Quote:
Originally Posted by
QalliopeÂ
I'm curious, Tigresse, if you had these feelings all along, that the path you were on was inadequate? You seem to be handling things well from what you have described. But your son's choice to wait to learn anything beyond basic math until it was important to something else he wanted to pursue seems to be a sticking point for you, at least in terms of seeing unschooling as a valid or worthwhile educational method. My understanding is that this is how unschooling is supposed to work. He's struggling a lot, and it is stressful, and I get that. He followed his interests through childhood. Now he hits a stumbling block as he approaches his transition into the adult world. He comes to you to help navigate around or over that wall using the resources you have available. Teamwork. It's not stopping him or intimidating him out of continuing his education. For many many many young adults, that kind of struggle leads them to just give up and try a path of less resistance. So he's cultivated both positive (perseverance) and negative (poor study habits) qualities through the years, any of which may have been influenced more by your choice to unschool or more by his personal temperament.Â
Certainly the stage he is at in his development is proving difficult for both of you and seems to be a situation unusual to unschooling, unless others are going through similar and are too embarrassed to share their situation, or I am not looking in the right places. I do think your experience is valuable to the unschooling community just for the sake of knowing the range of outcomes, although I still think it is too early for a final verdict. If he meets his goals in college and moves on to a fulfilling career/life, I would call that success, and I would be interested in hearing how he does as he progresses through the math classes and tutoring offered by his college.
I am not clear on why you were unschooling and what you thought you would get out of it. What goals did you hope to meet in your son's education? And did you achieve those specific goals? Do you perceive the problem to be that unschooling was simply not as advertised or that your priorities, in hindsight, were not as they should have been? I am interested in your insights on this, in part because, the picture as painted is, "We unschooled; everything seemed to be going great until my son went on to college; I thought he would just 'get it'; that didn't happen; now I'm unhappy with unschooling." I see plenty of, "We tried unschooling; it didn't fit with our needs and priorities; we moved on to something different." But I never see the former, so I find it really intriguing? concerning? perplexing? that things turned out this way for you. I guess what I am most wondering is what advice you would give either to a parent just starting on this path or to your past self. If you could go back in time, what, exactly, would you do differently?
My goal in my children's education is for them to gain practice and experience in making choices that are right for them as individuals, to let their ambition be fueled by their passions rather than a sense of obligation, to recognize the sheer vastness of what there is to do and see and learn about in the world, and to show them that (nearly) any goal can be reached with enough focus and determination. Unschooling seemed to be the best way to get those messages across. It's hard for me to know because I'm not in your situation, but I don't think I would be troubled if my son were having the same difficulties as yours because he seems to have integrated the lessons and values I try hardest to teach.
First of all, thanks to all who have offered support, ideas, and reassurance. And I know I can come down on myself a bit hard in this situation, partly because I took this endeavor very seriously and now have an unhappy son (as far as academics go) who will most likely never homeschool let alone unschool his own children, but also because the wound of the most recent class failure is a bit fresh and plans must now be changed. We now must once again dip into his college funds to continue to remedy his math deficiencies. And honestly, I don't know how these remedials and the retakes will show on his transcript. He has already told me that the amount of time he put into math took away time from his other classes, and his grades suffered in those as well, except for writing that comes easily to him. I'm not sure how easily he will be able to transfer to his desired 4 year college. He will not have an Associates, which I advised over and over and worked with him to choose classes, but he decided not to pursue the needed foreign language. He met with an advisor who told him he does not need it to transfer to his desired school, but I'm not sure he mentioned he was homeschooled and does not have an accredited HS diploma, ACT's, or SAT's. Again, I wish I would have said to him way back when he took his 1st Spanish class, did well in it then decided not to continue that I had told him something like, "trust me,this is important, you should stick with this now while it is fresh and get through it because you might need it later and it will be hard to come back and pick it up". But I let him make the call, and now he has many more hurdles to jump through. I know for many of you this is just part of the process, he is only 19, there is plenty of time, it would have been taking over/directing his learning for him and all that, he would lose sight of his own goals/reasons for learning, etc. But the truth is, I know *plenty* of homeschooled kids whose learning was a bit more directed than ds and they are *thriving*. Their parents still managed to pass along some amazing values despite the disrespect that goes along with telling them what to do once in awhile
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So, to try to answer some more of your questions above...
Yes, I have had niggling doubts for quite awhile, and actually already abandoned unschooling as my method of homeschooling about a year and a half ago when the folly of my choices really became apparent. My younger kids have already been on a more relaxed eclectic approach, but I must say I see even more inertia in my 16 yo ds than I did in my 19yo at that age. I now see unschooling as a valid choice for young children who need lots of play or are not ready for certain academic subjects, because I have seen reading come much easier to my own kids when they were allowed to learn it organically. All my boys learned to read via video games. Very unschooly indeed. I also think it is a valid choice for highly driven, motivated older kids/teens whose parents have the means to support most of their pursuits even if they are very non-traditional. It also appears to be a valid choice for those (parents) who have very little attachment to to an outcome of say, some sort of pursuit of independence by age 18 or so?
As far as qualities ds has cultivated through the years either by his upbringing, personality, experiences, whatever, I have very little to lament here. He is an awesome young man, quite a charmer actually. What I do believe though, is that this one glaring negative (poor study habits, and the resulting issues) could have been prevented by even an hour or so a day of some directed study, and he still would have had ample time to pursue his interests. Now, I don't know this for sure, of course, but it is the direction I am taking with my younger kids atm. I further believe that a small amount of parent-directed learning is *not* detrimental to the ability to follow passions, setting and achieving goals that are fulfilling, nor is it a hinderance to being exposed to the wonders the world has to offer.
Why did we begin unschooling? Because my attempts at directed learning met with such resistance when ds was young (indeed ds #1 was the guinea pig). He once told me as a young child that when I attempted to teach him something, like math for instance, that it really only sank in when he decided to do it himself. How unschooly is that? Well, for better or worse, he never decided to do it himself. I have seen 3 of my 4 kids learn to read organically (youngest is not there yet), that was also quite convincing. I read this and other message boards and was inspired by what I read. I trusted into the notion that 12 years of formal schooling can be condensed into a very short time when the learner is motivated to do it, and I do believe that is true, to a point. I read about and discussed the benefits of gaming with my boys and other parents...there has always been a lot of disagreement about that. I decided at some point to let go of my control of the gaming in favor of "trusting" my kids to self regulate. Hmmmmmm. I'm reasonably sure at this point that was *not* the right choice. I could go in about that, but suffice it to say the "forbidden fruit" concept does not seem to hold true wrt gaming and unschooling in our home.
What I had hoped my children would gain from unschooling is very similar to what you stated, Qalliop. I would add that I hoped for more self-motivation, drive, ambition due to the freedom from constraints of school. What I have actually seen is a lot of taking the path of least resistance, as has been mentioned in this discussion (but we're not supposed to judge that as unschoolers
) until the last couple years with my oldest ds, when he decided he did want to do something with his time other than gaming. Now unfortunately, he is ill-prepared to handle the challenges of the path he would like to follow. I do believe that unschooling is touted as sort-of the ultimate evolution of homeschooling, the most out-of-box, joyful, respectful, trusting,freedom-loving approach. I guess I felt that it should result in an extremely well-adjusted young adult, including academically. If that is not the case, then it should not be promoted by it's followers as a viable alternative to conventional education for all kids if the parents can just let go of their hang-ups.
What I would offer to other parents and what I wish I had done myself is to trust their own instincts when choosing an educational path for their child. It is not just about trusting the child, it is about trusting that inner voice and knowing a child may not ask for, or perhaps reject what they really need. And yes, this is a judgement call on the parent's part, and I actually do believe that loving, sensitive parents are capable of choosing how to meet their kid's needs, even if the kids do not give their consent. And further, I do not believe that making these decisions on behalf of one's kids is detrimental to them when done sensitively, and not just with a "because I said so" type of attitude. Take it one day at a time.
) but I am not rushing in to address a situation until I know there really is a problem. Â I do believe people will learn easier (and perhaps in a more meaningful way) when motivated, so waiting, when appropriate, is a good idea. Â Â Â 
