6yo SPD son stealing, lying, and says "I'm stupid, I hate myself!"

[lizajane30]

My sweet boy has turned into a 6yo I don't think I can parent.  He's been stealing and lying to cover it up for some time now, but today he stole a box of wrapped Christmas presents that were sent by his grandparents, lied when I asked where it was, then hid while he opened the presents (mostly his younger sister's). I know he has low impulse control, but he does this repeatedly and seems to know it's wrong. Earlier this month, he stole our housemate's son's advent calendar and ate all the chocolate from it. After making amends by buying his friend a new calendar, a couple days later he hid his and his sister's calendars, told us he had no idea where they were, and ate all the chocolate out of them. He will steal money from our housemate's and his sister's piggy banks; he will steal and eat gummy vitamins and fish oil supplements unless they're kept locked; we can't keep any kind of treats in the house because he'll eat them all.  He's even stolen a Costco-size jug of honey and tried to eat it all but failed because he dropped the spoon to the bottom.

The most heartbreaking part of this is that when he's caught and I tell him how his actions have affected us and our relationships, he cries and says he does it because he's stupid, idiotic, bad. We have NEVER said those things to him, and we don't think those things, either. We practice NVC and do not punish him--there are certainly consequences for his actions, but they don't seem to make a difference.  

I'm worried that this is an issue warranting professional help and I don't know where to start.

[Linda on the move]

Have you tried counseling, like cognitive behavioral therapy?

My DD didn't have the exact same behavior, but she had hording behaviors and no impulse control -- they just played out differently. This has gotten much, much better with age and gentle correction. I'm wondering if seeing a mental health professional once a week who has experience with quirky kids could be helpful if figuring out how to parent through this difficult phase and help you keep hope, as well as helping your son re-program his brain so that he can implement more socially acceptable behaviors.

[tankgirl73]

Subbing.  

My Aspie/ADHD/SPD son is 13yo and we have similar problems.  When he was that age, our issue was mostly violent tantrums.  But now it's lying and depression-talk.  He doesn't steal things, but he sneaks his electronics (video games, text chatting etc) when he's not supposed to then lies about it.  Quite blatantly.  Even after being caught, with clear evidence in front of us, he'll deny it.  Then when he does admit it, he'll say "I'm stupid" or "my brain is broken, I can't help it".  Plus, I know that he's been text chatting with his friends and says things like "I feel like I'm in the way" and "I'll never have a girlfriend" and "I wish I'd never been born."  Their reaction is to think he's creepy.

We've been to some therapy, but she tends to just say "oh he doesn't really mean it.  Use some positive reinforcement behavior charts with concrete rewards and I'm sure everything will be just fine!"  *sigh*

[Emmeline II]

Ds was diagnosed with ADHD first, just before 1st grade last year. Up through K he had virtually no impulse control, didn't respond to behavior modifications/behavior charts, and would hit himself in the head saying he was stupid/bad--he seemed to know how he was supposed to behave but was unable to put it into practice. The short story is that he was initially on Concerta (stimulant) but after a month his already impulsive behavior got much, much worse (particularly at school with stealing, though he did later eat over a months worth of DHA fruit chews) so he was switched to Vyvanse (stimulant) and has been on the second dosage since March. He had been in cognitive behavioral therapy since his initial diagnosis but she/we hadn't seen any significant results until his last dosage change on Vyvanse last March. He did mature quite a bit over the summer and is much better at consciously stopping himself from doing something--dh and I are frequently identifying ways in which his behavior has improved over last year.

Last Christmas ds would-not-stop going downstairs in the middle of the night and trying to open presents. This year he stayed in bed the entire night and younger dd had to wake him up. We did tell ds that dh was going to sleep downstairs (which he did) but last year that wouldn't have stopped ds from at least going downstairs and probably taking gifts upstairs to open.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by tankgirl73 
We've been to some therapy, but she tends to just say "oh he doesn't really mean it.  Use some positive reinforcement behavior charts with concrete rewards and I'm sure everything will be just fine!"  *sigh*

Perhaps you should consult psychiatrist experienced with adolecents--ds' psychiatrist would have taken such talk seriously when ds was 6yo!
 

[umma]

I have a DD with SPD and I am a mental health therapist.  I would suggest an initial evaluation from a child therapist or psychologist.  Just to rule out other issues and offer some tools.  You mentioned you don't know where to start -  if you are seeking professional help - first verify insurance coverage.  Ask friends for referrals and ask a lot of questions before your child meets the therapist.  best of luck to your family!