8 Year Old DD w/Friend issues--advice??

[augustmom]

Hi everyone,

My 8 yo DD had a friend over the other day. They had a nice time, but I noticed that her friend is a little bossy and will tell her what to do--I don't like this at all and I want to encourage my dd to not let herself be bossed around by friends. She's a quiet natured kid, but not overly submissive by any means.

Also, this friend said right in front of DH and I "Grace (dd's other friend) was talking about her at recess today." After I swallowed my stomach and felt like crying, I just remained quiet about it until I talked to DD later that night about it.

I guess I need advice about how to deal with:

A. being bossed around by her friends, Ultimately, standing up for herself more is what this comes down to.

B. How to address, deal with, what have you, the friend talking behind her back business and whether I should "buy" this, or assume that her friend is being possesive, which is another ball of wax. egads.

Any advice mush appreciated. Thank you!

[ollyoxenfree]

To deal with a bossy friend, I'd try coaching your dd on some tactics she can use. She may come up with some solutions on her own as you talk to her about what happens on the playdates. Encourage her to consider how to make playtime fair and enjoyable for everyone. Suggestions like the two of them take turns deciding on what games to play, or how to play, or what rules to use etc. If the issue is a specific toy or game that the friend monopolizes or misuses, then perhaps that toy goes on a time-out before the friend comes over. 

Role playing is also useful - it will give your dd a chance to practice asserting herself. You can ask her to pretend to be her friend, and you can play your dd. After a few practices, you can switch roles and she can try out standing up for herself with you first, before she tries it out with her friend. 

Gossip is a powerful weapon used by social bullies and it's terribly difficult to deal with it. Of course the victim of gossip wants to know what was said and who participated, but that just feeds into a toxic social relationship. In the situation you describe, I might have just addressed it with the girls by pointing out to them that it's bullying behaviour and that it's wrong to participate in it - even as a bystander. Good friends don't gossip about each other. If you role model what is acceptable and what isn't, then hopefully they will learn from you. 

[augustmom]

Great advice. I like the role playing idea--just hoping she's willing to do this with me. Thank you so much. I'll have a pow wow with her later,

[ollyoxenfree]

Good luck! Navigating social situations can be so tricky. You may find it helpful to read a little about social bullying and how to deal with it effectively. I think it's fairly common for children to try out some of the behaviours, even if they aren't actual, unrepentant bullies. If your dd has a more quiet, accommodating personality, she may benefit from some advanced preparation on how to recognize and manage these awkward situations. 

[JollyGG]

What does your daughter think about her play with the "bossy" girl? Does she feel it is uneven? Does it bother her?

For a long time it seemed like my son was drawn to the "bossy" girls as friends. But after talking with him, talking to the girls parents, and observing a bit more I discovered a couple of things. 1. My son is often content to let other kids take the lead. He just really doesn't care what they are playing. Sometimes he really enjoys the direction they take the play if he lets them take the lead. He enjoys that. 2. He much more subtly digs in his heels. His friends will comment on the fact that he will stubbornly just not do things their way if he doesn't want to.

So basically he is content to let others lead to a point but once he's no longer content with it there is no budging him. This dynamic works for him. His friends really do respect him and he's happy in his friendships. I do sometimes wish he was more of a leader more often. But as long as he can be a follower while still being true to himself I'm okay with that as well. That is actually an important skill as well.

[meemee]

this is v. v. v. normal for this age group. 

very typical behaviour. 

i think its a GREAT place to learn communication and 'discover' yourself. 

i tend to not at all get into the friendship dynamics and try to make dd be who i want her to be. 

i really like JollyGG's approach.

asking and seeing the situation through my dd's eyes has really taught ME a lot about social dynamics. 

while i perceived that someone was being 'bossy' and that things need to change is not how dd saw it. my way to see it was 'what!!! i dont want dd to be docile.' what i learnt from dd was sometimes one takes the upperhand and the other child decides whether to go along with it than not. she herself has told me sometimes dd herself is bossy but i am not there to see it. 

gossip - again so so so normal. we adults do it all the time. so why not them ya know. 

however here its not about telling them to stop but first to make sure where YOU are. how i treat this as is when dd hears something and comes to share with me - a did YOU KNOW  i ask her the source and etc. just by asking her a myriad of questions including does the whole scene seem plausible helps her figure out what she wants to figure out. also i am a great gossip reader while waiting at the grocery aisle. and dd if she recognises the character goes REALLY? that happened. so i point out to her does it seem plausible. just coz it is printed doesnt mean it is true. when asked i tell her i enjoy those gossip magazines to see what topic they chose this time to talk about. 

the key is to not make a 'mountain out of a molehill' and to NEVER ever see the other as the 'evil' kid. someday the tables may be changed. there is no reason to play the blame game. its a situation of both sides figuring out how to be.

and the funny thing is while many times dd and i have been on the same page, there are many times when we have NOT been. 

mostly i stay out and let the kids figure it out. i find usually dd rarely needs my help and she figures it out on her own. 

i feel ALL of this is like 'gun or violence play'. they are discovering how to navigate a new  situation and sometimes what seems unpleasant is actually a learning tool. 

[ollyoxenfree]

I think it's fine to leave the kids to navigate their relationships themselves - which is why I didn't suggest that the parent intervene directly in the playtime and try to re-direct the girls or control their behaviour. However, it's only good if the children have the tools and skills for navigation. If a child is content to follow for awhile, but has the confidence to assert himself when he's no longer happy, then he doesn't need any coaching or guidance or practice. But if a child is unsure or afraid to assert themselves, then I think a parent has a role to help them learn how to manage it. Otherwise, that child may grow into a passive-aggressive behaviour pattern which won't serve them well as they become adults. Developing social skills isn't just about playing nicely with other children - it's also about nicely not playing, if you know what I mean. Defining boundaries, standing up for yourself, staying true to your own self - some children need a little more help than others in these areas. 

Leaving a timid child who lacks confidence to flounder her way through social situations is unfair. It isn't entirely clear whether the OP's dd is such a child, so I agree that the OP needs to have some discussions with her dd to figure out how she feels about the issue. If the OP sees that her dd can manage and is happy with the situation, that's great. But if the dd needs  help developing her social skills, then giving her help is just good parenting. 

[augustmom]

Hi, just a little background on DD:

1. She's the youngest in her class

2. She is the smallest in her class (which goes along with being the youngest, perhaps)

3. She's pretty headstrong. I'm convinced she'll go to law school  because she can argue and argument and really disect things, analyze things, etc

4. She's quiet, and shy, but something tells me she can stand on her own because of her intelligence

I forgot to add that the friend she had over the other day said "I told J to go tell W (1 of their classmates) that he's a --------(insert silly name)" and dd did just that. ugh. I told dd to never call another child a name especially when someone tells you to do so, and that it's a form of bullying. We role played a little bit and I gave her some responses she could say to her friend when her friend asks her to do (really stupid and lame) things like this. I'm avoiding demonizing her friend, but I want her to be cautious of her at the same time, and to really think about the qualities of a good friend. Does a good friend tell you to do something, say something that could get you in trouble?? No. 

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by augustmom 
 I'm avoiding demonizing her friend, but I want her to be cautious of her at the same time, and to really think about the qualities of a good friend. Does a good friend tell you to do something, say something that could get you in trouble?? No. 

That's what we tell ds. Occasionally, we'll go to his teacher with something that's going on (ds has SNs and is socially immature) but for the most part we just point out when ds' friends do something that isn't consistent with being a good friend.