Brand spanking new single mother here (HELP!)

[Kirstyandgirls]

Hi everyone,

I used to come on MDC all the time when my oldest was a baby and a little with my youngest (they are now 7 & 3) I'm back now beacuse I can't think of a better place to get support from like minded mothers.

I've been with my DP (D does not mean darling in this case!) for what would have been 10 years in April coming. Until a year ago he was an alright partner, not great but we enjoyed each other company and were really close. I can't really see where it all went wrong.

He used to have a well paid job with regular hours. But as it was in construction; when the recession hit all work dried up and he was made redundant. He had a few temp jobs here and there but was out of work fully for about 18 months.

I was working part-time as a breastfeeding peer supporter, but was also made redundant. Luckily I already had a place on NHS funded degree course to train as a midwife (my dream since I was little) So that was well needed income, and I'm in my 2nd year now.

Last november DP had the opportunity to run his own pub! I hated this idea but he went ahead anyway and I did my best to support him. In feb he took on a 19yo blonde barmaid, soon she split with her bf and moved into the flat above the pub .... you can see it coming can't you?

In May I asked to see his phone records, due to his suspicious phone behaviour. I saw that in march and april he text this girl 450 times! I wanted to leave him but stayed because I genuinly believed him when he said nothing sexual was going on. He agreed that a 33yo married father of 2 should not be texting a 19yo girl and promised it would stop. I asked him to get rid of her and he initally agreed but then backtracked and I agreed that she could stay as he agreed to only work day times and not stay there getting drunk and staying out all night.

I should have left then.

It was good for a while, he was at home more but gradually the staying out and dodgy phone behaviour started again

Three weeks ago I confronted him about this and he confessed that he had slept with this girl (teenager!!!) once, he ended it there because he felt so bad. A few weeks later she comes to him and says that shes pregnant. He coerces her into an abortion (his words not mine - although I agree, she a kid fgs)

I chuck him out but he is sooo remorseful, begging for me to take him back, promising he will make amends etc etc.

I let him back in the house,we both delete our facebooks, I get tested for STD's - he agrees to also, he gets a manager to take over his job at the pub, and comes to marriage councelling with me.

We have many heart to heart and I bear my soul to him, begin sleeping with him again... he was showing every sign that he is a good man that made a terrible mistake. The biggest issue that we were going to talk about in councelling was that he felt so guilty for what he did to this girl he was struggling with getting her to move out of the pub.

So yesterday, I look in my internet history and see a secret twitter account, I log-on and she is his only follow. there was a 'tweet' a couple of days after I let him back say 'sat with a sexy blonde' I try to log onto his FB and he has change the password. Luckily his email is the same so I reset his password, get into his facebook and see message, from the last few days, between them both say 'I love you', 'I miss you', Gnight babes, cant wait to spend more that five minutes with you' :puke:

I run through to FIL who lives with us and show him the msgs and tell him about the abortion and everything. I pack all of his stuff into binbags, drive them to the pub, dump them in the middle of the bar and tell a member of staff (who from his reaction knew all along) that if DP ever comes near my house or my children I will erm... do something drastic to his man parts!

Then back at home, still on his facebook I msg 'Hi (girls name), Interesting conversation! I have dropped all 'babes' stuff off, Hope you have a happy life together.

I then change his status to 'DP is a lying cheating scumbag who has been f*****g (tagged - girls name) and lying to his wife and kids.

I then deleted them both and related friends off facebook and changed my status to single!

I've had my MIL, SIL's on the phone crying for me and my girls, promising this girl will never be allow in their lives, disgusted by his behaviour and as devastated as I am

Of course he trying ringing and texting me (saying that he's sorry and he loves me!) and I ignored him. i sent him an email this mornig saying that I didn't want to talk to him or see him and all childcare/finacial discussion can be done via email. I also said we will sit the children down after xmas and tell them that we are separating

How on earth do I shatter my babies world like that?

Thanks for reading (if anyone gets this far!) It helps to get it off my chest a bit

[LorenaAZ]

  Mama, that sounds really rough.  It amazes me what people do sometimes.

You are doing well by standing your ground.  It's also very very helpful that his family is on your side (rightfully so).

For the kids.......at this point you know that staying with him would make your lives miserable - it would be a dysfunctional family.  So you can think about it in terms of giving your children what they need, individually and in a healthy manner.  You will be amazed at how much your parenting improves when the person causing you grief is removed from your everyday interactions. 

I wouldn't know how to tell the children.  I left ex when my dd was 8 months old, so I never had to go through that. 

Take it one step at a time. 

Lots of hugs, Mama.  You'll get through this.

[mamayogibear]

Originally Posted by Kirstyandgirls 

How on earth do I shatter my babies world like that?

Thanks for reading (if anyone gets this far!) It helps to get it off my chest a bit

Mama, you are not shattering your babies world, he is! You are being a positive role model by not allowing your family to associate with the bimbo teenager. And I'm glad your MIL is on your side! Hang in there *hug*

[jess in hawaii]

You are doing the right thing! Don't ask me how I know, suffice it to say BTDT and I wish I had figured it out as well as you are. Good luck Mama!

[mami2f3]

You rock! You are an excellent role model for your children about how to respect yourself and stand up for yourself! You are giving them a better life by not allwoing yourself to be treated this way. I love your anger and I also feel your heartbreaking sadness. Even when I know what I am doing is right, I feel ripped apart by giving my kids divorced parents.

Just stay strong, ask for help, take care of yourself. 

[Halfasianmomma]

You know that list you wrote for yourself in the "Why I Love being a single mother" thread? Print it out, post it everywhere and re-read it daily. Remember that what is happening right now is a direct consequence of HIS choice to a) dive nose first into a bottle regularly, and b) lie and be unfaithful to you regularly. The man needs to realize that his choices will have long lasting consequences.

I don't know if you have done this already, but I would consult with a few lawyers to see what your rights and obligations are...

I think you're doing a fantastic job of modelling how to enforce boundaries for your children; they may not understand now, or in a few years, but eventually, they will understand that their mama doesn't accept being disrespected and lied to.

I know all this is fresh, which is why I strongly recommend counselling and Al-Anon for you to go through the grieving process. Having been married to a lying, cheating, alcoholic/drug user, I totally know where you're coming from.

[Kirstyandgirls]

Oh you ladies are exactly why I came back to MDC. I love you all and your comments are exactly what I need to hear tonight.

He has been emailing me today and I have only replied to things about money and children ... he's starting to get pissy because he has debt collecters after him and I won't send of our joint claim for family tax credits. I have called the mortgage company and made arrangements to clear the debts and continue regular payments. I told him that I was being more than fair to take over all the household bills and debts and only leave him with personal debts in his name. I also wrote that he has given up the right to tell me how to run my life.

He had wrote that he loves me, is not seeing this girl, only wants me and the family back together yada yada yada but I ignored this and stuck to money and the kids in my reply. He text me and asked that I reply to the other parts of the email. I emailed back (because he hasn't paid my phone bill so I cant text!) that I was not prepared to discuss the relationship because I have tried that and he doesn't respect me enough to be honest.

He wanted to see the kids so I suggested that he come over after school, make them tea, hang out then put them to bed (the normal dad stuff they've been missing out on) I left the house before he came (FIL is still living with me - a whole other story!) and came back after he left. (ETA: lol I'm english, by tea I mean dinner)

Today I find myself hoping that he sorts himself out so I can take him back :( Is that normal?

So I came here to read my list on the other thread and found all your wonderful replies. 

Thank you soooo much, you are all giving me the strength I need to stand my ground and do the right thing xxx

Edited by Kirstyandgirls - 12/16/11 at 2:30pm

[Kirstyandgirls]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma 

I don't know if you have done this already, but I would consult with a few lawyers to see what your rights and obligations are...

Luckily we never married so legal wise things are pretty straight forward. debts in his name are his, debts in my name are mine. the mortgage is in joint names so that may become a problem down the line but for now I just need to clear the arrears and make the regualr payments, which I can afford.

I think I'm an advert for co-habitting if ever I saw one, i would be screwed if we were married!

[*MamaJen*]

I love how you stood up for yourself. Brilliant. Honestly, it sounds like you've essentially been a single mother for some time now. When I went from "basically a single mother because my ex did nothing to pull his weight" to "finally got my head on straight and became a for real single mother" my life got a whole lot better and easier. Good luck to you!

[Phoenix~Mama]

You are doing amazing! *hugs* You have so much strength. And what all the other wise ladies have already said... YOU did not rip up the family... HE DID with his poor choices. It is normal to feel that way though. But what others have said too, you are giving your children the best life lesson possible about boundaries and respect. Staying in a broken marriage for the kids does not usually help the kids, especially when all they see is a poor example of what marriage is, or rather what it should not be.

It is totally normal to hope he changes too. But you know change takes time. A lot of time, like years of seeing devoted counseling attendance and AA. I'm not one to say people don't change. I've changed a lot. But it's a CHOICE that a person has to make, and prove. It would need to be years of reform to believe a change has actually happened...

You and your girls will be okay. *hugs* It's awesome that you have family support. That goes a long way. :-)

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by Kirstyandgirls 

He has been emailing me today and I have only replied to things about money and children ... he's starting to get pissy because he has debt collecters after him and I won't send of our joint claim for family tax credits. I have called the mortgage company and made arrangements to clear the debts and continue regular payments. I told him that I was being more than fair to take over all the household bills and debts and only leave him with personal debts in his name. I also wrote that he has given up the right to tell me how to run my life.

He had wrote that he loves me, is not seeing this girl, only wants me and the family back together yada yada yada but I ignored this and stuck to money and the kids in my reply. He text me and asked that I reply to the other parts of the email. I emailed back (because he hasn't paid my phone bill so I cant text!) that I was not prepared to discuss the relationship because I have tried that and he doesn't respect me enough to be honest.

He wanted to see the kids so I suggested that he come over after school, make them tea, hang out then put them to bed (the normal dad stuff they've been missing out on) I left the house before he came (FIL is still living with me - a whole other story!) and came back after he left. (ETA: lol I'm english, by tea I mean dinner)

Today I find myself hoping that he sorts himself out so I can take him back :( Is that normal?

There's a saying in Al-Anon I love deeply: "If you sober up a horse thief, what do you get? A Sober horse thief". The same applies to your now X (and mine): take away the booze and the drugs, and they are still lying, cheating, manipulative @sses. The desire to see them clean and sober is strong, but...play the tape AAAAAALL the way through and imagine him attending AA or NarAnon faithfully...would that solve the other issues? Probably not.

I repeat a few of those Al-Anon mantras to myself whenever I find myself indulging in "Magical Thinking" (i.e. the La La Land where everyone is happy happy, there are no drugs  or booze, etc)...it helps me come right back down to earth.

GOOD FOR YOU for keeping the communication strictly to topics related to separation of household finances and to the children. I would still consult a lawyer concerning custody and visitation, only to know what rights and obligations you have. A lot of single mamas on this board have had numerous problems with visitations being offered and then cancelled on, or vistation being abused of (i.e. X drops in unannounced whenever he pleases and throws a hissy fit if you can't or won't accomodate him). Having a legally binding custody agreement that you can (generously) choose to add to can be very helpful, especially where visitation and expenses related to healthcare, education and extra-curricular activities are concerned.

And finally, here's another Al-Anon mantra for you: "No" is a complete sentence. He whines and b*tches about wanting you to address the other issues in his emails? You can simply answer "No" and not having to explain yourself further. :)

*hugs* to you mama. You rock.

[Kirstyandgirls]

Two days ago I sent him this:

"I'm not sure how many chances you expect me to give you. Since finding those text messages in may I have made it 100% clear that the only thing I need from you is honesty. You have proven to me over and over that you don't think I am worth the truth. 

 

I hope you know now that I would have forgiven anything but you chose not to be honest with me, even though you had plenty of chances to come clean. And you chose not to break off your relationship with Tara ... Leaving me to find out in the worst way!

 

I gave you more than one chance to make things right and now it's too late

 

Please stop telling me that you love me and miss me, I do believe you, but since you have been saying it to her as well it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. 

 

I don't want the first time we face each other to be Christmas morning so I'll stop going out when you come to see the kids. 

 

I hope in a few months when all this mess is behind us we can be good parents together for Megan and Eilidh "

 

He didn't reply! But FIL has finally move out so I was here when he came to collect the kids today... He looked like sh!t, whereas I felt good had my new boots on :)

 

Thaynks everyone for all the support, it means so much to me x

[Kirstyandgirls]

Oops silly phone ... Multiple post!

Edited by Kirstyandgirls - 12/22/11 at 3:35pm

[Kirstyandgirls]

Edited by Kirstyandgirls - 12/22/11 at 3:38pm

[Kirstyandgirls]

Edited by Kirstyandgirls - 12/22/11 at 3:41pm

[Kirstyandgirls]

So we talked for a few minutes after he brought the kids back. :(

I know we can't be together but tonight I'm missing him :(

[jess in hawaii]

Originally Posted by Kirstyandgirls 

So we talked for a few minutes after he brought the kids back. :(

I know we can't be together but tonight I'm missing him :(

Aww, I know this feeling... my stbx has been really lousy lately and done some things that are pretty much unforgivable, but I still miss him sometimes, miss what we had that was good. He was wonderful in many ways, and lousiness isn't retroactive. You will have plenty of crying jags, no matter how right the separation is. It's part of the process and the healing.