughts about my situation.

DS is 16 months. He has a 13 year old half sister who adores him. I had an easy pregnancy but really didn't enjoy it. I had an easy baby but a very difficult adjustment to being a mom. Not sure if the CS is a part of that. No problems with bfing, no health issues, no high needs or delays. But still I discovered I'm not much of an infant person. As he got older I started enjoying it more& now I'm really excited to watch him grow & change.

I never wanted an only child. And I'll be fully honest, I hoped for a girl (despite the "joys of parenting the preteen already in the house LOL). I like the spacing between my sis & I which I would need to get pregnant this spring to achieve. But I'm really starting to enjoy being with him. Also, we are still Co sleeping. I miss my partner & would really like to have some time with him before another round of pregnancy & infant, but I just can't imagine putting DS to sleep alone in his room. If a sibling could just appear already 1 year old as if I had raised him/her but I didn't have to go through pregnancy or infant stage that would be awesome!

Also, I'm 38 (I think. Maybe 39 LOL), so time is not on my side. I feel like I got VERY lucky with my son & worry about odds at my age. Last, all this may be irrelevant if we can't afford 2 in daycare. I have NO desire to be a SAHM. I enjoy my WOH. Though I could change my mind once past infant stage. I carry the insurance for our family as well as dp is trying to get his business going strong.

So how did you decide if you wanted to go through it all for a second & when?

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[hippiemombian]

This is something that I keep going back and forth on. I would love another, but I really enjoy only having my two girls. I think for me though, I don't think I will ever regret having a child, but I think I would regret NOT having one.

[LynnS6]

Personally, I think a 3 year span is really nice. I know that you're an "older" mom. I was 36 when ds was born and 39 when dd was born. Other than the fact that some of ds's classmates have grandmas my age (or nearly so), it's not been a problem. For me, ds was so much more independent and able to wait at 3 than he was at 2. IMO, it's really hard to have a new 2 year old and a newborn.

Whether you have another is really something you'll have to figure out. Can you make it through the pregnancy and infant stages and stay sane. I'm OK with infants, fine with toddlers, but I really really like having kids who can converse with me.

[Magali]

My kids were both planned for.  I wanted to be pregnant so badly with both of them.  But I am done!  I love being a mom and I give them both my all.  But the reality is that I want more of my self back.  I want to SLEEP, to get rid of this leftover baby belly, to spend more one on one time with my husband.  I don't want to go through another labor. The feelings of yearning for another baby are gone.  It's a good feeling.  I guess for me, it's just that.  The desire for more kids has left the building. 

[neonalee]

Thanks for the replies mamas. They've given me some thoughts. The only solid one being that 9 months of pregnancy + the infant months isn't that long & it wont be a deciding factor for a 2nd child.

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[etsdtm99]

it goes by so much faster with 2nd/3rd children..  i think my son was an infant for like 3 seconds and my dd2 for 1 second.. she is 15 months now and it seriously feels like we skipped the baby stage..  now, it also feels like i've been dealing with potty training and DS for ever (over a year now, seriously) so .. while it gets more fun in some ways, the older my kids get the more i love the simple infant stage, so you might end up enjoying it more the 2nd time.. its less stressful with less adjustment the 2nd time around.. you'll be more confident in your mothering and all of that ;)  anyway.. i love the newborn/infant phase LOVE it, so take my opinion with a grian of salt .. i do dislike being pregnant though at the same time i can't wiat to do it again.. i'm not sure what kind of hormonal craziness has possessed me but we're planning a #4 so .. yeah..

[XanaduMama]

In both cases (#2 and #3), it happened because I had a strong, irresistible urge to do it and knew I'd be terribly unhappy if I didn't. Even when logic or reason counseled against it! So dd was conceived when ds was only 18mo or so--and this after a REALLY tough first year (he didn't sleep at all and in fact was still waking every 2 hours to BF at night until we nightweaned at 20mo). But it was just something I "had" to do, kwim? Plus I figured that I may as well go ahead while I was already sleep deprived and used to it, which actually worked out pretty well. We coslept with both of them for most of dd's first year and it was just fine.

Same this time. Our youngest is now 3.5, so it's a much bigger age gap, and I've had no urge until the last couple of months (which is good, because it was never a rational time). I agonized for months about whether to go for #3 or not, but despite all the very good reasons against it (especially that I was feeling for the first time in years that my kids were past the immediately needy baby/toddler stage, I had more time to myself and for work, etc)... I just couldn't NOT do it. When I got my BFP I was instantly thrilled, and when I had a bad bleed a few weeks ago, I was utterly devastated to think I might be losing this baby (who is fine, btw). So that told me that my feelings were pretty unequivocal.

And overall, I just figured (and argued) that we would certainly regret not having another, but nobody really regrets having more kids.

As for the long stage of infancy, my mantra has been that "the days are long but the years are short." And this is so true--as PP said, the first years just flew by with #2, and I know I'm going to have to enjoy every infant moment with the new babe, because they'll be off to kindergarten (like my first baby just did!) before I can blink.

[SweetPotato]

Our dd will be 6.5 when her new brother is born.  We have been SO happy having only her, but I've honestly spent the last 6 years waffling about whether or not to have another, and I really believe that I may have second-guessed a decision not to for the rest of my life.  Now that I'm 6 months along, I've gotten over the worrying about how it will be and am just excited and happy about it  :)  Dd is thrilled about being a big sister.  Dh and I are both glad that we've had a breather of sorts, and I feel ready to (hopefully) enjoy all the younger stages again, rather than being overwhelmed by them (as I think I would have been if we'd had a close spacing).  I just turned 35, and I can certainly understand being concerned about the age issue with waiting.  Honestly, I think you can't go wrong.  I loved having an only, and I think dd and our family would have thrived if that was the way things remained.  I think having another is going to be a challenge in many ways, but I think about how deeply I love dd, and the thought of loving someone else that much as well just seems too special to pass up.  It's a tough decision-- good luck!

[EuroMama]

I am pregnant with our DS2 who is due at the end of this month. Our DS1 isjust turned 9 and it took us that long to decide if we wanted another child.

We just weren't ready to have another child for a long time.

People constantly comment on how far apart they will be. But I believe in my heart they are going to be so close. DS1 is going to be such an amazing big brother.

If I went by what everybody else wanted us to do, we'd have 16 kids by now, all 1 year apart. But we went by what felt right to us, and to us, for a long time, one child seemed enough for us.

Now we're ready for our DS2 to add more happiness to our family. :):)

[mommariffic]

I got the itch for a second when DD was approaching 2 (I think I can't remember..) she was a very very difficult high needs baby so it was totally an impulse move..luckily DS was/is a fairly easy little man and we have all adjusted well. But my pregnancy with the second is what stops me from thinking about a third child -- it was so hard. I was in bed most of the time in pain and hardly able to move for the last few months, and I was miserable for myself and for the lack of time I could spend with DD. I do NOT want that to happen again! 

Also I would love to sleep, and have my life back a tiny bit. So I think we will just adopt some animals instead 

[laohaire]

Just tagging along to work out my own thoughts.

DH has been talking about having another one lately. We just have the one, and she is 6. DH and I are both 35.

I was an only child and perfectly happy with it. DH was one of two, so of course he comes from a family experience of two children.

Pregnancy and birth: I'm ok going through this again; I'm not exactly ecstatic to do so but I can deal with it.

Finances: DH is a bit worried about this. I feel like it would work out ok. Sure, we wouldn't be as secure as with only one child, but we would certainly be able to care for another child. One worry would be the cost of the birth - $1k if we used the hospital this time, and a lot more if we used a midwife again. Every time I think to myself "ok, I guess I'd just go to the hospital and just wait as long as possible before going" my brain just shorts out. I don't think I can do it. So I guess, yeah, we'd have to pony up for a midwife. But this isn't a show-stopper for me. I think having wanted children is more important than more money in the bank (though of course I think parents should be financially secure enough to adequately care for their children, but we can do that).

Health: I think this is where I'm really anxious. DD's first 3 years took a LOT out of me. Heck, to be honest, even giving birth to her took a lot out of me. But the lack of sleep was extreme. Oh, it was awful. I ran my health into the ground. DH, reasonably, feels we can do things differently this time, and I think he's right. But I still feel like I'm kind of still recovering, so I am afraid of putting ANY more stress on myself, if that makes any sense.

Baby fever: If I wanted a baby, then even the health thing wouldn't stand in my way. But I apparently am one of those women who don't get baby fever. Oh, babies are cute, sure. But seeing one doesn't ignite any fire in my belly. Apparently it does for DH - he'll see a cute baby and WANT one. However, maybe this isn't a real factor. I didn't have baby fever before having DD either. I just intellectually felt that life would be empty without being a parent. DH and I got married. We finished college (we married while still in college). We got jobs. We saved up for a house. We decided we'd start a family when we got a house - our apartment was great but so tiny we couldn't picture living with a child in it. (And probably illegal anyway; it was a one-bedroom... probably 400 or 450 square feet). So we moved into the house, and it was time to have a baby, right? I waited about 6 months for the feeling of "yes! I'm ready!" to set in. It didn't budge. So I just closed my eyes and jumped off that cliff. I was never really ready for it. But no regrets at all; I love DD with all my heart. And I know intellectually I'd love another child if we had one.

But to make the active choice to make one? I just really don't know.

I've told my husband if he wants one I'd do it for him. He's not sure. I know if I told him I wanted one, he'd be onboard right away but he's not sure about making that choice alone. I don't blame him. But I did put that out there because I know a lot of women really want another baby and their husbands just say no - I don't want to be that spouse. If DH feels a space in his heart he needs to fill with another child, I will do that. If we did this there would be no resentment at all, but I would feel some fear that I would no doubt come to MDC to try to work through.

So I guess I just don't have any particular need for another child, but I would not say no if it came to be. DH and I also are on the same page about unexpected pregnancies - we would just welcome one into our lives even if it wasn't the "right" time. But that's still different from actually trying to make a baby, which my DH is thinking about.

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

So I think we will just adopt some animals instead 

Hehe, this is exactly what I said: either we have another baby, or I want a dog. Guess the mutt will have to wait