It would be fun every so often as long as your child does not get an attitude 24/7 at home about the way your family lives. I would not want the complaints,and I would not give in to be lax to be the *cool* parent. If he can accept the difference,and enjoy his time at the friends while respecting your rules at home-then I would allow it. Shoot, I might even be lax during a sleep over at our place!
I was reading through the thread, and this phrase came though my mind:
Do you want to create a preachers kid? You know, the kid who had so many rules growing up, but then went off to college and went wild because they had no framework of how to deal with the extra influence? My parents may have thought that I was so straight and narrow when I was a teen, but really? Where I rebelled was in areas where I could erase the evidence(internet.)
I am not saying don't set up rules for him and your house- I am saying relax a little bit.
It could be that he was allowed to fully let loose the stress of keeping all of "the rules" at their house and got emotional about having to come back and toe that line hard. It is hard for me to relax at some peoples houses because I am so concerned about keeping their stuff nice, but when I am at my in-laws, they understand that spills and accidents happen and that things can be cleaned up.
If he truly is that respectful and obedient on a daily basis, of his own choice, please give him more freedom(within safety boundaries, of course)- otherwise you are constantly telling him "I know you do this and this consistently. Thank you. But I still do not trust you to do it on your own, so I am going to shadow you till I know that you will all the time." He needs to know that is worth your trust.
From all that you wrote, it seems as if you have raised a really good kid, now let him show that to you and others.
I grew up in a very laid back household, and have a kind of messy and laid back household now. Kids that come over usually leave covered with mud. But I also don't think you are wrong to think this household is a little over the top, and to think it's important to monitor where your kid is spending the night. Like, I had a friend when I was little, his house looked nice and clean but his parents were always fighting & yelling and for some reason his mom walked around naked a lot, it was just a weird environment and my parents shouldn't have let me go over there. But if you think this mom is a kind a and loving person, you could still let your son hang out there, just maybe tell her your son had a great time, but he had a hard time winding down the next day so you've decided he's too young for sleepovers and let him just spend the day, or you've decided not to let him watch TV unsupervised, etc. She sounds nice, she would probably be receptive if you approached it in the right way. I had some great times staying up all night, throwing popcorn and bouncing on off the walls, I think that's important, but if your gut is telling you it's too crazy, it's good to go with that.
Also, everyone else has been saying this but it does sound like your son is telling you he needs more freedom. Jumping on the couch is part of childhood, maybe only let him jump on one couch or something? I would definitely find some things you are willing to give on---one late bedtime a week, a little more noise, a little more mess. You don't want him to feel like he can't ever do ANYTHING fun at home, that would be suffocating.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt having a small lunch with the parents of the people your child will be spending the night with? If it needs too be. write down a simple things that are for your childs comfort zone when they go off and spend the night at a friends house. Like, what time they go too bed, or what things they are or are not allowed too eat and if they can have certin junk food or soda (if you want the kid too have soda.) with a list of the kind, and if you need too you can provide a small serving for your child when they spend the night at their house. Also an emergancy list of contacts doesn't hurt either.
But I think a small lunch or play date at the park would help if you wanted too talk too the mom or dad of your childs friends on what happened. 6 year olds do sometimes exadurate a bit.
But it is hard trying too explain too a kid why things are done at your house a certine way or why things are done at someone else' another way.
Maybe doing something different at dinner and letting the kids have a small movie night? For dinner they could make their own personal pizza's and have a small snack while watching a movie. Or maybe having a 'Dance Party' in the living room. As long as the kids have something to do, they will enjoy their time.
When it came too time when my friend ( whom where used to running around town and doing whatever she wanted ) My mom would make sure they stayed on our property, by doing crazy dancing in the living room or playing cards or games. Or just doing stuff outside. My friend knew my mom and dad where strict - But didn't believe me until they came and stayed at my place. But we tried making it fun also.
wait so you are writing this post on the day he returned?
or even the next day?
when he hasnt rested well and gotten back on his regular routine?
you are taking this waaaaaay too seriously.
give him a chance to recover.
and he'll be back to normal.
and if he wants things differently in your house, you all need to look at it and see if you can stretch yourself to do that.
i am the laid back mom and my friend is the strict mom. both the kids have loads of fun at each others houses. we both are cool moms to the friends, but to our own kids we are kinda predictable and boring.
whenever we have sleepovers the kids are ALWAYS up late. they sleep in the living room and watch a movie. or the movie will be running in the background and they will bring out their favourite books and compare their favourite parts.
I also think that the day after a sleepover is a bad time to make a decision. It's best just to go into recovery mode for a day or so until the child regains a little equilibrium. I accept that the kids will be over-tired, grumpy, whinging, and generally discontented after the fun and excitement of a sleepover, whether or not the family has a similar lifestyle and house rules to ours. It's a little like a trip to a theme park. Even if the sleepover happened in an orderly house with only quiet play, an enforced bedtime and no junk food, it's likely that the kids would have been up late giggling under the covers, telling stories and playing games and would be tired out and whining the next day.
I would tolerate the grumping and whinging the next day and not try to reason, or explain, or manage the differences between the families. It isn't easy and it will test your patience. The trick is to avoid being defensive about your own household. Once he isn't so tired out, you can all have a calm discussion about different households and expectations and future sleepovers.
I found my kids were able to accept that different families have different house rules. As long as ours were reasonable and somewhat flexible to suit the situation and everyone's needs, I didn't hear a lot of complaining about them.
We don't do sleepovers (unless we know the family REALLY well) especially for a child so young, and I wouldn't let my kids sleepovers in a situation like that. We are probably somewhere in between those two extremes. We're pretty laid back about furniture and walls and can get laid-back about food, but strict about TV and computer/video game usage. Anyway, if the sleepovers are bothering you, I would stop them and just do playdates. I HATE the lack of "sleep" involved in sleepovers, and I feel that so little sleep is REALLY hard on kids that young.
We don't do sleepovers (unless we know the family REALLY well) especially for a child so young, and I wouldn't let my kids sleepovers in a situation like that. We are probably somewhere in between those two extremes. We're pretty laid back about furniture and walls and can get laid-back about food, but strict about TV and computer/video game usage. Anyway, if the sleepovers are bothering you, I would stop them and just do playdates. I HATE the lack of "sleep" involved in sleepovers, and I feel that so little sleep is REALLY hard on kids that young.
i agree. lack of sleep wreaks havoc the next day (or two) for the child involved AND his/her family, who has to deal with aftermath.
i would think a simple cost-benefit analysis would do here.
is the cost of a sleep deprived 6 year old really worth the benefit of a 6 year old sleeping over at another child's house?
is the cost of a sleep deprived 6 year old really worth the benefit of a 6 year old sleeping over at another child's house?
Could be, if the kid gets a kick out of it.
I don't get a lot of the posts in this thread, tbh. To me, sleepovers are about staying up late, giggling and playing with your friends, eating junk food, and yeah, being crabby/sleepy the next day, but that's just the price you pay. It wouldn't be a good idea to act like this all the time, but I really don't think a sleepover once a month or so is going to damage a kid for life or even for the next week. Kids learn that there are different rules different places... that's just a lesson in life that they will learn sooner or later.
Could be, if the kid gets a kick out of it.
I don't get a lot of the posts in this thread, tbh. To me, sleepovers are about staying up late, giggling and playing with your friends, eating junk food, and yeah, being crabby/sleepy the next day, but that's just the price you pay. It wouldn't be a good idea to act like this all the time, but I really don't think a sleepover once a month or so is going to damage a kid for life or even for the next week. Kids learn that there are different rules different places... that's just a lesson in life that they will learn sooner or later.
I send my dd to a sleepover at a local kids gym once a month so she can have the fun overnight experience described above with a group of many other kids and a few of her friends.
If your son is overall upset with the differences then you may need to consider what you can change to help him feel more comfortable with the family he has. If it was a one or two day thing or something that only happens after he is at this home then I don't think you need to worry about it. If he does it after a playdate then it may help to talk about some of the fun things your kids get to do that the other family doesn't do. One big way and easy way to let go and give him the sense of freedom while still maintaining the values you embrace may be to let him play outside in the front yard without you being there with him the whole time.
He was sleep deprived and sugared up - of course your ds had a meltdown on the way home. It wasn't really about your strict approach to parenting, or the differences between there and home, that was just what he said in his half-delirious state as he crashed off the sugar. I would use this experience as a way to start teaching the value of self-discipline. Your ds doesn't want to feel like that every morning. I wouldn't address the content of his tantrum at all - the fact that the situation made him feel so yucky is a great entry point into discussing good decision making and taking care of yourself.
I remember staying up till 2 am, playing super mario brothers, and eating a whole box of good humnor bars. Good times!!!!!
Growing up, I was an only child with the calm quiet house that was pristine. My BFF was one of four in a big NY Italian family. There were usaully at least 8 kids over at a time at her house. I loved going to her house, she loved coming to mine beacse she said it was so quiet clean, and she had privacy and attention from my mom. So the friend may be saying the same thing to his mom about your house.
These are fun, innocent memories. As long as the environment is safe (mom watching kids from the window when playing outside) etc. I would be fine with it. We are very strict with food at our house , but my kids know that when they go out somewhere else without me, it is their choice. They have learned that a whole bag of cheetos before bed is not a good thing.
BTW I do not even try reasoning with a child after a sleepover. I usually just ignore DD the day after she come back. She is usually happy to read and nap all day.
I do not think I allowed sleepovers until 8 years old, so if you are not comfortable yet, do not feel in the minority just on an age based issue. Having said that, sometimes "Let them Eat Cake!"
My youngest DD has severe food allergies, and I only wish I could let her have a candy bar for breakfast just because that would mean she did not have the autimmune disease she has.
Sounds like there are two issues. The first is that you might not feel like your son is safe over there. I think that feeling is worth respecting and exploring. If you truly do not trust the family with your son, do not let him sleepover. You might not even want to let him have playdates there if you are truly worried that he is not safe in the house/neighborhood. I would never send my DD somewhere that I was concerned about her safety, especially at age 6.
With respect to the post-sleepover crash, that's really common, and parents have to know whether they can handle a super cranky kid the day after the sleepover or not. I don't like it either, but I know it's worth the fun, every once in a while. But seriously, if you don't like it, no one will blame you for putting off the sleepovers for a few years. Many of our DD's 7-yr-old friends are still not allowed to have sleepovers, so it's no biggie.
About your son's friend's house and the freedom, that is really interesting. There's always a grass is greener thing going on for kids. I know I much preferred going to my cousin's house because she got to watch trashy TV and eat in the living room and all sorts of things that were mortal sins at our house. How you and he deal with it is the issue. I would just make it clear that your house your rules and if he's going to come home and whine and complain, it will be a long time before the next sleepover. But I'm a bit of a hard ass myself.
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