I need to feel like someone hears me.

[fairytalemomma]

I really need to vent. I hope you all don't mind listening. I tried writing it all in a journal, but I really just need someone to hear me!

First of all, in general I love being a SAHM. I have no desire to have a career and I truly enjoy being with and raising my children and taking care of my home. I'm planning to homeschool.

That said, it's really really difficult! I feel like no one else really understands how much I do all day. I have 3 young children. Ages 5, 2 and 9 months. When I wake up in the morning I already have a huge to do list and at any given time during the day I always have around 5 immediate things that need done right then. Example: I need to clean up that spilled milk then change a poopy diaper then stop the 2 yr old from playing in the sink then answer that text then make lunch because everyone won't stop whining that they are hungry. And then as soon as I get one thing done something else gets added to the end of the list so that I never sit down!

Sometimes I fantasize about being on bed rest or breaking my leg so that I can just lay in bed all day and my mom would have to come help and do everything that I do. I just want to sit down and tell her what needs done each day and then have her do it so someone else can experience what I have to live everyday. Then she would be totally exhausted and worn out and have a whole new respect for what I do. I just wish someone else really understood all that I do!!!

DH works nights from about 4:30 pm to 1am. His day usually goes something like this: Wake up around noon go sit on the couch or pittle around the house until he goes to work. Nothing really on his mind just hanging out. Sure if I ask him to help me with something he does it happily but I can't help but be resentful that he doesn't have 642 things listed in his head that need done right now like I seem to have. Then he goes to work, comes home to a quite house because everyone is sleeping. He then plays video games or watches TV, sometimes he invites his work buddies over, and generally hangs out until around 6am when he goes to sleep right about the same time I'm waking up for the day. Then I get to listen to him snoring all morning while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Do I EVER get to sleep in? Nope. I get up every single morning when the kids wake up sometime between 5am and 7am.

I feel bad complaining about him because any time I ask for help he always helps me and he always tells me he knows I do a lot. But I can't help but feeling like he really doesn't know. Also I don't want to be the Nagy wife. I don't want to be constantly complaining. I know that because of his job he needs to sleep in later. I can't blame him for taking advantage of the quite house to relax and have fun. But it makes me crazy that he gets 5+ hours a day to hang out when I get about 30-45 minutes if I'm lucky and the baby is actually sleeping for a bit after the big kids go to bed at night.

DH will watch the kids while I go out to the grocery store or whatever but I really don't feel recharged from that. I'm an introvert and I want to curl up on the couch with a good book to relax, not go to a coffeshop where I feel all self conscious and can't relax.

I just don't know what to do except nag and complain and I feel like when I do that people just get annoyed at me for complaining so much because it can't be that bad can it? I mean I only work (out of the home) one day a week. Easy right?

(By the way I'm not a brand new member like my post count says. I've been around for a while but I decided to start a new profile so I can be more honest and have more anonymity.)

[fairytalemomma]

One more thing.

I just love how I call my mom and she says "Are you sick, you sound a little stuffy?"

I say "yeah I'm totally congested my head is pounding and I feel absolutely miserable"

She says "oh that's too bad. I'm starting to get sick as well. In fact I'm going to go. I have a slight headache, I think I'm going to take a nap."

and I think "OK you go do that. I'll stay here with these kids yelling and climbing all over me. Have a nice nap! "

Does it even occur to her that there is no way in h** that I will get to take a nap much less even sit on the couch even though I feel much worse than her? And she lives down the street so she could come over and help if she wanted but rarely does.

[mamazee]

Have you specifically told your husband what the situation is? I'd work it out so you get to sleep in every other day and he gets to sleep in every other day. Then maybe get him to pick up some of the tasks, but I'd start with getting to sleep in some.

My husband didn't "get it" at first. He figured he worked a full-time job (and he works more than 40 hours a week) and my taking care of kids and the house was comparable to that. But then I explained what I did all day, every day (including weekends) and he did get it. What I did at first was to write down every single thing I did in a notebook (with times) for a couple of days adn show it to him. It's one more thing to do, but it really made an impression on my husband and he really stepped up to the plate.

Good luck! You definitely need a break!

[BabyFireFly]

Fairytale....I hear you. In fact, just an hour ago my husband went storming out of the house to go sleep in his office (we have a farm and he has an office in the barn) because I finally snapped and "lost my mind." We have our own business and when finding reliable people to watch my two little ones became impossible, I started staying home full time with them. I have literally not been farther than my backyard since November 21st since my husband's truck broke down and he commandeered mine. He works hard, I understand that...our business is 7 days a week. He leaves the house every morning to go out to the stable between 7 and 8 a.m and comes home usually around 5 or 6. Every morning I am up at 4 (that's when my youngest wakes up, as does the rooster) and the first thing I do after getting her fed and changed is to make him breakfast, which he leisurely eats IN BED while he watches the news. After work he comes in, showers and stations himself in front of the TV, awaiting his dinner, which is also served to him and then the dishes are left for me to clear and clean. He'll watch TV for a couple of hours and then go to sleep.

Just like you I have "the list." In fact it was getting so long, that it could hardly be contained in my skull anymore, so I enlisted an entire 5-subject notebook that I station in my kitchen to add to, subtract from and organize throughout the day. Feed, bathe and change the babies / Collect eggs, clean coop and feed chickens / chop, stack, bring in firewood (of and I cook all meals on the wood stove to say $ on fuel) / clean house (which is a constant rotation from one room to the next with my 28 month old) / do laundry / pay bills / speak to clients and do the business billing and accounting / make any repairs in the house that are needed / keep the fire going so we dont freeze / play with, read to, interract with the g kiddos / plan meals and shopping lists (I havent even gotten to go to the grocery store in a month because of the vehicle issues - he picks stuff up when he is out)...ETC ETC ETC.

I can't remember the last time I even got to go out to dinner, heck, I havent even gotten a 10 minute cup of coffee alone with him since before we had the girls. Anniversary - he worked - birthday - same thing. At least once a week he goes out to dinner with one of his business partners and every Saturday nite he goes to the local estate auction (more of a social thing) for at least 4 hours to hang out with buddies and bid on a bunch of crap.

Since everyday for me is like that movie "Groundhog Day," alot of the time I forget what day it is. Sometimes I have to check the calendar to even see what the date is. All the days seem to just meld together into one big blur. So, tonight I forgot it was Saturday and had dinner almost complete when he came strolling in. I was in the middle of seeing to my 8 month old who has a terrible cold when he said "you don't mind if I go to the auction, right?" (Meanwhile the girls and I have literally seen him for a grand total of 13 waking hours this week) At that point, (both the girls have been ill for days, and I'm getting it too, so I'm exhausted) I couldn't control the tears, they just came. I got up and walked to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out some more in private, but I guess he heard that and got undressed and in his position in front of the TV. When I came out, I asked him if he was going, and he angrily said "no." He sulked for 10 minutes, so I told him it was better for him to just go out, rather than sitting in front of the TV with an annoyed look on his face. He started screaming that I was a "nut" who didn't appreciate a thing he did or how hard he worked and that I was a spoiled brat. With that he proceeded to grab some clean clothes (that I washed) and slice himself some bread (that I baked - which I do daily) and storm out of the house.

So....there you have it. I HEAR YOU. And now you heard me....so, I got to vent too. So, in a way, maybe we are helping each other....I feel your pain, you feel my pain. Maybe something positive will come out of it for the two of us : )

[BrascosPrincess]

oh wow do our husbands know each other? lol. mine works overnight from 10 pm to 7 am 5 to 6 days a week. when he comes home he sits in front of the ps3, or the computer,then when he finally gets off one of those its around 1 pm so he goes to bed then we dont see him until 8 pm. we have three small children 2 1/2, 1, and 3 months. when he gets up at 8 he heats his dinner up because we eat dinner earlier than he does, then he still sits in front of the computer until around 9 pm then he gets up gets dressed and gets everything else ready for work and is out the door at 9:30 pm to go to work, which leaves me with crying kids because daddy went out the door.

but hey at least he helps you if you ask, mine does to an extent and then if i ask him to do more than one simple thing he complains and whines... men... lol..

[yell]

I'm sure you are well aware already but something is terribly wrong with the situation you are in and you are going to burn out FAST if you don't do something about it.  My only advice would be to speak up!  I only have one child and can't imagine 3 right now because things already feel so hectic, and if dh wasn't 50/50 with me on this I'd be going INSANE.  I work 20 hours per week and my husband works a lot more (3:30AM-2PM, give or take depending on the time of the year).  Because of his hours I do the night time parenting during the week, but he does it on the weekends.  When I wake up he is at work, I take care of dd during the day but when he gets home I hand her over and make dinner and he has play time with her.  After dinner he does the dishes and and every other night he gives her a bath.  We watch some tv while I nurse and rock her to bed, she's in bed at 7 and we try to get to bed by 8.  I also leave him long term "honey do" lists, like, these are the things I need you to do but without urgency, basically whenever he has some time.  Neither of us really has a lot of "free time", which is the price you pay when having  young children.  Not just moms, but dads too!!

I also think it's pretty crappy if any dh is getting any social time by himself outside of the home if you are not. 

[LexiDrewMama]

I hear you mama!  My DH has pretty much the same work hours as yours....than he comes home plays video games/computer til 6 am or whenever.... than he goes to bed and wants to sleep til 2 or 3pm.  We only have one child who is 2 months and he will help with her (if asked).... it's the other stuff I need help with and it's hard for me to ask (I know it sounds stupid).  I chose to be a stay at home mom and didn't really ask him if it was okay so I feel like I should just appreciate that he goes to work and makes sure we can pay the bills (am I nuts? YES!), so I really struggle with asking for help when it's "my job" so clean house/cook dinner/ whatever. 

[Vaske]

My husband at least understands my need for Introvert Time, and usually makes sure that I get some free time every day.  Also, he has almost convinced me that taking a spoonful of flax seed oil in the morning helps to keep the introvert mind thinking clearly.

[lilbsmama]

I could have written some of these posts myself. Dh works out of town and right now he is staying with his dad who lives an hour away, to be closer to work, because we don;t have the $$$ to move yet. He comes home once a week, on his day off. It sucks big time, and last week, over the phone, pretty much told me that this is what I signed up for, that I should be thankful that I get to see my babies' faces every day, and listen to them fight, and change diapers, etc, because he can't. My response: I didn't get to take a shower for 4 DAYS. FOUR DAYS. He days that I should be doing those things when the kids are asleep. HA! If they did, I would. He just has NO idea. Sorry for hijacking, but mama I feel your pain.

[BabyFireFly]

Originally Posted by lilbsmama 

I could have written some of these posts myself. Dh works out of town and right now he is staying with his dad who lives an hour away, to be closer to work, because we don;t have the $$$ to move yet. He comes home once a week, on his day off. It sucks big time, and last week, over the phone, pretty much told me that this is what I signed up for, that I should be thankful that I get to see my babies' faces every day, and listen to them fight, and change diapers, etc, because he can't. My response: I didn't get to take a shower for 4 DAYS. FOUR DAYS. He days that I should be doing those things when the kids are asleep. HA! If they did, I would. He just has NO idea. Sorry for hijacking, but mama I feel your pain.

Oh, I love that line! "This is what you signed up for." I get that all the time!!! As if his job ended once the breeding process was through LOL.

After hearing for weeks now that all he does is work, when he went to leave the other morning and said, "Well, I'm going to work now" I said (as I was carrying in a load of wood for the wood stove in my pajamas - 30 degrees outside) "Well, then I guess that means I'm going on vacation again."

Haha.

[sbsweetpea]

Originally Posted by BabyFireFly 

Oh, I love that line! "This is what you signed up for." I get that all the time!!! As if his job ended once the breeding process was through LOL.

After hearing for weeks now that all he does is work, when he went to leave the other morning and said, "Well, I'm going to work now" I said (as I was carrying in a load of wood for the wood stove in my pajamas - 30 degrees outside) "Well, then I guess that means I'm going on vacation again."

Haha.

This is classic- can I steal this vacation line?  Hilarious, I'm totally going to use it with my husband tomorrow....!

[hippiemombian]

I really think this is the problem with men! Ha, no wonder why I don't like them  When I was married (to a man) it was the same situation as everyone elses. I stayed home, took care of the house, the kids, you know the deal. Now that I am in a realtionship with a woman it's like night and day. She works, 2 jobs at that, and goes to school full-time, BUT when she's home she still helps. She will clean the kitchen after dinner or do the laundry. Nobody is sitting around on the couch watching the other clean/tend to the house. Maybe I got lucky, but man do I NOT miss those days of doing it all by myself!