7 yo dd scratched face at school today

[catinthehat]

My 7 yo dd came home today with 2 pretty deep gouges on both cheeks.  She said she scratched herself b/c she was angry at herself.  She wouldn't tell me at first why she was so upset that she would do that.  I told her I would have to call her teacher if she didn't tell me, so she agreed to explain what happened.  Apparently a homework sheet that we had in her backpack last night and didn't get to do b/c she had other homework too was to be turned in today.  The teacher told her she had to stand against the wall during recess b/c she didn't do it.  My dd claims she didn't know it was due today.  I don't know if that's true or not, but it seems a mute point.  I am really concerned about her scratching herself b/c of it. 

Any thoughts? Advice?  How concerned should I be about this?  Her teacher has said she is very hard on herself and gets pretty upset when she has to make corrections or clean her desk.  I know dd tries VERY hard to "be good" at school.  Which is surprising to me b/c at home she certainly doesn't.  But at school she does not talk at all, for fear of getting marks on her sheet for talking during class. 

We are also having a baby here in the next week or two.

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I don't know what I would do about that, but it does sound she's way too hard on herself.   It's probably in her temperament to be a perfectionist, but I hope there's a way to help her ease up on herself a little.

Hopefully the teacher can help you out with this a little.  Maybe if she doesn't turn in a homework assignment, the teacher can give her some time to do it again during class so she doesn't feel like it's such a big deal.  

When my daughter was in grade school "sitting on the wall" meant redoing, or finishing an assignment, not just sitting there.  The kids only sat on the wall to do homework.   A kid could also CHOOSE to sit on the wall and use recess time to do homework ahead of time so they didn't have to take it home and do it that night.  The boys chose to sit on the wall so they could play outside after school instead of sitting at home doing homework. 

[catinthehat]

Thanks for the reply.  I find it kind of strange really.  She has always been way more on the explosive/impulsive end of things.  I never thought of her as a perfectionist in the past, but you're right that she does seem to be that way now.  This trying to be perfect in school is new in the last year. 

I wrote the teacher an email asking for her thoughts on the cause and what should be done about it.  Hopefully we will be able to have a dialogue about it. 

I am not even sure my daughter realized she had cut herself.  When I asked her why she would scratch herself and make herself bleed, she seemed really surprised to hear that she had actually cut herself and went to look in the mirror.  That makes me think it wasn't a cry for attention, but she was actually just that frustrated and angry.   

[Cyllya]

Wait, she had to stand against against the wall? For an entire recess period? Er, isn't that going to be really painful? Granted, standing hurts me more than it hurts most people, so I'm not sure what's "normal," in this situation... but then how does your DD's teacher know that she doesn't have whatever mysterious quirk I have? I'd probably be digging my fingernails into myself too. And I'm not even a perfectionist.

Plus, if she's standing in view of her peers (or even school staff), it's kind of humiliating. If she was required to stand with her face to the wall, that would be worse.

[Imakcerka]

She's 7, a homework assignment should not be that serious.  That is just way too much pressure on a kid.  I once stabbed my self in the hand with a pencil while taking a math quiz in 1st grade.  I had an undiagnosed learning disability.  At the time I was overwhelmed and angry because I knew I couldn't finish all the problems in the 1 minute allowed.  Not to say that's normal though.  I would talk with her teacher.  If she already knows she's hard on herself I would find her to blame for adding more to her issues by forcing her to stand on the wall for homework.  Which by the way I feel is the parents responsibility as well at that age.  Not blaming you just saying the teacher could have sent you a note about it rather than punishing your girl.

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Originally Posted by Cyllya 

Wait, she had to stand against against the wall? For an entire recess period? Er, isn't that going to be really painful? 

I doubt it's literally standing on a wall.  I would hope not.  It might mean standing instead of sitting, but I think it means in front of a certain wall, or near a certain wall.  Every school has some version of this for whatever reason they choose to have it.

I DO think having to stand on the wall in 1st grade for forgetting homework is a bit overdoing it.  I can't imagine one homework assignment is "wall worthy" at that young.  

But, this is only one side of the story.... I'm curious to find out what the teacher says about it, because maybe it got confused in the retelling.  I really do hope that school isn't becoming so academically rigid that a simple homework assignment deserves a time out during recess.   I think just getting a half grade on an assignment it more appropriate....but, in 1st grade, I think a reminder from the teacher is even better.

Kids need to learn how to organize themselves, and remember things like that.... they are just STARTING to learn it in 1st grade... by 5th grade the kids are expected to do it all themselves, but in 1st, they still need constant guidance.

[catinthehat]

Thanks for the replies.  Haven't heard from her teacher yet, but I think I will bring up a few of the things mentioned here to her when I do get to talk to her.  I agree that standing against a wall b/c you didn't do your homework seems extreme for second grade.  I don't remember ever being punished for not doing homework, other than getting a bad grade.   But every teacher does things differently!  I learned last year when I had some issues with dd's teacher that sometimes it is best not to bring them up!  The teacher was hateful to me all year b/c I took issue with some of her methods and some of the things she said to my child.  So I feel really worried about asking dd's teacher to change her techniques this year.  However, if standing against the wall illicits the response from my child of cutting her own face in frustration, then maybe the teacher will be sympathetic.  I hope so. 

A little off topic here, but are girls at seven getting hormonal surges already?  In the last month dd has been doing this very dramatic screaming and yelling at me and dh and little sister for any old thing we say to her.  Feels hormonal.  Gosh I hope not yet.

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Originally Posted by catinthehat 

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A little off topic here, but are girls at seven getting hormonal surges already?  In the last month dd has been doing this very dramatic screaming and yelling at me and dh and little sister for any old thing we say to her.  Feels hormonal.  Gosh I hope not yet.

It is a very mood-swingy age.  I loved four and five, but seven-ten were hard.

[catinthehat]

Just got an email from her teacher, the story is slightly different then what dd told me.  Apparently the teacher had dd's name on the board to remind her of who still needed to turn in their homework sheet.  She was going to have some of the kids stand by the wall who's names were on the board(I am guessing the kids who hadn't turned in multiple assignments), but she told dd she didn't have to stand by the wall(presumably b/c dd usually turns in her assignments and is really "good" in class).  However, dd wouldn't hear that from her teacher and thought b/c her name was on the board she still had to stand by the wall and so she got really emotional in class and wouldn't settle down enough to hear what the teacher and classmates were telling her.  This is the point when she scratched her face(we think), teacher didn't notice the scratches till later. 

She has been doing this same stuff at home( not the scratching, but the emotional outbursts).  She gets very emotional over things that are said to her or asked of her and can't settle down and listen to what we say to her, even when we speak calmly and kindly and are not blaming her. 

I wonder if seven year olds go through some kind of moral development stage.  I think she is trying really hard to be good and do the right thing, but is unable to all the time so beats herself up about it.  She is naturally a person that thinks really deeply about what is "right" and "wrong".  She doesn't always try to do the right thing, but she is very morally aware, I would say.  I think the new baby may also be tweaking her out.  It is due any day, and I wonder if she feels a lot of conflict over wanting and not wanting a new baby in the house. 

At any rate, I will keep stressing to her that perfection is not the point, and that we all make mistakes.  I will also try to talk to her about these emotional outbursts and how we can help her with them.  Any other suggestions, thoughts? 

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It could be partially the new baby.  Remember at that age, you had silly fears that seemed obvious to you, but absurd to everybody else.  She may have some strange thought in her head about the baby, or you having a baby, or something bad happening to you, and this may be taking over her thoughts.  I remember hearing someone say that in Hawaii, most women died in childbirth, and I thought my aunt was going to die, because she'd been to Hawaii.   I was so obsessed with it, but when she had the baby, and was fine, I was still afraid.  (I also heard marshmallows grew on trees and I believed that too.... and I believed that if you swallowed gum, it would sit there for seven years)

If she's a perfectionist, or too hard on herself, I can see how she'd tune everything else out.  She may think "Oh, they are just saying I'm not in trouble, but, I know they are disappointed in me, they are just SAYING they aren't".  

[LynnS6]

A really good book that was recommended to me is "The Whole Brain Child" by Siegel -- our 7 year old also is highly emotional and has a hard time regulating herself. This book has given me some ideas to help her connect her "thinking" brain with her emotional side, which she seems to have a hard time doing.

I'd be concerned enough to talk to the school counselor as well. It sounds to me like your daughter's got considerable anxiety about school. I don't think their discipline methods are helping (they seem to be very shaming), but with the added stress of a new baby, she might well need a little outside help.

[catinthehat]

I called the guidance counselor at my dd's school today and asked her to talk to dd about the incident and how she is doing.  She called me later in the day to let me know how the conversation went.  The guidance counselor said she feels that the class has some difficult students in it, and dd does not want to be labeled as one of those "bad" kids by her teacher.  The teacher has a tendency to single out several bad kids in the class as well as single out the good kids.  The labels are very clear.  So when dd's name was put on the board with the names of the "bad" kids who never do their homework, she freaked out. 

So it sounds like the classroom environment in creating a lot of anxiety in dd to be perfect so she isn't labeled as bad.  I am not sure how much of this I can change.  But I am glad I talked to the guidance counselor about it so that I can help dd here at home.  Now I know what we can work on. 

Thanks for your help.