At my wits end with the crying!!!!!!!!!!!!! « Back to Group Discussions

[LunaLady]

As I type this Rhyko is just screaming his head off in his bouncy chair. I'm done... I can't do this! I have never been very in love or felt motherly toward him, but the last two weeks of near constant screaming has thrown me over the edge. I'm ready to either toss him out a window or jump off a bridge myself. 

The last two weeks he's been fussy, but not so fussy that we can't console him - except from 9pm-midnight. EVERY NIGHT. He just WAILS, and nothing helps. Not diaper changes, EC, nursing, rocking, holding him, tummy time, bouncy chair, toys, nothing... Nothing soothes him. He just wails and tears roll down his cheeks until he's so tired that he just falls asleep. He rubs his eyes this whole time, so I know he wants to be asleep. But, even though I've been doing his nursing that happens sometimes around 7-8 in the bedroom with the lights off and he'll fall asleep after, he still wakes up just in time to start screaming at 9pm. Once he's asleep he sleeps fairly well overnight (with feeds every 2-3 hours) until 10am or so. And we are co-sleeping, so he sleeps in my arms at night.

A new development in the last three days has been... screaming all day - the same night time type screaming where we are unable to console him. The only time during the day he's not screaming is while I nurse him. And the same thing - bouncing, walking with him, singing, playing... nothing.

I have a ring sling, a moby, an Ergo and a cheapy front carrier and he absolutely hates every single one. He can handle being forward facing, but he's so freakin' vommy that the pressure on his stomach like that just makes him puke everywhere when he's in the forward facing carriers. He hates being in the carriers where he's facing me. He beats me with his fists and kicks his legs, as he does when I'm holding him trying to soothe him.

He isn't hardly napping at all - he's awake pretty much all day except when nursing, he tends to sleep 10 minutes or so after nursing every other feed or so. He's feeding every hour almost on the hour, so there's just about 40 minutes or so between feeds. I think he's probably napping a total of about three hours every day, but it's all broken into 10 minute intervals. And he wakes up from these naps screaming.

He is calm and quiet or asleep in the call and we all took a shower together last night and he was very calm and quiet there. But I can't shower or drive him around all day... But those are the only two places he's been calm in the last three days.

Yesterday I'd just had enough. I've had a migraine for the last three days, too, and his screaming just had gotten to me. I put him in his swing in his room and shut the door. My DH was so angry at me, and for good reason. Poor Rhyko was just screaming his head off! 

I just get SO ENRAGED! I'm seriously afraid I'm going to do something I regret. The screaming and beating me just really is getting to me. I feel like he honestly hates me! I'm just milk to him! 

I don't love him, and this constant screaming is making me dislike him even more. 

He's 13 weeks old, now... I feel like the screamy screamy should be over by now! I just read so so so so much while I was pregnant about how calm and happy breastfed babies are and how bonded they are with their mothers and how close they are and how much they love their mothers and that just isn't there with us. I thought that my perservering with the 10 weeks of pumping and working with him on breastfeeding was going to be so good and we would have that... but he's been fussier than ever since we started breastfeeding and I'm feeling like I'd rather feed him freakin' walmart brand formula and give him to a day care during the day and fill his stomach at night so he sleeps 12 hours like formula fed babies do. God, at least I'd get some sleep!

I'm at my wits end. This was just the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. I'm not sure what came over me to make me think I wanted a baby.

I did the unthinkable and let him CIO in his bouncy chair just now and in the time it took me to cry this post into existence, he's fallen asleep. I am so tempted to start sleep training. I can't stand the screaming anymore.

[meesh933]

Having never had a colicky baby, I regretfully have no advice, just lots and lots of hugs.  My heart aches for you guys. You guys have had a really horrible start to things, I'm so sorry.

[seraf]

Get help. It's ok to ask for help. We all need it sometimes. Ask someone to watch him for a while. 

Mu daughter screamed a lot. I had to just listen to it sometimes. If you can't comfort him sometimes he will be ok. 

If you have time you might look at your diet. Don't stress about it, tho. My daughter screamed for 3 days if I ate chocolate. She projectile vomited if I ate milk. It took me months to figure that out. 

For now find someone you trust and just hand him over for awhile. 

[LunaLady]

I have eliminated nearly everything from my diet. I only eat some meats, wild rice, some veggies, and some fruit anymore. And coconut milk. I've been on a strict diet to try and help his reflux for two months. I was really bad and did have (home-made raw goat milk cheese and spelt crust) cheese pizza and (non-dairy) coconut milk dark chocolate ice cream this weekend because that's what I wanted for my birthday... I'm regretting that, now. But, I have been really good before that, so the amount of crying before then I just have a hard time explaining. 

And he's on probiotics. And he has an amber teething necklace. And we're doing EC. And we co-sleep. And I try to wear him. He's in arms nearly all day long. Aside from me having to put him in the bouncer before I lose it.

I have a woman I am going to see at the recommendation of my midwife. I have been playing phone tag with her for a few days, now. Arg.

I just have a really hard time with leaving him with someone because he's breastfeeding and I'm terrified of even doing a couple bottles with him because I worked so, so, so hard to get him off the bottles. I'd hate to have the regression and have him refuse the breast again :(

[LunaLady]

Originally Posted by meesh933 

Having never had a colicky baby, I regretfully have no advice, just lots and lots of hugs.  My heart aches for you guys. You guys have had a really horrible start to things, I'm so sorry.

Thank you. Some days I feel like it's okay, the way things are - but days like the last few I just feel absolutely full of bitter hate over what has happened to me.

But, honestly I'm such a brat because I have a healthy baby and I got a vaginal birth without tearing (not that I think anyone would tear with a 5 pound baby!) and I really shouldn't be so selfish. 

[KayPea]

nak. What's his adjusted age? In BC we all get a DVD about the period of PURPLE crying, which is an acronym for all the characteristics of this type of crying, which starts around 2 weeks, peaks at 2 months and gets better at 3-4 months. Perhaps he's crying according to his adjusted age. http://www.purplecrying.info/sections/index.php?sct=1&

It sounds like he might be overtired during the day - I think the awake window for under 3 months is 45 mins to an hour, and 3-6 months is 1 - 1.5 hours. I have the same problem with crying with my guy (he's 5 weeks) and I'm pretty sure it's a sleep thing, for the daytime crying anyway. He does so much better if he gets a nice long sleep in the morning, and isn;t awake for more than an hour at a time.  But he's super difficult to get to sleep, and we just end up nursing non-stop. I'm going to get the No Cry Sleep Solution, which I read with DD (who was also a screamer) and it helped as far as sleep was concerned. 

Have you tried a carrier and super vigorous walking/bouncing? DD liked her carriers, but you had to be crazy moving. I couldn;t do housework etc with her in a carrier because I wasn't moving enough. And you've tried the Happiest Baby 5 Ss? The white noise has to be REALLY loud for some babies. The noise on the Happiest Baby CD is like a death metal band. 

I have other stuff that we tried with our high-needs DD, but i have to go eat dinner, and nak is hard. I feel for you, mama, nothing gets to you like your screaming baby. Just remember how much he needs you, even though you might not feel loving towards him right now (and that is OK, it will come) you are EVERYTHING to him, and in the end you will feel better for pushing through to be there for him. You will. Hugs.

[LunaLady]

He's six and a half weeks adjusted age.

I think you're right that it's a sleep thing - he just won't sleep very much! Like I said, he does pretty well once he's asleep after midnight or so - he'll sleep for three hours, stir a bit and I'll change his diaper and nurse him and he'll be back asleep in 10-15 minutes and stir again 3 hours or so later - rinse, repeat a few times. I guess I should be thankful of that, eh? 

But during the day... it's been since I started breastfeeding that he's sleeping less during the day. I wake up with him at 10am or so and then he takes a 1.5-2 hour nap at like noon or 1 and again at like 5 or 6 pm.  I know that can't be enough for him - either by his actually age or adjusted age.

Thing is - how do I get him to sleep more? He's actually asleep right now - he was being cranky so we put on a movie we got in NetFlix and I told DH it was going to be too loud (Thor - SciFi adventure flick) but once it started getting really loud and whatnot, he fell right asleep. :confused: 

I'd love to have a nighttime routine where he's asleep at like 7 or 8 pm and can sleep in our bed for a few hours before DH and I come in for sleep and then we all sleep soundly with some nice nursings over night and then wake up 8 or 9 am or whatever. Am I dreaming?

[KaliShanti]

Lots of hugs and just want to say please please do what you can to get help - it sounds like you have PPD and I do NOT blame you in the slightest- colicy babies are SO tough. He does sound overtired to me too. Maybe he has too much stimulation? IDK. Sometimes my babies needed to fuss it out in their bouncy seat or crib and it really helped them. Does he take a paci? Maybe if you leave him with someone else (a good idea maybe for you every once in a while) they can feed baby by cup or syringe so he doesn't get used to the bottle again?

[LunaLady]

And we did get the purple crying dvd and we watched that during my PROM days. All I can remember is it saying that it was okay to leave a screaming baby if you needed a minute - that a baby never died from crying. I pooh-poohed at that during that time because I thought for sure that Rhyko was going to be a happy, well adjusted baby thanks to breastfeeding and co-sleeping and whatnot.

And I have looked over the 5 S's of the Happiest Baby on the Block. I sush him all the time, and bounce him and whatnot. He HATES being swaddled. He has always hated it. The NICU nurses called him Houdini because he'd get out of even the best swaddle in a matter of seconds.

What's the premise of the No Cry Sleep Solution?

[KaliShanti]

And I'd try extremely loud white noise too. I know it's weird but my babes tend to calm down better when it's much louder than you'd think.

[LunaLady]

We did get a Cloud B Sleep Sheep as a Christmas gift and it's on it's way to us, so hopefully it's white noise is loud! That would be nice.

[Mal85]

For white noise, I use a box fan on the highest setting. Worked for DD1 and every daycare baby I had. I did it for Greta today for the first time and twice she slept in the crib by herself for an hour. 

[KayPea]

nak, again. Until you get the sleep sheep try the vacuum cleaner, or hair dryer.  With DD we had a CDR that we burned 4 of the same tracks of waves crashing, and turned the volume above conversation level. We used that until she was almost 2.

The No Cry Sleep Solution is basically a collection of tricks that helps solve a number of different infant sleep problems without needing to let the baby cry, most involving a gradual, gentle change, with big emphasis on consistent routine. But the most useful part for me was her explanations of baby sleep patterns, times and the importance of sleep for infants and children. Sleep was everything for my high-needs DD, though we didn't even begin figuring this out until she was at least 4 months. But once we did, it made a HUGE difference.

I was also thinking more about PPD and high-needs babies (Dr Sears has a book on high-needs babies, BTW) and I think the two things are linked in a back and forth kind of relationship (I had PPD with my daughter.) Because, yes, having a screaming, high-needs baby is absolutely enough to depress anyone, I also think that high-needs babies are the way they are because they are trying HARDER to reach out to a parent who may not be as emotionally available as they may need. I know in my case, I would not have been so in-tune, attached, connected with my daughter if she hadn't been so INSISTENT that I do so. She absolutely REQUIRED that I focus on her while we were together (and still does, really.) And the more available, and in the moment I was with her, the less she screamed. Not to say that I didn't take time for myself, because I did as this was absolutely necessary for my sanity, but that all the time I was with her, she made sure I was really WITH her.

And no, not all babies that are co-slept and breastfed and gentle-parented are calm, mellow and easygoing. But I can't imagine how much more difficult life with a high-needs baby (who grew into a spirited toddler and child) would be if I DIDN'T parent this way. It would just manifest itself in different ways, I'm sure. And DD, while being spirited, is a sparkling star. She's a whole ball of awesome, and I feel proud of myself because I know that she is the way she is now because of all the hard work I put into her when she was smaller! Just because he's an intense guy, doesn't mean co-sleeping and breastfeeding are failing.

I know how hard it is, believe me. I had daily thoughts of just walking out the door on my poor little girl, leaving her in her bouncy seat. And what I'm telling you now is something I would go back and tell myself of 2.5 years ago. It's so hard, but you can do it. Each day feels like an eternity, but honestly, honestly, this time is short, and it's the most cliche thing to tell a new mom, but it does get better, and soon. Keep up with this kind of parenting, make trying to connect with your little guy a priority, and make yourself an equal priority. Keep us posted, I'll be thinking of you!

[jbk21]

Amazing advice from everyone here.  Big hugs to you mama!  

[Abraisme]

  I agree with the white noise.  A loud fan can put a baby to sleep like magic.  Coralie has been pretty fussy lately, but if I catch it early, put her in the carrier and then bounce firmly near a loud fan she'll fall right to sleep.  She'll be screaming and then she's out!  I use the hood fan above my kitchen stove because it's loud and easy to turn on and off. 
 

[Autumnshades]

Lunalady, I feel for you because I have a similar problem.  My little guy has been screaming his head off too for the last week or so  :(  so much so that I called my husband to come from his evening classes on Saturday because I couldn't stand his crying anymore :(  Nothing helped him as far as soothing goes.  I HATE putting him down when he cries so much, but at some point I just can't stand it anymore.  My little guy is just a little over 6 weeks old... I have noticed about 2 days ago when he was screaming that his gums are really bumpy... but he arches his back too ... I have my last midwife appointment tomorrow and will get her to check his mouth.  Although, I haven't exactly had the best experience with my midwife and will be happy to be done going to them...

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Mal85 

For white noise, I use a box fan on the highest setting. Worked for DD1 and every daycare baby I had. I did it for Greta today for the first time and twice she slept in the crib by herself for an hour. 

I use a box fan in our room for white noise too. Not only that, but the moving air in the room helps reduce the risk of SIDS because it reminds them to breath.

[dashley111]

I just want to say, I do NOT think you should feel bad or guilty for putting our baby in another room to cry when you are that frustrated.  There is a big difference between lazy parenting and doing whats best for you and baby.  Not being able to realize you are getting too frustrated and need to put the baby down is how people get to the point of shaking their babies.  Leaving him to cry, even if its not what you ever thought you would do, is best for him in this situation- because its keeping you from doing something you might regret.  There is absolutely NO shame in that.   My DS cried ALL. THE. TIME- and learning to let go of the guilt from letting him CIO was probably the most valuable parenting lesson I learned.  Once upon a time I could read stories about people hurting infants because they couldn't take it anymore and think "how could somebody do that?!", but after DS I get it.  I really do.  I understand how people can get there- you just have to make there be a difference between you and that person, and by putting him in the other room you are doing just that.  I once drove up to my moms house at 11pm, left my son in the car seat on the porch, knocked on the door, and drove off.  The ride there I seriously considered driving my car right into Puget Sound just so I didn't have to listen to him cry any more.  And honestly, the next day looking back on the night I realized I needed to seek help- I went on Zoloft, and it worked like a miracle and very well may have saved my relationship with my son.

I agree with everyone else.  Is there someone you can ask for help?  Is DH being supportive and helping at night?  Do you have any family close by?  Friends you can meet up with just to let it all out?

[jbk21]

Agree with Ash- there is nothing abnormal with feeling like you want to hurt your baby.  It's only wrong if you actually do it.  That was the best advice anyone ever gave me in those first few difficult months.  You'll pull through this!  You're handling things just right- keep seeking help here and IRL.  We're here for you!

[Paigekitten]