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[SoonToBe]

Just found out that DH's parents sent out a Christmas card to everyone that says "Happy Holidays from Elliott Copithorne" and then also included a ton of 4x6 pictures of him.  So now everyone on his side of the family has all these pictures of him and I'm really aggravated.  They also used a bad picture for the main card.  At Thanksgiving we were taking a family Christmas photo and when they were taking one at dinner one night, I asked if this was "the" photo and they said maybe.  I said that I wanted to do my hair and put on make up if it was going out.  His sister said the same.  They said they wouldn't use it and we took lots of nice photos with Christmas attire later.  They used the dinner one.  I look crappy.  Oh well.  I don't care that much, but I am upset they sent out all those photos and had their card from Elliott. 

I'm not being overly sensitive am I?  I know they love him and are just excited, but I specifically went to Costco and printed a whole bunch of photos to send out with our card and they did it.  Oh, and the pics they sent out were from pictures WE took with OUR camera over Thanksgiving and we downloaded them so they could have a copy.  Obviously I'm still going to send out pictures and stuff, but I feel like they overstepped here. 

Okay, rant over...

[bethany42309]

Sometimes I think we all get too sensitive about stuff like this, but honestly, I probably would of been mad too. 

[PoetryLover]

I think they overstepped a boundary. It's your son's first Christmas. If I'm remembering correctly, he's your first baby. As the parents, you get first choice to do something like that. They should have at least asked. I'm very particular about my picture, and if someone assured me that it wouldn't be sent out, I would like to be able to trust that. I would have your DH mention it to them in a non-confrontational way. When boundaries are overstepped, it needs to be nipped in the bud early or it might continue to happen. However, you know your in laws and you may believe it will never happen again, and in that case, I would let it go.

[SoonToBe]

Yes he is our first and their first grandbaby.  They are super nice people and are not the type to try to take over so I know it's just that they didn't think about it.  I do plan to just let it go, but DH is mad.  He is mad that they upset me and he is mad because he feels like he should have said something so they didn't do this.  He feels bad.  All things considered, it's not a big deal.  I'm just disappointed that the first pics his side of the family will have seen weren't from us and the card they get from his parents is "from Elliott".  That should have been from us.  Oh well.  They have annoyed me in other ways since the baby was born, but I totally know it's just from them loving him so much. 

[PoetryLover]

They're probably just super excited and don't mean to step on your toes. It's good that your DH is being supportive of your feelings. Myself, I've been super emotional lately. Hopefully it will pass soon. :-)

[cakemama579]

They had their chance with their own kid(s) years ago!  I understand including maybe a photo, but they went over the line.  I'd be peeved too.  Dont let it sway you from doing your own thing with christmas cards though.  People know he's YOURS.

[Baby_Cakes]

OMG I would be LIVID.  This is unreal, Bree.  Did you say something to them??

And ... I can't help but think if I were a friend of theirs and got that card, I would think it's a little weird.

[copper.kettle]

nak

I would be outraged. 

[SoonToBe]

Thanks ladies.  DH wants to say something to them because he's so upset that I'm upset, but I don't know.  I don't want to make them feel bad because they are the nicest, well meaning people.  On the other hand, I sorta want them to know that it upset me and maybe it will make them take a step back and realize why so something similar doesn't happen again down the line.  I can legitimately give them crap about sending out the photo from dinner when I was wet head out the shower and no make up since they said they would not send that one, but that's not really what I'm upset about.

[earth-mama]

I totally understand.  We did not have any picture issues, but EVERYONE bought DD christmas dresses for her first christmas.  I wanted to cry because I wanted that to be a special thing since it was her first christmas.  I knew that everyone was just excited and wanted to get her something nice, but still.  Now, to be honest, I am so busy with 2 that it would be nice if people just sent us fancy clothes for them--he, he, he.  Well I say that, but I am kinda particular, but definitely less sensitive about it now.  That said, your feelings are very real and totally understandable--they did step over the boundaries in my opinion.  

Oh, also with the dress thing I decided to let it go and be thankful for the gifts rather than confronting the fam about it because I knew that it came from a good place.  I did vent a little with DP and my mom. This is how I handled it and it worked for me, not saying this is best for you, but wanted to let you know what worked for me 

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by earth-mama 

I totally understand.  We did not have any picture issues, but EVERYONE bought DD christmas dresses for her first christmas.  I wanted to cry because I wanted that to be a special thing since it was her first christmas.  I knew that everyone was just excited and wanted to get her something nice, but still.  Now, to be honest, I am so busy with 2 that it would be nice if people just sent us fancy clothes for them--he, he, he.  Well I say that, but I am kinda particular, but definitely less sensitive about it now.  That said, your feelings are very real and totally understandable--they did step over the boundaries in my opinion.  

Oh, also with the dress thing I decided to let it go and be thankful for the gifts rather than confronting the fam about it because I knew that it came from a good place.  I did vent a little with DP and my mom. This is how I handled it and it worked for me, not saying this is best for you, but wanted to let you know what worked for me 

Dude, I hear you.  My MIL gets to buy all the "firsts" outfits, and with DD I was like, upset about it.  Now I just realize, hey, it's an outfit I don't need to purchase, and I almost rely on her getting them for the kids, lol.  She bought one for DS in October for Christmas, and it was too small (b/c he's in 9-12 mo size now, not 3-6).  I had her return it and we couldn't find a 1st christmas outfit ANYWHERE.  I was bummed.  LOL.

Bree- I think you should have your DH say something.  I really do.  I mean, it's said and done now with the card, but maybe he can tell them not to do it again somehow, with tact so as not to burn bridges.  They seem like genuinely nice ppl, but even nice ppl make mistakes.
 

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

Dude, I hear you.  My MIL gets to buy all the "firsts" outfits, and with DD I was like, upset about it.  Now I just realize, hey, it's an outfit I don't need to purchase, and I almost rely on her getting them for the kids, lol.  She bought one for DS in October for Christmas, and it was too small (b/c he's in 9-12 mo size now, not 3-6).  I had her return it and we couldn't find a 1st christmas outfit ANYWHERE.  I was bummed.  LOL.

Bree- I think you should have your DH say something.  I really do.  I mean, it's said and done now with the card, but maybe he can tell them not to do it again somehow, with tact so as not to burn bridges.  They seem like genuinely nice ppl, but even nice ppl make mistakes.
 

  Because it bothers you, it might be good for your DH to talk to them just so they don't think it's okay and repeat the same thing every year. But it will probably go more smoothly if he lets them know that you both were a little hurt and had planned to do that yourselves.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by PoetryLover 

But it will probably go more smoothly if he lets them know that you both were a little hurt and had planned to do that yourselves.

OOoh, yes, good point.

[SoonToBe]

Thanks ladies.  I spoke to my mom about it too.  She said that although I can be too sensitive about some things, she thinks that it was wrong of them to do it too.

DH and I spoke more about it this morning and decided to talk with them tonight.  It will make them feel really bad, but I think good will come of it.  They will hopefully better understand the feelings and it will prevent it from happening again.  If talking to them just made them feel bad, I'd say skip it.  However, DH thinks it will help them take a step back and help future things.  I don't want them feeling like they have to walk on eggshells, but this really did bother me.  I even thought of a specific thing that would end up being something similar.  In July, his family has a reunion for a week in Vermont every year.  We missed this year obviously, but will probably go in 2012.  I can totally see them throwing him a 1st birthday party since it would be only 2 weeks before his birthday.  I would be royally peeved if they tried to throw his 1st bday party even though they wouldn't mean anything by it.  They would just think it was nice to have the whole family together.  His brother and father have bdays in July so I can see them having a party for everyone all together too.  Anyway...saying something now will hopefully prevent those sorts of things later.  I am so glad they love him so much and are sooooo excited he is here...they are seriously in love with him...but I'm glad to have confirmation from you ladies that I'm not being a nut.  :)  It is our privilege to announce him and share his first Christmas stuff.  We didn't send out announcements.  I had planned to, but I was sick with mastitis for so long and then when I felt up to it, it felt a little silly to send them out so late when everyone already knew he was here. 

Anyway, thanks again.  I'll let you know how the talk goes.  I know they will feel really bad and will be very apologetic.  I just hope it doesn't make them too sensitive and feel too much like they have to walk on eggshells.  Thanks again!

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by SoonToBe 

Anyway, thanks again.  I'll let you know how the talk goes.  I know they will feel really bad and will be very apologetic.  I just hope it doesn't make them too sensitive and feel too much like they have to walk on eggshells.  Thanks again!

Good luck!

And even if it does, wouldn't you rather them ask you permission to do things??  I mean if it comes down to mundane things you can tell them that they're being too sensitive about it.  But i'd prefer to be over-asked than not at all.

[Lynann]

Bree, I'm glad you've decided to talk to your in-laws about this. I think it would have been one thing to send out a card that was from them that included Elliott's picture, but it really isn't their place to send out a card that says its from Elliott. That is your place, as his parents. I also think that promising to not use a picture and then use it was hurtful too.

I also agree with Carrie that its better to be over asked while you all work out where the boundaries are than to have something similar happen again. This might also be a good time to let them know that you plan to do something very special for his first birthday, and that you don't want anything else arranged without first checking with you. Some people like surprise birthday parties and then assume everyone else does too. So they may think it would be fun, but if you make sure they understand how important all the firsts are for you as Elliott's parents they may think twice in the future.

I'd love to have a problem with over enthusiastic grandparents. My in-laws are so the opposite and I can get a bit over emotional at times about their lack of involvement. They regularly put BIL's dog before their only grandchildren and it drives me crazy. My parents would be more involved if they could but live on the wrong side of the Atlantic Ocean. Despite the distance though my mum has contact with my boys every week by video chatting on Skype. My MIL last visited for Seth's dedication at the beginning of November and won't visit again until at least Christmas, IF they decide to come over for Christmas (that still hasn't been confirmed yet and won't be until the last minute.) They only live 3 1/2 hours away and are both retired, so its not as if they don't have the time to visit, they just choose not to.

[elove]

aw Bree, I would be upset too, esp knowing that they are so well meaning people - they should know better no?

Here is what I think, IF you do not warn them about this, than the next time will be harder to resolve - as in it was OK in christmas but not OK now? And it would result in a blow out of frustration canned up from now till than. Once you warn them (in a nice way of course) than, you make sure they now know better. 

Also, with this type of conflicts (where everyone involved means well) - it always helps to offer a resolution to be considered. Such as, "next time would you please check with us?" OR "assume that we want to take care of everything that is his first - so ask us if you want to be involved"...etc so it opens communication rather than confusing them (obviously they do not see anything wrong with what they have done) and closing off conversation. 

I agree with Poetry Lover, that is would be easier on every body if both parents were upset rather than just one when you talk to them.

good luck!

[jillybeans]

glad you're talking to them about it.

I jumped into this convo late, but I'd have blown a gasket. I would NEVER do that to my children when they have their first, and I'd always ask before sending out a pic of my grandchildren. Simple common courtesy. I don't really see, even if they ARE good people, how exactly one would ever think that was ok.

[yell]

I think it was a good idea just to gently say something, you need to set the tone.  Awesome that dh is so sensitive to your feelings.  I'm actually getting teary-eyed happy for you that you have such a supportive husband, so that shows how emotional I'VE been the past week!  They did over-step, but you are lucky that you have awesome grandparents in your ds's life.  My dh's dad has never met Ada and his mom is an alcoholic (so we won't let her with Ada alone) who criticizes everything we do and does NOT listen when we ask her not to do something (as in,  please stop sticking your nicotine dirty finger in my daughter's mouth, and she does it anyway!!!!!!!!!!)

So how did it go?

[SoonToBe]

Originally Posted by yell 

I think it was a good idea just to gently say something, you need to set the tone.  Awesome that dh is so sensitive to your feelings.  I'm actually getting teary-eyed happy for you that you have such a supportive husband, so that shows how emotional I'VE been the past week!  They did over-step, but you are lucky that you have awesome grandparents in your ds's life.  My dh's dad has never met Ada and his mom is an alcoholic (so we won't let her with Ada alone) who criticizes everything we do and does NOT listen when we ask her not to do something (as in,  please stop sticking your nicotine dirty finger in my daughter's mouth, and she does it anyway!!!!!!!!!!)

So how did it go?

Sorry you have crappy grandparents for your baby.  That stinks.

We actually didn't talk to them last night.  DH got home later than expected and was feeling really tired.  He was worried that he would have less patience talking to them if he was feeling so tired and asked if we could do it today instead.  I said sure.  He didn't want to make it worse.  So the plan is to talk to them today.  I will definitely let everyone know how it went.

Thanks for all the support ladies.