Husband not supportive--what do I do?

[kjjoybell]

My husband does not want to me to birth unassisted. Says he doesn't have the knowledge and experience of a mw and would blame himself if something happened to me or baby.

We had a homebirth w mw attending with our daughter and it was great, but I just feel a mw is unnecessary, plus she did a few things that I didn't appreciate (not huge, but just niggling things in my mind).

I worked as a doula for several years and am extremely knowledgeable about birth and am reading up again on the most common complications that could occur (mainly hemmorhage and slow to breathe baby). I told my husband there is nothing the mw could do that we can't. I don't believe our mw carries pitocin or other drugs to stop excessive bleeding. She would have oxygen for the baby though.

We had a teary discussion about it and I agreed to have a mw and perhaps I should simply be grateful for birthing at home in the first place! But, of course i am going to have resentment toward him and if we decided the other way he would be resentful of me.

Our relationship issues are things we  are working on anyway and I was hoping that we would be able to really be in this thing together (unexpected pregnancy as well)

I could just labor and not tell him and then have baby by myself, but I feel that that might be me shutting him out and being my normal independent " I don't need anybody" self. I don't think that would be conducive to our relationship healing or to his relationship w the new baby.

Any thoughts? Any body else find a way to deal w/ this that was acceptable to both parties?

[Magali]

Can you find a way to get over the niggling things in your head that the midwife did?  I think I understand how you feel.  I birthed in a hospital and it was a truly fantastic experience, but there are a few niggling things I think about too.  And sometimes they mar my birth experience when really they are really insignificant (not that your things are...talking about me here).  It seems like the midwife is the compromise.  You get to stay at home and your husband can feel more comfortable. 

[IwannaBanRN]

I found the only thing that totally convinced DH that UC'ing would be fine was to just do it. He was scared sh*tless of what could happen and thought that I'd be begging to go to the hospital for drugs(since my first two were hospital epidural births). It turned out that I didn't go to the hospital and that I proved him wrong in every way and I won a boatload of respect from him by doing something he never thought I could do and by sticking to something I believed so strongly in.

For your situation though, education and communication are best. At any rate, you COULD call the midwife "late" so that you have an "accidental" UC or a borderline UC, where the midwife is in the other room when you give birth but is there to examine you and baby.

[eabbmom]

I think this is a great communication opportunity for the two of you. Maybe you can read spiritual midwifery together if you haven't already and talk out all the what if scenarios. eating placenta can help stop bleeding, you can get access to oxygen. for my next birth I would like a uc but I know I'll end up compromising with a hands off mw. I think that if you are having relationship issues really talking this out and getting to the nitty gritty issues will be a plus.

[Almi]

I think one thing your husband needs to realize is that, while he does have a say because it's his child, YOU are the one giving birth, therefore it should ultimately be your choice how you want to birth.  The mother, not the father, intuitively knows what is best for her and her baby when it comes to birth.  This is one thing my husband respected.  He would have gone with whatever I chose (but was against a hospital birth unless we needed it), and been nervous about the outcome either way.

I think a good compromise is for HIM to find a midwife that will be absolutely hands off and stay in a different room unless you need her.  If he can't find one, then too bad.

[newsolarmomma2]

I'm sorry you are having these troubles!

Please try to remember that he loves you, and feels the need to protect you. This is a good thing. It may be your body, but the baby is part of each of you, and since he loves you both, he wants to do what he can to keep you all healthy. When discussing it, try to keep this in mind, it will help you understand his fears.

I do agree that you may be as capable as the MW you had last time. Even so, it never hurts to have an extra set of hands, eyes, and experiences, so long as you can find someone you are comfortable with. If having an easy going MW makes him feel better, it is worth considering. Its great he is OK with HB, as many LOs are not.

If you just cannot stand the thought of a MW and don't want to compromise, the best you can do is make him feel confident in his abilities. Go over your knowledge with him. Give him things to read. maybe you can compromise on other, lesser things, that would make him feel more in control. I wouldn't lie to him, or trick him, as I know I would hate my DH to do this to me.

I'm sure it will all go well! best wishes.

[kjjoybell]

Thank you ladies for all your kind and thoughtful replies. I have decided to do 6 things:

1. Make it really clear to both my husband and mw what my wishes are for the birth

2. Help my husband find the tools he needs to feel more knowledgeable and prepared (getting a fetascope and bp cuff for him to use, taking an infant cpr class, having herbs on hand to stop excessive bleeding etc)

3. Have my husband remind me when in labor that if I am at a stuck point to go within and listen to my own intuition instead of asking the mw

4. Increase the love, trust, and sexy vibe between my husband and me.

5. Not call the mw until very late into the birthing

6. Increase trust and connection with myself, my body, the Earth/Universe (perhaps the most important)

Perhaps my DH will change his mind on this issue as we continue to dialogue about it, but even if not I think I am at peace with it for now...

Thanks again!

[modestmothering]

Sounds like a great plan!  Best of luck to you!

[RoseisRose]

I'm very much of the opinion that dad-especially if he is quite involved-needs to be just as comfortable as mom. It is his baby too.

Maybe you can present your"case" as it were, to him with all of the possibilities and what you would do, etc. that might help him. If you can't come to a compromise, then find a MW who is quite hands off and explain to her your desire to birth your way but that dad feels comfortable with a birth professional present.

Do you really want to birth with either one of you resenting the other based on this choice? You have to be willing to compromise, methinks.