Friend with preemie - worried about her bonding

[Sumada]

Hello,

I really am worried about my dear friend who just had her baby @33 weeks. She had an emergency c-section do to preeclampsia. I knew in my gut this was going to happen a few days ago so I'm deciding to follow my gut this time and make sure that she bonds with this baby. She saw the baby once yesterday for a few minutes. She was taken out of ICU yesterday, but still has high blood pressure and is "pretty out of it" according to her hubby. I'm just really worried about her bonding. She has struggled with depression and had been on meds for the past few years. I didn't even occur to me to ask her while she was pregnant if she was still on those meds. I guess I just assumed she was. Because of her history of depression I want give them some suggestions as to how to bond with her baby, but I also don't want to be pushy about it either. Don't know if I can have it both ways, but does anyone have suggestions, things I can do to help/suggest to them in a gentle way?

I know with my c/s I had a hard time bonding with DS1 and he was full term. I can't imagine how hard it is when you can't hold your baby right away. TIA.

[Bokonon]

IMO, I would highly recommend just being there for your friend and not to mention bonding.

Having a preemie in the NICU and being very ill from preeclampsia, and likely still on mag. sulfate which can definitely make her feel out of it, the last thing she needs to feel is that her friends think she isn't bonding with her child.  It's HARD to bond with a NICU baby, especially when you're still so ill.  

She'll get there.  It will take time.  When your baby is taken right to the NICU, it's hard to even think of it as your own baby.  One moment you were pregnant, the next moment you're not, but your baby isn't with you.  She's going to be released from the hospital without the baby.  I'm sure that she's wondering how she's going to bond with him too.

Please just be there for her right now.  She is in for the biggest challenge of her life and probably feels guilty enough as it is.  I know you mean well, but if you've never been in her shoes you can't imagine how she feels.  I had a 32 weeker after severe preeclampsia and I did bond with my baby.  I don't know exactly when it happened but it was more of a process than something that happened overnight.  It definitely wasn't the first time I held him for a few minutes, or the hours I spent staring at him in the warming bed, or even the first time I got to breastfeed.  But all of those things helped.

[Ratchet]

I didn't "bond" with my baby until after she came home, at 2-1/2 months old.  your friend is facing the fear that she could die and her baby could die and very few of the 'normal' newborn things are going on and our bodies and our minds protect us I think, or at least often force some distance.

But you are right to be conscious of her history of depression, since she has 2 big risk factors for PP depression.  So check in with her often, offer to do things (don't just ask "what do you need" b/c she won't necessarily have an answer, but i.e. offer "can I bring you some soup" "do you need a ride to your doctor's appt").  I think it's best to not "suggest" anything but rather to LISTEN, to ask how she's sleeping, bring her food, do her laundry, give her a gift card for gas or food, look at her baby photos and tell her the baby has her eyes or dad's nose.   

Bonding is between her an her baby, there is no one right way to do it, and it WILL happen, and all you can do is support her while she has her own journey.   

[maryeliz]

I had a 29w due to pre-e.  I'm not really known for my positive attitude, but after I had my dd I felt strangely energized.  The first time I held her I was terrified and distraught, but a couple days later when I was able to hold her on my chest I felt an incredible bond.  So I wouldn't assume that she will have problems before those problems actually exist.  She is probably on a crazy cocktail of med right now, so it makes sense if she is out of it.  

When you talk to her you might want to tell her how strong she is for having gone through an experience like that and how happy you are for her and her baby.  After I gave birth, I had a lot of people talk to me about "baby blues" and PPD.  And honestly it felt a little insulting.  I felt like people were associating my fears about my baby solely with hormones.  It is a perfectly normal response to be sad or fearful when you see your tiny baby in the NICU and it isn't necessarily as sign of PPD or depression.

I would say listen, follow her lead, and give her her some recovery time before you start worrying.  If in a couple weeks she seems like she is having a hard time you can have the "a lot of women feel this way after birth and you had a harder journey than most" conversation.