For those with super high needs kiddos around 18 months.....(and i'm talking, off the charts..)

[DeChRi]

....what do you DO with them?  I have 3 DDs.  My first was what I called high needs.  Second, was reallllly tough.  Third, bwahahaha....there are not words.  Background, she has a health condition we are getting under control, but her first 12-13 months were spent in chronic pain and misery, so all of those normal and developmental boundries you set along the way just never were there.  Now she is managing well and is like nothing I have ever seen.  We are doing OT and really, she just is a disaster.  A delightful disaster, but still. :)  She only sleeps in about 30 min spurts (part of her health stuff really takes a toll here).....she has to be moving chronically.  She will not sit (at the table, for an activity, in a carseat, anywhere)....every move she makes seems to be in a an effort to injure herself.  We can't have one single person watch both the little two (my oldest is 12 and does her own thing, other DD is 4 yr) because she completely requires 100% attention.  I can't seem to do any focused activity with her. We can't go to story time.  She makes my oldest DDs music programs utter hell.  We are nearly homebound at this point, which in and of itself is a disaster.  Plus, with winter arriving, the go to of outside and run is less of an option.  Even a trip to the store = can't get her in cart, if I do she rages and flails so I can't buckle her, if I don't buckle her she jumps out, if I let her walk she destroys everything, and wearing her just makes her livid.

All that said...she SEEM to be turning a corner.....she had one book she has taken to and will listen to most of.  She seems to be noticing the world around her and taking an interest.  She is SOOO funny and most of her behavior is not malicious.....she really just struggles to know how to handle the world around her. 

So I am wondering how most people with other kids manage a high needs toddler.  What do you do with them?  Like activity wise?  Should I be moving her all the time and go to open gym as much as possible?  Or do I try making it to story time 3x a week to encourage the focus and just leave when we have to?  Do I "force" (hate that word) some compliance at this age? It's just that "making" a very physical 18 month old do anything really equals physical restraint, which is not my thing.  LIke I will not force hold her at the table for 20 min because the OT says she needs to learn to sit at the table.  She Wants to engage appropriately.  I am failing at teaching her how.  And because we lost that first year of natural developing behaviors, I kind of forget what to do with her.  I almost feel like I adopted an 18 month old and have no idea what to do with her.  She is SOOO funny....even her destruction is done with humor.  I just have to be able to get a grip on her somehow. 

What does your toddler like to do at this age? 

[Buzzer Beater]

Hey DeChRi...

Man I feel for you. We are still having sleep and other issues here, but nothing like that. And your trip to the store sounds a lot like ours, but I think ours is not quite so bad.

I don't have any answers for you, but since we have similar issues around the table I'll just give you my two cents on that. I think this age is okay to start working on behaviors, and we're doing that. But NOT around the table or food. There are times we have to restrain our kiddo, like getting her in the car seat, or when we put her appliances on at night. We commisserate, validate her feelings, and we have to do it. Every night she's like a tornado trying to get away from the night routine, the kicking is awful.

Is your dd eating any solids or still on the formula? I would not force table time. Our OT did not say anything about "keeping" her at the table for a length of time at a meal. We are actually trying to be more casual about meals in the hopes she will feed herself more.

Wish I had more ideas for you about what to do with her time. Sounds exhausting.  

[DeChRi]

Thanks. :) I was wondering how you guys were doing!  Your bedtime sounds like ours.  For each kid thus far I thought was a horrible sleeper, #3 takes the cake.  Last week she got a clean scope on 6 foods, and we are just starting a set of another 6 foods before her next scope.  She doesn't get a lot down and feeding therapy is working on it (choking, gagging, vomiting when she tries, but getting much better).  She is still getting most of her nutrition from the amino acid formula, which at her age comes in a juice box, which she loves. 

Will post more later, she is coloring in a book. ;-)

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow every time I read one of your posts I feel like I'm reading about DS, so weird because they aren't really alike (and DS doesn't have EE, at least as far as I know) but somehow they seem so similar!!

I would just focus on the things she enjoys and that are relatively 'easy' for you... so if open gym is the one place everyone is happy, just go there as often as you can (maybe invite some friends too, to keep YOU company?) I wouldn't do something like story time right now if it's a chore for you all, there will be time for that when she's older. And I wouldn't make a big deal out of table time, maybe start with trying to get her to stay there for 1 minute, and add another minute every few days until you reach her limit (which may be 5mins, not 20!) One thing DS has trouble with is spending even 5 seconds away from me... so we just keep working on 5-second intervals, and sometimes now I can go into the other room for a whole minute and check on something in the oven or whatever! Very very baby steps....

I'm trying to remember what DS liked at 18mos (he's almost 3 now)... He has always liked to be read to & to listen to music, but it sounds like your DD isn't really into that. He liked playing outside, but had no tolerance for cold weather, so winter was (still is) tough. The children's museum was a hit, especially their indoor playground, and there are botanical gardens near here that he enjoyed because it's like being outside but warm! Except stressful too for me because he'd get into trouble there, but at least he was having fun & not just feeling miserable. IDK, it's hard for me to think of things that would work with a 4yo too because I just have DS so it's easier for me to get out & keep him from destroying everything, plus he's happier when he's out so we HAD to be out a lot, still do... I can't think of too many things he liked to do at home, except roughhousing with me, which we did a lot of, and lots of action songs (like Ring Around the Rosy).

DS never slept more than 30mins or so either, then when he turned 2 he suddenly started sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch. That made a huge difference in our lives... sleep deprivation is serious torture. That's also the same time that he started eating (before that he basically survived on breastmilk) and I think being able to eat & swallow solid foods somehow helped him in some inexplicable way.

When I started doing Montessori-style activities with DS, that helped to focus his energy some (it's a bit hit & miss and I have to really challenge him but if I make it too hard he shuts down, and too easy he just doesn't see the point). Oh and YOGA.... yoga made a big difference for us too... there is a kid's yoga studio that I started taking him to last year and it was more helpful than OT or anything else... he needed just the right kind of environment to learn to move his body in space, if that makes sense.

I don't know what else to say but I really feel for you...

[behaviourmama]

Originally Posted by DeChRi 

So I am wondering how most people with other kids manage a high needs toddler.  What do you do with them?  Like activity wise?  Should I be moving her all the time and go to open gym as much as possible?  Or do I try making it to story time 3x a week to encourage the focus and just leave when we have to?  Do I "force" (hate that word) some compliance at this age? It's just that "making" a very physical 18 month old do anything really equals physical restraint, which is not my thing.  LIke I will not force hold her at the table for 20 min because the OT says she needs to learn to sit at the table.  She Wants to engage appropriately.  I am failing at teaching her how.  And because we lost that first year of natural developing behaviors, I kind of forget what to do with her.  I almost feel like I adopted an 18 month old and have no idea what to do with her.  She is SOOO funny....even her destruction is done with humor.  I just have to be able to get a grip on her somehow. 

What does your toddler like to do at this age? 

I feel for you!!! I don't have a high needs toddler, but I have worked with some, and the energy it takes to manage, let alone teach, must be exhausting.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

And I wouldn't make a big deal out of table time, maybe start with trying to get her to stay there for 1 minute, and add another minute every few days until you reach her limit (which may be 5mins, not 20!) One thing DS has trouble with is spending even 5 seconds away from me... so we just keep working on 5-second intervals, and sometimes now I can go into the other room for a whole minute and check on something in the oven or whatever! Very very baby steps....

I would agree with crunchy mommy, and take it a step further by encouraging you to set a few goals that you can try to push forward in very very baby steps. So, take her to the table a few times through the day, and try to make it fun and engaging, and end it on your terms before she starts to lose focus. You can keep a few books and a puzzle, or stickers, or crayon and paper, etc. on hand that you can take her to a few times through the day.. even if she only sits for one page of the book, and you do that a number of times through the day, then she is learning. Next, you can aim for two pages, etc. You could even go so far as to set up little centres in your home, not to force her to do them in some rigid routine, but as visual reminders for yourself that you have options, and take her to do them as much as you and she can tolerate.

[DeChRi]

Thank you so much for the replies.  I am glad others are surviving this.  I found a great music and movement class today and the instructor emphasized they expect 1 yr olds to be one yr olds.  It is a great mix of some focus but loads of moving.  Our library does story time for 6 month to 2 yr, another one for 2-3 yr olds, then an all ages family time.  All ages are welcome at any.  We have been doing the 2-3 yr old as a good mid range.  We may try the 1 yr old class which is bound to be "busier". :)  I also have just brought back our great sitter for 5 hrs a week, to watch one child while I take the other for some age appropriate time. 

One thing I want to work on is gym time.  I work out about 5x a week to keep me sane.  All 3 kids go to the childcare there at 4pm and run crazy.  BUT, my little 2 only will go without meltdown if my 12 yr old is there.  She is slowly getting tired of that.  I may try and work to get them there in tiny blocks of time each morning instead, solo.  Even if 5 min the first time. 

I am hoping, as we are finally able to start feeding her food, that she feels a little more in control of her life and that will influence things.  Right when I was about to lose my mind with her today, she runs over to me, picks up my shirt, lays her head on my tummy and says "baba" (we are expecting surprise #4 in April) and laid there still for about 10 seconds.  I about melted. 

The other thing that calms her, ironically, are dogs.  She loves them in a way I have never seen.  We lost our dog the year before she came.  She will sit next to dog for infinite amounts of time.  We totally do not have the bandwidth for a full time pup, but my exhusband and his wife live about a mile away, and they have our (ex-dh and I's) old sweet pound pup.  We keep her when they go out of town and Elle just Love her. (As does my 12 yr old, since she had been around her since birth).  They said we can take her on loaner for whatever time we want...we have a key to their house to we can go have doggie time.  I may take them up on that. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I wonder if she would like horseback riding?? My DS has gotten to take a few pony rides at fairs & stuff and to see him on there.... it's like night & day, he is such a calm & happy kid on that pony!! If we could afford it, I'd sign him up for riding sessions in a heartbeat! Sorry, I had a great link once that listed therapeutic riding facilities by state but now I can't find it, I'll post it if I come across it...

[DeChRi]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I wonder if she would like horseback riding?? My DS has gotten to take a few pony rides at fairs & stuff and to see him on there.... it's like night & day, he is such a calm & happy kid on that pony!! If we could afford it, I'd sign him up for riding sessions in a heartbeat! Sorry, I had a great link once that listed therapeutic riding facilities by state but now I can't find it, I'll post it if I come across it...

Our neighbor actually is well networked in the riding world here, works at a stable and owns horses.  I will ask her.  Great idea.