How to help my 4 year old soothe herself?

[malayasmommy]

My DD will be 4 in 2 weeks.  About 2 weeks ago, she had to give up her pacifier because it was affecting her bite significantly.  (She was only using it at nap/bedtime.)  I feel very strongly that she still has a strong need to suck, as the pacifier was the only thing that could calm her down sometimes when she got very upset.

Her inability to self soothe has been an ongoing issue, made more pronounced by the fact that she's had to give up the one thing that did help soothe her.  She's having such a hard time getting to sleep.  We try to have her in bed by 7:30pm but she'll stay awake until 9:30pm at night and then wake up at 6am.  She hasn't napped since giving up the pacifier.  Our usual routine was reading a story, rocking for 2 songs on her CD, and then bedtime.  She'll sit there and kick her legs, click her tongue, drum her fingers, pull her hair, etc.  I don't know if she's TRYING to keep herself awake, or if she just truly cannot sit still.

She has a lovey and one thing that's helped her is to rub her lovey on her cheek, so we try to encourage that since she did that on her own.  We also encourage deep breathing, rub her back, do essential oils, soft music, very dark room, etc.  We've asked her for HER ideas, talked about what it feels like to be relaxed, etc.  It helps her to run around outside, but living in MN, having an 8 month old baby, and husband and I working opposite schedules makes it very tough for her to run like she needs to.  And still, running around doesn't help a ton.

She has such dark circles under her eyes that today I decided I would rock her as long as it took to fall asleep (baby was taking a long nap so I could do this).  I rocked her for 45 min. and finally I gave up because her continuously keeping herself awake made me too frustrated.  My baby doesn't normally sleep this long, so I can rarely do this. 

She can sleep in the car, but my baby hates the car so she will sleep and my baby screams.

I feel like this makes her sound like such a nervous child, but we often get comments on how mature, articulate, kind, polite, etc. she is for her age.  People are shocked when I tell them this.

The few people who know we never did CIO have commented that this is likely because she never learned to soothe herself as a baby and now she REALLY doesn't know what to do.  Sometimes I wonder if they're right...

Any ideas, suggestions?

(As I said earlier, this is not new since giving up the pacifier--just more pronounced.  Also we have been working with her on learning to self soothe since she was very little so it's not like we've started doing all this in the last few weeks.  Just FYI.)

[Surfacing]

Pooh pooh to the CIO folks. Plenty of children have trouble falling asleep. Period.

I was reading a book called The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. There is a bit in there about how sucking releases oxytocin, endorphins, opiods.... so when little ones hurt themselves it literally makes them chemically feel better to suck. Other things that release oxytocin are related to touch (stroking or massaging) and some other things I can't remember.

If it makes you feel any better, my 4 y.o. still uses a pacifier too. I wish we could get rid of it but the rest of the family keeps hiding them to give to her when she wants them, and/or replacing them, buying new ones.

Anyway, I would recommend that book, perhaps the library has it. It explains in detail the physical and organic benefits to your child's brain by soothing your child when they are upset vs. CIO.

You could try patting her tummy and gently encouraging her, saying "You can do it, you can fall asleep," for awhile until she goes to sleep. Just some thoughts. Good luck.

[meemee]

mama you are on the right track.

honestly dont you think you are asking a bit much? its only been two weeks. i would say give her a little more time. she has  had to lose her one most important thing. she has to figure out she has to do this on her own. and she has to find her way.

i think its normal what she is doing. i mean doesnt it make logical sense. even adults go through a hard time with transition. esp. those who need their own bed and pillow. they struggle to fall asleep on strange beds. it requires an adusting period. 

and i feel that's what your dd needs. esp. at that age. i dont expect her to be back to her normal self for at least another two weeks or a month. 

just be very careful that you dont replace her self soothing with something that might need to be taken away later. the soft toy on teh cheek is excellent. jsut give her a little time to get used to it.

and finally dont listen to others. listen to your heart. that is wny i bf my dd till her 9th bday. my child has anxiety AND she is super sensitive. and i cant imagine how she would be today if i didnt give her the opportunity to sooth thru bf. it is because of that i think we have never needed a therapist.