Birth in retrospect - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

I think you're right. There's also disappointment that the only documentation of my UC is my memory, no pictures, no video.

Yes, I felt similarly about ds1's birth b/c we did it by ourselves while the mw and my mom were in the other room.  So we only have the pictures that dh managed to get right afterward.  They are nice, but I got crowning shots with dd b/c the birth center nurse took pics.  With Avery, our mw did take some immediately after birth pictures, but she has since LOST the memory card!  I really, really hope she can find it.  I don't want to feel robbed of another thing!  Ugh!

[TalkToMeNow]

Interesting topic. This birth was very different than my first two. With dd1, I had a wonderful, empowering hospital birth. I labored at home basically until it was time to push. With dd2, I had a successful homebirth. The pain was worse than with dd1, but I made it through and felt great afterward. With this guy, I went to the hospital early. I knew it was too early (I felt like I was 4-5 cm and was). I went in anyway because my labor with dd2 was only 4 hours and I was afraid of things picking up and going very fast. Once I got to the hospital, I lost my ability to deal with the contractions well. Instead of working through the pain, I was just begging for it to stop. I only progressed 1 cm in the first 4 or 5 hours I was there. So I ended up asking for an epidural, which worked for two hours (during that two hours I went from 5 cm to 10 cm). It stopped working just when I was ready to push. I was in the bed that entire time, had to wear a hospital gown, had to have an IV, etc. 

So, I felt like I would feel disappointed or let down. I don't. I will say I didn't have that birth high that I did with my first two. And I felt a little bit bad about those drugs getting to the baby. But I also feel like I did what I wanted to do and I did my best in the situation. The pain was worse than with my first two and I didn't have much support. So I am okay with my birth. I thought I would feel like a failure, but I don't. I think the only negative feeling I have about it is that I am wary of writing my birth story... I feel like it's not "worthy" because I didn't have a natural birth. But otherwise, I am at peace with it. 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 
I think the only negative feeling I have about it is that I am wary of writing my birth story... I feel like it's not "worthy" because I didn't have a natural birth. But otherwise, I am at peace with it. 

Definitely write the story!  All births are worthy of remembering!  Besides baby #3 will wonder where his story is when he's older.  I know I'm feeling uber conscious of not wanting to let Avery down by not doing many of the same things I did with the first two.  I'm particularly sensitive b/c my parents took like a million pictures of my sister and like 4 of me (she's older) so I will not make that mistake!  But the same goes for things like birth stories and you don't want to get too far away from it before writing it that you can't remember the details.  Plus I want to read it! 
 

[jill the pill]

I feel healed after this birth.  My first was a very scary experience with a vaccum, a fouth degree tear, all with no pain meds.   This time it was a couple hours of active labor, 15 minutes of pushing, and no tear at all.  I felt calm and in control and it was exactly what I needed to emotionally heal from the first birth experience. 

[LunaLady]

I don't even know where to begin... My whole end of pregnancy/birth/babymoon was so full of fail.

I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds and I really do feel a lot less bitter today than I did, say, a month ago.

All I know is that there is permanent birth control in my near future!!!!

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

Definitely write the story!  All births are worthy of remembering!  Besides baby #3 will wonder where his story is when he's older.  I know I'm feeling uber conscious of not wanting to let Avery down by not doing many of the same things I did with the first two.  I'm particularly sensitive b/c my parents took like a million pictures of my sister and like 4 of me (she's older) so I will not make that mistake!  But the same goes for things like birth stories and you don't want to get too far away from it before writing it that you can't remember the details.  Plus I want to read it! 
 

I know I am very guilty of not doing things I did for my other children already.  Oops.  DS has a full baby book and photo album and I kept all his "firsts" and wrote everything down and took a ton of pics.  DD#1 has a baby book I haven't finished, but still everything is written down and there are a ton of pictures.  I did not even buy a book or album for #3...I have been meaning to for a while now.  There are a ton of pictures of her, but i really need to go buy something to write everything in...

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

I don't even know where to begin... My whole end of pregnancy/birth/babymoon was so full of fail.
I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds and I really do feel a lot less bitter today than I did, say, a month ago.
All I know is that there is permanent birth control in my near future!!!!

Fail????  I don't think so dear!  There were things out of your control and you are doing an AMAZING job of handling everything and being a wonderful mother to Rhyko.  He is so lucky to have you!

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

I don't even know where to begin... My whole end of pregnancy/birth/babymoon was so full of fail.
I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds and I really do feel a lot less bitter today than I did, say, a month ago.
All I know is that there is permanent birth control in my near future!!!!

It took me years, and I mean YEARS, to fully heal emotionally from my preterm birth.  It was a big driving force behind my tubal ligation and lack of desire to have more children ever.  It was not until my 2nd child was a toddler that I could deal with my feelings about my first birth and how wrong absolutely everything was about it. 

[LunaLady]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

Fail????  I don't think so dear!  There were things out of your control and you are doing an AMAZING job of handling everything and being a wonderful mother to Rhyko.  He is so lucky to have you!

Thanks, J 

I don't know about amazing , but I am getting by. Every week seems to get a little bit easier and I dwell on it a little bit less.

I think I still harbor a fair amount of resentment towars Rhyko, which is so upsetting. His screaming all day/night doesn't help that any.

[Mal85]

Amanda, your birth sounds very similar to mine. I caved and got the epidural for both of my births thought. It is strange though. With DD1 I had more pain during labor and my epidural was working strong while I was pushing. This time, I had a reprieve during labor... same as you, about 2 hours and I went from 4 cm to 8 cm in that time and was quickly pushing after that. My epidural had run out before I started pushing though, so I got to feel her being born unlike my first birth. I don't feel like a failure for either of my births though. I went into each with a goal in mind, but with no expectations. 

I will say, I feel a little defeated by the whole process though. I really feel like my body does not know how to labor on its own. I do not progress on my own. I'm 2 for 2 now with both my births. My water breaks, I don't start contracting for several hours and when I do, they're very irregular and don't accomplish anything. 

And now having experienced the pain of pushing the baby out, I say it's for the birds. More power to the women that come out of it feeling a sense of accomplishment. I felt every bit of the pushing stage this time and the only thing I felt after it was said and done was relief that it was over (and, of course, happy to see my healthy baby). I honestly have no desire to ever feel that again. 

[jbk21]

I felt that way about pushing with my first birth.  I had them cut the epidural so I could feel pushing but i hated it.  i dreaded it with this birth but knew drugs were not an option.  I was nervous when I started pushing but it really was a relief (while being awful at the same time).  I enjoyed it more than with #1.  I think going from epidural to pushing is hard but going from painful ctx to pushing through ctx is relieving,  

[FaithF]

I hear you guys about the pushing. It scares me. My body just went completely out of control. I don't like being out of control. I'm amazed at what my body can do but its like I'm mentally hanging on for dear life at the end of this labor ride. At the end, I felt empowered, wonderful. Birth went better than expected. But the pushing was scary for me this time around. *I* never chose to push. My body did. I didn't like that. The first time I gave birth, I had to start pushing every contraction and then my body helped me. I felt in control with that. This time was...wow. Crazy. I literally pushed for 20 seconds. My midwife was walking away and heard me pushing (I couldn't even tell anyone I was pushing because it just overcame me) and quickly turned around and just barely caught the baby. That was intense. 

[TalkToMeNow]

Mal and J, I think the problem with the epidural ending right before pushing is that there is no build up. You go from no pain to, in my opinion, the most painful part of the whole process. I did not want the epidural to stop... It just worked for two hours, not sure why. I was asking for them to fix it, but the nurse checked me and said I was 10. So I didn't feel prepared for pushing.

My pushing wasn't as effective as with my first two. I pushed for 30 min and then, once his head was out, the cord was around his neck and he was blue. So the midwife actually pulled him out while the nurses pushed on my tummy. So I guess I wasn't pushing fast enough? Still not clear on what happened, but everyone freaked out for a bit. Going to check with the midwife next week.

I think part of the reason I don't feel like a failure is that I still did it, epidural or not. It's not like I was just lying there having a party. My labor was 10 hours and I had 2 hours of pain relief. That's still a good while of laboring naturally, IMO.

[Mal85]

Seriously, Amanda. Did we birth the same baby or something? I pushed for exactly 30 minutes. The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck, but her shoulders got stuck for a moment and everyone in the room was anticipating a very large baby once they saw the size of her cheeks. Nurses were pushing people out of the way, grabbing my legs and pulling them as far back as they'd go, another was pushing on my stomach and my midwife suddenly jumped up from her stool and started pulling the baby out. It was crazy there for a moment.

[jbk21]

Amanda I think that's exactly right.  Pushing is so awful, though I'm not sure I'd be able to say it is the *worst* part, I just think it's really awful in a different way.  Contractions totally suck, and pushing totally sucks.... but yes I think going from 0 pain to INTENSE is so hard.  It was much easier this time without the epidural because I eased into the pushing contractions and it felt really great to push.  

[IwannaBanRN]

It was really difficult to go from 5cm dilated to my body forcing Levi out in 10 minutes. I get weird looks when I say that my body pushed Levi out. No on seems to understand the body's natural urge to push. Most of everyone I know IRL has had hospital births with epidurals.

[SoCaliMommy]

 I was just thinking about this today.   I am happy that i stuck it out for a med free birth of a 10lb baby and didn't tear at all , sure we joked he would be that big,even when i saw my midwife for my 6wk check she was shocked at how big he was said she didnt think he felt that big.

 I would change alot of things about his birth :(.  

Like ignoring the L&D and just waiting for DH to get home and drive to the hospital we should had delivered at.

It took a good hour before i was even taken into a room for a u/s to try and find out why i was bleeding and passing blood

clots. DH had a hour drive and arrived before they took me back. Oh i also think it helped that i called the other L&D and loudly

 asked if i should leave to drive down there. I was pissed bleeding and passing clots is a emergency and they took their sweet time getting me back to a room for a u/s.

 I would have not agreed to let the Dr break my water at 7cm.

 I wish i would have pushed harder on refusing the pit after birth that they gave through the iv ( i had tested GBS +) saying it was 

routine policy.. i wasn't bleeding enough to need it.

I wish the Dr would have not tried helping the placenta out faster, I even actually said to not pull on the cord and honestly it looked like he was pulling on it

 he said he wasn't pulling on it.

 I wish DH would had taken a picture of the placenta, it was huge. The Dr commented on its size and said it was going to pathology because of how big it was.

Edited by SoCaliMommy - 12/21/11 at 4:47pm

[birdhappy85]

I've completely forgotten how intense, drawn out, and excruciatingly painful my labor was because I'm pretty sure if I remembered it in vivid detail, I wouldn't have as good of feelings about the birth and I'd likely never want another kid again. That's kind of why I waited a little bit to write my birth story. I couldn't handle reliving it in my mind right away. It was very overwhelming for me while it was all happening. But now that I'm in a clear state of mind I realize that the baby's head being malpositioned during most of labor likely made things way more painful and drawn out than they might've been otherwise, and as a first-timer I had an added level of stress the whole time worrying about what every stage of labor was going to feel like - especially pushing a baby out of my body, omg I was terrified.

When I think back to everything now I feel great about how everything went, but not because it actually all went 100% how I imagined it would go - because it didn't. (Although I was and am fortunate to have had a birth high that seems to be staying with me.) I see beauty in different outcomes and I am in love with the idea of having had the bonding with my hubby and having birthed a freakin' baby no matter how I did it! I'm one of those people who feels like everything happens for a reason. I could still feel stupid for having called my midwife, her team, and my friend over too early - leading to them having to leave initially. But my midwife ended up being called to catch another baby in between that time and my labor picking up later, so that was clearly meant to be. Also, she asked me the day after the birth if I had any negative feelings about not having had my water birth as planned, and that was actually the first time I had even thought about it. I was so happy I had been able to experience laboring in the water that it didn't even dawn on me that I didn't birth in it. The position I birthed in on the bed got my baby out in two pushes and felt right in the moment, so I was ecstatic about how things went - not upset! I mostly look back on things and am just so proud of myself for having gotten through it all. I don't usually feel like a very strong woman and I needed this boost. If the birth had been super easy then I might not feel quite as empowered as I do from having been through the worst effin' pain on the planet for so damn long! LOL. Plus, I don't have any previous births to compare it to, so I feel like I might've gotten the worst out of the way and odds are in my favor that future births will be way more bearable since I got through this one. I just never want back labor like that again...

To those whose labors and births didn't go anywhere near as they planned, I just want to send you hugs because I really feel so much admiration for the women on this forum who have been through so much. I think you ladies are SO strong! I'm sure not having the birth you wanted is disappointing in ways others can't begin to imagine, but you got through it. I don't see any failure in having done whatever you needed to do to get through it, either. After experiencing what I did, I sure don't see failure in anyone getting an epidural! If I had been in the hospital, I'm 99% sure I would've asked for one. Nobody really can judge unless they've been through it, and we surely shouldn't judge ourselves.

[meesh933]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

. After experiencing what I did, I sure don't see failure in anyone getting an epidural! If I had been in the hospital, I'm 99% sure I would've asked for one. Nobody really can judge unless they've been through it, and we surely shouldn't judge ourselves.

 Having had a hospital birth with an epidural, then a peaceful calm home birth that went off perfectly, I can absolutely 100% guarantee you that I would've BEGGED for an epidural this time. And other than the fact that I'd have most likely been sectioned in the hospital, I wouldn't have had an ounce of regret getting it, either. I've said a bunch of times since Jack was born that if I hadn't already had one easy/good homebirth, I'd have never considered it again after this baby!

[CDsMom1031]

I wish I could change everything.

I didn't even have high expectations... All I wanted was a drug-free, vaginal birth.

I wish I wouldn't have chosen the c-section. Stupid doctor. Stupid peer pressure.

I hated every single aspect of the c-section. ALL OF IT.

I'll lay in bed sometimes and imagine the doctor slicing my stomach open... I imagine the anesthesiologist putting that huge needle into my back... It makes me sick.

I'll be damned if I don't go for a VBAC and have 72 hours of labor before I go for the c-section next time. Hmph.